Scary Thoughts Revisited...Suicide

I feel the need to go back to one of my previous posts and explain myself better.  In my Scary Thoughts post, I did some detailing about what they are and I gave an example of one of the ones I've had in the past.  To recap, one of my scary thoughts (which is common among anxiety sufferers) was badly hurting myself like randomly slicing my wrists while shaving in the tub.  I went on to say that this is only a scary thought and that it is silly because I'd never actually do that since a big fear for me (and many sufferers) is death.  I also went on to say that just because you've had a thought like this doesn't mean you are suicidal.

Here is where I would like to start back up the conversation because looking back I felt like I was downsizing the issue.  If you are having these thoughts mentioned above, whether it be cutting, hanging, jumping, pills or any other form of suicide and these thoughts are NOT scary to you and ARE comforting to you, PLEASE go get help.  There is a difference between having suicidal scary thoughts and being suicidal.  If the thoughts scare you, it's simply a scary thought.  If these thoughts don't scare you, seem like a good idea, bring comfort or peace to you, then you are on your way or are already in crisis.  If this is you, please call 1-800-273-TALK (8225) right now.  There is hope and help here for you and you're life IS worth living.

My brother committed suicide 1 year 1 month 11 days ago.  There's not one day that goes by that I don't think of him or miss him.  There are days where I hated him (especially in the beginning) and I hated myself for feeling that way.  Suicide may feel like a solution to you, but it just becomes and problem and heart ache to everyone who loves you.  I wanted to ring my brother's neck when I heard the news.  I didn't and probably never will understand why.   First and foremost how could he have done this to his kids especially since both of his biological parents also committed suicide.  He knew first hand how shitty that feels.  And, yeah, I know the statistics weren't on his side since both parents went that way, it didn't make my anger or disappointment any less.  Not only did his death leave broken hearts and emptiness but the not knowing why made it 100 times worse.  To me, it felt like if I could get some sort of explanation, that would make it better.  Unfortunately we'll never get that.  He didn't even leave a note.  To this day I still feel like it may have made me feel better if he left one as silly as that sounds.

And then, there's the guilt.  I think my mom felt it more than any of us and I'm sure my dad just kept it to himself.   "What could I have done differently...."  Unfortunately, the answer is nothing.  More often than not this blind sides the family and friends because the person in crisis is consumed and embarrassed by such feelings because of the social stigma behind it and unfortunately that causes them to hide and not seek help.  It's a vicious cycle that I would love to see changed.  The world needs to stop seeing this as an embarrassing issue and start seeing it as an illness that needs attention like any other illness out there.  Millions of people have these thoughts and feelings, that alone should prove that these people are not alone and that there is nothing to hang their head in shame over.  Society would never allow a person with cancer to feel bad about their disease so why should a mental illness be treated any less?  We also need to start treating the disease instead of just shoving random pills down these poor people's throats.  I can't even tell you how many pills my brother was on.  Why can't therapy be prescribed more often?  I'm not saying that medications should not be used nor am I saying that it was the medication's fault, but if every time a person comes in with a new symptom a new pill is prescribed, how is that fixing the root issues? 

Sorry for the tangent.  Bottom line, short story long, I didn't want people to think I was simply minimizing the issue of suicide with my last post.  I was simply talking about scary thoughts and not suicide in general.  Again, if those thoughts feel good to you, please call the above number.  They will never judge you, they just want to give you help you need.

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

Did I just think that?

One of the symptoms I frequently got and still get from time to time is a little skeleton most of us keep in our closet called Scary Thoughts.  Seems like an every day term to someone who hasn't been there.  I mean, it seems like a pretty benign term just hanging out here on my blog.  However, a scary thought just isn't an "oh crap I think I left the iron on at home" kind of thought.  A Scary Thought to an anxiety sufferer is more like "What if I took this knife and just stabbed my leg with it" or "What if I purposely drown my kid in the tub tonight" kind of thought.  The thought itself seems disturbing enough but then we get that wave of fear which starts the analytical wheels turning in our heads and make this random, horrible thought into, in most cases, a full blown panic attack.  While most people would probably not get a thought like that and if they did would simply say to themselves "well that's just silly" and move on we start ourselves down a shame spiral that is striped with fear.  Here's an example:

I'm sitting at home watching TV.  My anxiety level is probably a 2 or 3 since I'm home and I'm fixated on a TV show.  <enter scary thought, stage left>  "What if while I'm shaving tonight I press down so  hard that I shave a piece of skin right off"  or better yet "what if while I'm shaving I just casually cut my wrists."  Said scary thought stops me dead in my tracks and I am no longer focusing on the TV and on the thought I just had.  My anxiety is now about a 4.  My next thoughts go something like this, in rapid succession:  "Why did I just think that?  How could I think that?  Am I crazy? I must be crazy who has thoughts like these?  Do schizos think like this?  That must be it, I'm a schizo! (anxiety is probably a 6 or 7) Holy crap I'm schizo!  Oh no...my heart is palpitating again.  I knew it wasn't temporary, it must be some sort of heart disease.  (anxiety is at 8 or 9)  Great now I'm a schizo with a heart problem.  Ow, it hurts!  OMG IT'S A HEART ATTACK  (Anxiety is at a 10 now full on panic attack) What was a normal pulse again?  *checks wrist, checks neck, back to wrist for pulse points and feverishly counts over and over*  I can't go to the hospital they'll really know I'm nuts.  I can't call 911 that's so embarrassing!  Justin would hate me if I make him take me.  <enter cat doing something dumb stage right>  I get distracted with the cat, my anxiety comes down, I forget about the whole thing and I live another day!

Is that over embellished?  Unfortunately, no.  Did I really have those scary thoughts?  Unfortunately, yes.  And, yet, I'm still here to tell you all about it.

Having scary thoughts is more common than you think.  As much as I hate to have you guys use the good ole anxiety producing google...do it.  Just google "scary thoughts" and what comes up?  Tons of pages of Scary thoughts and Anxiety or PP depression.  IT'S COMMON!  You aren't a freak of nature.  At one time or another we've all gotten them.  THEY ARE JUST THOUGHTS nothing more and you need to remind yourself of that.  Our brains are on mach 10 24 hours a day with a million thoughts.   Unfortunately most of them are negative thoughts and a good amount are scary.  But, as I said yesterday, you choose how to react to everything that comes and goes in your life.  You can choose to ignore it or acknowledge it and give it no power.  "Yeah I heard you, but that's a silly thought and it will never happen"  then move on to something else.

Now is a good time to share with you one of my favorite definitions of the word fear.  FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real  Think about it...I had a scary thought that I was going to slice myself or cut my wrists.  I bet I'm not the only one who thought of a "suicidal" thought.  Does that make me suicidal?  No, it doesn't.  Why?  Because I, like most of the anxiety sufferers out there, are TERRIFIED of death!  Why would I do something I'm terrified of?  Why would you?  Think of your scary thoughts right now.  Would you actually hurt your kids?  Hurt your husband?  Drive your car into a ditch?  No, of course not.  And why?  Because those things are things we are afraid of...dying, losing your kids, losing your husband, etc.  We are magically manifesting things again in our hyperactive brains except instead of manifesting aches and pains, we are now manifesting our fears.  It's sort of like one of my favorite movies Sphere.  If you've seen it, you know what I mean.  If you haven't, go rent it...it's a good flick.

So let's say it together... "You are only a scary thought.  It's silly and I will never do such a thing.  I give you no power."  Don't be afraid to stand your ground against yourself.  Say it out loud and like you mean it.  Give those scary thoughts the big middle finger! :)

Much Love and Light~

Tammy