Back to school anxiety

As I see so many people post their kids' back to school pictures with all of their happy, smiling faces, it brings me back to my school days.  I'm sure, when I was little, I also had a happy smiling face.  BUT, I don't remember that.  I was just too young.  What I do remember is the flood of anxiety that hit me weeks prior that just got worse as that dreaded first day got closer and closer.  I'd get random waves of fear that would hit me at the top of the head and shoot down to my stomach.  The closer the day got, the more it happened.  I was already playing scenarios in my head of what will happen.  Much like how my later years were and even a lot of times now, my head was consumed with scary thoughts of the unknown.  My brain doesn't do unknown because it will fill it with the most horrible things (that generally never happen).

I tend to think I was an overly sensitive (and still am) child.  As I've stated in my previous post (maybe the one before last) You can compliment me and my brain will turn that around in my head to something negative.  As a very young child, I grew a rather large mole on my face and curiosity from other kids made me self conscious about it.  Their curiosity was normal, I turned that into being picked on in my head.  Years later, that curiosity actually turned into being picked on... a lot.  Add that in with all my other anxieties and school was the pits.  Yes, I had my friends, but the act of me getting up to go was excruciating.  The nightmares the night before, the stomach aches, the dry heaving then the worrying about throwing up in front of people at school cycled back into myself and I'm pretty sure I was having mini panic attacks on the regular but I kept a lot of that internalized.  Once I was there, I was okay, from what I remember but I clung to teachers and the like because I thought if I did that they'd protect me from the teasing which did nothing but segregate me more and make it harder for me to fit in.  Like I said, I did have a core group of friends but we were rarely in the same class and I would just hope we'd have recess together.   I never did all the things I had an interest in because of the fear surrounding it.  I wanted to play soccer, I wouldn't try out.  Chorus sounded like fun, wouldn't try out.  The only thing I did was band and that was because my best friend at the time did it as well so I figured we'd at least get to see each other at some point.  These anxieties got worse as I got older and the teasing got worse because kids are mean.   The mole teasing was still there but as I got into middles school, I was then teased for not having a boyfriend which eventually turned into being teased for not having sex.  Yes, you read that right...middle school.  There was a group of catty bitches who just loved to see me walk by and start their antics.  Now that I look back at it years later, I know they were just highly insecure with themselves so they picked on the ones who wouldn't say anything back to them and that just happened to be me.  I remember my mom telling me, at one point, to just agree with what they say then they wouldn't have anything to go on.  So, I did.  I remember vividly being at a school dance and the teasing started...they were saying I was so ugly I had to have sex with frozen hot dogs (yes still in middle school) to which I told them that no, I didn't like how cold they were and preferred them to be hot instead.  It actually worked.  They had nothing to say to that.

School anxiety followed me all the way up through college.  My high school anxieties were fear of being alone and/or embarrassing myself and lunch was a HUGE panic issue for me.  I had a hard enough time eating in front of people I knew (also anxiety related) let alone strangers.  If I didn't see anyone I knew well, I'd hide in the bathroom until the bell rang.  Ugh, even thinking about it now knots my stomach.  You know, to this day...at 37...I STILL have school nightmares.  Not remembering my locker combinations, forgetting where my classes are, and being stuck at lunch with no one.  Horrible!

As I look back, it's amazing to me how much I purposely put memories aside and chose to forget them.  I see why, but as I was thinking about this over the past few days with all the kids going back to school, I had memories fly back that I completely forgot about.  I do this a lot with a lot of my anxiety issues.  I asked my husband last night if I was really that bad.  He confirmed that with a big fat "worse".  I asked him how so and he told me because my anxieties never left...ever.  I was anxious from the time I got up to the time I went to bed (which I didn't sleep).  There was no wavering with moods with me, they were always foul.  Of course, back then, I had absolutely no idea there was anything wrong.  I genuinely assumed this was life and everyone felt like this.  All of these anxiety blogs and memories and conclusions are ones I made in the present time because I couldn't recognize an issue.  Looking back, after getting out of most of my anxiety issues, is when it started to dawn on me that things weren't right from quite some time.  To be honest, I don't ever remember a time where I didn't have some sort of anxiety issues.  It's sad, really...but in a way not.  I'm a firm believer everything happens for a reason and my past struggles made me who I am right now.  I still have a LOT of growing to do and my chat with my husband last night really made me feel good about how far I've actually come.  Even despite my little boo-hoo moment yesterday.  I don't like to re-hash things because it's the past and especially for him because I put him through the wringer on a daily basis, but I can also learn from how I was and it helps to have someone else point out things even if they hurt.  I'm so thankful the universe aligned and had me and him log in to the same BBS at the same time which got us talking because I really think that if he wasn't in my life, I would be no better than I was 10+ years ago.  Do I have my moments?  Sure...and they scare the both of us.  BUT, I also think that fear is what drives me (which sounds super odd coming from someone with an anxiety disorder who just said fear was bad)...but I don't ever want to go back there.  He certainly doesn't want to do that shit all over again...so it gives me a push in the right direction.

As usually, I started on one subject and kind of morphed into another but I just felt like I needed to get that off my chest and out there.

Much love and light~

~Tammy

Tired of being on ignore

What's the worst feeling in the world?  Being ignored...feeling like you are totally and utterly invisible.  It keeps creeping back in and I keep re-evaluating myself wondering what I am doing wrong and what other steps I can possibly take to remedy this.  I understand that people have lives and I don't expect everyone to get back to me right away or every time but when certain people do it all the time...ALL THE DAMN TIME...it hurts.  It hurts a lot!  You start questioning your self worth.  What makes everyone else so special and me not?  There's only so much jumping up and down waving my arms I can do to make you notice that I still exist!  I've been told I need to put myself out there.  That's awesome, and I'm trying that.  However, you have to meet me half way, I can't do it all.  I don't ask for much.  You have no idea how utterly happy it would make me if you just got back to me or liked something I directly posted to you or hell even tell me to go fuck myself at least I know you didn't just read it an ignore it like everything else.  I know you have no idea how much you are hurting me but you are.  And, as always, I'll think about it too much and turn it around and find it all to be my fault.  It never anyone else's fault...just how my mind works.  It's so damn frustrating.  I just want to be liked and thought of.  Seriously...that's it.  Is that seriously asking too much?

Dallas...where's Alice?

WARNING:  This blog will follow my thought patterns which means it’ll be all over the damn place and endlessly long.  Read at your own risk ;)

About a month ago, I got a random text from my staff partner from Relay for Life asking me if I wanted to go to Dallas for the annual Relay for Life conference.  Giving my generic "but" answer I tend to give when the thought of something sounds good but makes me anxious “that’s so tempting but funds would not allow that” to which I was met with “ACS pays for everything.”  Well damn, that didn’t work!  So I pondered it for a few minutes and immediately text my friend who lives in Texas “How far are you from Dallas?”  “Like 5-10 min.   Mesquite is a suburb of big D.”  Hmmmmmm, I thought a little harder.  I wanted to go, initially, but I figured if the conference sucked I’d at least get to meet up with a friend and it would make the trip a little worth it.  So, I thought for a few more minutes, tried to get some work done, but I couldn’t get it out of my head.  I knew I had to act fast as there was only one spot left open for volunteers and I didn’t want me dragging my feet be the reason why I didn’t go.   I made my final and most important decision text to my husband.  Told him I had the opportunity to go but the only problem was it was only a few days after me getting back from Jersey so he’d have to take the dog the whole time and that I wouldn’t know anyone there and what his honest thoughts on me going was.  He promptly told me to go for it…to go meet new people and have fun.  He always pushes me to better myself and ensures me I can do things that I convince myself I can’t… so that’s when I gave my staff partner the final “let’s go for it” text.

I waited on pins and needles for the next couple of days because I wouldn’t know if I for sure was going until those asked before me declined (I’m assuming) and then I should get an invite email.  I tried to not think about it.  I was going with the theory of if I was meant to go, then I’d go.  If I wasn’t meant to go, then I wouldn’t get the invite. 

I got the invite.

Queue the panic!  I got the email on the date of the deadline and of course the thousands steps I needed to do in order to confirm my interest, hotel and flights was halted because the website wasn’t working which made me beyond anxious.  Several emails and texts back and forth with 4 different people for what seems like forever and I finally got through and was able to choose my classes, my room, and eventually my flights.  I could puke at the thought.

For anyone who knows me personally or who has read through my babblings on this page, you probably know the circle of events that back stroked their way through my brain.  To those of you who are new to this blog, you’re probably thinking what’s the big deal?  Well, to someone with an anxiety disorder this is a huge deal.  Little things are huge deals.  Sometimes walking out the front door is a huge deal.  As someone who was agoraphobic for years, that last one is a huge accomplishment for me let alone traveling a thousand miles by myself to stay a weekend in a place I don’t know, with people I have never met and having a roommate I only know the name of.  Huge deals here!

So, anyway, I went through a whole mess of emotions.  I was just coming off some other strong emotions as mentioned in my previous blog so this just heightened things for me.  Bad timing, I guess.  I would yo-yo from being really excited to being really nervous.  I even thought about how I could cancel without making myself look like an ass but that was short lived.  I knew I HAD to go.  Not because it was already booked and paid for, but because I knew this was something I had to do.  The wait is the worst.  Anticipatory anxiety, for me, is worse than panic attacks sometimes.  The whole unknown, the constant flip flop stomach, the random waves of fear that go from your head to your toes were all very prominent.  I tried to keep myself busy and not think of it at all, actually.  I tried some new oils out to help me which seemed to work for the most part but there was always that white elephant in the room…that huge white elephant with a lone star on its side just mocking me, reminding me what was coming and whispering all of these awful things that were going to happen.  Elephant: “psst…you know they won’t have your boarding passes right?  It’ll be like you never even got your plane tickets at all.”  “Psst…I bet the plane will crash, wouldn’t that be fun?”  “Psst…you might as well just get used to being alone; no one is going to want to be friends with you.  Pick your place to hide now and only come out when you need to.”  That elephant needed to STFU is what that elephant needed to do but unfortunately he didn’t shut it before my mind was half convinced of these things.

FF>> to the night before the trip.  I was packing…feeling okay and took a call from a friend asking me how I was doing.  He knew I was nervous.  He asked about my flights so I told him.  “Ummm I hate to tell you this, but you know that’s a prop plane, right?”  NOOOOOOOOO!  OMG I’M GOING TO DIE!  WHAT IS THIS WWI?  WHO HAS PROP PLANES? Surprisingly I slept pretty well that night. 

I had some nerves at the airport but not too bad, until I walked down the stairs to the tarmac and saw the dreaded propellers!  OH EM GEE!  You have GOT to be kidding me!  It’s a flying coffin.  Got settled and was okay until I saw the props starting to turn…then the shimmy…wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle…not a happy girl!  Take off was weird feeling, I thought I was going to have to get out and push.  “Ladies and gentlemen we will be traveling at 5000 feet…”  I had to laugh at that…5k… and let me tell you it’s much bumpier at 5000 than 34000.  Landing is something we don’t discuss.  I think my stomach is still back on the plane BUT I survived and thankfully my next flight was a regular ole normal jet with nothing to report. 

Landing in Dallas…before we even got out of the airport I could feel the heat.  OMG the heat!  I’ve never in my life felt anything like it.  Go bake some cookies… stand in front of the over once it’s at temp and put your face in the hot air.  Yeah, THAT’S Dallas!

Anyway, I hid from other relay people on my trip down but I figured I had to put on my big girl undies and start mingling now that I was where I was supposed to be and it was unavoidable.  I found a few “purple people” at the airport and flagged them down to find the shuttle to the airport.  Small talk started, wasn’t too bad and it was short lived.  Once we got to the hotel, those who I was awkwardly friendly with went their own way and I was on my own again.  Queue the elephant tapping on my shoulder telling me “I told you so.” So I decided to hurry up to my room (my roommate hadn’t checked in yet) to drop off my crap and pull myself together.  I stayed maybe 10 minutes…long enough to pee, unload my bag and put on some Valor for extra strength and I took a deep breath and decided now was as good a time as any to go down and register…before I lost my nerve anyway.  And, that’s what I did…I put caution to the wind and went down with a smile and tried to hide my anxieties and find kind faces to maybe gravitate towards.  I registered and headed to the relay store and by the time I finished there it was just about time for dinner.  Well, I’m hungry so let’s give this a try (one of my biggest anxiety quirks is eating in front of people.  Usually I’d starve before doing it).  I found our section and it was pretty empty so I found a table next to the buffet and got something to eat…by myself.  Well, the elephant was there.  ;)  Maybe 10 minutes later and a very nice woman asked to sit with me and about two minutes later another 4 joined and the one joined shortly after that.  It was nice we were sectioned off by division so even though we all weren’t from the same state, we were close and it gave us something in common other than relay.  I actually sat and chatted with these friendly people before going to our first meeting, also by division so we were all going to the same place which was nice. 

And that’s how my weekend started…once I put myself out there and let my guard down most of my anxieties went away.  Everyone and I do mean EVERYONE was very nice.  I think it was the fact we were all there for a common goal.  My general sessions were grouped with those I was familiarizing myself with from New England so it was nice to see familiar faces several times a day…faces I felt like I belonged to.  My breakout sessions had some people from my division but mostly not.  However, you’d be proud to know that I did not just sit there like a bump on a log, but I actually actively participated in all aspects in all of my classes.  “This is highly irregular, Dave.” But I really feel like I got a lot out of the classes.  I even…wait for it…got up and danced for hours during our second dinner/reception/party/doodad…whatever you want to call it.  I know, I almost fainted at the thought too.  By the time Friday night ended, I was feeling pretty good about myself and so proud of myself for tackling this like an adult.  By the next morning I didn’t even have to put any oils to go down to go to breakfast.  I knew I’d find my familiars who would welcome me to the table with no questions asked and I did.  I even found a buddy who I clicked with so well we had to friend each other on facebook before we left.  I mean, you can’t just lose contact with the person you accidentally crashed the top fundraisers photo op/awards/gifts gathering with.  ;)  My reward for passing this weekend with flying colors was a lunch out with my Texas girls and wine tasting before heading home.

So, what did I learn?  A lot!  I learned that even though I’m 10+ years past “recovering” from anxiety, it will always be there and I will always have to work at it, but that’s okay.  I learned that I can do anything I set my mind to.  I learned that my perceptions of people and situations are usually incorrect when my mind is infected with anxiety.  I learned that you “have” to dance to Madonna.  I learned that sniffing Crayola crayons can drop your blood pressure 10 points.  I learned that I can’t Dougie even if you teach me.  I learned that if I just drop my guard even just a little, great an amazing things can and will happen.  I learned that cinnamon is good for you so eat the ice cream.  I learned that no one on this green earth should be in Texas in August…ever…ever ever ever! 

So, I know some of you are wondering, again, why I share these things.  First and foremost I do it because it helps me tremendously.  If you don’t journal in some way, you should.  It allows me to go back and see the things I’ve over come or how I used to feel and how I’ve grown or even just to remind myself that yes I’ve felt this way before and survived.  The second reason why I share these publicly is because it always, in some way, helps someone else out.  Anxiety issues are more popular than you think!  We are just really good at hiding it.

Much love and light~

Tammy

Round and Round I Go!

Here I am, again, with what seems to be another growth spurt.  I've have them before since completing the program and I will have them again.  There's no cure for anxiety issues.  Much like a alcoholic, it's a one day at a time thing.  The only issue this time is, this one is a huge doozy and seemed to come out of no where.  I haven't felt this bad since before starting the program in the first place and quite frankly it scares me.  I've been keeping 95% of it to myself and trying to put on the brave face for the world to see, act like nothing is wrong, but inside I'm a complete and utter hot mess.  I've spent the last week sick with those lovely digestive/stomach issues.  I spent the past week with overwhelming feelings of dread, anxiety, nervousness, hate, and self doubt.  I spent the past week bawling my eyes out, not eating and not really sleeping.  I feel out of control 90% of the time.  My only form of solace has been the dog who runs over and licks my face when I'm having a bad moment but even that's short lived.  My entire week has been consumed with old scary feelings that I can't seem to control.  I'm taking everything and I do mean everything personally.  You can give me the most genuine compliment and my brain will twist it into something completely negative.  I'm living in constant fear.  I fear I'll be abandoned.  Actually, I fear I already have been by certain people.  I'm having extreme waves of jealousy and anger because of it.  I feel very alone, very invisible, not wanted, not loved, not liked, and not worthy of people's time.  I'm battling with myself because logically I know that this is probably not the case and I'm bringing these symptoms upon myself (as all anxiety people do) but the feelings...the hurt, the pain, the guilt, the sadness and everything else in between are so very real it so hard to convince myself otherwise.  I feel like I try and try and try and do things people suggest and that it's never enough or the right thing.  I feel like no matter what I do, I'm doing it wrong.

Ever think you are doing the right thing for someone and then find out a year later that's not what they wanted or expected of you?  Yeah, it sucks.  And maybe this is where this is all stemming from.  It took me finally opening my mouth after being afraid to do so for months to find out that what I thought I was doing correctly wasn't exactly needed/wanted.  Now I'm feverishly trying to doggy paddle my way back into the main stream but the waves against me (whether self produced or not) are so hard to work against and I'm not that great of a swimmer.  I feel I'll never get to that place in my mind that I thought I was this whole time.  I feel like while I'm trying to get back into the calm area of the pool, pedestals have been raised and not enough to include me.  I don't even deserve a dingy.  I'm having a hard time swallowing my pride and not having my feelings hurt and getting back on that wagon and trying again until something works.  I'm a quitter, I always have been.  I run away from my problems instead of facing them head on.  OR I project my problems on other people to shift the blame from me to them.  Why not?  It's easier that way.  By the time I do get enough courage to face them, it's usually too late or a much harder battle than what would have been if I just opened my mouth in the first place.  The last thing I want is for people to think I was unsupportive, uncaring, unloving and unwilling to help.  That's the furthest from the truth.  In reality, I thought I was being supportive, caring, loving and I have always been willing to help but was waiting to be asked.  I'm always afraid of stepping on people's toes so I remove myself.  I figure if you want something, you'll ask and I would be 110% glad to do it for you if it's in my power.  But I can't do what I don't know and you can't assume someone should know what to do.  I spent so many years of my life being disappointed and angry with people because they SHOULD have known what to do, what to say, etc.  How could they if I never told them what I expected, what I wanted, what I like.   Now I see the other side of it.  There's no way I could have known and with out any direction and no complaints I figured I was doing the right thing.  So now add extreme guilt to the mix and while you're at it add in the fact that I replay the past over and over so instead of taking it as a lesson and moving on, I'm just stuck in the past beating myself up repeatedly over and over again.  Why?  I guess because I feel like I deserve it.  Would I expect someone else to do that if the roles were reversed?  No.  What should have been a conversation, a realization, a plan of action and closure with intent to learn from it and move on has become a downward spiral of self hate, guilt, rage, jealousy, depression and anything else you can throw in there.  A big old shit sandwich that I'm repeatedly eating...yum yum!

12+ years ago, when I was at my worst, I was what you would call an agoraphobic.  I had all of the feelings above plus a million others.  Social situations were crippling.  The only two places I could leave the house to go to was my job (because I had to go) and my parents house because it was my safe place.  I couldn't go anywhere else by myself, the thought of it would send me into a panic attack.  If I had to go somewhere I made myself sick far before going and then I could cancel because I was sick.  If I had someone with me, it wasn't so bad, but it wasn't too good either.  This was my life for years.  Life was passing me by and with every moment that passed by while I was stuck in the house my jealousy, anger, depression, fear, anxiety and self loathing just continued to grow.  I hated people because they got to go out and do things.  I was jealous of them because they were happy and were spending time with people I wanted to spend time with but emotionally couldn't handle.  I felt that no one cared and no one wanted me to be with them anyway which just made the feelings worse.  I was avoided, which I can't really blame a person for that, I wouldn't want to be around me either.  It took me a very VERY long time to realize that it wasn't that people didn't care or didn't want to include me but with my current state of mind, it was exhausting to keep trying and failing to get me to participate so then why bother?  There's only so many times you can get turned down before you stop asking.  I feel like this with a lot of things too.  This is what I believe is happening now minus the agoraphobia and it's just hard as hell to break the habit.  I'm lonely and missing people but still waiting at home instead of being proactive and seeing them...you know the stepping on toes thing.  I'm finding it hard to tell my brain that my fears are not reality because I'm not getting definite confirmation from anyone that this is the case so there's always a sense of doubt throw in there wiggling its ass at me.  I realize with some people tough love was the only way to get my attention but sometimes I would just love a hug, an I love you, and it'll be okay and then you can tell me to suck it up and go back to tough love.  Sometimes I just need reassurance.

I want to get past this.  I hate feeling this way.  I can't believe I spent so many years stuck in this hell and just continued to go through life feeling this way.  YEARS!  It's been a week and I'm beyond ready for this shit to leave.

I'm writing this because talking it out helps me sort things out and put things in perspective.  I'm sharing it because if I'm feeling this way, there are others out there who have felt the same way.  I can't tell you how many times I hesitated to share things because they are personal although I try and keep names and the like out of it...but then have had people read it and tell me how much it helped them because they could relate.  So this is why I continue to share, even if it's once every few months.
Much love and light to everyone.

~Tammy

Fourth Chakra

For those of you not familiar with the chakras, the fourth chakra is also known as you heart chakra because that is where it is located on your body (your chest).  This chakra is primarily associated with the color green but can also be associated with soft pink/rose color.  It has the element of air, the note of A and powers the arms, breasts, hands, heart, wrists, lungs, circulatory system, and shoulders.  When your heart chakra is balanced you feel safe, loved, secure, trusting, belonging, and like your basic needs are being met.  When your chakra is closed or even too open (both can happen) you feel fear, greed, insecure and isolated.  You can also have problems with arthritis, hemorrhoids, constipation, sciatica, knee problems, arthritis, and bone problems.  Why do I bring this up?  Because I had a very emotional meditation session based on the fourth chakra.

Every first Friday of the month, a local PT place has a crystal bowl meditation class.  Last month was my first time and it was a general meditation (meaning not chakra based) focusing on our intentions for the new year.  I have never participated in a crystal bowl meditation before, so the idea was exciting to me.  Besides, even though I meditate frequently and am going to school for it now, it's nice to have an hour to yourself every month to reflect.  Being in a group meditation setting has always been a powerful way for me to meditation because even though we are reflecting and balancing ourselves, you can feel the energy of everyone else in the room reaching the same goal.  If you ever get a chance to attend a group meditation of any kind, I highly recommend it.

Anyway, crystal bowl meditation is like mindful meditation (where you focus on breath) mixed with crystal bowls aka singing bowls.  Because we are made of mostly water, energy and vibrations are very important in our lives, whether we notice them or not.  Jurassic Park showed the world on how vibrations can manipulate water.  Since we are made up of so much water, the sound vibrations of the bowls have the same effect.  If you allow yourself and practice this, it is said to be very healing.  Each tone works on different parts of the body (you can look up singing bowls or even the solfeggio scale both of which I like a lot).  So, because of Valentine's day being next week, our instructor decided to work on the heart chakra.

Sometimes you have days where meditation is super chatty and you can't really concentrate.  The purpose of meditation isn't necessarily to quiet your mind, but to be non judgmental to what comes to you and when distractions do come in, you look at them at face value and quietly push them out of your brain and focus back on your breath.  By doing this, you learn to be open to anything and at the same time you learn to not be immediately reactive (which we are all guilty of).  A lot of answers can come to you this way if you focus on just being instead of forcing possibilities.  Anything forced is usually clouded, jaded and leaves you with doubt.

Sometimes you have meditations that just hit you and bring on strong emotions.  This is what happened to me on Friday.  Because of Dennis' anniversary Wednesday and because of certain stresses happening in my life at the moment, I was very much looking forward to meditation class.  I got stuck in traffic, so I missed 10 minutes of it, but I quickly settled down and found my om.  As she was saying some things about the heart chakra that really resonated with me at the moment, I got that feeling that I was exactly where I needed to be at that moment (I love it when that happens).  And, then she began to play the bowls again.  Whatever sequence she was playing just overwhelmed me with emotion.  I wasn't necessarily sad, but I couldn't help but silently cry my eyes out.  This is the third time this has happened to me during a meditation, BTW, and I believe the first time was also during a fourth chakra meditation.  Shortly there after my heart started palpitating like crazy!  Clearly I was very blocked in this area (it's been a while since I've aligned myself).  At any rate, I felt very peaceful after the meditation was over and I am happy to report that I had, for the first time in a very long time, a really good night's sleep with out any sleep aids.

So, what's my point?  I don't have one.  I just wanted to share my awesome experience from the other night while touching a tad on some meditation information.

Much love and light~

Tammy

Three years later

Three years later, I wish I could come to you with some superior words of wisdom.  I wish I could come to you with some poetic, yet meaningful, post that resonates with all of you and makes you a little wiser.  Unfortunately I can't do any of those things.

I knew today was coming up fast and I had some mixed emotions about it.  I didn't want to sit and sulk like I have done for the past two.  In fact, I saw a post somewhere about doing a random act of kindness on 2/5/14 so I decided that maybe this is what I'll do to honor my brother instead of rehashing everything.  Not that my intent is to rehash it every year but contrary to popular belief, I can't just stop remembering it.  I'll never forget it and those who think I could possibly not think about it or him daily must have never lost anyone close otherwise they wouldn't make such an idiotic comment.

At any rate, my plan was to do RAKs today as my way of honoring Dennis since I wanted to do something "for" him.  Little did I know, that would prove to be impossible to do today.  I woke up this morning to find a text from my boss saying I could stay home because the weather was crappy.  WOOHOO my very first snow day!  I was so excited by it, I did what any kid would do on a snow day...go make some hot chocolate and dance around in glee!  After making Justin's lunch I decided I was going to snuggle with the cat and play online a bit.  That's when I saw the date.  I knew yesterday what today was, but the joyous text I got this morning sort of put it in the back of my mind instead of the front.  So...being stuck in the house...now what?  I didn't feel the same looming feelings of years prior so I went on to have a very relaxing and enjoyable day.  I didn't do a damn thing all day but watch movies, snuggle with the cats and generally laze about.  In other words, I had a really good day on a day that's supposed to be solemn.  I feel relaxed and rejuvenated which is something I rarely feel.  Did I think about him today?  Of course I did, but I think I can honestly say I have gotten to a point in my grief where I've completely come to terms with what happened and I feel at peace with it.  It only took three years, but hey...every one's journey is different and I'm okay with that.

I guess, in a way, I honored my brother by not consuming myself with what this day will always mean to me...to us.  I know he wouldn't want any of us mourning all over again every year and hell maybe he put a bug in my boss' ear to give me the day off to do exactly what I needed to do today.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of him, that I don't see the number 13, that something doesn't remind me of him and that I don't feel him around.  I'll miss him every.single.day for the rest of my life.  And, one day, hopefully many many years down the road, I hope he's there to meet me on the other side...where I will promptly thump his forehead for being an ass and then give him a big hug...because that's what bratty younger sisters do!  <3

Much love and light~

Tammy

I don't understand

I'm really having a hard time understanding how some people go through life, living it the way they live it and have no problems or see no problems with how they are.  I guess that can be said for everyone.  But, I'm not understanding how some people can be so mean, so belittling, so rude and down right nasty.  I also don't understand how when said people are essentially called out on this problem, they turn around and become nastier, ruder, meaner and drop their age by about 50 years and throw a tantrum like a 2 year old.

Okay, I get that no one likes to have the truth pointed out to them especially if they are the asshole in the equation.  But at what point do you let that go and move on?  Why are these people so hellbent on making everyone else miserable and ruining such a good thing in the process?  The same people, who in their tantrum, claim they are about the greater good?  Why can they not see that they were and are still part of the problem?  Why would anyone want to put forth so much effort on being a total dickwad?

All of this constant bickering, backstabbing and the like is doing nothing but leaving me with an even bigger migraine than I had before and making me second guess everything that has gone on.  Should I have just went along with the ride like so many others have before me?  Or quit like so many others did instead?  I pride myself on not having any regrets because everything that has ever happened in my life or will ever happen in my life happens for a reason.  But, I have to be honest and say this is quickly starting to look like my first one.  I know things get worse before they get better and I'm usually the one driving the positive float on the piss parade but this is really starting to get to me.  I feel like I'm back in grade school trying to hide from the bully.  I guess the only thing I can hope for, right now, is seeing a light at the end of that famous tunnel.

I don't even know how to end this.  I've never been flabbergasted so many times in my entire life than I have over the past month.   I just don't even know what to say anymore.

Much love and light~

Tammy