I'm seeing the light

Today was a good day.  It's the first day in a probably a month where I didn't feel that general anxious feeling all day long.  In fact, today is the first day I didn't have to tell myself to stop scaring myself...although the day is not over, yet.  I really think I'm over the nasty hump and am on my way down the anxiety hill.  This side of the hill is much nicer with luscious green grass and the most beautiful flowers you've ever seen.  The sky is blue, the clouds are colorful and the temperature is nice and warm.  It's nice to be here.  Before I know it I'll be on that flat meadow where this is view most days.  I can't wait.

Work was pretty boring (as it is this time of year) since most people are away for the holidays.  BUT, I didn't spend my day consumed with fear.  My boss even let me leave at 2:30pm which was nice.  I had some down time at home before I had to head to the gym.  I had a pretty awesome work out and even though I had a mini panic attack during it (I'm always afraid of passing out and when I exercise hard I feel a bit light headed) I finished my training session and felt pretty damn good after it.  Now I'm sitting here trying to decide what to have for dinner.  Why did I tell you all of that?  Because it's the little things that we take for granted.  Normal people go through this routine on a daily basis.  Anxious people spend 24 hours a day worrying about things that feel very real to them, but may not be.  Anxious people don't take down time at work to fiddle around and do nothing, they spend that time looking symptoms up on the Internet.  Anxious people don't pat themselves on the back for feeling the panic attack, recognizing it and then overcoming it...they beat themselves up over it.  99% of what "normal" people do every day on autopilot anxious people don't feel/do.  So, when we are feeling good and can be mindful about what we are doing, that's a huge thing for us.  That is why I include things like that.  It also reminds me that I did well today :)  I'll never forget the first time I went out and pumped my own gas.  I think I had permasmile for a week.  Remember, for those just tuning in, I was agoraphobic.  I could only leave the house by myself to go to work and to my parents house...oh and the Dr. because I'm a hypochondriac after all.  My parents house was my safe place and I had to work so I had to go there.  Everywhere else I went I had to have someone else with me or I wouldn't go and even with someone with me it was a horrific experience for me internally.

But, anyway, that was many years ago and we know that if we are stuck in the past we are depressed, if we are stuck in the future we are anxious but if you are living in the present, we are at peace.

Much love and light~

Tammy

It's been a rough couple of weeks

The second leg of this anxiety journey has proven to be a harder one than I ever imagined.  I feel so frustrated and conflicted in a way I've never felt before.  I think it's because I know how I was but I also know what it's like to be free from anxiety so I'm constantly fighting with myself.  I feel like a dog that keeps chasing his tail.

It's clear that this time around I have far more depression than I did the first time around.  Last time I was so anxious and agoraphobic that I completely isolated myself in my house as well as within my own brain.  I was depressed, sure, as anxiety and depression go hand and hand, but I was far too anxiety ridden to even care about it.  I was plagued with limitations, irrational fears, scary thoughts, panic attacks and anything else you can think of so feeling down didn't really bother me too much.  This time I don't have the limitations I did, before.  I still get panic attacks but they are far and few between and I know exactly what they are and how to handle them.  I still have irrational fears, but I work on those so now it seems like all I feel is depressed, bummed out, moody, and angry.  I'm angry because I feel like I can't just snap out of it.  I realize I have deeper issues with the loss of my brother, with the loss of smokey, but in a way I think I'm mourning myself most of all.  I know this disorder is a life long illness.  Much like an alcoholic or a drug addict, I have a bad habit that is bad for my health.  It sucks me in at times and I have to fight my way to get out of it.  And, much like someone with this kind of addiction, it's so disappointing when a set back jumps up and wiggles in our faces.  I've been focusing so much on the negative and putting blinders on to the big picture.  My biggest fear at this point is that I'm not giving my "all" to the program like I did nine years ago (yeah I thought it was seven, but it's nine).  This has to stop right now.

Yesterday I had a long chat with my wonderful husband.  He described this set back in a way that I could understand.  I'm a very visual person so I usually need to have things spelled out, drawn out, or painted for me in order to understand.  He asked me to imagine my disorder like a wall I painted.  When it dried, I notice a few spots I missed.  I wouldn't go and re-paint the entire wall, I'd re-paint the spots I missed.  That made so much sense to me in terms of the program.  I'm listening to the entire thing (which you have to) but I'm going through parts I already painted and essentially healed.  It's going to be harder to pick out and utilize the parts I missed the first time and need right now.  It doesn't mean that I'm half assing the program, it simply means I'm not needing to re-paint these parts of the wall but it's great to refresh the area to make sure I got it all.  BUT, at the same time, I can't go into it thinking "I don't need to listen to this, I know it already" because I may tune out to that one important part that I need to give me that "ah ha" moment of healing.

I was contemplating starting over again and being more in tuned to the program, but Justin said that I shouldn't based on the above.  I think I will back step a lesson or two and really work on the ones I need at this point.  The angry lesson in particular.  I have to get back to a place where I'm not a reactionary person.  I need to put that filter back up because it doesn't make me feel good to be so angry and bothered, just as it doesn't make the person feel good I'm lashing out on.  I also need to start blogging more.  Getting my feelings out really helps, and I don't know why I stopped it.  I don't even journal in private so I'm bottling things up.  Never a good thing with an anxious mind. 

Bottom line is I just have to get up and do it.  I know how I'm feeling, and I know that I don't like it so I need to stop poo pooing about it and change it.  Will all my days be happy from now on?  Yeah right!  Not even close, but this is what we call life.  If we were happy all the time we wouldn't appreciate it as much.

I'll be away this weekend for a wedding, but I am hoping to start up my weekly Friday blog like I was doing over the winter.  Now that it's getting cooler and darker out sooner and I am no longer painting my house...I think I will have the time to do it.  I have to MAKE the time to do it.

Thanks for listening to me babble.

Much Love and Light
~Tammy

Symptoms

As I mentioned previously, I spent most of my life battling an anxiety disorder.  However, it wasn't until about seven years ago did I know what it was that I had.  Unfortunately, I found out when I hit rock bottom, on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  Up until then, I always thought my feelings were the same as everyone else's and that I was just simply stressed.  Little did I know that it was much much more.  I guess that's how denial works.

So how bad did I have it?  To me?  Pretty bad.  However, I think the only two people who knew how bad I was was my husband, then boyfriend, and myself.  We may be falling a part on the inside, but us anxiety disorder sufferers can act with the best of them.  We can convince people we are perfectly fine.  We can also manipulate anyone.  Yes, I said it and if you suffer with it, don't try to deny it.  We can make anyone do anything we want them to.  It's not malicious in intent, it's because we are so damn fearful of doing things on our own we develop this "skill" to work things JUST right so that someone else will either 1) do it for us or 2) say we don't need to do it at all or 3) at least go with us so we have a crutch.  We can also make up any lie on the fly to get out of anything in the world and we are pretty damn convincing at it too!  Unless said person trying to tell said lies to someone who has done it themselves.  Yes, I know you're lying but I also know you can't help it so it gets over looked.  It's like trying to convince a recovered alcoholic that you are not an alcoholic.  Been there, done that, nice try.

So, back to symptoms.  My biggest symptom was being agoraphobic. 

ag·o·ra·pho·bi·a [ag-er-uh-foh-bee-uh]

noun Psychiatry .

an abnormal fear of being in crowds, public places, or open areas, sometimes accompanied by anxiety attacks.

Basically I was home bound 90% of the time.  I could manage to get up and go to work every day because I knew I had to and that there was no way around it.  But outside of going to work and back home and the millions of Dr. visits, I couldn't go anywhere by myself.  I couldn't go to the store, pump my own gas, go to parties, etc.  If I had to do any of those things, I would plan it so that someone was with me or that someone would do it for me (as stated above).  Mom would go grocery shopping with me and I always planned my gas trips to when I knew Justin would want to go somewhere and then I would suggest we take my car and get gas on the way.  I was down right TERRIFIED to do these things on my own.  I thought the whole world was staring at me all.the.time.  Like I was so darn special that everyone wanted to look at me, right? ;)  Regardless, that was in my head and what if I did something wrong?  What if I had a question?  I wouldn't talk to anyone and I assumed everyone was making fun of me for being insecure and not knowing things.  I'd rather just stay home.  

With all this added stress to my system (self inflicting as all anxiety is), I had a whole slew of physical symptoms.  I was in pain from something all.the.damn.time.  Headaches, migraines, vision issues, chest pains, muscle pains, jaw pain (TMJ), ears ringing, heart palpitations, twitching, talking funny, stiff neck, back issues, bowel issues (IBS), acne, walking issues, tingling hands, insomnia, stomach pains, nausea, nerve issues, feeling of unreality, panic attacks, hives, an extreme fear of death, I legitimately thought I was going crazy, leg pain, and because I was compromising my immune system with all of this added stress I was always sick (stomach illnesses, colds, flu, allergies, etc.) and I was extremely angry, depressed, and jealous at all times.  At the time I thought I was angry at everyone else.  In reality, I was angry at myself.  I'll get into that at another time because it needs an entire post. 

Who would have thought that all of that would be caused from anxiety?  I sure as hell didn't.  Our brains are far  more powerful than we give ourselves credit for.  If we get an idea in our head we can manifest it no problem.  I don't know how many symptoms I simply talked myself into.  I would obsess over a minor ache so much that it became a big deal.  I eventually figured this one out with the help of the CBT program I did (because they told me so) but personally saw it when I noticed that if I got into a movie or playing on the computer my symptoms would magically disappear.  Once I thought in my head "hey that pain is gone" it magically appeared again.  Just call me Criss Angel with out the weird moves and black clothing.

My second biggest issue was being a Hypochondriac. 

hy·po·chon·dri·ac [hahy-puh-kon-dree-ak]

adjective

1. Also, hy·po·chon·dri·a·cal  [hahy-poh-kuhn-drahy-uh-kuhl] Show IPA. Psychiatry .

a. pertaining to or suffering from hypochondria,  an excessive preoccupation with and worry about one's health: The comedy is aimed the hypochondriac demographic.

b. produced by hypochondria: Hypochondriac feelings overwhelmed her.

2. Anatomy, Zoology . of or pertaining to the hypochondrium.

noun

3. Psychiatry . a person suffering from or subject to hypochondria.

4. a person who worries or talks excessively about his or her health.

Not only did I have all of those symptoms listed above, but I convinced myself they weren't just symptoms of anxiety (again I didn't know at the time) but that I was dying from EVERYTHING!  Web MD was my BFF for many many years and I could convince myself that all of these scary diseases were what I had.  On the flip side, I was afraid to go to the ER so I never went because the thought of going would put me into a panic attack.  If things lasted a while, I'd go see my GP and usually for the same things over and over again.  If I had a pain in my head it was a brain tumor, pain in my right abdomen was always appendicitis (I still have my appendix BTW so yeah, that wasn't it).  I've had brain cancer, throat cancer, mouth cancer, stomach cancer, blood clots, aneurysms, strokes, heart attacks, MS, Parkinson's,  and a whole slew of other diseases you probably never heard of.  *NEVER GOOGLE SYMPTOMS* because it tends to give you the most horrendous diseases first and rarely ever says "hey asshole, ever think it's all in your head?  Calm down, and it'll go away"  Of course I wouldn't have believed that then anyway.  

I didn't type all that out to give you a oh woe is me picture of my life.  I own most of my disease.  I know that I ALONE caused my anxiety to get out of control.  I can't blame anyone else although I did at the time.  It's far easier to blame the world than to take credit for it yourself.  What I hope by typing all of that out is that someone out there reads this and get the whole "AH-HA!" I eventually had which started me down the road of recovery.  When I was watching that infomercial for the program I used (I'll get into that later) and I heard people who were exactly describing me...describing a lot of what I listed, I literally busted out into tears.  Holy Shit!  THAT IS ME!  I'm not crazy and I'M NOT ALONE!  I'm telling you right now if you have had any of those symptoms or any of those feelings you are most definitely not alone!  Millions of people have suffered the same as you, and I assure you that you aren't crazy.

So now that I got all of that out, like I said I hid it from most everyone, I can now move my pawn ahead 4 spaces on the candy lane path of a new chapter of recovery.

Much love and light~

Tammy