Round and Round I Go!

Here I am, again, with what seems to be another growth spurt.  I've have them before since completing the program and I will have them again.  There's no cure for anxiety issues.  Much like a alcoholic, it's a one day at a time thing.  The only issue this time is, this one is a huge doozy and seemed to come out of no where.  I haven't felt this bad since before starting the program in the first place and quite frankly it scares me.  I've been keeping 95% of it to myself and trying to put on the brave face for the world to see, act like nothing is wrong, but inside I'm a complete and utter hot mess.  I've spent the last week sick with those lovely digestive/stomach issues.  I spent the past week with overwhelming feelings of dread, anxiety, nervousness, hate, and self doubt.  I spent the past week bawling my eyes out, not eating and not really sleeping.  I feel out of control 90% of the time.  My only form of solace has been the dog who runs over and licks my face when I'm having a bad moment but even that's short lived.  My entire week has been consumed with old scary feelings that I can't seem to control.  I'm taking everything and I do mean everything personally.  You can give me the most genuine compliment and my brain will twist it into something completely negative.  I'm living in constant fear.  I fear I'll be abandoned.  Actually, I fear I already have been by certain people.  I'm having extreme waves of jealousy and anger because of it.  I feel very alone, very invisible, not wanted, not loved, not liked, and not worthy of people's time.  I'm battling with myself because logically I know that this is probably not the case and I'm bringing these symptoms upon myself (as all anxiety people do) but the feelings...the hurt, the pain, the guilt, the sadness and everything else in between are so very real it so hard to convince myself otherwise.  I feel like I try and try and try and do things people suggest and that it's never enough or the right thing.  I feel like no matter what I do, I'm doing it wrong.

Ever think you are doing the right thing for someone and then find out a year later that's not what they wanted or expected of you?  Yeah, it sucks.  And maybe this is where this is all stemming from.  It took me finally opening my mouth after being afraid to do so for months to find out that what I thought I was doing correctly wasn't exactly needed/wanted.  Now I'm feverishly trying to doggy paddle my way back into the main stream but the waves against me (whether self produced or not) are so hard to work against and I'm not that great of a swimmer.  I feel I'll never get to that place in my mind that I thought I was this whole time.  I feel like while I'm trying to get back into the calm area of the pool, pedestals have been raised and not enough to include me.  I don't even deserve a dingy.  I'm having a hard time swallowing my pride and not having my feelings hurt and getting back on that wagon and trying again until something works.  I'm a quitter, I always have been.  I run away from my problems instead of facing them head on.  OR I project my problems on other people to shift the blame from me to them.  Why not?  It's easier that way.  By the time I do get enough courage to face them, it's usually too late or a much harder battle than what would have been if I just opened my mouth in the first place.  The last thing I want is for people to think I was unsupportive, uncaring, unloving and unwilling to help.  That's the furthest from the truth.  In reality, I thought I was being supportive, caring, loving and I have always been willing to help but was waiting to be asked.  I'm always afraid of stepping on people's toes so I remove myself.  I figure if you want something, you'll ask and I would be 110% glad to do it for you if it's in my power.  But I can't do what I don't know and you can't assume someone should know what to do.  I spent so many years of my life being disappointed and angry with people because they SHOULD have known what to do, what to say, etc.  How could they if I never told them what I expected, what I wanted, what I like.   Now I see the other side of it.  There's no way I could have known and with out any direction and no complaints I figured I was doing the right thing.  So now add extreme guilt to the mix and while you're at it add in the fact that I replay the past over and over so instead of taking it as a lesson and moving on, I'm just stuck in the past beating myself up repeatedly over and over again.  Why?  I guess because I feel like I deserve it.  Would I expect someone else to do that if the roles were reversed?  No.  What should have been a conversation, a realization, a plan of action and closure with intent to learn from it and move on has become a downward spiral of self hate, guilt, rage, jealousy, depression and anything else you can throw in there.  A big old shit sandwich that I'm repeatedly eating...yum yum!

12+ years ago, when I was at my worst, I was what you would call an agoraphobic.  I had all of the feelings above plus a million others.  Social situations were crippling.  The only two places I could leave the house to go to was my job (because I had to go) and my parents house because it was my safe place.  I couldn't go anywhere else by myself, the thought of it would send me into a panic attack.  If I had to go somewhere I made myself sick far before going and then I could cancel because I was sick.  If I had someone with me, it wasn't so bad, but it wasn't too good either.  This was my life for years.  Life was passing me by and with every moment that passed by while I was stuck in the house my jealousy, anger, depression, fear, anxiety and self loathing just continued to grow.  I hated people because they got to go out and do things.  I was jealous of them because they were happy and were spending time with people I wanted to spend time with but emotionally couldn't handle.  I felt that no one cared and no one wanted me to be with them anyway which just made the feelings worse.  I was avoided, which I can't really blame a person for that, I wouldn't want to be around me either.  It took me a very VERY long time to realize that it wasn't that people didn't care or didn't want to include me but with my current state of mind, it was exhausting to keep trying and failing to get me to participate so then why bother?  There's only so many times you can get turned down before you stop asking.  I feel like this with a lot of things too.  This is what I believe is happening now minus the agoraphobia and it's just hard as hell to break the habit.  I'm lonely and missing people but still waiting at home instead of being proactive and seeing them...you know the stepping on toes thing.  I'm finding it hard to tell my brain that my fears are not reality because I'm not getting definite confirmation from anyone that this is the case so there's always a sense of doubt throw in there wiggling its ass at me.  I realize with some people tough love was the only way to get my attention but sometimes I would just love a hug, an I love you, and it'll be okay and then you can tell me to suck it up and go back to tough love.  Sometimes I just need reassurance.

I want to get past this.  I hate feeling this way.  I can't believe I spent so many years stuck in this hell and just continued to go through life feeling this way.  YEARS!  It's been a week and I'm beyond ready for this shit to leave.

I'm writing this because talking it out helps me sort things out and put things in perspective.  I'm sharing it because if I'm feeling this way, there are others out there who have felt the same way.  I can't tell you how many times I hesitated to share things because they are personal although I try and keep names and the like out of it...but then have had people read it and tell me how much it helped them because they could relate.  So this is why I continue to share, even if it's once every few months.
Much love and light to everyone.

~Tammy

Fourth Chakra

For those of you not familiar with the chakras, the fourth chakra is also known as you heart chakra because that is where it is located on your body (your chest).  This chakra is primarily associated with the color green but can also be associated with soft pink/rose color.  It has the element of air, the note of A and powers the arms, breasts, hands, heart, wrists, lungs, circulatory system, and shoulders.  When your heart chakra is balanced you feel safe, loved, secure, trusting, belonging, and like your basic needs are being met.  When your chakra is closed or even too open (both can happen) you feel fear, greed, insecure and isolated.  You can also have problems with arthritis, hemorrhoids, constipation, sciatica, knee problems, arthritis, and bone problems.  Why do I bring this up?  Because I had a very emotional meditation session based on the fourth chakra.

Every first Friday of the month, a local PT place has a crystal bowl meditation class.  Last month was my first time and it was a general meditation (meaning not chakra based) focusing on our intentions for the new year.  I have never participated in a crystal bowl meditation before, so the idea was exciting to me.  Besides, even though I meditate frequently and am going to school for it now, it's nice to have an hour to yourself every month to reflect.  Being in a group meditation setting has always been a powerful way for me to meditation because even though we are reflecting and balancing ourselves, you can feel the energy of everyone else in the room reaching the same goal.  If you ever get a chance to attend a group meditation of any kind, I highly recommend it.

Anyway, crystal bowl meditation is like mindful meditation (where you focus on breath) mixed with crystal bowls aka singing bowls.  Because we are made of mostly water, energy and vibrations are very important in our lives, whether we notice them or not.  Jurassic Park showed the world on how vibrations can manipulate water.  Since we are made up of so much water, the sound vibrations of the bowls have the same effect.  If you allow yourself and practice this, it is said to be very healing.  Each tone works on different parts of the body (you can look up singing bowls or even the solfeggio scale both of which I like a lot).  So, because of Valentine's day being next week, our instructor decided to work on the heart chakra.

Sometimes you have days where meditation is super chatty and you can't really concentrate.  The purpose of meditation isn't necessarily to quiet your mind, but to be non judgmental to what comes to you and when distractions do come in, you look at them at face value and quietly push them out of your brain and focus back on your breath.  By doing this, you learn to be open to anything and at the same time you learn to not be immediately reactive (which we are all guilty of).  A lot of answers can come to you this way if you focus on just being instead of forcing possibilities.  Anything forced is usually clouded, jaded and leaves you with doubt.

Sometimes you have meditations that just hit you and bring on strong emotions.  This is what happened to me on Friday.  Because of Dennis' anniversary Wednesday and because of certain stresses happening in my life at the moment, I was very much looking forward to meditation class.  I got stuck in traffic, so I missed 10 minutes of it, but I quickly settled down and found my om.  As she was saying some things about the heart chakra that really resonated with me at the moment, I got that feeling that I was exactly where I needed to be at that moment (I love it when that happens).  And, then she began to play the bowls again.  Whatever sequence she was playing just overwhelmed me with emotion.  I wasn't necessarily sad, but I couldn't help but silently cry my eyes out.  This is the third time this has happened to me during a meditation, BTW, and I believe the first time was also during a fourth chakra meditation.  Shortly there after my heart started palpitating like crazy!  Clearly I was very blocked in this area (it's been a while since I've aligned myself).  At any rate, I felt very peaceful after the meditation was over and I am happy to report that I had, for the first time in a very long time, a really good night's sleep with out any sleep aids.

So, what's my point?  I don't have one.  I just wanted to share my awesome experience from the other night while touching a tad on some meditation information.

Much love and light~

Tammy

Three years later

Three years later, I wish I could come to you with some superior words of wisdom.  I wish I could come to you with some poetic, yet meaningful, post that resonates with all of you and makes you a little wiser.  Unfortunately I can't do any of those things.

I knew today was coming up fast and I had some mixed emotions about it.  I didn't want to sit and sulk like I have done for the past two.  In fact, I saw a post somewhere about doing a random act of kindness on 2/5/14 so I decided that maybe this is what I'll do to honor my brother instead of rehashing everything.  Not that my intent is to rehash it every year but contrary to popular belief, I can't just stop remembering it.  I'll never forget it and those who think I could possibly not think about it or him daily must have never lost anyone close otherwise they wouldn't make such an idiotic comment.

At any rate, my plan was to do RAKs today as my way of honoring Dennis since I wanted to do something "for" him.  Little did I know, that would prove to be impossible to do today.  I woke up this morning to find a text from my boss saying I could stay home because the weather was crappy.  WOOHOO my very first snow day!  I was so excited by it, I did what any kid would do on a snow day...go make some hot chocolate and dance around in glee!  After making Justin's lunch I decided I was going to snuggle with the cat and play online a bit.  That's when I saw the date.  I knew yesterday what today was, but the joyous text I got this morning sort of put it in the back of my mind instead of the front.  So...being stuck in the house...now what?  I didn't feel the same looming feelings of years prior so I went on to have a very relaxing and enjoyable day.  I didn't do a damn thing all day but watch movies, snuggle with the cats and generally laze about.  In other words, I had a really good day on a day that's supposed to be solemn.  I feel relaxed and rejuvenated which is something I rarely feel.  Did I think about him today?  Of course I did, but I think I can honestly say I have gotten to a point in my grief where I've completely come to terms with what happened and I feel at peace with it.  It only took three years, but hey...every one's journey is different and I'm okay with that.

I guess, in a way, I honored my brother by not consuming myself with what this day will always mean to me...to us.  I know he wouldn't want any of us mourning all over again every year and hell maybe he put a bug in my boss' ear to give me the day off to do exactly what I needed to do today.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of him, that I don't see the number 13, that something doesn't remind me of him and that I don't feel him around.  I'll miss him every.single.day for the rest of my life.  And, one day, hopefully many many years down the road, I hope he's there to meet me on the other side...where I will promptly thump his forehead for being an ass and then give him a big hug...because that's what bratty younger sisters do!  <3

Much love and light~

Tammy

I don't understand

I'm really having a hard time understanding how some people go through life, living it the way they live it and have no problems or see no problems with how they are.  I guess that can be said for everyone.  But, I'm not understanding how some people can be so mean, so belittling, so rude and down right nasty.  I also don't understand how when said people are essentially called out on this problem, they turn around and become nastier, ruder, meaner and drop their age by about 50 years and throw a tantrum like a 2 year old.

Okay, I get that no one likes to have the truth pointed out to them especially if they are the asshole in the equation.  But at what point do you let that go and move on?  Why are these people so hellbent on making everyone else miserable and ruining such a good thing in the process?  The same people, who in their tantrum, claim they are about the greater good?  Why can they not see that they were and are still part of the problem?  Why would anyone want to put forth so much effort on being a total dickwad?

All of this constant bickering, backstabbing and the like is doing nothing but leaving me with an even bigger migraine than I had before and making me second guess everything that has gone on.  Should I have just went along with the ride like so many others have before me?  Or quit like so many others did instead?  I pride myself on not having any regrets because everything that has ever happened in my life or will ever happen in my life happens for a reason.  But, I have to be honest and say this is quickly starting to look like my first one.  I know things get worse before they get better and I'm usually the one driving the positive float on the piss parade but this is really starting to get to me.  I feel like I'm back in grade school trying to hide from the bully.  I guess the only thing I can hope for, right now, is seeing a light at the end of that famous tunnel.

I don't even know how to end this.  I've never been flabbergasted so many times in my entire life than I have over the past month.   I just don't even know what to say anymore.

Much love and light~

Tammy

Moving forward

Now that my super anxious bout has subsided...and I no longer think I'm dying...I've been slowly trying to put on my big girl undies and move on with life.  I'm having the worst case of winter blues I have every had in my entire life.  All I want to do is sleep, but then again, my insomnia is back with a vengeance so that's not happening either.  I have lost my desire to do a lot of things.  I haven't run consistently since the end of October.  It's a vicious cycle!  I know that eating poorly (or not really at all) and not exercising is heightening my anxiety/depression issues yet I am letting those issues take over enough so I'm not getting up and putting the effort in to actually get off my ass and eat correctly.   I am hoping February brings better feelings and positive changes regardless of it being tax season.

On a more positive note, I found the school that I felt was best suited for me and my needs to get my teaching certificate for meditation.  I waited a few weeks to be sure.  I kept doing research on it and re-reading the website and just looking around in general so I knew I was making the right decision for me.  Not to mention the fact that Venus was in retrograde, so I didn't want that clouding my judgement in any way, even though I found this school way before that happened.  I researched several schools but this one just spoke to me right off the bat.  I felt a sense of peace reading up on it and getting an idea on what I would be doing to obtain my certificate.   In other words, every fiber of my being was telling me this was the one.  So...last week I bit the bullet and applied.  I found it a tad strange that my application asked what my hobbies were.  Is that normal?  It's been a long time since I applied for school.  I SOOOOO wanted to say something like "I like long walks on the beach..." but figured a university application was not the best place to be my normal sarcastic self.  Good news is I was accepted!!  I received my books a few days ago and plan on taking my time with the program.  I already spoke with my professor and get a really good vibe from him.  And, if that wasn't enough to completely convince me, the first chapter of one of my books completely resonated with me and my life.  It was the final confirmation I guess I needed to say...yes...this is where you are meant to be.  I'm very super excited about this journey and will probably write about it a lot.  And, yes, I know I was "stupid", AGAIN, to start school during tax season but there are two reasons for that.  1) I want to earn this certificate sooner rather than later so I can start my business and 2) I think it may be beneficial to learn different meditation techniques during this time.  I also have to do a minimum of 60 hours (can't log more than an hour a day) of meditation practice in order to be able to take my final exam.  Hopefully I won't be as stressed out because of this.

At any rate, this is where I am today.  Next week may be a different story, but I'll worry about that when I get there.

Love and light~

Tammy

I'm seeing the light

Today was a good day.  It's the first day in a probably a month where I didn't feel that general anxious feeling all day long.  In fact, today is the first day I didn't have to tell myself to stop scaring myself...although the day is not over, yet.  I really think I'm over the nasty hump and am on my way down the anxiety hill.  This side of the hill is much nicer with luscious green grass and the most beautiful flowers you've ever seen.  The sky is blue, the clouds are colorful and the temperature is nice and warm.  It's nice to be here.  Before I know it I'll be on that flat meadow where this is view most days.  I can't wait.

Work was pretty boring (as it is this time of year) since most people are away for the holidays.  BUT, I didn't spend my day consumed with fear.  My boss even let me leave at 2:30pm which was nice.  I had some down time at home before I had to head to the gym.  I had a pretty awesome work out and even though I had a mini panic attack during it (I'm always afraid of passing out and when I exercise hard I feel a bit light headed) I finished my training session and felt pretty damn good after it.  Now I'm sitting here trying to decide what to have for dinner.  Why did I tell you all of that?  Because it's the little things that we take for granted.  Normal people go through this routine on a daily basis.  Anxious people spend 24 hours a day worrying about things that feel very real to them, but may not be.  Anxious people don't take down time at work to fiddle around and do nothing, they spend that time looking symptoms up on the Internet.  Anxious people don't pat themselves on the back for feeling the panic attack, recognizing it and then overcoming it...they beat themselves up over it.  99% of what "normal" people do every day on autopilot anxious people don't feel/do.  So, when we are feeling good and can be mindful about what we are doing, that's a huge thing for us.  That is why I include things like that.  It also reminds me that I did well today :)  I'll never forget the first time I went out and pumped my own gas.  I think I had permasmile for a week.  Remember, for those just tuning in, I was agoraphobic.  I could only leave the house by myself to go to work and to my parents house...oh and the Dr. because I'm a hypochondriac after all.  My parents house was my safe place and I had to work so I had to go there.  Everywhere else I went I had to have someone else with me or I wouldn't go and even with someone with me it was a horrific experience for me internally.

But, anyway, that was many years ago and we know that if we are stuck in the past we are depressed, if we are stuck in the future we are anxious but if you are living in the present, we are at peace.

Much love and light~

Tammy

Gratitude Jars

Firstly, I want to thank all of those who reached out to me about my post yesterday and shared their experiences.  It is certainly nice to know that I am not the only one who has had these feelings and fears.  I sat on the fence for a bit yesterday deciding whether or not I should share yesterday's babbles.  Ultimately I decided that I needed to.  When I first was aware that I had an anxiety disorder, I kept it a secret as much as I could.  I didn't want people to think less of me or think I'm crazy.  When I started to feel a bit better I started to open up more about it.  Low and behold, the more people I told, the more people told me they had similar issues.  Go figure!  I decided then that I was no longer ashamed of my issues and would share them when needed.  Obviously this blog is no different.  Although it would be nice if if were all happy go lucky posts full of positivity, I know that is not reality.  I will fight this disorder my entire life and to think I will never have set backs is unrealistic.

At any rate...Gratitude Jars.  Last year I came across a post on Pinterest about a Gratitude Jar.  It bothers me that every year around this time people claim that the year they are in was down right shitty and they hope next year is better.  Every year.  People (and I'm guilty of this too) focus way too much on the negatives and tend to forget about the positives.  Yes, I understand that bad things happen to everyone every year, but I'm willing to bet it wasn't 365 days of crap.  A gratitude jar is a jar or container that you keep out (Mine says "Life is Good") and starting on January 1st you write all the good things that happen to you on little pieces of paper and keep it in the jar.  I also included trinkets like my shoe tag from my first Warrior Dash or my Maroon 5 ticket.  I make sure I write the date on my notes because I plan on continuing this every year and this way I can keep all of the old notes in one place and not have to separate them into different boxes.  On New Year's Eve, you open your jar and read all of the good things that happened to you that year.  I always try to reflect on all the good things that happen to me through out the year on NYE but I think this is going to be a lot more fun.  My jar is pretty full and I'm very much looking forward to seeing everything I wrote.  I use scrap book paper so it looks pretty in the jar.

I challenge everyone reading this to try it this year.  You have a few more days to go out and find a jar or container of your choice.  I have a large mason jar, but the one I made for my niece for Christmas is a clear glass vase.  Decorate it as you choose.  Like I said, mine says "Life is Good" on it, but the one I made my niece simply says "Gratitude Jar".  The choice is yours.  Keep it in view so you remember to add to it.  It may take some reminding at first but before you know it you'll be looking forward to getting home to add your good memories to it.  I look forward to hearing your experiences!

Much Love and Light~

Tammy