Back to school anxiety

As I see so many people post their kids' back to school pictures with all of their happy, smiling faces, it brings me back to my school days.  I'm sure, when I was little, I also had a happy smiling face.  BUT, I don't remember that.  I was just too young.  What I do remember is the flood of anxiety that hit me weeks prior that just got worse as that dreaded first day got closer and closer.  I'd get random waves of fear that would hit me at the top of the head and shoot down to my stomach.  The closer the day got, the more it happened.  I was already playing scenarios in my head of what will happen.  Much like how my later years were and even a lot of times now, my head was consumed with scary thoughts of the unknown.  My brain doesn't do unknown because it will fill it with the most horrible things (that generally never happen).

I tend to think I was an overly sensitive (and still am) child.  As I've stated in my previous post (maybe the one before last) You can compliment me and my brain will turn that around in my head to something negative.  As a very young child, I grew a rather large mole on my face and curiosity from other kids made me self conscious about it.  Their curiosity was normal, I turned that into being picked on in my head.  Years later, that curiosity actually turned into being picked on... a lot.  Add that in with all my other anxieties and school was the pits.  Yes, I had my friends, but the act of me getting up to go was excruciating.  The nightmares the night before, the stomach aches, the dry heaving then the worrying about throwing up in front of people at school cycled back into myself and I'm pretty sure I was having mini panic attacks on the regular but I kept a lot of that internalized.  Once I was there, I was okay, from what I remember but I clung to teachers and the like because I thought if I did that they'd protect me from the teasing which did nothing but segregate me more and make it harder for me to fit in.  Like I said, I did have a core group of friends but we were rarely in the same class and I would just hope we'd have recess together.   I never did all the things I had an interest in because of the fear surrounding it.  I wanted to play soccer, I wouldn't try out.  Chorus sounded like fun, wouldn't try out.  The only thing I did was band and that was because my best friend at the time did it as well so I figured we'd at least get to see each other at some point.  These anxieties got worse as I got older and the teasing got worse because kids are mean.   The mole teasing was still there but as I got into middles school, I was then teased for not having a boyfriend which eventually turned into being teased for not having sex.  Yes, you read that right...middle school.  There was a group of catty bitches who just loved to see me walk by and start their antics.  Now that I look back at it years later, I know they were just highly insecure with themselves so they picked on the ones who wouldn't say anything back to them and that just happened to be me.  I remember my mom telling me, at one point, to just agree with what they say then they wouldn't have anything to go on.  So, I did.  I remember vividly being at a school dance and the teasing started...they were saying I was so ugly I had to have sex with frozen hot dogs (yes still in middle school) to which I told them that no, I didn't like how cold they were and preferred them to be hot instead.  It actually worked.  They had nothing to say to that.

School anxiety followed me all the way up through college.  My high school anxieties were fear of being alone and/or embarrassing myself and lunch was a HUGE panic issue for me.  I had a hard enough time eating in front of people I knew (also anxiety related) let alone strangers.  If I didn't see anyone I knew well, I'd hide in the bathroom until the bell rang.  Ugh, even thinking about it now knots my stomach.  You know, to this day...at 37...I STILL have school nightmares.  Not remembering my locker combinations, forgetting where my classes are, and being stuck at lunch with no one.  Horrible!

As I look back, it's amazing to me how much I purposely put memories aside and chose to forget them.  I see why, but as I was thinking about this over the past few days with all the kids going back to school, I had memories fly back that I completely forgot about.  I do this a lot with a lot of my anxiety issues.  I asked my husband last night if I was really that bad.  He confirmed that with a big fat "worse".  I asked him how so and he told me because my anxieties never left...ever.  I was anxious from the time I got up to the time I went to bed (which I didn't sleep).  There was no wavering with moods with me, they were always foul.  Of course, back then, I had absolutely no idea there was anything wrong.  I genuinely assumed this was life and everyone felt like this.  All of these anxiety blogs and memories and conclusions are ones I made in the present time because I couldn't recognize an issue.  Looking back, after getting out of most of my anxiety issues, is when it started to dawn on me that things weren't right from quite some time.  To be honest, I don't ever remember a time where I didn't have some sort of anxiety issues.  It's sad, really...but in a way not.  I'm a firm believer everything happens for a reason and my past struggles made me who I am right now.  I still have a LOT of growing to do and my chat with my husband last night really made me feel good about how far I've actually come.  Even despite my little boo-hoo moment yesterday.  I don't like to re-hash things because it's the past and especially for him because I put him through the wringer on a daily basis, but I can also learn from how I was and it helps to have someone else point out things even if they hurt.  I'm so thankful the universe aligned and had me and him log in to the same BBS at the same time which got us talking because I really think that if he wasn't in my life, I would be no better than I was 10+ years ago.  Do I have my moments?  Sure...and they scare the both of us.  BUT, I also think that fear is what drives me (which sounds super odd coming from someone with an anxiety disorder who just said fear was bad)...but I don't ever want to go back there.  He certainly doesn't want to do that shit all over again...so it gives me a push in the right direction.

As usually, I started on one subject and kind of morphed into another but I just felt like I needed to get that off my chest and out there.

Much love and light~

~Tammy

Dallas...where's Alice?

WARNING:  This blog will follow my thought patterns which means it’ll be all over the damn place and endlessly long.  Read at your own risk ;)

About a month ago, I got a random text from my staff partner from Relay for Life asking me if I wanted to go to Dallas for the annual Relay for Life conference.  Giving my generic "but" answer I tend to give when the thought of something sounds good but makes me anxious “that’s so tempting but funds would not allow that” to which I was met with “ACS pays for everything.”  Well damn, that didn’t work!  So I pondered it for a few minutes and immediately text my friend who lives in Texas “How far are you from Dallas?”  “Like 5-10 min.   Mesquite is a suburb of big D.”  Hmmmmmm, I thought a little harder.  I wanted to go, initially, but I figured if the conference sucked I’d at least get to meet up with a friend and it would make the trip a little worth it.  So, I thought for a few more minutes, tried to get some work done, but I couldn’t get it out of my head.  I knew I had to act fast as there was only one spot left open for volunteers and I didn’t want me dragging my feet be the reason why I didn’t go.   I made my final and most important decision text to my husband.  Told him I had the opportunity to go but the only problem was it was only a few days after me getting back from Jersey so he’d have to take the dog the whole time and that I wouldn’t know anyone there and what his honest thoughts on me going was.  He promptly told me to go for it…to go meet new people and have fun.  He always pushes me to better myself and ensures me I can do things that I convince myself I can’t… so that’s when I gave my staff partner the final “let’s go for it” text.

I waited on pins and needles for the next couple of days because I wouldn’t know if I for sure was going until those asked before me declined (I’m assuming) and then I should get an invite email.  I tried to not think about it.  I was going with the theory of if I was meant to go, then I’d go.  If I wasn’t meant to go, then I wouldn’t get the invite. 

I got the invite.

Queue the panic!  I got the email on the date of the deadline and of course the thousands steps I needed to do in order to confirm my interest, hotel and flights was halted because the website wasn’t working which made me beyond anxious.  Several emails and texts back and forth with 4 different people for what seems like forever and I finally got through and was able to choose my classes, my room, and eventually my flights.  I could puke at the thought.

For anyone who knows me personally or who has read through my babblings on this page, you probably know the circle of events that back stroked their way through my brain.  To those of you who are new to this blog, you’re probably thinking what’s the big deal?  Well, to someone with an anxiety disorder this is a huge deal.  Little things are huge deals.  Sometimes walking out the front door is a huge deal.  As someone who was agoraphobic for years, that last one is a huge accomplishment for me let alone traveling a thousand miles by myself to stay a weekend in a place I don’t know, with people I have never met and having a roommate I only know the name of.  Huge deals here!

So, anyway, I went through a whole mess of emotions.  I was just coming off some other strong emotions as mentioned in my previous blog so this just heightened things for me.  Bad timing, I guess.  I would yo-yo from being really excited to being really nervous.  I even thought about how I could cancel without making myself look like an ass but that was short lived.  I knew I HAD to go.  Not because it was already booked and paid for, but because I knew this was something I had to do.  The wait is the worst.  Anticipatory anxiety, for me, is worse than panic attacks sometimes.  The whole unknown, the constant flip flop stomach, the random waves of fear that go from your head to your toes were all very prominent.  I tried to keep myself busy and not think of it at all, actually.  I tried some new oils out to help me which seemed to work for the most part but there was always that white elephant in the room…that huge white elephant with a lone star on its side just mocking me, reminding me what was coming and whispering all of these awful things that were going to happen.  Elephant: “psst…you know they won’t have your boarding passes right?  It’ll be like you never even got your plane tickets at all.”  “Psst…I bet the plane will crash, wouldn’t that be fun?”  “Psst…you might as well just get used to being alone; no one is going to want to be friends with you.  Pick your place to hide now and only come out when you need to.”  That elephant needed to STFU is what that elephant needed to do but unfortunately he didn’t shut it before my mind was half convinced of these things.

FF>> to the night before the trip.  I was packing…feeling okay and took a call from a friend asking me how I was doing.  He knew I was nervous.  He asked about my flights so I told him.  “Ummm I hate to tell you this, but you know that’s a prop plane, right?”  NOOOOOOOOO!  OMG I’M GOING TO DIE!  WHAT IS THIS WWI?  WHO HAS PROP PLANES? Surprisingly I slept pretty well that night. 

I had some nerves at the airport but not too bad, until I walked down the stairs to the tarmac and saw the dreaded propellers!  OH EM GEE!  You have GOT to be kidding me!  It’s a flying coffin.  Got settled and was okay until I saw the props starting to turn…then the shimmy…wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle…not a happy girl!  Take off was weird feeling, I thought I was going to have to get out and push.  “Ladies and gentlemen we will be traveling at 5000 feet…”  I had to laugh at that…5k… and let me tell you it’s much bumpier at 5000 than 34000.  Landing is something we don’t discuss.  I think my stomach is still back on the plane BUT I survived and thankfully my next flight was a regular ole normal jet with nothing to report. 

Landing in Dallas…before we even got out of the airport I could feel the heat.  OMG the heat!  I’ve never in my life felt anything like it.  Go bake some cookies… stand in front of the over once it’s at temp and put your face in the hot air.  Yeah, THAT’S Dallas!

Anyway, I hid from other relay people on my trip down but I figured I had to put on my big girl undies and start mingling now that I was where I was supposed to be and it was unavoidable.  I found a few “purple people” at the airport and flagged them down to find the shuttle to the airport.  Small talk started, wasn’t too bad and it was short lived.  Once we got to the hotel, those who I was awkwardly friendly with went their own way and I was on my own again.  Queue the elephant tapping on my shoulder telling me “I told you so.” So I decided to hurry up to my room (my roommate hadn’t checked in yet) to drop off my crap and pull myself together.  I stayed maybe 10 minutes…long enough to pee, unload my bag and put on some Valor for extra strength and I took a deep breath and decided now was as good a time as any to go down and register…before I lost my nerve anyway.  And, that’s what I did…I put caution to the wind and went down with a smile and tried to hide my anxieties and find kind faces to maybe gravitate towards.  I registered and headed to the relay store and by the time I finished there it was just about time for dinner.  Well, I’m hungry so let’s give this a try (one of my biggest anxiety quirks is eating in front of people.  Usually I’d starve before doing it).  I found our section and it was pretty empty so I found a table next to the buffet and got something to eat…by myself.  Well, the elephant was there.  ;)  Maybe 10 minutes later and a very nice woman asked to sit with me and about two minutes later another 4 joined and the one joined shortly after that.  It was nice we were sectioned off by division so even though we all weren’t from the same state, we were close and it gave us something in common other than relay.  I actually sat and chatted with these friendly people before going to our first meeting, also by division so we were all going to the same place which was nice. 

And that’s how my weekend started…once I put myself out there and let my guard down most of my anxieties went away.  Everyone and I do mean EVERYONE was very nice.  I think it was the fact we were all there for a common goal.  My general sessions were grouped with those I was familiarizing myself with from New England so it was nice to see familiar faces several times a day…faces I felt like I belonged to.  My breakout sessions had some people from my division but mostly not.  However, you’d be proud to know that I did not just sit there like a bump on a log, but I actually actively participated in all aspects in all of my classes.  “This is highly irregular, Dave.” But I really feel like I got a lot out of the classes.  I even…wait for it…got up and danced for hours during our second dinner/reception/party/doodad…whatever you want to call it.  I know, I almost fainted at the thought too.  By the time Friday night ended, I was feeling pretty good about myself and so proud of myself for tackling this like an adult.  By the next morning I didn’t even have to put any oils to go down to go to breakfast.  I knew I’d find my familiars who would welcome me to the table with no questions asked and I did.  I even found a buddy who I clicked with so well we had to friend each other on facebook before we left.  I mean, you can’t just lose contact with the person you accidentally crashed the top fundraisers photo op/awards/gifts gathering with.  ;)  My reward for passing this weekend with flying colors was a lunch out with my Texas girls and wine tasting before heading home.

So, what did I learn?  A lot!  I learned that even though I’m 10+ years past “recovering” from anxiety, it will always be there and I will always have to work at it, but that’s okay.  I learned that I can do anything I set my mind to.  I learned that my perceptions of people and situations are usually incorrect when my mind is infected with anxiety.  I learned that you “have” to dance to Madonna.  I learned that sniffing Crayola crayons can drop your blood pressure 10 points.  I learned that I can’t Dougie even if you teach me.  I learned that if I just drop my guard even just a little, great an amazing things can and will happen.  I learned that cinnamon is good for you so eat the ice cream.  I learned that no one on this green earth should be in Texas in August…ever…ever ever ever! 

So, I know some of you are wondering, again, why I share these things.  First and foremost I do it because it helps me tremendously.  If you don’t journal in some way, you should.  It allows me to go back and see the things I’ve over come or how I used to feel and how I’ve grown or even just to remind myself that yes I’ve felt this way before and survived.  The second reason why I share these publicly is because it always, in some way, helps someone else out.  Anxiety issues are more popular than you think!  We are just really good at hiding it.

Much love and light~

Tammy

I'm seeing the light

Today was a good day.  It's the first day in a probably a month where I didn't feel that general anxious feeling all day long.  In fact, today is the first day I didn't have to tell myself to stop scaring myself...although the day is not over, yet.  I really think I'm over the nasty hump and am on my way down the anxiety hill.  This side of the hill is much nicer with luscious green grass and the most beautiful flowers you've ever seen.  The sky is blue, the clouds are colorful and the temperature is nice and warm.  It's nice to be here.  Before I know it I'll be on that flat meadow where this is view most days.  I can't wait.

Work was pretty boring (as it is this time of year) since most people are away for the holidays.  BUT, I didn't spend my day consumed with fear.  My boss even let me leave at 2:30pm which was nice.  I had some down time at home before I had to head to the gym.  I had a pretty awesome work out and even though I had a mini panic attack during it (I'm always afraid of passing out and when I exercise hard I feel a bit light headed) I finished my training session and felt pretty damn good after it.  Now I'm sitting here trying to decide what to have for dinner.  Why did I tell you all of that?  Because it's the little things that we take for granted.  Normal people go through this routine on a daily basis.  Anxious people spend 24 hours a day worrying about things that feel very real to them, but may not be.  Anxious people don't take down time at work to fiddle around and do nothing, they spend that time looking symptoms up on the Internet.  Anxious people don't pat themselves on the back for feeling the panic attack, recognizing it and then overcoming it...they beat themselves up over it.  99% of what "normal" people do every day on autopilot anxious people don't feel/do.  So, when we are feeling good and can be mindful about what we are doing, that's a huge thing for us.  That is why I include things like that.  It also reminds me that I did well today :)  I'll never forget the first time I went out and pumped my own gas.  I think I had permasmile for a week.  Remember, for those just tuning in, I was agoraphobic.  I could only leave the house by myself to go to work and to my parents house...oh and the Dr. because I'm a hypochondriac after all.  My parents house was my safe place and I had to work so I had to go there.  Everywhere else I went I had to have someone else with me or I wouldn't go and even with someone with me it was a horrific experience for me internally.

But, anyway, that was many years ago and we know that if we are stuck in the past we are depressed, if we are stuck in the future we are anxious but if you are living in the present, we are at peace.

Much love and light~

Tammy

Gratitude Jars

Firstly, I want to thank all of those who reached out to me about my post yesterday and shared their experiences.  It is certainly nice to know that I am not the only one who has had these feelings and fears.  I sat on the fence for a bit yesterday deciding whether or not I should share yesterday's babbles.  Ultimately I decided that I needed to.  When I first was aware that I had an anxiety disorder, I kept it a secret as much as I could.  I didn't want people to think less of me or think I'm crazy.  When I started to feel a bit better I started to open up more about it.  Low and behold, the more people I told, the more people told me they had similar issues.  Go figure!  I decided then that I was no longer ashamed of my issues and would share them when needed.  Obviously this blog is no different.  Although it would be nice if if were all happy go lucky posts full of positivity, I know that is not reality.  I will fight this disorder my entire life and to think I will never have set backs is unrealistic.

At any rate...Gratitude Jars.  Last year I came across a post on Pinterest about a Gratitude Jar.  It bothers me that every year around this time people claim that the year they are in was down right shitty and they hope next year is better.  Every year.  People (and I'm guilty of this too) focus way too much on the negatives and tend to forget about the positives.  Yes, I understand that bad things happen to everyone every year, but I'm willing to bet it wasn't 365 days of crap.  A gratitude jar is a jar or container that you keep out (Mine says "Life is Good") and starting on January 1st you write all the good things that happen to you on little pieces of paper and keep it in the jar.  I also included trinkets like my shoe tag from my first Warrior Dash or my Maroon 5 ticket.  I make sure I write the date on my notes because I plan on continuing this every year and this way I can keep all of the old notes in one place and not have to separate them into different boxes.  On New Year's Eve, you open your jar and read all of the good things that happened to you that year.  I always try to reflect on all the good things that happen to me through out the year on NYE but I think this is going to be a lot more fun.  My jar is pretty full and I'm very much looking forward to seeing everything I wrote.  I use scrap book paper so it looks pretty in the jar.

I challenge everyone reading this to try it this year.  You have a few more days to go out and find a jar or container of your choice.  I have a large mason jar, but the one I made for my niece for Christmas is a clear glass vase.  Decorate it as you choose.  Like I said, mine says "Life is Good" on it, but the one I made my niece simply says "Gratitude Jar".  The choice is yours.  Keep it in view so you remember to add to it.  It may take some reminding at first but before you know it you'll be looking forward to getting home to add your good memories to it.  I look forward to hearing your experiences!

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

I'm a hypochondriac

It's funny how when you are feeling good your mind is no longer pre-occupied with the things that your anxious mind has front stage.  I was editing some things on my facebook page and was reminded of this awesome blog that I started with such high hopes.  Not only did I want to continue helping myself, but I thought publicly verbalizing my struggles might help those going through similar experiences.

My life, the past few weeks, has been pure hell.  I said when I first started that I was going to be honest, and that is being honest.  My anxiety has gotten to a place where it hasn't been in probably ten years and it hit me out of the blue.  My hypochondriasis is out.of.control.  I'm focusing more of the fear of dying then focusing on enjoying life.  What makes it worse is I know what is going on (for the most part) and yet I still can't seem to get out of this horrible fear cycle I put myself into!  About a year and a half ago I hurt myself.  I was at Target, taking a much needed mental break from Tax Season Hell and decided to get out and zen.  My husband was working and it was late so I figured what the hey.  I remember buying some gardening things that I could use once the weather turned warmer.  Before I knew it my cart was pretty full and I decided it was probably best to get out of the store before I became poorer than I already am.  On my way to my car, I went all the way down the aisle that was opposite my car.  No big deal in my mind, except they have a long grass mall separating the cars where I parked instead of just a painted line.  Me being a lazy ass, I decide I'm going to lift the cart over the curb instead of walking all the way around to the other side.  I don't right off recall if I felt pain then, but I woke up in the middle of the night with mild discomfort in my left side/abdomen.  I also had quite a stomach ache so I really wasn't sure what was going on and attributed the pain to the stomach ache.  Fast forward to several weeks later and the pain is still there.  It's just a dull ache that comes and goes but it's there none-the-less.  My mom makes me hit the walk in clinic (probably because she was tired of me complaining about it) and the Dr. is stumped.  It doesn't hurt when he presses on the area or when I twist and bend and none of my symptoms match anything, really.  His conclusion is that I probably tore/strained a muscle and sent me home with muscle relaxers (which I didn't take).  Slowly but surely the pain subsides, but not completely.  I'll have days or maybe a week w/o it at all then it will come back for a day or two...ache...twitch...then go away again.  I noticed that after doing a significant abdominal work out (especially using the twisting machine at the gym) that it would ache pretty bad for a day or two after.  I also noticed, around this time, that I would go a few days w/o any discomfort but the second I said to myself "hmm I haven't had that pain in a while" the damn thing would come back.  It got to a point where I hadn't had any issues for a good several months.  Almost a year to the date later, it came back.  Now I'm wondering if it's stress related.  Makes sense that I wouldn't have any pain (and when I say pain, it has never gotten beyond a 3-4 tops on a scale of 1-10) and then as soon as I think about it, it comes back.  I also noticed during this whole ordeal that much like me clenching my jar w/o realizing it, I also contract my ab muscles even when I'm sitting "relaxed".  In fact, on more than one occasion, when the ache came back I realized I was engaging my abs and as soon as I relaxed them, the pain left.  ANYWAY,  the pain subsided and went away again and I forgot about it.  Maybe I'd get a twinge here and there if I over did it on the trail or at the gym, but nothing substantial.  November comes around and my anxiety over traveling has set in, plus putting things together for our anniversary dinner and such.  Two days before leaving the pain comes back except this time I'm already anxious and I can't ignore it.  I've already replayed me having severe pains (even though that has never happened) while flying and them having to do an emergency landing or do some sort of CPR on me while on the plane.  How embarrassing!    Of course none of that happened and it went away for the week and promptly came back the night before we left to fly home.  Went away again for a week and now it has been back for a week and here I am now.  Meanwhile, I though my anxiety would disappear once we got back from Vegas since traveling is over.  Unfortunately it has heightened tenfold.  I am feeling a lot of the same feelings I had before I got help.  The pain in my abdomen has killed me 30 different times in 20 different ways in the past week (all in my head of course).  I'm completely obsessive like how I was before I got help when I had appendicitis and heart attacks on a weekly basis (not really, of course).  This afternoon I was completely convinced I had pancreatic cancer for about an hour then dulled it down to pancreatitis.  Why?  Because the pain is on the left hand side.  Never mind the fact that I don't have any other symptom than mild discomfort on that side.  Thought about it all.day.long making me sick and down right miserable.  Obsessing, like usual, I look up where the pancreas is located on my phone when I got home from work.  Yeah, it's on the same side but much lower (down near my navel) and not up where my stomach is.  So that was a whole day wasted.  I went to double check the phone because why believe it the first time and I kept getting an error message.  Okay, I get it, divine intervention.  BUT I managed to get around that a few hours later but triple checking on my computer.

So...I've been wrapped up in being completely miserable with an anxiety level at about 30 over what has shown itself to me as nothing for the past 1.5 years.  Because, really, what makes more sense...the fact that I started this pain a mere six hours after improperly lifting a very heavy object, that acts up when I stress the muscle either with ab exercises or subconsciously tensing my stomach muscles during stressful times and goes away when I relax the muscles or I'm consumed with something so my anxiety is gone OR I'm dying of 20 different deadly diseases that my only symptom matches...which is that I have a dull ache in that area.  I think it's pretty obvious I'm dying ;)  Truth be told, other than this issue, I've been in the best health I have been in probably my whole life thanks to running.

Seriously, though, this growth spurt has really thrown me for a loop.  I've been lazy and eating like crap for the past month and I'm sure that has a A LOT to do with it. I really need to get back to running, back to meditating and lay off all the sweets.  Sugar/caffeine are horrible triggers and exercising is nature's xanax.

My New Year's Resolution for this year (which I'll write about next week) is to have inner and outer harmony.  I can't wait to get back to that peaceful place!

Much love and light,

Tammy

It's been a rough couple of weeks

The second leg of this anxiety journey has proven to be a harder one than I ever imagined.  I feel so frustrated and conflicted in a way I've never felt before.  I think it's because I know how I was but I also know what it's like to be free from anxiety so I'm constantly fighting with myself.  I feel like a dog that keeps chasing his tail.

It's clear that this time around I have far more depression than I did the first time around.  Last time I was so anxious and agoraphobic that I completely isolated myself in my house as well as within my own brain.  I was depressed, sure, as anxiety and depression go hand and hand, but I was far too anxiety ridden to even care about it.  I was plagued with limitations, irrational fears, scary thoughts, panic attacks and anything else you can think of so feeling down didn't really bother me too much.  This time I don't have the limitations I did, before.  I still get panic attacks but they are far and few between and I know exactly what they are and how to handle them.  I still have irrational fears, but I work on those so now it seems like all I feel is depressed, bummed out, moody, and angry.  I'm angry because I feel like I can't just snap out of it.  I realize I have deeper issues with the loss of my brother, with the loss of smokey, but in a way I think I'm mourning myself most of all.  I know this disorder is a life long illness.  Much like an alcoholic or a drug addict, I have a bad habit that is bad for my health.  It sucks me in at times and I have to fight my way to get out of it.  And, much like someone with this kind of addiction, it's so disappointing when a set back jumps up and wiggles in our faces.  I've been focusing so much on the negative and putting blinders on to the big picture.  My biggest fear at this point is that I'm not giving my "all" to the program like I did nine years ago (yeah I thought it was seven, but it's nine).  This has to stop right now.

Yesterday I had a long chat with my wonderful husband.  He described this set back in a way that I could understand.  I'm a very visual person so I usually need to have things spelled out, drawn out, or painted for me in order to understand.  He asked me to imagine my disorder like a wall I painted.  When it dried, I notice a few spots I missed.  I wouldn't go and re-paint the entire wall, I'd re-paint the spots I missed.  That made so much sense to me in terms of the program.  I'm listening to the entire thing (which you have to) but I'm going through parts I already painted and essentially healed.  It's going to be harder to pick out and utilize the parts I missed the first time and need right now.  It doesn't mean that I'm half assing the program, it simply means I'm not needing to re-paint these parts of the wall but it's great to refresh the area to make sure I got it all.  BUT, at the same time, I can't go into it thinking "I don't need to listen to this, I know it already" because I may tune out to that one important part that I need to give me that "ah ha" moment of healing.

I was contemplating starting over again and being more in tuned to the program, but Justin said that I shouldn't based on the above.  I think I will back step a lesson or two and really work on the ones I need at this point.  The angry lesson in particular.  I have to get back to a place where I'm not a reactionary person.  I need to put that filter back up because it doesn't make me feel good to be so angry and bothered, just as it doesn't make the person feel good I'm lashing out on.  I also need to start blogging more.  Getting my feelings out really helps, and I don't know why I stopped it.  I don't even journal in private so I'm bottling things up.  Never a good thing with an anxious mind. 

Bottom line is I just have to get up and do it.  I know how I'm feeling, and I know that I don't like it so I need to stop poo pooing about it and change it.  Will all my days be happy from now on?  Yeah right!  Not even close, but this is what we call life.  If we were happy all the time we wouldn't appreciate it as much.

I'll be away this weekend for a wedding, but I am hoping to start up my weekly Friday blog like I was doing over the winter.  Now that it's getting cooler and darker out sooner and I am no longer painting my house...I think I will have the time to do it.  I have to MAKE the time to do it.

Thanks for listening to me babble.

Much Love and Light
~Tammy

Circle of life

I'm supposed to be on session four this week but I took the time to do session three again this week even though that was half assed as well.  I'm having a dilemma with time management.  I feel like I am always trying to beat the clock between work, the gym, the program, and still doing everything else I need to do in a day.  I thought I solved this issue last week with listening to the program while at the gym.  Maybe this is still the answer and my heart just isn't in the program the past week. 

Last week we went from having three kitties to having two.  I had a very very hard time with this, more than I ever thought I would.  It wasn't putting him down that killed me, it was knowing he was ill and seeing him not himself even though we were assured by three separate vets that he was not in any pain.  I even took most all of last week off of the gym and if it wasn't for the fact that my boss was on vacation and I could boo-hoo at work, I probably would have had a hard time doing that too.  I've never felt so much grief over anything in my life and I felt it most when he was still alive.  I knew he couldn't live forever, but I just didn't expect it to be verbally diagnosed on a Tuesday and be gone by Friday.  Monday he looked great, Tuesday he just seemed off and we were told that all signs point to kidney failure and with his advanced age and advanced symptoms there was nothing for us to do than just keep him comfortable until nature took its course.  I cried non stop at the thought for the rest of the week but still didn't think that by Wednesday I'd be making the call to put him down because he started to refuse food and water and couldn't take more than a few steps with out falling down.  Just looking at his face I knew it was time.  He just looked depressed that he couldn't move anymore.  He tried to jump up when I went to feed him some can food but fell over and was so upset that he refused more than a few licks and wouldn't take anymore despite me trying to feed him over the course of a few hours.  I spent the rest of my time with him constantly checking to see if he was still breathing and trying to find him when he managed to crawl off somewhere to hide (most likely from me making sure he was OK ha ha).

My last night with him was a rough one.  He had manged to make it up stairs and hid himself in the bottom of a cat tower we have.  I made sure he was still breathing and tried to fall asleep.  I managed two hours from about 1am to little after 3am when I woke up to find he had some how made his way up on the bed.  I still don't know how he did this because it was his back legs that weren't working.  He curled up in his usual spot on my legs and fell asleep for an hour or so.  I didn't have the heart to fall back asleep because I knew this was our last time together so I just enjoyed watching him.  He woke up, saw that I was awake and excitedly tried to make it over to me, which he really couldn't so I helped him over and we cuddled until about 7am when I started to get up and ready for work.  Once he saw me up he tried to jump down so I moved him to the floor so he could see what I was up to.  Smudge took one look at him, sniffed his head, and made the most horrible howling while leaving the room.  For a dumb cat, he sure knew what was up.  I left for work early because I knew if I didn't leave then I'd never make it out of the house and for the next 7 hours I watched the clock to his 3pm appointment.  I give my husband uber amounts of credit for bringing him in.  There's no way in hell I could have done it.  At a little after 3pm I got a text saying the vet really wanted to make sure it was kidney failure and he was admitting him for the night.  I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me at this point.  All this hype and it's being prolonged another day.  I was so glad they kept him though so I could at least try and get some sleep.  By noon the next day it was confirmed...stage 4.  So, my wonderful husband went back and was with him when they put him down.  He assured me it was a peaceful experience and that he was no longer suffering.  The both of us felt a sense of relief.  I think we both knew his time was coming up soon because of his weight loss, but you come to more tolerable conclusions.  Fatty hogs the bowl so he doesn't get a lot, he's old, he's got arthritis, etc.  Outside of him losing weight up until 2 Friday's ago where he had what we now think is a seizure, he was his normal self.  Running around and still eating and drinking and typically being Smokey. 

Although the what ifs came for a visit they were short lived.  I know in my heart we gave him the best possible life and care.  The first vet told my husband that with his breed, kidney failure shows up around the 7-8 year mark.  Smokey would have been 15 in October.  I think that, alone, says we did a good job.  We should be getting his ashes Monday and will be burying him in the back with his favorite pink teddy bear that he carried around since he was a kitten.  In the mean time we still have two crack head cats left that keep us thoroughly entertained.  Of course we are now a little paranoid when it comes to them and getting a little anxious when something looks a bit out of place, but I'm sure this is normal and will pass.  They are adjusting, we are adjusting and I'm sure by this time next month we'll be back to normal.  Right now it's still hard.  I still expect to see him when I come home, and napping on the weekend will never be the same since we always did that together.  But, the circle of life will continue to continue.  We both love animals way too much to not have them in our lives and when these two are gone (hopefully 10 years or more from now), other shelter kitties and/or doggies will enter our lives.  I always told Justin if we could ever afford a huge barn like house, I'd adopt all the older dogs and cats from the shelter that everyone ignores and let them enjoy their Sr. years being spoiled with us.  Maybe one day.

Much Love and Light

~Tammy

Lesson 2

As I stated in my last blog I had...well, have...mixed emotions starting the program again.  I, however, didn't bet on having such a hard time with it.  I feel like I did seven years ago with out the limitations I had.  I feel happy, then angry, then lost and anything else you can find in between.  I'm having doubts even though I know the program works.  Regardless of my feelings at the moment, I'm living proof it works.  I had to ask my husband if I was a complete yo-yo when I started last time.  He assured me I was.  And, by yo-yo I mean having emotional highs and lows not being a doofus, although I'm good at that too.

I'm on lesson 3 now, but I wanted to re-cap lesson 2.

I'm sure I spoke about panic attacks before and I'm sure I'll talk about them again.   It's important to know that EVERYONE has had a panic or anxiety attack at some time in their lives whether they have an anxiety disorder or not.  It is also important to know that YOU CAUSE THIS!  The Fight or Flight system that our complicated bodies have is a magnificent thing.  It's great when we truly need it when in a life or death situation or something else of that magnitude.  However, we tend to over use and abuse this power we have.  We lie to ourselves so intensely and consistently that we believe what we are thinking is real and it starts the cycle.  Our bodies are duped into thinking there is an actual crisis and it starts dumping hormones into our important organs causing them to engorge, pump, and react faster than ever before.  Adrenaline starts pouring into our blood stream which boosts our energy level a million times over so that if we do need to flee, we have the resources to do so.  The problem is, we are sitting at our desk thinking about a tiny twinge in our foot that must now be cancer.  Because we've scared ourselves over a complete lie, our bodies are now high strung and on edge.  BUT, we aren't doing anything to burn it off because there is no danger in reality, just in our highly imaginative minds.  This leads us to forget about what caused the panic cycle to begin with and now we are focused on the body symptoms that come along with the Fight or Flight response.  "My heart is beating fast, I'm going to have a heart attack."  "My head is spinning, I'm going to faint."  "My breathing is short, what if it stops?"  Etc., etc., etc.

Panic attacks are no fun and I wouldn't wish them upon my worst enemy.  They scare the life out of us, get us all worked up for what seems like forever but only lasts maybe 20 minutes and then exhausts us into depression.  The good news is no one has ever died of a panic attack, they don't last forever, and you do have the power to control and eventually eliminate them.  Body symptoms are completely normal.  Once you learn to float with the feelings and not be so afraid of them, the panic attacks will start to lessen.  Talk to yourself to remind yourself that "of course my heart is pounding, I scared myself."  "Of course I'm dizzy, I'm having a panic attack and it will pass."  Stop shadow boxing your scary thoughts, you won't win.  Turn away and give them no power.

They key to getting rid of panic attacks is accepting the fact that you have them and you can either make it better or make it worse simply by how you think.  Once you have a external stressor (I think I made that word up) keep it there.  If you start to get body symptoms because you are entering a panic attack recognize that it's just anxiety and accept that it's perfectly normal to feel this way.  Be kind to yourself and tell yourself it's okay to feel this way.  Make sure you remember to breath (circle breathing or 2/4 breathing) is best which is breathing through your nose for 2 seconds, and then out of your mouth for 4 seconds...TRUE seconds, this isn't a race.  Make sure you be as positive and kind to yourself as you can.  If it's still not eliminating your symptoms then get up and do something.  Help burn that energy off.  Clean the house, go for a walk, play with your kids, etc.  Don't forget to laugh at yourself.  Humor, although panic attacks are not a funny thing especially in the beginning, is a great way to counteract anxious/negative feelings.  It's like anxiety's kryptonite.

I promise the more your practice this the better it gets.  Sometimes I couple humor into the beginning of a panic attack.  "Oh, it's YOU again, huh?  Well c'mon show me what you got!  You wanna go?"  It's OKAY to be silly with it.  That probably helps me most often, but it didn't at the beginning so if that doesn't work for you, figure out what does.  YOU ARE IN CONTROL!  And, you can do this!

Much Love and Light

~Tammy

It's days like these

That remind me how far I've actually come on this anxiety journey regardless of me going back through the program.  For this, I'm eternally grateful for having insomnia and seeing the infomercial, for me finally realizing what my problem was (7 years ago), and for my husband (then boyfriend) ordering me said program before I could even finish asking him if I could get it.  As much as I feel like I've gone backwards in some things, today really opened my eyes on how better I am - above and beyond what my desires were so long ago. 

Dad is off having surgery #3 on his spine.  This time, in his neck due to a pinched nerve.  The previous two surgeries were for his back.  Same surgeon, same hospital, so third time around I'm pretty familiar with how things go.  However, both times previously (once before the program, once after) I was with my mom.  Unfortunately her boss is on vacation and there was no way she could be here and open the store at the same time.  So, my awesome husband dropped dad and I off and I went in it alone.  I had a lot of anticipatory anxiety last night going through scenarios in my head (that never happened as they often don't) about me getting lost, not finding the waiting room, etc.  Not to mention the fact that hospitals give me the wicked heebies in general.  As I sit here in the waiting room typing this out, I have to giggle about myself catastrophizing the whole day yesterday because nothing went wrong.  Everything went smooth.  So silly that we do this to ourselves every.damn.time for absolutely no good reason other than our minds feel the need to consume itself with negativity.

Since I knew I was going to have a long wait, I brought my work book in with me to do my homework.  Yes, the program gives you homework.  As I was going through the questions (pretty much just rating how you are feeling now and how this program will help) I was a bit dissatisfied about some of my answers on how I'm feeling in general.  However, when we got to the part of limitations and rating anxiety levels during certain situations, I had to smile.  When I first came across this pages years prior, 98% of what was listed was a limitation for me and anxiety at the highest level.  Now, only two things on the list is something I would consider a limitation and even at that they still aren't things I'd completely avoid.  Not to mention the fact that my anxiety level is mild/moderate not severe like it used to be.  So *happy dance* for me!

This post really has no purpose other to remind myself that I'm not a defective as I think I am and to occupy my mind some while I'm waiting for the surgeon to come back and talk to me after the surgery is over.

Proud chicky today! *insert cheesy grin*

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

Back to Day One

Well, I finally got my replacement workbook and I started day one of the program tonight.  I had a lot of emotions going into this.  I know this program works and I knew when I graduated from it seven years ago that set backs or what they call growth spurts are inevitable, but I still felt some what apprehensive starting all over again.  I guess, in a way, I felt like some sort of failure for having to use these tools again.  In reality, it just goes to show how much I've grown since I hit rock bottom in 2004.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with knowing you need help and seeking it.  Knowing that I was slipping back into my old ways just goes to prove how much this program works.  If it didn't, I would have gone on living my anxiously angry life like nothing was wrong like I did so many years before.  So, instead of being embarrassed for brushing up on my life skills learned, I'm going to be proud of myself for knowing I need them AND putting the effort into these next 16 weeks.

If you think about it, "all over again" is sort of a loaded phrase.  Yes, I've dedicated the next 16 weeks to go through the learning process a second time, but it really isn't an "all over again."  This time around I'm going in with a much healthier mind, I know what to expect, I know it works, and I am excited to grow even further in this life long process.

After re-reading the intro and listening to the first lesson earlier, my fears and inhibitions dwindled and I knew I was in the right place.  I knew this is where I should be in this part of my journey.  In a way it was like getting to talk to old friends again.  It was also a reminder on how far I've actually come since my first time.  The first lesson is about signs/symptoms and I remember having 99% of what they were talking about.  Now, not so much.  Yes, I have my days, but don't we all?  EVERYONE has anxiety in one form or another, it's how you choose to deal with it that separates us.

I forgot that they want you to do a personal journal through out the program, and I am going to do that here.  I think it might be beneficial to not only me by venting off feelings, but to those reading to see that someone else "has that too."  I know that even now, knowing someone else has felt the same thing or experienced the same physical symptoms is very comforting.  It's sort of like a more reliable Dr. Google ;)  Of course I never suggest anyone using that!

So, that's where I am right now.  Buckle up boys and girls this may be a bumpy ride!  BUT, it'll be well worth it!

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

On the Road Again...

Just can't wait to get on the road again...

I know I've been away for a few months.  Things got quite hectic at the end of tax season and then my May and June were jam packed with birthday and volunteer commitments.  Last weekend was my first weekend off from everything and it was nice to have a day or two to do absolutely nothing!

So, what's been up with me?  Well, I joined a gym.  Exercise is awesome for those of us with anxiety issues. I will touch upon that in another blog, but I can tell you one thing.  No matter what kind of a day I'm having (anxious, bad, pissed, etc.) by the time I leave the gym I feel great.  I never joined one before and I didn't know that I would turn into a gym rat so fast, but I love it.

On the anxiety front, I've been better.  I've been worse too so I have that to be thankful for.  I came to the conclusion that trying this or that are not working and that I need to start back up what I know works.  So, I ordered another workbook for the program I was on and I am going to do the 16 week program all over again.  It's time.  I feel a little bummed about it but at the same time I don't.  I know I'm no where near as bad as I was before I first started the program seven years ago but I also know that I'm not where I was when I finished the program either.  Nothing wrong with going through it again, touching  upon some things I still need help with and moving up to a new level of recovering.  I also decided that I can't spread myself as thin as I was and I resigned from one of my jobs.  It was a very hard decision, but it was needed.

So this is where I'm at.  I'm excited to be more public about the journey this time around and I intend on going through all 16 weeks on here so if you were at all interested in the program or what I did to better myself, here's your chance!  I'm not telling you to run off and buy it, but this is what worked for me and so this is what I will use again.  Seven years is a long time to be out of "treatment" so to speak so I think it's going to be a great thing to revisit and remind myself of lessons I've clearly forgotten about.  My blog posts won't just be about the program, though. I do have a long list of topics I wanted to discuss before I went on hiatus.  As always, if there are any topics you'd like me to talk about, feel free to let me know!  Also, if you know of someone who would benefit from this blog, feel free to share it.  I have 9 followers now and I'll always welcome more!

Love and Light~

Tammy

Be your own cheerleader

Seriously.  The person that counts the most in this battle is yourself.  Yes, it is beyond awesome to get praises from those around you, but when push comes to shove, you are the one who is stuck with you no matter what the circumstances are.  So why not be your own cheerleader?  Whip out the pompoms if you have to!

When I was at my worst, I had so many things that I "couldn't" do.  I'm sure a lot of you are feeling the same way or at least have felt that way in the past.  Sometimes we dwell so much on the things we "can't" do (or rather won't) that we overlook overcoming any obstacles.  Regardless of how small the task may be, give yourself a pat on the back for doing it.  What may seem like a small feat for someone is probably a huge deal to you!  Make sure you give yourself recognition for stepping out of your comfort zone and accomplishing something you previously wouldn't have done.  Not only does it deserve your praise, but it makes you feel so good about yourself!  It also helps solidify that you can do things and you can get better.  As I stated last night, dwell in the positive feelings...do a happy dance if you must...whatever it takes for you to congratulate yourself on a job well done.  You'd do it for your friends, family, kids...why not do it for yourself?

Even though I'm far better than I was, there are still some lingering issues that I have.  One of them being a phone phobia.  To put it plainly, I'd rather have root canal work done than call someone.  I find it so stressful and I usually have to work myself up for an hour over a five minute phone call.  I've always been this way, even as a kid.  Teenage girl on the phone all night long?  Only if they called me!  I think this stems from one or two incidents I had when I actually did call someone and I started to talk to them as if they were the person I was calling, and it was someone else.  I was so embarrassed by it that I think of it every time I go to pick up the phone.  OR, just the opposite, when you don't recognize the voice and ask for so and so and their reply is "duh it's me!"  Nothing like feeling like a complete jackass to keep you from making that mistake more than once!  Those things happened to me over 20 years ago and yet they are still fresh in my mind.

Well, leave it to me to have an office job.  Of course one of my main jobs in the office is answering the phones (fine, that doesn't bother me at all) and calling people back, especially during tax season.  I do have to say that over the 14ish years of working there, I've gotten a lot better.  However, I still find it nerve wracking to call people back.  I will usually do a whole bunch of call backs at once and every time I get to the bottom of the list, I do my little happy clap and pat myself on the back for getting through another 30 minutes of non-stop phone calls.  Do I look silly?  Probably, but I don't care.  I'm so proud of myself when I finish that it's worth it.  And, it does make the next round of calls a little easier because I know that in a few short minutes I'll be doing my happy little clap all over again.

Bottom line is, you are working on yourself so you need to praise yourself.  We spend enough time getting down on ourselves for doing x, y, and z it's about time we rooted for ourselves for doing a, b, and c.

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

One day at a time?

No, not the TV show.  Am I dating myself?  At any rate, I'm sure everyone has heard of this phrase before.  I'm also sure that most of you have heard it in reference to alcoholics and/or drug addicts.  But, sometimes one day at a time doesn't quite work.  This is especially true if you are at a low point in your life or are having a hard time at the moment. 

The saying is meant to help people with addiction (us included) to focus on the now and not the past or future.  Remember, if you are living in the past you're depressed, if you are living in the future you're anxious, if you are living in the present you are content.  All forms of addiction have anxiety and depression feelings linked to it, so it's best to focus on the present moments and take things one day at a time.  However, sometimes a whole 24 hours is too much pressure for us to handle all at once.  So, I encourage you to take things one hour at a time instead!  If you are having an issue, a pain, a moron client, whatever...take it for that hour, deal with it, then let it go.  If you are having a good time, are happy, are relaxed...build on that, absorb the positive feelings and enjoy the moment that is making you smile.  Eventually, like writing down your negative thoughts, the bad moments won't seem as bad and won't stick in our minds for long while the good moments will carry us through the day. 

Today I had some ups and downs, as I'm sure everyone did.  I went most of the day w/o stomach pain but it started to come back around noon.  So I told myself that yes, I know the pain is there, but it's not severe, and therefore I am not going to feed into the mind games my brain tends to play when I have a pain.  In other words, I gave it no power and chose to continue on with my day.  The next hour was lunch so that was good (fatty likes to eat).  The rest of the day just crawled along and was even keel.  My last 15 minutes of work turned into a 45 minute wait for a client who said she'd be at my office to drop something off within that 15 minutes.  The more I waited, the more upset it made me.  However, her rudeness is none of my control.  Although it made me mad, I chose to focus on the wonderful pedi present my mom scheduled for me for 5pm and I left those feelings at work.  FF to my spa pedicure when I happily picked out a pretty purple color that made me happy just to look at it and I eagerly hopped in the chair with a book I've been trying to finish for over a year.  Although I do have issues with them sanding my feet, I kept telling myself to just relax with it an enjoy it.  And, I did!  One hour of being pampered was amazing and now my Freddy Krueger toes are cut back and pretty again.  Even hours later I'm still feeling the affects of this amazing time my mom gave to me and I'm relaxed and ready to face tomorrow.  So, even though my day had bad parts, I took it one hour at a time, one issue at a time and it still turned out to be a really good day regardless of the speed bumps that I had to slow down and climb myself over.

There's a saying out there somewhere about not letting a bad moment turn into a bad day or a bad day turning into a bad life.  I'll have to find it, but you get the gist.  One bad moment shouldn't delegate how the rest of your day should go.  If you let it, you will be missing out on so many amazing moments.  Instead of living one bad moment to another, try to live one great moment to another.  So think back about your day today and list the amazing moments you had, even if they seem small.  Allow yourself to be happy.

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

Completely in tune...not always a good thing

Let's talk about heightened sensitivity tonight, shall we? 

I want to bring each and every one of you back in time a little bit until you find yourself sitting in your high school math class.  Doesn't matter which one.  You've been sitting in class for 15 minute already and have either been hearing your teacher explain something you've never heard of before, or have been listening to her "wah wah wah wah" like all the teachers do on Peanuts.  Regardless, you've been hearing nothing but her chat about something you are convinced you will never use again in your life time.  This is how "normal" people go through out life.  They listen to what is around them, take in outside noise, and disregard or simply don't even notice much of anything else. 

Now let's go back to math class.  One of your classmates every so lovingly brings to your attention the fluorescent lights making that buzzing sound it always does.   Awesome, now that's all you hear!  Will it ever shut up?   This is how anxiety sufferers go through life especially with their own bodies.  Because we have such a heightened awareness and sensitivity to all things around us, those light and constant "buzzes" most people don't ever notice will consume us.  We feel, hear, taste, and smell what most people don't, won't, can't, or could care less about. 

Because our nerves are stimulated all.the.time due to our brains being on overdrive, it only makes sense that we would be more in tuned with our bodies.  This isn't necessarily a good thing.  Granted, it's nice to know who we are and what works for us on a daily basis.  However, with our compulsiveness (especially when it comes to health issues) it just causes more anxiety and stress.  A minor ache or pain will happen and our minds will instantly go to that part of our bodies and try to figure out why it happened and what it could be.  Most people might get that same reaction, but the process may last all of a few seconds.  When no answer is found, they simply move on with life.  Not us.  We're over achievers!  We will dwell on it for hours, days, months, even years and it's a guarantee if the pain, ailment, issue was bad enough...we'll always remember.   It's all a part of that hypochondriac part of anxiety coupled with fear about what it is that does us in.

In the program I did, it was said that if there is a major problem, chances are your body will know.  Meaning, if you are humming and hawning over a minor ache and pain for days or weeks on end, chances are it's not a big deal and you need to stop dwelling on it.  I'm not saying the pain isn't real, because I'm sure it is, I'm saying that you probably shouldn't be consuming you're entire life around this one thing.   It won't help you to focus and waste so much energy on it anyway so just acknowledge that you have it but then tell it you aren't giving it any energy today and focus on something else.  I know it sounds silly, but sometimes you just have to talk to yourself like that.  I, at least, find it helpful.

Here are a couple of things I've learned with myself that may help you out in this area.  If I've told you this already, I apologize.  Tax season leaves me with a short stack of functioning brain cells.  Anyway, if you have an ache/pain or an other ailment that's been nagging you for a while, take notice to when it is actually bothering you.  If you are wrapped up in a book, TV show, movie, the internet, or anything else and you aren't feeling the pain at all then chances are it's anxiety/tension/stress related.  You may not notice it at first but eventually you'll think to yourself "hey that headache went away" and it's usually followed by "oh crap it's back" because you are thinking about it again.  Here's another example... If pain A is suddenly gone because you now have pain B, chances are it is also anxiety/stress/tension related.  I spent many years going from one ailment to another simply because I was giving one ailment power until another one came along and I forgot about the first one.  When I was at my all time low, I don't think there was one day where something didn't hurt me. 

I'm not saying that every ache, pain, and issue you have is anxiety related and I'm not saying that you shouldn't visit your Dr. (a much more qualified person than I am) if you feel it it warranted.  I am just telling you what *I* personally have experienced in my life and hopefully can put some of your fears at ease knowing someone else has had the same or a similar issue.

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

Negative Nancy in the house! Raise the roof!

Yes, I'm still alive!  The last few weeks of tax season are always the busiest and the hardest on me emotionally and regardless of what people like to believe (It's the same way every year you should be used to it) it doesn't make it any easier or less stressful.

It's safe to say that the past year + has been a long roller coaster ride.  I'm at the 7 year mark of "recovery" which is that all too familiar number when people's emotions tend to go all wonky in all aspects of life.  Then there's my brothers death that I told the world I dealt with ok but just really stuffed everything deep down inside (and here I just thought my hips were getting fatter ;) ).  I am having a harder time this past year than I have in the past 7 and I'm allowing it to take over more than I would like.  At least I'm recognizing it faster and am more willing to listen to others telling me I'm being ____ fill in the blank.  I feel so out of control lately and so lost at the same time.  I just don't know what I want, how I feel, or why it has started.  I'm in that funky middle of blah that will last a few weeks then I'll be uplifted and rejuvenated for a few weeks then back down to blah.  Old habits are so easy to come creeping back in and I need to start focusing on combating that.  I simply need to be more grounded.


Negativity is yet another issue that goes hand and hand with anxiety.  People who suffer from anxiety disorders are insanely negative even if they don't think they are.  It's a huge problem that just festers under the skin and boils over all day every day.  Negative thinking is nothing but a bad habit.  Our thinking is automatic to what is bad in life vs. what is good in life.  We find fault in everything around us.  We seem to hate everything with out even knowing it.  We turn our noses up at things and make funny faces at ideas.  We never take time to think of the possibilities because we've already shot it down.  Do I need to go on?


This is one of the symptoms of the disorder that will probably make you lose the most friends.  No one wants to be around someone who is negative all.the.time.  Of course everyone in life has negative thoughts but when you dwell on them and outwardly express them chronically, it doesn't make for a friendly environment for you or anyone around you.  I admit there are several friends I have that I shied away from when I got better simply because all they had to say was something bad.  I also openly admit that there are several people on my FB page that are hidden because of the same thing.  I also know that there are some people reading this right now and thinking "oh crap I bet it's me" haha.  If you have that thought, then maybe it's time to put some positivity in your life...yes?


I've been Negative Nancy lately and after having a long and random chat with my husband at 1 am the other night (due to a panic attack), we've decided that it really needs to stop.  I knew I was being more negative than normal, but when other people are noticing then it's really time to knock it off.  Not for them, always for me.  During our chat, I came to the awful realization that I am at a point in my anxiety journey that has left me wondering who the hell I am.  My husband asked me to focus on things I like and make me happy and quite frankly I couldn't think of anything.  That's pretty sad.  I don't know what I want in life, truly I don't.  I went from being cooped up in my head for years and then locked in my house for an additional seven or so years to breaking free and trying to do everything I missed on all at once.  While I am thankful for being better and getting out and doing things like a "normal" person does, it didn't leave me much time to find who I am.  Now that life is slowing back down a bit I'm really left with "now what?"  It's sad, I guess, that I don't know who I am, what I want, or even what I like.   On top of that, I don't even know how to go about finding those answers.  One thing is for sure, I need to start focusing on the positives in life and go from there.  One cannot find himself by hating the world, that's for damn sure.

So, my first priority is to ground myself.  My second priority is getting out of the house and enjoying my surroundings (Husband's orders) ;)  I am going to accomplish both of those by jumping into something I do actually love (but took me a whole day of thinking about it to have that AH-HA moment) which is gardening.  I can't think of a better way of grounding yourself than becoming one with the dirt and  making things grow from basically nothing.   This also gets me out in the world and back to living in the moment.   I am also going to start carrying around my negative notebook.  Think of it as the Handy Dandy Notebook w/o Blue and her clues.  It was a homework assignment in the program I did and what I had to do was write down every negative thought I had through out the day.  You HAVE to write them down.  Why?  Because believe it or not, unless you are Mr. Rogers, you have more negative thoughts a day than you think, and you won't remember them all.  After doing that for a day or so, then you write down your negative thoughts and then a positive though underneath it.  For example... This client is a complete jackass (negative)  This client isn't out to give me a hard time, they just don't know better (positive).  Pretty soon, you'll find yourself stopping the negative thoughts before you even completely think them and sub them with positives.  You should give it a try and tell me how it goes.  Seriously.  In a month's time I bet thinking positive becomes more automatic than thinking negative.  It's a much better way to live and I'm excited to start and possibly finding out who I am in the process.


Much Love and Light~


Tammy

We are the world...

and their problems are ours! 

Another symptoms, side effect, or whatever you'd like to call it, of an anxiety disorder is emotionally bonding ourselves to everything.  As if we didn't have enough emotional problems of our own, we feel the need to unnecessarily take on other people's problems too.  I'm not quite certain why we feel the need to do this.  Maybe it's because we secretly want to belong so we invite ourselves into everything hoping to fix it and be liked or maybe our brains are tired of our own problems that they try someone else's on for size for a while.  For whatever reason it is, it seems to be automatic and it ensures our brains and our bodies complete exhaustion.

Here are some examples of what I mean:

I'm driving to work and I see someone go right on red when there's a sign clearly stating "no right on red."  Ordinary people would call them an asshat and move on.  Not us!  We make that problem our own by fuming about it.  Re-living the incident in our heads over and over and dreaming of them being caught by the cops or a hundred other scenarios we could possible come up with for the next 20 minutes.  Why should they break the law and get away with it?  *fume, bitch, moan*  The only thing we are accomplishing by this is using unnecessary time and energy on something that has absolutely nothing to do with us.  It starts our adrenaline going, starts other hormones going, gets us riled up for no reason at all and will probably put us in a bad mood for at least an hour.

Friday, at work, I got a phone call from a client stating that he got another letter from the IRS.  I guess he's been getting letters (which my boss is aware of  and working on) about his 2009 tax returns.  He asks to drop it off, I tell him that's fine.  Seconds go by and a friend of his calls (who is also a client) and she tells me more about what is going on and how they are looking to seize his property.  Right now I am already starting to worry about this issue as if it is my own, when it has absolutely nothing to do with me.  My job is the answer the phone, write down the message, make sure my boss gets the letter and said message, and make sure he calls the client back.  THAT'S IT!  But, no, my brain is now all flustered worrying about this poor guy and his situation like it was happening to me.  So now my body has started with the adrenaline and the like as stated above, except instead of being mad, I'm now worried.

We have enough problems in our own lives, we do not need to take on the world's problems.  We know what worry, anger, anxiety, depression, etc. does to us in general, adding to it is just asking for trouble.  WE CANNOT CONTROL AND SOLVE EVERYTHING!  Even though we like to delude ourselves into thinking we can.  Let the appropriate people take care of the problems outside of your space, and you take care of your own problems.  Next time something happens and you start to get those "need to control the situation" feelings, stop yourself and tell yourself "it's their problem not mine!"  I'm not saying you should lack compassion and empathy, just stop taking on these problems as if they were your own.  Help only when it's asked, needed, or warranted.  If neither happens, step away.  If it's something stupid like example #1, step away.  You'll never heal if you continue to beat up your mind and body with needless worry and stress.  Work on solving your own problems before you take on the world.

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

Sabotage

"Sabotage is a deliberate action aimed at weakening another entity through subversion, obstruction, disruption, or destruction." (wikipedia)

That about sums it up.  Not only do we do this to ourselves, but we do this to everyone around us whether we realize it or not.  I was famous for doing this, especially to my husband.  Why?  Because I was in a bad place and he wasn't.  So, if I wasn't going to have fun, why should he?  Anxiety is an extremely selfish disease (I'll talk about that another time, it's on my list) and if you've been suffering for a while, like I did, you are probably really damn good at sabotaging the relationships in your life.

I was a horrible person to be around, I admit that.  Jealousy brought on so many emotions in my head that I wasn't capable of handling.  Those who aren't capable of handling said emotions tend to do what we know best...lash out irrationally.  I was stuck in the house all the time outside of work and rarely going out with my mom or maybe my husband.  I was very envious of those people who could just walk out of the house with the intent of doing something fun.  When people would bring up going somewhere or doing something, I immediately shot it down as dumb.  "Why would you want to do that?  That's stupid."  If they've already done something I would do my best to act as uninterested and unimpressed as I possible could.  It wasn't because I really thought what they did was dumb (or maybe it was, doesn't really matter) but because I was in a place where I couldn't do anything and this would make me feel worse about myself therefore I'm going to try to make the person feel as close to how I'm feeling as possible.  If I feel like shit, then so will you was my attitude.  It's no wonder a lot of us sufferers lose friends.  I wouldn't want to be around someone like the old me either. 

My husband took the brunt of most of my issues simply because we lived together and I was around him most.  If he was going to go out, you bet your sweet bippy I was going to plan a fight, fake an ailment or do a thousand other things in order for him to either 1) stay home or 2) go out and have a bad time.  When he did go out, I would sit up waiting for him getting madder and madder if he wasn't home at a time *I* thought he should be home at.  Then, most often, I would blow up at him again when he got home just to seal the deal guaranteeing a craptastic night for everyone involved.  Sounds like fun, right?  Of course during the height of my anxiety issues, I had no idea I was really doing anything wrong.  My emotions felt real and I thought this was the only way to handle them.  Of course I would feel bad after it, and I wrote my fair share of apology letters, notes, e-mails, etc.  But, like with anyone with a problem, that was short lived and the cycle continued over and over.

Thought you were the only one who did that?  OR Maybe after reading this you realize that you do, in fact, do this?  It's a common issue, don't feel so bad.  More often than not we don't even realize we are doing it.  This negative behavior becomes a habit and it's hard to break.  When you feel yourself starting to feel this way you have to tell yourself to STOP and force yourself to actually think about what your actions are instead of just blowing up and dealing with what just happened later.  More often than not we don't really mean what we say, but we blurt it out anyway in hopes to hurt the other person.  If you take five minutes to stop yourself before you get to that point and look at it from THEIR point of view, you might see things differently and choose your words and attitude better.  It isn't their fault you have an anxiety disorder that keeps you locked away the house or keeps you from social situations.  It's not their fault that going out to dinner makes us anxious because we hate people watching us eat (yep not alone there either).  So why do we feel it's our right to blame them and sabotage their lives?  They have every right to go out, live life, be excited about trying new things, and *gasp* do things with out us.  It's not all about us as much as we like to think it is.  We have to stop acting like children and throwing a tantrum when we don't get our own ways.  It's not an easy feat but it can happen with practice.  Start walking that mile in the other one's shoes, you may be surprised what you see!

Tonight I leave you with the Beasties :)

SABOTAGE!

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

Past, Present, and Future

The past, present, and future can mean a lot of things to a lot of people.  More often than not, you'll see it honored in some way such as the three stone necklaces and rings.  I, myself, have three ladybugs tattooed on my foot to remind me of where I came from, where I am now, and my dreams for the future.  However, this blog post is not about honoring or remembering, this blog post is about how you are living you're life.


The Past
If you are constantly thinking of,  re-playing things in your head, or just generally living life in the past, you are showing depression.  No, I don't mean that looking back on fond memories means you're depressed.  Remember, I am speaking from the perspective of someone with an anxiety disorder.  I am talking about how one little issue can be replayed over and over in our heads along with the million of other scenarios we "should have" done instead.

Raise your hand if you've gotten ready for bed and stayed up for hours re-playing the day and beating yourself up for things you didn't say, should have done, could have done better.   *raises hand*  Instead of moving on we tend to dwell on "issues" that no one even noticed or if they did, they don't care about.  Yet, we will torture ourselves for hours, days, or even weeks and months over something so trivial that no one else even remembers.  This constant scolding we do to ourselves makes us feel bad, worthless, and like we can't do anything right.  Hell, there are times now that an incident will randomly pop up in my head from years ago and I think STILL beat myself up for not doing x, y, and z.  For example, several years ago I was on my way to work and stopped at a red light.  There was a little old lady walking on the sidewalk and she lost her balance.  She didn't fall, but she stumbled a bit.  To this day I beat myself up for not getting out of my car and helping that poor woman and I'm in a far better place than I used to be.  Times that about 1000 for what people in the midst of an anxiety do to themselves daily, if not hourly.  You can't go back and change what once was, that only happens in the movies.  As hard as it is, and I know it's hard, you need to accept the things that have happened and move forward having learned a lesson from it.

The Future
If you are constantly thinking about what ifs, what will bes, and generally living life in the future, you're showing anxiety.  This is where most of us anxiety sufferers live.  Well, I guess that's a beyond obvious statement!  Anticipatory anxiety is a horrendous thing.  Tell us we are about to go somewhere or do something and in 10 minutes time we've already played out the whole thing in our heads about 20 times.  We set ourselves up for failure in our heads before we even leave to go do something.  And what does this do?  Depends on where you are anxiety wise, but in a lot of cases it leads to a panic attack and then forces us to back out which then starts the past paragraph and we get depressed about it.  Either way we are going to feel like we are stuck.  The funny thing about the future and anticipatory anxiety is 99% of the time none of the things we played in our heads ever happen and more often than not, once we warm up to the situation, we end up having a good time.  I don't know why we insist on sabotaging ourselves every.damn.time but we do. 

Here's an example.  The husband says "hey we got invited to this picnic, let's go!"  Instead of saying "yeah ok, sounds like fun" my thought pattern went directly to "I won't know anyone there and no one is going to like me.  What if I have a panic attack there, people will think I'm crazy.  No one is going to talk to me, like my hair, like my make up or my clothes and they'll all be staring at me.  What if I say something stupid and people laugh at me?"  etc, etc, etc.  These thoughts start to scare me which start to release hormones and eventually will make me sick over the whole thing.  By the time I get around to answering my husband, I'm already nauseated, my heart is palpitating, I'm sweating, getting waves of fear and am probably on my way to a panic attack.  Not a whole lot of fun at all.  However, the only way to get past this and get better from this type of behavior is to feel the fear and do it any way.  You may feel awkward at first but trust me you'll be so damn proud of yourself for doing it!

The Present
Ok, let me try this paragraph again.  I typed it all out and blogger deleted it somewhere between me saving it and then posting it. 

At any rate, if you are soaking in the world around you, taking things one day at a time, and generally living life in the present, you are at peace. 

This a great place to be and one that you should be striving for in your anxiety disorder journey.  I'm not saying that every day is going to be kittens and sunshine, but if you can get to a point where the present moments start to out weigh the past and present, you are definitely on track!  A good thing to do is to start focusing on the positives in your day, or better yet purposely make time for them.  Go for a walk, actually go out and smell the roses, watch the clouds go by, play with your kids and pets.  Whatever it is you decide to do, as long as you are in the present moment and forgetting the rest, your mind, body, and soul will thank you for it.

Much Love and Light~

Tammy