Dallas...where's Alice?

WARNING:  This blog will follow my thought patterns which means it’ll be all over the damn place and endlessly long.  Read at your own risk ;)

About a month ago, I got a random text from my staff partner from Relay for Life asking me if I wanted to go to Dallas for the annual Relay for Life conference.  Giving my generic "but" answer I tend to give when the thought of something sounds good but makes me anxious “that’s so tempting but funds would not allow that” to which I was met with “ACS pays for everything.”  Well damn, that didn’t work!  So I pondered it for a few minutes and immediately text my friend who lives in Texas “How far are you from Dallas?”  “Like 5-10 min.   Mesquite is a suburb of big D.”  Hmmmmmm, I thought a little harder.  I wanted to go, initially, but I figured if the conference sucked I’d at least get to meet up with a friend and it would make the trip a little worth it.  So, I thought for a few more minutes, tried to get some work done, but I couldn’t get it out of my head.  I knew I had to act fast as there was only one spot left open for volunteers and I didn’t want me dragging my feet be the reason why I didn’t go.   I made my final and most important decision text to my husband.  Told him I had the opportunity to go but the only problem was it was only a few days after me getting back from Jersey so he’d have to take the dog the whole time and that I wouldn’t know anyone there and what his honest thoughts on me going was.  He promptly told me to go for it…to go meet new people and have fun.  He always pushes me to better myself and ensures me I can do things that I convince myself I can’t… so that’s when I gave my staff partner the final “let’s go for it” text.

I waited on pins and needles for the next couple of days because I wouldn’t know if I for sure was going until those asked before me declined (I’m assuming) and then I should get an invite email.  I tried to not think about it.  I was going with the theory of if I was meant to go, then I’d go.  If I wasn’t meant to go, then I wouldn’t get the invite. 

I got the invite.

Queue the panic!  I got the email on the date of the deadline and of course the thousands steps I needed to do in order to confirm my interest, hotel and flights was halted because the website wasn’t working which made me beyond anxious.  Several emails and texts back and forth with 4 different people for what seems like forever and I finally got through and was able to choose my classes, my room, and eventually my flights.  I could puke at the thought.

For anyone who knows me personally or who has read through my babblings on this page, you probably know the circle of events that back stroked their way through my brain.  To those of you who are new to this blog, you’re probably thinking what’s the big deal?  Well, to someone with an anxiety disorder this is a huge deal.  Little things are huge deals.  Sometimes walking out the front door is a huge deal.  As someone who was agoraphobic for years, that last one is a huge accomplishment for me let alone traveling a thousand miles by myself to stay a weekend in a place I don’t know, with people I have never met and having a roommate I only know the name of.  Huge deals here!

So, anyway, I went through a whole mess of emotions.  I was just coming off some other strong emotions as mentioned in my previous blog so this just heightened things for me.  Bad timing, I guess.  I would yo-yo from being really excited to being really nervous.  I even thought about how I could cancel without making myself look like an ass but that was short lived.  I knew I HAD to go.  Not because it was already booked and paid for, but because I knew this was something I had to do.  The wait is the worst.  Anticipatory anxiety, for me, is worse than panic attacks sometimes.  The whole unknown, the constant flip flop stomach, the random waves of fear that go from your head to your toes were all very prominent.  I tried to keep myself busy and not think of it at all, actually.  I tried some new oils out to help me which seemed to work for the most part but there was always that white elephant in the room…that huge white elephant with a lone star on its side just mocking me, reminding me what was coming and whispering all of these awful things that were going to happen.  Elephant: “psst…you know they won’t have your boarding passes right?  It’ll be like you never even got your plane tickets at all.”  “Psst…I bet the plane will crash, wouldn’t that be fun?”  “Psst…you might as well just get used to being alone; no one is going to want to be friends with you.  Pick your place to hide now and only come out when you need to.”  That elephant needed to STFU is what that elephant needed to do but unfortunately he didn’t shut it before my mind was half convinced of these things.

FF>> to the night before the trip.  I was packing…feeling okay and took a call from a friend asking me how I was doing.  He knew I was nervous.  He asked about my flights so I told him.  “Ummm I hate to tell you this, but you know that’s a prop plane, right?”  NOOOOOOOOO!  OMG I’M GOING TO DIE!  WHAT IS THIS WWI?  WHO HAS PROP PLANES? Surprisingly I slept pretty well that night. 

I had some nerves at the airport but not too bad, until I walked down the stairs to the tarmac and saw the dreaded propellers!  OH EM GEE!  You have GOT to be kidding me!  It’s a flying coffin.  Got settled and was okay until I saw the props starting to turn…then the shimmy…wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle…not a happy girl!  Take off was weird feeling, I thought I was going to have to get out and push.  “Ladies and gentlemen we will be traveling at 5000 feet…”  I had to laugh at that…5k… and let me tell you it’s much bumpier at 5000 than 34000.  Landing is something we don’t discuss.  I think my stomach is still back on the plane BUT I survived and thankfully my next flight was a regular ole normal jet with nothing to report. 

Landing in Dallas…before we even got out of the airport I could feel the heat.  OMG the heat!  I’ve never in my life felt anything like it.  Go bake some cookies… stand in front of the over once it’s at temp and put your face in the hot air.  Yeah, THAT’S Dallas!

Anyway, I hid from other relay people on my trip down but I figured I had to put on my big girl undies and start mingling now that I was where I was supposed to be and it was unavoidable.  I found a few “purple people” at the airport and flagged them down to find the shuttle to the airport.  Small talk started, wasn’t too bad and it was short lived.  Once we got to the hotel, those who I was awkwardly friendly with went their own way and I was on my own again.  Queue the elephant tapping on my shoulder telling me “I told you so.” So I decided to hurry up to my room (my roommate hadn’t checked in yet) to drop off my crap and pull myself together.  I stayed maybe 10 minutes…long enough to pee, unload my bag and put on some Valor for extra strength and I took a deep breath and decided now was as good a time as any to go down and register…before I lost my nerve anyway.  And, that’s what I did…I put caution to the wind and went down with a smile and tried to hide my anxieties and find kind faces to maybe gravitate towards.  I registered and headed to the relay store and by the time I finished there it was just about time for dinner.  Well, I’m hungry so let’s give this a try (one of my biggest anxiety quirks is eating in front of people.  Usually I’d starve before doing it).  I found our section and it was pretty empty so I found a table next to the buffet and got something to eat…by myself.  Well, the elephant was there.  ;)  Maybe 10 minutes later and a very nice woman asked to sit with me and about two minutes later another 4 joined and the one joined shortly after that.  It was nice we were sectioned off by division so even though we all weren’t from the same state, we were close and it gave us something in common other than relay.  I actually sat and chatted with these friendly people before going to our first meeting, also by division so we were all going to the same place which was nice. 

And that’s how my weekend started…once I put myself out there and let my guard down most of my anxieties went away.  Everyone and I do mean EVERYONE was very nice.  I think it was the fact we were all there for a common goal.  My general sessions were grouped with those I was familiarizing myself with from New England so it was nice to see familiar faces several times a day…faces I felt like I belonged to.  My breakout sessions had some people from my division but mostly not.  However, you’d be proud to know that I did not just sit there like a bump on a log, but I actually actively participated in all aspects in all of my classes.  “This is highly irregular, Dave.” But I really feel like I got a lot out of the classes.  I even…wait for it…got up and danced for hours during our second dinner/reception/party/doodad…whatever you want to call it.  I know, I almost fainted at the thought too.  By the time Friday night ended, I was feeling pretty good about myself and so proud of myself for tackling this like an adult.  By the next morning I didn’t even have to put any oils to go down to go to breakfast.  I knew I’d find my familiars who would welcome me to the table with no questions asked and I did.  I even found a buddy who I clicked with so well we had to friend each other on facebook before we left.  I mean, you can’t just lose contact with the person you accidentally crashed the top fundraisers photo op/awards/gifts gathering with.  ;)  My reward for passing this weekend with flying colors was a lunch out with my Texas girls and wine tasting before heading home.

So, what did I learn?  A lot!  I learned that even though I’m 10+ years past “recovering” from anxiety, it will always be there and I will always have to work at it, but that’s okay.  I learned that I can do anything I set my mind to.  I learned that my perceptions of people and situations are usually incorrect when my mind is infected with anxiety.  I learned that you “have” to dance to Madonna.  I learned that sniffing Crayola crayons can drop your blood pressure 10 points.  I learned that I can’t Dougie even if you teach me.  I learned that if I just drop my guard even just a little, great an amazing things can and will happen.  I learned that cinnamon is good for you so eat the ice cream.  I learned that no one on this green earth should be in Texas in August…ever…ever ever ever! 

So, I know some of you are wondering, again, why I share these things.  First and foremost I do it because it helps me tremendously.  If you don’t journal in some way, you should.  It allows me to go back and see the things I’ve over come or how I used to feel and how I’ve grown or even just to remind myself that yes I’ve felt this way before and survived.  The second reason why I share these publicly is because it always, in some way, helps someone else out.  Anxiety issues are more popular than you think!  We are just really good at hiding it.

Much love and light~

Tammy

Lesson 2

As I stated in my last blog I had...well, have...mixed emotions starting the program again.  I, however, didn't bet on having such a hard time with it.  I feel like I did seven years ago with out the limitations I had.  I feel happy, then angry, then lost and anything else you can find in between.  I'm having doubts even though I know the program works.  Regardless of my feelings at the moment, I'm living proof it works.  I had to ask my husband if I was a complete yo-yo when I started last time.  He assured me I was.  And, by yo-yo I mean having emotional highs and lows not being a doofus, although I'm good at that too.

I'm on lesson 3 now, but I wanted to re-cap lesson 2.

I'm sure I spoke about panic attacks before and I'm sure I'll talk about them again.   It's important to know that EVERYONE has had a panic or anxiety attack at some time in their lives whether they have an anxiety disorder or not.  It is also important to know that YOU CAUSE THIS!  The Fight or Flight system that our complicated bodies have is a magnificent thing.  It's great when we truly need it when in a life or death situation or something else of that magnitude.  However, we tend to over use and abuse this power we have.  We lie to ourselves so intensely and consistently that we believe what we are thinking is real and it starts the cycle.  Our bodies are duped into thinking there is an actual crisis and it starts dumping hormones into our important organs causing them to engorge, pump, and react faster than ever before.  Adrenaline starts pouring into our blood stream which boosts our energy level a million times over so that if we do need to flee, we have the resources to do so.  The problem is, we are sitting at our desk thinking about a tiny twinge in our foot that must now be cancer.  Because we've scared ourselves over a complete lie, our bodies are now high strung and on edge.  BUT, we aren't doing anything to burn it off because there is no danger in reality, just in our highly imaginative minds.  This leads us to forget about what caused the panic cycle to begin with and now we are focused on the body symptoms that come along with the Fight or Flight response.  "My heart is beating fast, I'm going to have a heart attack."  "My head is spinning, I'm going to faint."  "My breathing is short, what if it stops?"  Etc., etc., etc.

Panic attacks are no fun and I wouldn't wish them upon my worst enemy.  They scare the life out of us, get us all worked up for what seems like forever but only lasts maybe 20 minutes and then exhausts us into depression.  The good news is no one has ever died of a panic attack, they don't last forever, and you do have the power to control and eventually eliminate them.  Body symptoms are completely normal.  Once you learn to float with the feelings and not be so afraid of them, the panic attacks will start to lessen.  Talk to yourself to remind yourself that "of course my heart is pounding, I scared myself."  "Of course I'm dizzy, I'm having a panic attack and it will pass."  Stop shadow boxing your scary thoughts, you won't win.  Turn away and give them no power.

They key to getting rid of panic attacks is accepting the fact that you have them and you can either make it better or make it worse simply by how you think.  Once you have a external stressor (I think I made that word up) keep it there.  If you start to get body symptoms because you are entering a panic attack recognize that it's just anxiety and accept that it's perfectly normal to feel this way.  Be kind to yourself and tell yourself it's okay to feel this way.  Make sure you remember to breath (circle breathing or 2/4 breathing) is best which is breathing through your nose for 2 seconds, and then out of your mouth for 4 seconds...TRUE seconds, this isn't a race.  Make sure you be as positive and kind to yourself as you can.  If it's still not eliminating your symptoms then get up and do something.  Help burn that energy off.  Clean the house, go for a walk, play with your kids, etc.  Don't forget to laugh at yourself.  Humor, although panic attacks are not a funny thing especially in the beginning, is a great way to counteract anxious/negative feelings.  It's like anxiety's kryptonite.

I promise the more your practice this the better it gets.  Sometimes I couple humor into the beginning of a panic attack.  "Oh, it's YOU again, huh?  Well c'mon show me what you got!  You wanna go?"  It's OKAY to be silly with it.  That probably helps me most often, but it didn't at the beginning so if that doesn't work for you, figure out what does.  YOU ARE IN CONTROL!  And, you can do this!

Much Love and Light

~Tammy

Completely in tune...not always a good thing

Let's talk about heightened sensitivity tonight, shall we? 

I want to bring each and every one of you back in time a little bit until you find yourself sitting in your high school math class.  Doesn't matter which one.  You've been sitting in class for 15 minute already and have either been hearing your teacher explain something you've never heard of before, or have been listening to her "wah wah wah wah" like all the teachers do on Peanuts.  Regardless, you've been hearing nothing but her chat about something you are convinced you will never use again in your life time.  This is how "normal" people go through out life.  They listen to what is around them, take in outside noise, and disregard or simply don't even notice much of anything else. 

Now let's go back to math class.  One of your classmates every so lovingly brings to your attention the fluorescent lights making that buzzing sound it always does.   Awesome, now that's all you hear!  Will it ever shut up?   This is how anxiety sufferers go through life especially with their own bodies.  Because we have such a heightened awareness and sensitivity to all things around us, those light and constant "buzzes" most people don't ever notice will consume us.  We feel, hear, taste, and smell what most people don't, won't, can't, or could care less about. 

Because our nerves are stimulated all.the.time due to our brains being on overdrive, it only makes sense that we would be more in tuned with our bodies.  This isn't necessarily a good thing.  Granted, it's nice to know who we are and what works for us on a daily basis.  However, with our compulsiveness (especially when it comes to health issues) it just causes more anxiety and stress.  A minor ache or pain will happen and our minds will instantly go to that part of our bodies and try to figure out why it happened and what it could be.  Most people might get that same reaction, but the process may last all of a few seconds.  When no answer is found, they simply move on with life.  Not us.  We're over achievers!  We will dwell on it for hours, days, months, even years and it's a guarantee if the pain, ailment, issue was bad enough...we'll always remember.   It's all a part of that hypochondriac part of anxiety coupled with fear about what it is that does us in.

In the program I did, it was said that if there is a major problem, chances are your body will know.  Meaning, if you are humming and hawning over a minor ache and pain for days or weeks on end, chances are it's not a big deal and you need to stop dwelling on it.  I'm not saying the pain isn't real, because I'm sure it is, I'm saying that you probably shouldn't be consuming you're entire life around this one thing.   It won't help you to focus and waste so much energy on it anyway so just acknowledge that you have it but then tell it you aren't giving it any energy today and focus on something else.  I know it sounds silly, but sometimes you just have to talk to yourself like that.  I, at least, find it helpful.

Here are a couple of things I've learned with myself that may help you out in this area.  If I've told you this already, I apologize.  Tax season leaves me with a short stack of functioning brain cells.  Anyway, if you have an ache/pain or an other ailment that's been nagging you for a while, take notice to when it is actually bothering you.  If you are wrapped up in a book, TV show, movie, the internet, or anything else and you aren't feeling the pain at all then chances are it's anxiety/tension/stress related.  You may not notice it at first but eventually you'll think to yourself "hey that headache went away" and it's usually followed by "oh crap it's back" because you are thinking about it again.  Here's another example... If pain A is suddenly gone because you now have pain B, chances are it is also anxiety/stress/tension related.  I spent many years going from one ailment to another simply because I was giving one ailment power until another one came along and I forgot about the first one.  When I was at my all time low, I don't think there was one day where something didn't hurt me. 

I'm not saying that every ache, pain, and issue you have is anxiety related and I'm not saying that you shouldn't visit your Dr. (a much more qualified person than I am) if you feel it it warranted.  I am just telling you what *I* personally have experienced in my life and hopefully can put some of your fears at ease knowing someone else has had the same or a similar issue.

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

We are the world...

and their problems are ours! 

Another symptoms, side effect, or whatever you'd like to call it, of an anxiety disorder is emotionally bonding ourselves to everything.  As if we didn't have enough emotional problems of our own, we feel the need to unnecessarily take on other people's problems too.  I'm not quite certain why we feel the need to do this.  Maybe it's because we secretly want to belong so we invite ourselves into everything hoping to fix it and be liked or maybe our brains are tired of our own problems that they try someone else's on for size for a while.  For whatever reason it is, it seems to be automatic and it ensures our brains and our bodies complete exhaustion.

Here are some examples of what I mean:

I'm driving to work and I see someone go right on red when there's a sign clearly stating "no right on red."  Ordinary people would call them an asshat and move on.  Not us!  We make that problem our own by fuming about it.  Re-living the incident in our heads over and over and dreaming of them being caught by the cops or a hundred other scenarios we could possible come up with for the next 20 minutes.  Why should they break the law and get away with it?  *fume, bitch, moan*  The only thing we are accomplishing by this is using unnecessary time and energy on something that has absolutely nothing to do with us.  It starts our adrenaline going, starts other hormones going, gets us riled up for no reason at all and will probably put us in a bad mood for at least an hour.

Friday, at work, I got a phone call from a client stating that he got another letter from the IRS.  I guess he's been getting letters (which my boss is aware of  and working on) about his 2009 tax returns.  He asks to drop it off, I tell him that's fine.  Seconds go by and a friend of his calls (who is also a client) and she tells me more about what is going on and how they are looking to seize his property.  Right now I am already starting to worry about this issue as if it is my own, when it has absolutely nothing to do with me.  My job is the answer the phone, write down the message, make sure my boss gets the letter and said message, and make sure he calls the client back.  THAT'S IT!  But, no, my brain is now all flustered worrying about this poor guy and his situation like it was happening to me.  So now my body has started with the adrenaline and the like as stated above, except instead of being mad, I'm now worried.

We have enough problems in our own lives, we do not need to take on the world's problems.  We know what worry, anger, anxiety, depression, etc. does to us in general, adding to it is just asking for trouble.  WE CANNOT CONTROL AND SOLVE EVERYTHING!  Even though we like to delude ourselves into thinking we can.  Let the appropriate people take care of the problems outside of your space, and you take care of your own problems.  Next time something happens and you start to get those "need to control the situation" feelings, stop yourself and tell yourself "it's their problem not mine!"  I'm not saying you should lack compassion and empathy, just stop taking on these problems as if they were your own.  Help only when it's asked, needed, or warranted.  If neither happens, step away.  If it's something stupid like example #1, step away.  You'll never heal if you continue to beat up your mind and body with needless worry and stress.  Work on solving your own problems before you take on the world.

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

Symptoms

As I mentioned previously, I spent most of my life battling an anxiety disorder.  However, it wasn't until about seven years ago did I know what it was that I had.  Unfortunately, I found out when I hit rock bottom, on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  Up until then, I always thought my feelings were the same as everyone else's and that I was just simply stressed.  Little did I know that it was much much more.  I guess that's how denial works.

So how bad did I have it?  To me?  Pretty bad.  However, I think the only two people who knew how bad I was was my husband, then boyfriend, and myself.  We may be falling a part on the inside, but us anxiety disorder sufferers can act with the best of them.  We can convince people we are perfectly fine.  We can also manipulate anyone.  Yes, I said it and if you suffer with it, don't try to deny it.  We can make anyone do anything we want them to.  It's not malicious in intent, it's because we are so damn fearful of doing things on our own we develop this "skill" to work things JUST right so that someone else will either 1) do it for us or 2) say we don't need to do it at all or 3) at least go with us so we have a crutch.  We can also make up any lie on the fly to get out of anything in the world and we are pretty damn convincing at it too!  Unless said person trying to tell said lies to someone who has done it themselves.  Yes, I know you're lying but I also know you can't help it so it gets over looked.  It's like trying to convince a recovered alcoholic that you are not an alcoholic.  Been there, done that, nice try.

So, back to symptoms.  My biggest symptom was being agoraphobic. 

ag·o·ra·pho·bi·a [ag-er-uh-foh-bee-uh]

noun Psychiatry .

an abnormal fear of being in crowds, public places, or open areas, sometimes accompanied by anxiety attacks.

Basically I was home bound 90% of the time.  I could manage to get up and go to work every day because I knew I had to and that there was no way around it.  But outside of going to work and back home and the millions of Dr. visits, I couldn't go anywhere by myself.  I couldn't go to the store, pump my own gas, go to parties, etc.  If I had to do any of those things, I would plan it so that someone was with me or that someone would do it for me (as stated above).  Mom would go grocery shopping with me and I always planned my gas trips to when I knew Justin would want to go somewhere and then I would suggest we take my car and get gas on the way.  I was down right TERRIFIED to do these things on my own.  I thought the whole world was staring at me all.the.time.  Like I was so darn special that everyone wanted to look at me, right? ;)  Regardless, that was in my head and what if I did something wrong?  What if I had a question?  I wouldn't talk to anyone and I assumed everyone was making fun of me for being insecure and not knowing things.  I'd rather just stay home.  

With all this added stress to my system (self inflicting as all anxiety is), I had a whole slew of physical symptoms.  I was in pain from something all.the.damn.time.  Headaches, migraines, vision issues, chest pains, muscle pains, jaw pain (TMJ), ears ringing, heart palpitations, twitching, talking funny, stiff neck, back issues, bowel issues (IBS), acne, walking issues, tingling hands, insomnia, stomach pains, nausea, nerve issues, feeling of unreality, panic attacks, hives, an extreme fear of death, I legitimately thought I was going crazy, leg pain, and because I was compromising my immune system with all of this added stress I was always sick (stomach illnesses, colds, flu, allergies, etc.) and I was extremely angry, depressed, and jealous at all times.  At the time I thought I was angry at everyone else.  In reality, I was angry at myself.  I'll get into that at another time because it needs an entire post. 

Who would have thought that all of that would be caused from anxiety?  I sure as hell didn't.  Our brains are far  more powerful than we give ourselves credit for.  If we get an idea in our head we can manifest it no problem.  I don't know how many symptoms I simply talked myself into.  I would obsess over a minor ache so much that it became a big deal.  I eventually figured this one out with the help of the CBT program I did (because they told me so) but personally saw it when I noticed that if I got into a movie or playing on the computer my symptoms would magically disappear.  Once I thought in my head "hey that pain is gone" it magically appeared again.  Just call me Criss Angel with out the weird moves and black clothing.

My second biggest issue was being a Hypochondriac. 

hy·po·chon·dri·ac [hahy-puh-kon-dree-ak]

adjective

1. Also, hy·po·chon·dri·a·cal  [hahy-poh-kuhn-drahy-uh-kuhl] Show IPA. Psychiatry .

a. pertaining to or suffering from hypochondria,  an excessive preoccupation with and worry about one's health: The comedy is aimed the hypochondriac demographic.

b. produced by hypochondria: Hypochondriac feelings overwhelmed her.

2. Anatomy, Zoology . of or pertaining to the hypochondrium.

noun

3. Psychiatry . a person suffering from or subject to hypochondria.

4. a person who worries or talks excessively about his or her health.

Not only did I have all of those symptoms listed above, but I convinced myself they weren't just symptoms of anxiety (again I didn't know at the time) but that I was dying from EVERYTHING!  Web MD was my BFF for many many years and I could convince myself that all of these scary diseases were what I had.  On the flip side, I was afraid to go to the ER so I never went because the thought of going would put me into a panic attack.  If things lasted a while, I'd go see my GP and usually for the same things over and over again.  If I had a pain in my head it was a brain tumor, pain in my right abdomen was always appendicitis (I still have my appendix BTW so yeah, that wasn't it).  I've had brain cancer, throat cancer, mouth cancer, stomach cancer, blood clots, aneurysms, strokes, heart attacks, MS, Parkinson's,  and a whole slew of other diseases you probably never heard of.  *NEVER GOOGLE SYMPTOMS* because it tends to give you the most horrendous diseases first and rarely ever says "hey asshole, ever think it's all in your head?  Calm down, and it'll go away"  Of course I wouldn't have believed that then anyway.  

I didn't type all that out to give you a oh woe is me picture of my life.  I own most of my disease.  I know that I ALONE caused my anxiety to get out of control.  I can't blame anyone else although I did at the time.  It's far easier to blame the world than to take credit for it yourself.  What I hope by typing all of that out is that someone out there reads this and get the whole "AH-HA!" I eventually had which started me down the road of recovery.  When I was watching that infomercial for the program I used (I'll get into that later) and I heard people who were exactly describing me...describing a lot of what I listed, I literally busted out into tears.  Holy Shit!  THAT IS ME!  I'm not crazy and I'M NOT ALONE!  I'm telling you right now if you have had any of those symptoms or any of those feelings you are most definitely not alone!  Millions of people have suffered the same as you, and I assure you that you aren't crazy.

So now that I got all of that out, like I said I hid it from most everyone, I can now move my pawn ahead 4 spaces on the candy lane path of a new chapter of recovery.

Much love and light~

Tammy