WARNING: This blog will follow my thought patterns
which means it’ll be all over the damn place and endlessly long. Read at your own risk ;)
About a month
ago, I got a random text from my staff partner from Relay for Life asking me if
I wanted to go to Dallas for the annual Relay for Life conference. Giving
my generic "but" answer I tend to give when the thought of something
sounds good but makes me anxious “that’s so tempting but funds would not allow
that” to which I was met with “ACS pays for everything.” Well damn, that didn’t work! So I pondered it for a few minutes and
immediately text my friend who lives in Texas “How far are you from
Dallas?” “Like 5-10 min. Mesquite is a suburb of big D.” Hmmmmmm, I thought a little harder. I wanted to go, initially, but I figured if
the conference sucked I’d at least get to meet up with a friend and it would
make the trip a little worth it. So, I
thought for a few more minutes, tried to get some work done, but I couldn’t get
it out of my head. I knew I had to act
fast as there was only one spot left open for volunteers and I didn’t want me
dragging my feet be the reason why I didn’t go. I made my final and most important decision
text to my husband. Told him I had the
opportunity to go but the only problem was it was only a few days after me
getting back from Jersey so he’d have to take the dog the whole time and that I
wouldn’t know anyone there and what his honest thoughts on me going was. He promptly told me to go for it…to go meet
new people and have fun. He always
pushes me to better myself and ensures me I can do things that I convince
myself I can’t… so that’s when I gave my staff partner the final “let’s go for
it” text.
I waited on pins
and needles for the next couple of days because I wouldn’t know if I for sure
was going until those asked before me declined (I’m assuming) and then I should
get an invite email. I tried to not
think about it. I was going with the
theory of if I was meant to go, then I’d go.
If I wasn’t meant to go, then I wouldn’t get the invite.
I got the invite.
Queue the
panic! I got the email on the date of
the deadline and of course the thousands steps I needed to do in order to
confirm my interest, hotel and flights was halted because the website wasn’t
working which made me beyond anxious. Several
emails and texts back and forth with 4 different people for what seems like
forever and I finally got through and was able to choose my classes, my room,
and eventually my flights. I could puke
at the thought.
For anyone who
knows me personally or who has read through my babblings on this page, you
probably know the circle of events that back stroked their way through my
brain. To those of you who are new to
this blog, you’re probably thinking what’s the big deal? Well, to someone with an anxiety disorder
this is a huge deal. Little things are
huge deals. Sometimes walking out the front
door is a huge deal. As someone who was
agoraphobic for years, that last one is a huge accomplishment for me let alone
traveling a thousand miles by myself to stay a weekend in a place I don’t know,
with people I have never met and having a roommate I only know the name
of. Huge deals here!
So, anyway, I
went through a whole mess of emotions. I
was just coming off some other strong emotions as mentioned in my previous blog
so this just heightened things for me.
Bad timing, I guess. I would
yo-yo from being really excited to being really nervous. I even thought about how I could cancel without
making myself look like an ass but that was short lived. I knew I HAD to go. Not because it was already booked and paid
for, but because I knew this was something I had to do. The wait is the worst. Anticipatory anxiety, for me, is worse than panic
attacks sometimes. The whole unknown,
the constant flip flop stomach, the random waves of fear that go from your head
to your toes were all very prominent. I
tried to keep myself busy and not think of it at all, actually. I tried some new oils out to help me which
seemed to work for the most part but there was always that white elephant in
the room…that huge white elephant with a lone star on its side just mocking me,
reminding me what was coming and whispering all of these awful things that were
going to happen. Elephant: “psst…you
know they won’t have your boarding passes right? It’ll be like you never even got your plane
tickets at all.” “Psst…I bet the plane
will crash, wouldn’t that be fun?” “Psst…you
might as well just get used to being alone; no one is going to want to be
friends with you. Pick your place to
hide now and only come out when you need to.”
That elephant needed to STFU is what that elephant needed to do but
unfortunately he didn’t shut it before my mind was half convinced of these
things.
FF>> to the
night before the trip. I was packing…feeling
okay and took a call from a friend asking me how I was doing. He knew I was nervous. He asked about my flights so I told him. “Ummm I hate to tell you this, but you know
that’s a prop plane, right?”
NOOOOOOOOO! OMG I’M GOING TO DIE! WHAT IS THIS WWI? WHO HAS PROP PLANES? Surprisingly I slept
pretty well that night.
I had some nerves
at the airport but not too bad, until I walked down the stairs to the tarmac and
saw the dreaded propellers! OH EM
GEE! You have GOT to be kidding me! It’s a flying coffin. Got settled and was okay until I saw the
props starting to turn…then the shimmy…wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle…not a happy
girl! Take off was weird feeling, I
thought I was going to have to get out and push. “Ladies and gentlemen we will be traveling at
5000 feet…” I had to laugh at that…5k…
and let me tell you it’s much bumpier at 5000 than 34000. Landing is something we don’t discuss. I think my stomach is still back on the plane
BUT I survived and thankfully my next flight was a regular ole normal jet with
nothing to report.
Landing in Dallas…before
we even got out of the airport I could feel the heat. OMG the heat!
I’ve never in my life felt anything like it. Go bake some cookies… stand in front of the
over once it’s at temp and put your face in the hot air. Yeah, THAT’S Dallas!
Anyway, I hid
from other relay people on my trip down but I figured I had to put on my big
girl undies and start mingling now that I was where I was supposed to be and it
was unavoidable. I found a few “purple
people” at the airport and flagged them down to find the shuttle to the
airport. Small talk started, wasn’t too
bad and it was short lived. Once we got
to the hotel, those who I was awkwardly friendly with went their own way and I
was on my own again. Queue the elephant
tapping on my shoulder telling me “I told you so.” So I decided to hurry up to
my room (my roommate hadn’t checked in yet) to drop off my crap and pull myself
together. I stayed maybe 10 minutes…long
enough to pee, unload my bag and put on some Valor for extra strength and I
took a deep breath and decided now was as good a time as any to go down and
register…before I lost my nerve anyway.
And, that’s what I did…I put caution to the wind and went down with a
smile and tried to hide my anxieties and find kind faces to maybe gravitate
towards. I registered and headed to the
relay store and by the time I finished there it was just about time for dinner. Well, I’m hungry so let’s give this a try
(one of my biggest anxiety quirks is eating in front of people. Usually I’d starve before doing it). I found our section and it was pretty empty
so I found a table next to the buffet and got something to eat…by myself. Well, the elephant was there. ;)
Maybe 10 minutes later and a very nice woman asked to sit with me and
about two minutes later another 4 joined and the one joined shortly after
that. It was nice we were sectioned off
by division so even though we all weren’t from the same state, we were close
and it gave us something in common other than relay. I actually sat and chatted with these
friendly people before going to our first meeting, also by division so we were
all going to the same place which was nice.
And that’s how my
weekend started…once I put myself out there and let my guard down most of my
anxieties went away. Everyone and I do
mean EVERYONE was very nice. I think it
was the fact we were all there for a common goal. My general sessions were grouped with those I
was familiarizing myself with from New England so it was nice to see familiar
faces several times a day…faces I felt like I belonged to. My breakout sessions had some people from my
division but mostly not. However, you’d
be proud to know that I did not just sit there like a bump on a log, but I
actually actively participated in all aspects in all of my classes. “This is highly irregular, Dave.” But I
really feel like I got a lot out of the classes. I even…wait for it…got up and danced for
hours during our second dinner/reception/party/doodad…whatever you want to call
it. I know, I almost fainted at the
thought too. By the time Friday night
ended, I was feeling pretty good about myself and so proud of myself for
tackling this like an adult. By the next
morning I didn’t even have to put any oils to go down to go to breakfast. I knew I’d find my familiars who would
welcome me to the table with no questions asked and I did. I even found a buddy who I clicked with so
well we had to friend each other on facebook before we left. I mean, you can’t just lose contact with the
person you accidentally crashed the top fundraisers photo op/awards/gifts
gathering with. ;) My reward for passing this weekend with
flying colors was a lunch out with my Texas girls and wine tasting before
heading home.
So, what did I
learn? A lot! I learned that even though I’m 10+ years past
“recovering” from anxiety, it will always be there and I will always have to
work at it, but that’s okay. I learned
that I can do anything I set my mind to.
I learned that my perceptions of people and situations are usually
incorrect when my mind is infected with anxiety. I learned that you “have” to dance to Madonna. I learned that sniffing Crayola crayons can
drop your blood pressure 10 points. I
learned that I can’t Dougie even if you teach me. I learned that if I just drop my guard even
just a little, great an amazing things can and will happen. I learned that cinnamon is good for you so
eat the ice cream. I learned that no one
on this green earth should be in Texas in August…ever…ever ever ever!
So, I know some
of you are wondering, again, why I share these things. First and foremost I do it because it helps
me tremendously. If you don’t journal in
some way, you should. It allows me to go
back and see the things I’ve over come or how I used to feel and how I’ve grown
or even just to remind myself that yes I’ve felt this way before and
survived. The second reason why I share
these publicly is because it always, in some way, helps someone else out. Anxiety issues are more popular than you
think! We are just really good at hiding
it.
Much love and
light~
Tammy
