Back to school anxiety

As I see so many people post their kids' back to school pictures with all of their happy, smiling faces, it brings me back to my school days.  I'm sure, when I was little, I also had a happy smiling face.  BUT, I don't remember that.  I was just too young.  What I do remember is the flood of anxiety that hit me weeks prior that just got worse as that dreaded first day got closer and closer.  I'd get random waves of fear that would hit me at the top of the head and shoot down to my stomach.  The closer the day got, the more it happened.  I was already playing scenarios in my head of what will happen.  Much like how my later years were and even a lot of times now, my head was consumed with scary thoughts of the unknown.  My brain doesn't do unknown because it will fill it with the most horrible things (that generally never happen).

I tend to think I was an overly sensitive (and still am) child.  As I've stated in my previous post (maybe the one before last) You can compliment me and my brain will turn that around in my head to something negative.  As a very young child, I grew a rather large mole on my face and curiosity from other kids made me self conscious about it.  Their curiosity was normal, I turned that into being picked on in my head.  Years later, that curiosity actually turned into being picked on... a lot.  Add that in with all my other anxieties and school was the pits.  Yes, I had my friends, but the act of me getting up to go was excruciating.  The nightmares the night before, the stomach aches, the dry heaving then the worrying about throwing up in front of people at school cycled back into myself and I'm pretty sure I was having mini panic attacks on the regular but I kept a lot of that internalized.  Once I was there, I was okay, from what I remember but I clung to teachers and the like because I thought if I did that they'd protect me from the teasing which did nothing but segregate me more and make it harder for me to fit in.  Like I said, I did have a core group of friends but we were rarely in the same class and I would just hope we'd have recess together.   I never did all the things I had an interest in because of the fear surrounding it.  I wanted to play soccer, I wouldn't try out.  Chorus sounded like fun, wouldn't try out.  The only thing I did was band and that was because my best friend at the time did it as well so I figured we'd at least get to see each other at some point.  These anxieties got worse as I got older and the teasing got worse because kids are mean.   The mole teasing was still there but as I got into middles school, I was then teased for not having a boyfriend which eventually turned into being teased for not having sex.  Yes, you read that right...middle school.  There was a group of catty bitches who just loved to see me walk by and start their antics.  Now that I look back at it years later, I know they were just highly insecure with themselves so they picked on the ones who wouldn't say anything back to them and that just happened to be me.  I remember my mom telling me, at one point, to just agree with what they say then they wouldn't have anything to go on.  So, I did.  I remember vividly being at a school dance and the teasing started...they were saying I was so ugly I had to have sex with frozen hot dogs (yes still in middle school) to which I told them that no, I didn't like how cold they were and preferred them to be hot instead.  It actually worked.  They had nothing to say to that.

School anxiety followed me all the way up through college.  My high school anxieties were fear of being alone and/or embarrassing myself and lunch was a HUGE panic issue for me.  I had a hard enough time eating in front of people I knew (also anxiety related) let alone strangers.  If I didn't see anyone I knew well, I'd hide in the bathroom until the bell rang.  Ugh, even thinking about it now knots my stomach.  You know, to this day...at 37...I STILL have school nightmares.  Not remembering my locker combinations, forgetting where my classes are, and being stuck at lunch with no one.  Horrible!

As I look back, it's amazing to me how much I purposely put memories aside and chose to forget them.  I see why, but as I was thinking about this over the past few days with all the kids going back to school, I had memories fly back that I completely forgot about.  I do this a lot with a lot of my anxiety issues.  I asked my husband last night if I was really that bad.  He confirmed that with a big fat "worse".  I asked him how so and he told me because my anxieties never left...ever.  I was anxious from the time I got up to the time I went to bed (which I didn't sleep).  There was no wavering with moods with me, they were always foul.  Of course, back then, I had absolutely no idea there was anything wrong.  I genuinely assumed this was life and everyone felt like this.  All of these anxiety blogs and memories and conclusions are ones I made in the present time because I couldn't recognize an issue.  Looking back, after getting out of most of my anxiety issues, is when it started to dawn on me that things weren't right from quite some time.  To be honest, I don't ever remember a time where I didn't have some sort of anxiety issues.  It's sad, really...but in a way not.  I'm a firm believer everything happens for a reason and my past struggles made me who I am right now.  I still have a LOT of growing to do and my chat with my husband last night really made me feel good about how far I've actually come.  Even despite my little boo-hoo moment yesterday.  I don't like to re-hash things because it's the past and especially for him because I put him through the wringer on a daily basis, but I can also learn from how I was and it helps to have someone else point out things even if they hurt.  I'm so thankful the universe aligned and had me and him log in to the same BBS at the same time which got us talking because I really think that if he wasn't in my life, I would be no better than I was 10+ years ago.  Do I have my moments?  Sure...and they scare the both of us.  BUT, I also think that fear is what drives me (which sounds super odd coming from someone with an anxiety disorder who just said fear was bad)...but I don't ever want to go back there.  He certainly doesn't want to do that shit all over again...so it gives me a push in the right direction.

As usually, I started on one subject and kind of morphed into another but I just felt like I needed to get that off my chest and out there.

Much love and light~

~Tammy

Lesson 2

As I stated in my last blog I had...well, have...mixed emotions starting the program again.  I, however, didn't bet on having such a hard time with it.  I feel like I did seven years ago with out the limitations I had.  I feel happy, then angry, then lost and anything else you can find in between.  I'm having doubts even though I know the program works.  Regardless of my feelings at the moment, I'm living proof it works.  I had to ask my husband if I was a complete yo-yo when I started last time.  He assured me I was.  And, by yo-yo I mean having emotional highs and lows not being a doofus, although I'm good at that too.

I'm on lesson 3 now, but I wanted to re-cap lesson 2.

I'm sure I spoke about panic attacks before and I'm sure I'll talk about them again.   It's important to know that EVERYONE has had a panic or anxiety attack at some time in their lives whether they have an anxiety disorder or not.  It is also important to know that YOU CAUSE THIS!  The Fight or Flight system that our complicated bodies have is a magnificent thing.  It's great when we truly need it when in a life or death situation or something else of that magnitude.  However, we tend to over use and abuse this power we have.  We lie to ourselves so intensely and consistently that we believe what we are thinking is real and it starts the cycle.  Our bodies are duped into thinking there is an actual crisis and it starts dumping hormones into our important organs causing them to engorge, pump, and react faster than ever before.  Adrenaline starts pouring into our blood stream which boosts our energy level a million times over so that if we do need to flee, we have the resources to do so.  The problem is, we are sitting at our desk thinking about a tiny twinge in our foot that must now be cancer.  Because we've scared ourselves over a complete lie, our bodies are now high strung and on edge.  BUT, we aren't doing anything to burn it off because there is no danger in reality, just in our highly imaginative minds.  This leads us to forget about what caused the panic cycle to begin with and now we are focused on the body symptoms that come along with the Fight or Flight response.  "My heart is beating fast, I'm going to have a heart attack."  "My head is spinning, I'm going to faint."  "My breathing is short, what if it stops?"  Etc., etc., etc.

Panic attacks are no fun and I wouldn't wish them upon my worst enemy.  They scare the life out of us, get us all worked up for what seems like forever but only lasts maybe 20 minutes and then exhausts us into depression.  The good news is no one has ever died of a panic attack, they don't last forever, and you do have the power to control and eventually eliminate them.  Body symptoms are completely normal.  Once you learn to float with the feelings and not be so afraid of them, the panic attacks will start to lessen.  Talk to yourself to remind yourself that "of course my heart is pounding, I scared myself."  "Of course I'm dizzy, I'm having a panic attack and it will pass."  Stop shadow boxing your scary thoughts, you won't win.  Turn away and give them no power.

They key to getting rid of panic attacks is accepting the fact that you have them and you can either make it better or make it worse simply by how you think.  Once you have a external stressor (I think I made that word up) keep it there.  If you start to get body symptoms because you are entering a panic attack recognize that it's just anxiety and accept that it's perfectly normal to feel this way.  Be kind to yourself and tell yourself it's okay to feel this way.  Make sure you remember to breath (circle breathing or 2/4 breathing) is best which is breathing through your nose for 2 seconds, and then out of your mouth for 4 seconds...TRUE seconds, this isn't a race.  Make sure you be as positive and kind to yourself as you can.  If it's still not eliminating your symptoms then get up and do something.  Help burn that energy off.  Clean the house, go for a walk, play with your kids, etc.  Don't forget to laugh at yourself.  Humor, although panic attacks are not a funny thing especially in the beginning, is a great way to counteract anxious/negative feelings.  It's like anxiety's kryptonite.

I promise the more your practice this the better it gets.  Sometimes I couple humor into the beginning of a panic attack.  "Oh, it's YOU again, huh?  Well c'mon show me what you got!  You wanna go?"  It's OKAY to be silly with it.  That probably helps me most often, but it didn't at the beginning so if that doesn't work for you, figure out what does.  YOU ARE IN CONTROL!  And, you can do this!

Much Love and Light

~Tammy

Did I just think that?

One of the symptoms I frequently got and still get from time to time is a little skeleton most of us keep in our closet called Scary Thoughts.  Seems like an every day term to someone who hasn't been there.  I mean, it seems like a pretty benign term just hanging out here on my blog.  However, a scary thought just isn't an "oh crap I think I left the iron on at home" kind of thought.  A Scary Thought to an anxiety sufferer is more like "What if I took this knife and just stabbed my leg with it" or "What if I purposely drown my kid in the tub tonight" kind of thought.  The thought itself seems disturbing enough but then we get that wave of fear which starts the analytical wheels turning in our heads and make this random, horrible thought into, in most cases, a full blown panic attack.  While most people would probably not get a thought like that and if they did would simply say to themselves "well that's just silly" and move on we start ourselves down a shame spiral that is striped with fear.  Here's an example:

I'm sitting at home watching TV.  My anxiety level is probably a 2 or 3 since I'm home and I'm fixated on a TV show.  <enter scary thought, stage left>  "What if while I'm shaving tonight I press down so  hard that I shave a piece of skin right off"  or better yet "what if while I'm shaving I just casually cut my wrists."  Said scary thought stops me dead in my tracks and I am no longer focusing on the TV and on the thought I just had.  My anxiety is now about a 4.  My next thoughts go something like this, in rapid succession:  "Why did I just think that?  How could I think that?  Am I crazy? I must be crazy who has thoughts like these?  Do schizos think like this?  That must be it, I'm a schizo! (anxiety is probably a 6 or 7) Holy crap I'm schizo!  Oh no...my heart is palpitating again.  I knew it wasn't temporary, it must be some sort of heart disease.  (anxiety is at 8 or 9)  Great now I'm a schizo with a heart problem.  Ow, it hurts!  OMG IT'S A HEART ATTACK  (Anxiety is at a 10 now full on panic attack) What was a normal pulse again?  *checks wrist, checks neck, back to wrist for pulse points and feverishly counts over and over*  I can't go to the hospital they'll really know I'm nuts.  I can't call 911 that's so embarrassing!  Justin would hate me if I make him take me.  <enter cat doing something dumb stage right>  I get distracted with the cat, my anxiety comes down, I forget about the whole thing and I live another day!

Is that over embellished?  Unfortunately, no.  Did I really have those scary thoughts?  Unfortunately, yes.  And, yet, I'm still here to tell you all about it.

Having scary thoughts is more common than you think.  As much as I hate to have you guys use the good ole anxiety producing google...do it.  Just google "scary thoughts" and what comes up?  Tons of pages of Scary thoughts and Anxiety or PP depression.  IT'S COMMON!  You aren't a freak of nature.  At one time or another we've all gotten them.  THEY ARE JUST THOUGHTS nothing more and you need to remind yourself of that.  Our brains are on mach 10 24 hours a day with a million thoughts.   Unfortunately most of them are negative thoughts and a good amount are scary.  But, as I said yesterday, you choose how to react to everything that comes and goes in your life.  You can choose to ignore it or acknowledge it and give it no power.  "Yeah I heard you, but that's a silly thought and it will never happen"  then move on to something else.

Now is a good time to share with you one of my favorite definitions of the word fear.  FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real  Think about it...I had a scary thought that I was going to slice myself or cut my wrists.  I bet I'm not the only one who thought of a "suicidal" thought.  Does that make me suicidal?  No, it doesn't.  Why?  Because I, like most of the anxiety sufferers out there, are TERRIFIED of death!  Why would I do something I'm terrified of?  Why would you?  Think of your scary thoughts right now.  Would you actually hurt your kids?  Hurt your husband?  Drive your car into a ditch?  No, of course not.  And why?  Because those things are things we are afraid of...dying, losing your kids, losing your husband, etc.  We are magically manifesting things again in our hyperactive brains except instead of manifesting aches and pains, we are now manifesting our fears.  It's sort of like one of my favorite movies Sphere.  If you've seen it, you know what I mean.  If you haven't, go rent it...it's a good flick.

So let's say it together... "You are only a scary thought.  It's silly and I will never do such a thing.  I give you no power."  Don't be afraid to stand your ground against yourself.  Say it out loud and like you mean it.  Give those scary thoughts the big middle finger! :)

Much Love and Light~

Tammy