I'm seeing the light

Today was a good day.  It's the first day in a probably a month where I didn't feel that general anxious feeling all day long.  In fact, today is the first day I didn't have to tell myself to stop scaring myself...although the day is not over, yet.  I really think I'm over the nasty hump and am on my way down the anxiety hill.  This side of the hill is much nicer with luscious green grass and the most beautiful flowers you've ever seen.  The sky is blue, the clouds are colorful and the temperature is nice and warm.  It's nice to be here.  Before I know it I'll be on that flat meadow where this is view most days.  I can't wait.

Work was pretty boring (as it is this time of year) since most people are away for the holidays.  BUT, I didn't spend my day consumed with fear.  My boss even let me leave at 2:30pm which was nice.  I had some down time at home before I had to head to the gym.  I had a pretty awesome work out and even though I had a mini panic attack during it (I'm always afraid of passing out and when I exercise hard I feel a bit light headed) I finished my training session and felt pretty damn good after it.  Now I'm sitting here trying to decide what to have for dinner.  Why did I tell you all of that?  Because it's the little things that we take for granted.  Normal people go through this routine on a daily basis.  Anxious people spend 24 hours a day worrying about things that feel very real to them, but may not be.  Anxious people don't take down time at work to fiddle around and do nothing, they spend that time looking symptoms up on the Internet.  Anxious people don't pat themselves on the back for feeling the panic attack, recognizing it and then overcoming it...they beat themselves up over it.  99% of what "normal" people do every day on autopilot anxious people don't feel/do.  So, when we are feeling good and can be mindful about what we are doing, that's a huge thing for us.  That is why I include things like that.  It also reminds me that I did well today :)  I'll never forget the first time I went out and pumped my own gas.  I think I had permasmile for a week.  Remember, for those just tuning in, I was agoraphobic.  I could only leave the house by myself to go to work and to my parents house...oh and the Dr. because I'm a hypochondriac after all.  My parents house was my safe place and I had to work so I had to go there.  Everywhere else I went I had to have someone else with me or I wouldn't go and even with someone with me it was a horrific experience for me internally.

But, anyway, that was many years ago and we know that if we are stuck in the past we are depressed, if we are stuck in the future we are anxious but if you are living in the present, we are at peace.

Much love and light~

Tammy

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Piggybacking my last post, I decided to take some time out and truly think about what makes me happy and what I like. I think I mentioned it a few blogs prior, that anxiety sufferers tend to purposely walk off the beaten path. Not necessarily because that is what we truly like (although that could very well be) but because we would rather not like what you like because “it's dumb”, “it sucks”, or any other negative phrase you can think of. It's all part of that Negative Nancy persona coupled with the “I'm going to shoot you down hoping to make you as miserable as me” attitude. Sometimes, we stay on this road so long that we start to believe that we really don't like x, y, and z. Granted, I'm sure there are a lot of mainstream things that each and every one of us doesn't like. I can name ten right off the bat, but when you don't like anything, that's when there's a problem.

I'm going to peruse my brain and list some things I do like and make me happy. As I said on Friday, I need to start focusing on the positives in life and not the negatives. We all know I could write a 20 page paper on things I don't like, but it's not about that. It is time to remind myself what I do like. This is a great exercise for all of us to do, actually. Not only does it remind you of what you love, but it helps break out of that fear we all hold on to so tightly. You know what fear I'm talking about? The one that jumps in front of our vocal chords when we try to admit we feel a certain way. The one that stops us from admitting most anything because “what if they don't like it”, “what will they say” ,“how will they react”, “will they think less of me now”, etc. BUT this is a whole other issue I'll get to at some point.

So, aside from my family (most of them anyway), my friends, and my husband (because obviously I love them otherwise why would they be in my life?), here's my list:

1. Music. I LOVE music! I grew up in a musical house hold in one form or another. My mom and sister were/are in drum corps, my dad taught me the oldies by always having them on. Mom also brainwashed me with Abba as a young child ;) I, myself, played flute/piccolo and was a proud Band Geek most of my school days. Music just speaks to me on so many levels. It's a great comfort to me no matter how I am feeling. Music has just always spoke to me, in fact I have many song lyrics in my journal while I was going through the program.
2. The Beatles. Yes, that's music, but if you don't know me much, I'm pretty obsessed with them. They just put so much emotion in their music. I cannot WAIT to see Abbey Road in 2013!
3. Traveling. Since I spent so much time locked away in my self constructed prison, now that I'm able to get out, I LOVE doing it! I've seen more places in the past 7 years that I have in my entire life. In the next two years I have Jersey, Vegas, NYC, London, Paris, and St. Lucia on the list.
4. Gardening. This I already talked about. I find it very relaxing.
5. Wine and Wine Tasting. I went to Cali just a few short years ago to do it with some new friends for the first time, and I've been hooked ever since!
6. Water falls/ocean waves. I just love the sound of water (unless I have to pee!). I could stare at a water fall or sit on a beach just listening to the waves all day long. Completely relaxing.
7. Campfires. There's no better smell in the entire world, to me, than wood burning. My favorite part of Spring/Summer is inviting myself over to other people's campfires. Yes, you read that right, we don't have the room here to burn. I can lose myself just staring into the flames. Not to mention s'mores! Mmmm!
8. Animals. With the exception of the two I'm afraid of, a sure fire way to get me to smile is to plop and animal in front of me. Aquariums and Zoos? Yes please! I loved being an animal handler at the CT Humane Society as well. It gave me a whole other point of view and I'm grateful I had the opportunity to volunteer there for a few years.
9. Food/drink. No, really...fatty likes to eat! A great meal or one of my favorite drinks can change my mood and seriously make me one happy girl. Hungry Tammy = Bitchy Tammy. Cherry Limeades, Sweet tea, crab cakes, potato salad, guacamole, peas, goat cheese, mussels, s'mores, and hot chocolate are some of my all time faves.
10. My Papason chair. Seriously my favorite place in the entire house to sit. I always wanted one and last year my neighbor decided she didn't want hers so I snagged it. It is also my blogging chair and my dip idea chair.
11. RuPaul. I look forward to Mondays because a know a new Drag Race will be on. He's got a great sense of humor, has the best laugh ever, and has done so much for the LGBT community. His general outlook on life is very inspirational.
12. Orange. LOVE the color orange. Just finding something in a store in that color makes me excited and happy. Not too many things come in orange.
13. Getting out and trying new things. I may be reluctant at some things but I do really enjoy trying and experiencing new things.

I think I will end it here. I'm so glad that I could sit in my super comfy blogging chair and come up with these things that make me happy and what I really like. When I was talking with my husband earlier this week and then blogging on Friday, it really made me sad to think that I didn't feel like anything made me happy. I knew that wasn't necessarily true, but to not be able to come up with at least ONE thing right away really got me down. I also felt that if I had to mull over it for days at a time then, did that “thing” really make me happy? Probably not.

Here's to all of us finding what makes us happy in life!

Much Love and Light~

Tammy