Back to school anxiety

As I see so many people post their kids' back to school pictures with all of their happy, smiling faces, it brings me back to my school days.  I'm sure, when I was little, I also had a happy smiling face.  BUT, I don't remember that.  I was just too young.  What I do remember is the flood of anxiety that hit me weeks prior that just got worse as that dreaded first day got closer and closer.  I'd get random waves of fear that would hit me at the top of the head and shoot down to my stomach.  The closer the day got, the more it happened.  I was already playing scenarios in my head of what will happen.  Much like how my later years were and even a lot of times now, my head was consumed with scary thoughts of the unknown.  My brain doesn't do unknown because it will fill it with the most horrible things (that generally never happen).

I tend to think I was an overly sensitive (and still am) child.  As I've stated in my previous post (maybe the one before last) You can compliment me and my brain will turn that around in my head to something negative.  As a very young child, I grew a rather large mole on my face and curiosity from other kids made me self conscious about it.  Their curiosity was normal, I turned that into being picked on in my head.  Years later, that curiosity actually turned into being picked on... a lot.  Add that in with all my other anxieties and school was the pits.  Yes, I had my friends, but the act of me getting up to go was excruciating.  The nightmares the night before, the stomach aches, the dry heaving then the worrying about throwing up in front of people at school cycled back into myself and I'm pretty sure I was having mini panic attacks on the regular but I kept a lot of that internalized.  Once I was there, I was okay, from what I remember but I clung to teachers and the like because I thought if I did that they'd protect me from the teasing which did nothing but segregate me more and make it harder for me to fit in.  Like I said, I did have a core group of friends but we were rarely in the same class and I would just hope we'd have recess together.   I never did all the things I had an interest in because of the fear surrounding it.  I wanted to play soccer, I wouldn't try out.  Chorus sounded like fun, wouldn't try out.  The only thing I did was band and that was because my best friend at the time did it as well so I figured we'd at least get to see each other at some point.  These anxieties got worse as I got older and the teasing got worse because kids are mean.   The mole teasing was still there but as I got into middles school, I was then teased for not having a boyfriend which eventually turned into being teased for not having sex.  Yes, you read that right...middle school.  There was a group of catty bitches who just loved to see me walk by and start their antics.  Now that I look back at it years later, I know they were just highly insecure with themselves so they picked on the ones who wouldn't say anything back to them and that just happened to be me.  I remember my mom telling me, at one point, to just agree with what they say then they wouldn't have anything to go on.  So, I did.  I remember vividly being at a school dance and the teasing started...they were saying I was so ugly I had to have sex with frozen hot dogs (yes still in middle school) to which I told them that no, I didn't like how cold they were and preferred them to be hot instead.  It actually worked.  They had nothing to say to that.

School anxiety followed me all the way up through college.  My high school anxieties were fear of being alone and/or embarrassing myself and lunch was a HUGE panic issue for me.  I had a hard enough time eating in front of people I knew (also anxiety related) let alone strangers.  If I didn't see anyone I knew well, I'd hide in the bathroom until the bell rang.  Ugh, even thinking about it now knots my stomach.  You know, to this day...at 37...I STILL have school nightmares.  Not remembering my locker combinations, forgetting where my classes are, and being stuck at lunch with no one.  Horrible!

As I look back, it's amazing to me how much I purposely put memories aside and chose to forget them.  I see why, but as I was thinking about this over the past few days with all the kids going back to school, I had memories fly back that I completely forgot about.  I do this a lot with a lot of my anxiety issues.  I asked my husband last night if I was really that bad.  He confirmed that with a big fat "worse".  I asked him how so and he told me because my anxieties never left...ever.  I was anxious from the time I got up to the time I went to bed (which I didn't sleep).  There was no wavering with moods with me, they were always foul.  Of course, back then, I had absolutely no idea there was anything wrong.  I genuinely assumed this was life and everyone felt like this.  All of these anxiety blogs and memories and conclusions are ones I made in the present time because I couldn't recognize an issue.  Looking back, after getting out of most of my anxiety issues, is when it started to dawn on me that things weren't right from quite some time.  To be honest, I don't ever remember a time where I didn't have some sort of anxiety issues.  It's sad, really...but in a way not.  I'm a firm believer everything happens for a reason and my past struggles made me who I am right now.  I still have a LOT of growing to do and my chat with my husband last night really made me feel good about how far I've actually come.  Even despite my little boo-hoo moment yesterday.  I don't like to re-hash things because it's the past and especially for him because I put him through the wringer on a daily basis, but I can also learn from how I was and it helps to have someone else point out things even if they hurt.  I'm so thankful the universe aligned and had me and him log in to the same BBS at the same time which got us talking because I really think that if he wasn't in my life, I would be no better than I was 10+ years ago.  Do I have my moments?  Sure...and they scare the both of us.  BUT, I also think that fear is what drives me (which sounds super odd coming from someone with an anxiety disorder who just said fear was bad)...but I don't ever want to go back there.  He certainly doesn't want to do that shit all over again...so it gives me a push in the right direction.

As usually, I started on one subject and kind of morphed into another but I just felt like I needed to get that off my chest and out there.

Much love and light~

~Tammy

Dallas...where's Alice?

WARNING:  This blog will follow my thought patterns which means it’ll be all over the damn place and endlessly long.  Read at your own risk ;)

About a month ago, I got a random text from my staff partner from Relay for Life asking me if I wanted to go to Dallas for the annual Relay for Life conference.  Giving my generic "but" answer I tend to give when the thought of something sounds good but makes me anxious “that’s so tempting but funds would not allow that” to which I was met with “ACS pays for everything.”  Well damn, that didn’t work!  So I pondered it for a few minutes and immediately text my friend who lives in Texas “How far are you from Dallas?”  “Like 5-10 min.   Mesquite is a suburb of big D.”  Hmmmmmm, I thought a little harder.  I wanted to go, initially, but I figured if the conference sucked I’d at least get to meet up with a friend and it would make the trip a little worth it.  So, I thought for a few more minutes, tried to get some work done, but I couldn’t get it out of my head.  I knew I had to act fast as there was only one spot left open for volunteers and I didn’t want me dragging my feet be the reason why I didn’t go.   I made my final and most important decision text to my husband.  Told him I had the opportunity to go but the only problem was it was only a few days after me getting back from Jersey so he’d have to take the dog the whole time and that I wouldn’t know anyone there and what his honest thoughts on me going was.  He promptly told me to go for it…to go meet new people and have fun.  He always pushes me to better myself and ensures me I can do things that I convince myself I can’t… so that’s when I gave my staff partner the final “let’s go for it” text.

I waited on pins and needles for the next couple of days because I wouldn’t know if I for sure was going until those asked before me declined (I’m assuming) and then I should get an invite email.  I tried to not think about it.  I was going with the theory of if I was meant to go, then I’d go.  If I wasn’t meant to go, then I wouldn’t get the invite. 

I got the invite.

Queue the panic!  I got the email on the date of the deadline and of course the thousands steps I needed to do in order to confirm my interest, hotel and flights was halted because the website wasn’t working which made me beyond anxious.  Several emails and texts back and forth with 4 different people for what seems like forever and I finally got through and was able to choose my classes, my room, and eventually my flights.  I could puke at the thought.

For anyone who knows me personally or who has read through my babblings on this page, you probably know the circle of events that back stroked their way through my brain.  To those of you who are new to this blog, you’re probably thinking what’s the big deal?  Well, to someone with an anxiety disorder this is a huge deal.  Little things are huge deals.  Sometimes walking out the front door is a huge deal.  As someone who was agoraphobic for years, that last one is a huge accomplishment for me let alone traveling a thousand miles by myself to stay a weekend in a place I don’t know, with people I have never met and having a roommate I only know the name of.  Huge deals here!

So, anyway, I went through a whole mess of emotions.  I was just coming off some other strong emotions as mentioned in my previous blog so this just heightened things for me.  Bad timing, I guess.  I would yo-yo from being really excited to being really nervous.  I even thought about how I could cancel without making myself look like an ass but that was short lived.  I knew I HAD to go.  Not because it was already booked and paid for, but because I knew this was something I had to do.  The wait is the worst.  Anticipatory anxiety, for me, is worse than panic attacks sometimes.  The whole unknown, the constant flip flop stomach, the random waves of fear that go from your head to your toes were all very prominent.  I tried to keep myself busy and not think of it at all, actually.  I tried some new oils out to help me which seemed to work for the most part but there was always that white elephant in the room…that huge white elephant with a lone star on its side just mocking me, reminding me what was coming and whispering all of these awful things that were going to happen.  Elephant: “psst…you know they won’t have your boarding passes right?  It’ll be like you never even got your plane tickets at all.”  “Psst…I bet the plane will crash, wouldn’t that be fun?”  “Psst…you might as well just get used to being alone; no one is going to want to be friends with you.  Pick your place to hide now and only come out when you need to.”  That elephant needed to STFU is what that elephant needed to do but unfortunately he didn’t shut it before my mind was half convinced of these things.

FF>> to the night before the trip.  I was packing…feeling okay and took a call from a friend asking me how I was doing.  He knew I was nervous.  He asked about my flights so I told him.  “Ummm I hate to tell you this, but you know that’s a prop plane, right?”  NOOOOOOOOO!  OMG I’M GOING TO DIE!  WHAT IS THIS WWI?  WHO HAS PROP PLANES? Surprisingly I slept pretty well that night. 

I had some nerves at the airport but not too bad, until I walked down the stairs to the tarmac and saw the dreaded propellers!  OH EM GEE!  You have GOT to be kidding me!  It’s a flying coffin.  Got settled and was okay until I saw the props starting to turn…then the shimmy…wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle…not a happy girl!  Take off was weird feeling, I thought I was going to have to get out and push.  “Ladies and gentlemen we will be traveling at 5000 feet…”  I had to laugh at that…5k… and let me tell you it’s much bumpier at 5000 than 34000.  Landing is something we don’t discuss.  I think my stomach is still back on the plane BUT I survived and thankfully my next flight was a regular ole normal jet with nothing to report. 

Landing in Dallas…before we even got out of the airport I could feel the heat.  OMG the heat!  I’ve never in my life felt anything like it.  Go bake some cookies… stand in front of the over once it’s at temp and put your face in the hot air.  Yeah, THAT’S Dallas!

Anyway, I hid from other relay people on my trip down but I figured I had to put on my big girl undies and start mingling now that I was where I was supposed to be and it was unavoidable.  I found a few “purple people” at the airport and flagged them down to find the shuttle to the airport.  Small talk started, wasn’t too bad and it was short lived.  Once we got to the hotel, those who I was awkwardly friendly with went their own way and I was on my own again.  Queue the elephant tapping on my shoulder telling me “I told you so.” So I decided to hurry up to my room (my roommate hadn’t checked in yet) to drop off my crap and pull myself together.  I stayed maybe 10 minutes…long enough to pee, unload my bag and put on some Valor for extra strength and I took a deep breath and decided now was as good a time as any to go down and register…before I lost my nerve anyway.  And, that’s what I did…I put caution to the wind and went down with a smile and tried to hide my anxieties and find kind faces to maybe gravitate towards.  I registered and headed to the relay store and by the time I finished there it was just about time for dinner.  Well, I’m hungry so let’s give this a try (one of my biggest anxiety quirks is eating in front of people.  Usually I’d starve before doing it).  I found our section and it was pretty empty so I found a table next to the buffet and got something to eat…by myself.  Well, the elephant was there.  ;)  Maybe 10 minutes later and a very nice woman asked to sit with me and about two minutes later another 4 joined and the one joined shortly after that.  It was nice we were sectioned off by division so even though we all weren’t from the same state, we were close and it gave us something in common other than relay.  I actually sat and chatted with these friendly people before going to our first meeting, also by division so we were all going to the same place which was nice. 

And that’s how my weekend started…once I put myself out there and let my guard down most of my anxieties went away.  Everyone and I do mean EVERYONE was very nice.  I think it was the fact we were all there for a common goal.  My general sessions were grouped with those I was familiarizing myself with from New England so it was nice to see familiar faces several times a day…faces I felt like I belonged to.  My breakout sessions had some people from my division but mostly not.  However, you’d be proud to know that I did not just sit there like a bump on a log, but I actually actively participated in all aspects in all of my classes.  “This is highly irregular, Dave.” But I really feel like I got a lot out of the classes.  I even…wait for it…got up and danced for hours during our second dinner/reception/party/doodad…whatever you want to call it.  I know, I almost fainted at the thought too.  By the time Friday night ended, I was feeling pretty good about myself and so proud of myself for tackling this like an adult.  By the next morning I didn’t even have to put any oils to go down to go to breakfast.  I knew I’d find my familiars who would welcome me to the table with no questions asked and I did.  I even found a buddy who I clicked with so well we had to friend each other on facebook before we left.  I mean, you can’t just lose contact with the person you accidentally crashed the top fundraisers photo op/awards/gifts gathering with.  ;)  My reward for passing this weekend with flying colors was a lunch out with my Texas girls and wine tasting before heading home.

So, what did I learn?  A lot!  I learned that even though I’m 10+ years past “recovering” from anxiety, it will always be there and I will always have to work at it, but that’s okay.  I learned that I can do anything I set my mind to.  I learned that my perceptions of people and situations are usually incorrect when my mind is infected with anxiety.  I learned that you “have” to dance to Madonna.  I learned that sniffing Crayola crayons can drop your blood pressure 10 points.  I learned that I can’t Dougie even if you teach me.  I learned that if I just drop my guard even just a little, great an amazing things can and will happen.  I learned that cinnamon is good for you so eat the ice cream.  I learned that no one on this green earth should be in Texas in August…ever…ever ever ever! 

So, I know some of you are wondering, again, why I share these things.  First and foremost I do it because it helps me tremendously.  If you don’t journal in some way, you should.  It allows me to go back and see the things I’ve over come or how I used to feel and how I’ve grown or even just to remind myself that yes I’ve felt this way before and survived.  The second reason why I share these publicly is because it always, in some way, helps someone else out.  Anxiety issues are more popular than you think!  We are just really good at hiding it.

Much love and light~

Tammy

It's days like these

That remind me how far I've actually come on this anxiety journey regardless of me going back through the program.  For this, I'm eternally grateful for having insomnia and seeing the infomercial, for me finally realizing what my problem was (7 years ago), and for my husband (then boyfriend) ordering me said program before I could even finish asking him if I could get it.  As much as I feel like I've gone backwards in some things, today really opened my eyes on how better I am - above and beyond what my desires were so long ago. 

Dad is off having surgery #3 on his spine.  This time, in his neck due to a pinched nerve.  The previous two surgeries were for his back.  Same surgeon, same hospital, so third time around I'm pretty familiar with how things go.  However, both times previously (once before the program, once after) I was with my mom.  Unfortunately her boss is on vacation and there was no way she could be here and open the store at the same time.  So, my awesome husband dropped dad and I off and I went in it alone.  I had a lot of anticipatory anxiety last night going through scenarios in my head (that never happened as they often don't) about me getting lost, not finding the waiting room, etc.  Not to mention the fact that hospitals give me the wicked heebies in general.  As I sit here in the waiting room typing this out, I have to giggle about myself catastrophizing the whole day yesterday because nothing went wrong.  Everything went smooth.  So silly that we do this to ourselves every.damn.time for absolutely no good reason other than our minds feel the need to consume itself with negativity.

Since I knew I was going to have a long wait, I brought my work book in with me to do my homework.  Yes, the program gives you homework.  As I was going through the questions (pretty much just rating how you are feeling now and how this program will help) I was a bit dissatisfied about some of my answers on how I'm feeling in general.  However, when we got to the part of limitations and rating anxiety levels during certain situations, I had to smile.  When I first came across this pages years prior, 98% of what was listed was a limitation for me and anxiety at the highest level.  Now, only two things on the list is something I would consider a limitation and even at that they still aren't things I'd completely avoid.  Not to mention the fact that my anxiety level is mild/moderate not severe like it used to be.  So *happy dance* for me!

This post really has no purpose other to remind myself that I'm not a defective as I think I am and to occupy my mind some while I'm waiting for the surgeon to come back and talk to me after the surgery is over.

Proud chicky today! *insert cheesy grin*

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

Past, Present, and Future

The past, present, and future can mean a lot of things to a lot of people.  More often than not, you'll see it honored in some way such as the three stone necklaces and rings.  I, myself, have three ladybugs tattooed on my foot to remind me of where I came from, where I am now, and my dreams for the future.  However, this blog post is not about honoring or remembering, this blog post is about how you are living you're life.


The Past
If you are constantly thinking of,  re-playing things in your head, or just generally living life in the past, you are showing depression.  No, I don't mean that looking back on fond memories means you're depressed.  Remember, I am speaking from the perspective of someone with an anxiety disorder.  I am talking about how one little issue can be replayed over and over in our heads along with the million of other scenarios we "should have" done instead.

Raise your hand if you've gotten ready for bed and stayed up for hours re-playing the day and beating yourself up for things you didn't say, should have done, could have done better.   *raises hand*  Instead of moving on we tend to dwell on "issues" that no one even noticed or if they did, they don't care about.  Yet, we will torture ourselves for hours, days, or even weeks and months over something so trivial that no one else even remembers.  This constant scolding we do to ourselves makes us feel bad, worthless, and like we can't do anything right.  Hell, there are times now that an incident will randomly pop up in my head from years ago and I think STILL beat myself up for not doing x, y, and z.  For example, several years ago I was on my way to work and stopped at a red light.  There was a little old lady walking on the sidewalk and she lost her balance.  She didn't fall, but she stumbled a bit.  To this day I beat myself up for not getting out of my car and helping that poor woman and I'm in a far better place than I used to be.  Times that about 1000 for what people in the midst of an anxiety do to themselves daily, if not hourly.  You can't go back and change what once was, that only happens in the movies.  As hard as it is, and I know it's hard, you need to accept the things that have happened and move forward having learned a lesson from it.

The Future
If you are constantly thinking about what ifs, what will bes, and generally living life in the future, you're showing anxiety.  This is where most of us anxiety sufferers live.  Well, I guess that's a beyond obvious statement!  Anticipatory anxiety is a horrendous thing.  Tell us we are about to go somewhere or do something and in 10 minutes time we've already played out the whole thing in our heads about 20 times.  We set ourselves up for failure in our heads before we even leave to go do something.  And what does this do?  Depends on where you are anxiety wise, but in a lot of cases it leads to a panic attack and then forces us to back out which then starts the past paragraph and we get depressed about it.  Either way we are going to feel like we are stuck.  The funny thing about the future and anticipatory anxiety is 99% of the time none of the things we played in our heads ever happen and more often than not, once we warm up to the situation, we end up having a good time.  I don't know why we insist on sabotaging ourselves every.damn.time but we do. 

Here's an example.  The husband says "hey we got invited to this picnic, let's go!"  Instead of saying "yeah ok, sounds like fun" my thought pattern went directly to "I won't know anyone there and no one is going to like me.  What if I have a panic attack there, people will think I'm crazy.  No one is going to talk to me, like my hair, like my make up or my clothes and they'll all be staring at me.  What if I say something stupid and people laugh at me?"  etc, etc, etc.  These thoughts start to scare me which start to release hormones and eventually will make me sick over the whole thing.  By the time I get around to answering my husband, I'm already nauseated, my heart is palpitating, I'm sweating, getting waves of fear and am probably on my way to a panic attack.  Not a whole lot of fun at all.  However, the only way to get past this and get better from this type of behavior is to feel the fear and do it any way.  You may feel awkward at first but trust me you'll be so damn proud of yourself for doing it!

The Present
Ok, let me try this paragraph again.  I typed it all out and blogger deleted it somewhere between me saving it and then posting it. 

At any rate, if you are soaking in the world around you, taking things one day at a time, and generally living life in the present, you are at peace. 

This a great place to be and one that you should be striving for in your anxiety disorder journey.  I'm not saying that every day is going to be kittens and sunshine, but if you can get to a point where the present moments start to out weigh the past and present, you are definitely on track!  A good thing to do is to start focusing on the positives in your day, or better yet purposely make time for them.  Go for a walk, actually go out and smell the roses, watch the clouds go by, play with your kids and pets.  Whatever it is you decide to do, as long as you are in the present moment and forgetting the rest, your mind, body, and soul will thank you for it.

Much Love and Light~

Tammy