Yes, I'm still alive! The last few weeks of tax season are always the busiest and the hardest on me emotionally and regardless of what people like to believe (It's the same way every year you should be used to it) it doesn't make it any easier or less stressful.
It's safe to say that the past year + has been a long roller coaster ride. I'm at the 7 year mark of "recovery" which is that all too familiar number when people's emotions tend to go all wonky in all aspects of life. Then there's my brothers death that I told the world I dealt with ok but just really stuffed everything deep down inside (and here I just thought my hips were getting fatter ;) ). I am having a harder time this past year than I have in the past 7 and I'm allowing it to take over more than I would like. At least I'm recognizing it faster and am more willing to listen to others telling me I'm being ____ fill in the blank. I feel so out of control lately and so lost at the same time. I just don't know what I want, how I feel, or why it has started. I'm in that funky middle of blah that will last a few weeks then I'll be uplifted and rejuvenated for a few weeks then back down to blah. Old habits are so easy to come creeping back in and I need to start focusing on combating that. I simply need to be more grounded.
Negativity is yet another issue that goes hand and hand with anxiety. People who suffer from anxiety disorders are insanely negative even if they don't think they are. It's a huge problem that just festers under the skin and boils over all day every day. Negative thinking is nothing but a bad habit. Our thinking is automatic to what is bad in life vs. what is good in life. We find fault in everything around us. We seem to hate everything with out even knowing it. We turn our noses up at things and make funny faces at ideas. We never take time to think of the possibilities because we've already shot it down. Do I need to go on?
This is one of the symptoms of the disorder that will probably make you lose the most friends. No one wants to be around someone who is negative all.the.time. Of course everyone in life has negative thoughts but when you dwell on them and outwardly express them chronically, it doesn't make for a friendly environment for you or anyone around you. I admit there are several friends I have that I shied away from when I got better simply because all they had to say was something bad. I also openly admit that there are several people on my FB page that are hidden because of the same thing. I also know that there are some people reading this right now and thinking "oh crap I bet it's me" haha. If you have that thought, then maybe it's time to put some positivity in your life...yes?
I've been Negative Nancy lately and after having a long and random chat with my husband at 1 am the other night (due to a panic attack), we've decided that it really needs to stop. I knew I was being more negative than normal, but when other people are noticing then it's really time to knock it off. Not for them, always for me. During our chat, I came to the awful realization that I am at a point in my anxiety journey that has left me wondering who the hell I am. My husband asked me to focus on things I like and make me happy and quite frankly I couldn't think of anything. That's pretty sad. I don't know what I want in life, truly I don't. I went from being cooped up in my head for years and then locked in my house for an additional seven or so years to breaking free and trying to do everything I missed on all at once. While I am thankful for being better and getting out and doing things like a "normal" person does, it didn't leave me much time to find who I am. Now that life is slowing back down a bit I'm really left with "now what?" It's sad, I guess, that I don't know who I am, what I want, or even what I like. On top of that, I don't even know how to go about finding those answers. One thing is for sure, I need to start focusing on the positives in life and go from there. One cannot find himself by hating the world, that's for damn sure.
So, my first priority is to ground myself. My second priority is getting out of the house and enjoying my surroundings (Husband's orders) ;) I am going to accomplish both of those by jumping into something I do actually love (but took me a whole day of thinking about it to have that AH-HA moment) which is gardening. I can't think of a better way of grounding yourself than becoming one with the dirt and making things grow from basically nothing. This also gets me out in the world and back to living in the moment. I am also going to start carrying around my negative notebook. Think of it as the Handy Dandy Notebook w/o Blue and her clues. It was a homework assignment in the program I did and what I had to do was write down every negative thought I had through out the day. You HAVE to write them down. Why? Because believe it or not, unless you are Mr. Rogers, you have more negative thoughts a day than you think, and you won't remember them all. After doing that for a day or so, then you write down your negative thoughts and then a positive though underneath it. For example... This client is a complete jackass (negative) This client isn't out to give me a hard time, they just don't know better (positive). Pretty soon, you'll find yourself stopping the negative thoughts before you even completely think them and sub them with positives. You should give it a try and tell me how it goes. Seriously. In a month's time I bet thinking positive becomes more automatic than thinking negative. It's a much better way to live and I'm excited to start and possibly finding out who I am in the process.
Much Love and Light~
Tammy
No comments:
Post a Comment