Back to school anxiety

As I see so many people post their kids' back to school pictures with all of their happy, smiling faces, it brings me back to my school days.  I'm sure, when I was little, I also had a happy smiling face.  BUT, I don't remember that.  I was just too young.  What I do remember is the flood of anxiety that hit me weeks prior that just got worse as that dreaded first day got closer and closer.  I'd get random waves of fear that would hit me at the top of the head and shoot down to my stomach.  The closer the day got, the more it happened.  I was already playing scenarios in my head of what will happen.  Much like how my later years were and even a lot of times now, my head was consumed with scary thoughts of the unknown.  My brain doesn't do unknown because it will fill it with the most horrible things (that generally never happen).

I tend to think I was an overly sensitive (and still am) child.  As I've stated in my previous post (maybe the one before last) You can compliment me and my brain will turn that around in my head to something negative.  As a very young child, I grew a rather large mole on my face and curiosity from other kids made me self conscious about it.  Their curiosity was normal, I turned that into being picked on in my head.  Years later, that curiosity actually turned into being picked on... a lot.  Add that in with all my other anxieties and school was the pits.  Yes, I had my friends, but the act of me getting up to go was excruciating.  The nightmares the night before, the stomach aches, the dry heaving then the worrying about throwing up in front of people at school cycled back into myself and I'm pretty sure I was having mini panic attacks on the regular but I kept a lot of that internalized.  Once I was there, I was okay, from what I remember but I clung to teachers and the like because I thought if I did that they'd protect me from the teasing which did nothing but segregate me more and make it harder for me to fit in.  Like I said, I did have a core group of friends but we were rarely in the same class and I would just hope we'd have recess together.   I never did all the things I had an interest in because of the fear surrounding it.  I wanted to play soccer, I wouldn't try out.  Chorus sounded like fun, wouldn't try out.  The only thing I did was band and that was because my best friend at the time did it as well so I figured we'd at least get to see each other at some point.  These anxieties got worse as I got older and the teasing got worse because kids are mean.   The mole teasing was still there but as I got into middles school, I was then teased for not having a boyfriend which eventually turned into being teased for not having sex.  Yes, you read that right...middle school.  There was a group of catty bitches who just loved to see me walk by and start their antics.  Now that I look back at it years later, I know they were just highly insecure with themselves so they picked on the ones who wouldn't say anything back to them and that just happened to be me.  I remember my mom telling me, at one point, to just agree with what they say then they wouldn't have anything to go on.  So, I did.  I remember vividly being at a school dance and the teasing started...they were saying I was so ugly I had to have sex with frozen hot dogs (yes still in middle school) to which I told them that no, I didn't like how cold they were and preferred them to be hot instead.  It actually worked.  They had nothing to say to that.

School anxiety followed me all the way up through college.  My high school anxieties were fear of being alone and/or embarrassing myself and lunch was a HUGE panic issue for me.  I had a hard enough time eating in front of people I knew (also anxiety related) let alone strangers.  If I didn't see anyone I knew well, I'd hide in the bathroom until the bell rang.  Ugh, even thinking about it now knots my stomach.  You know, to this day...at 37...I STILL have school nightmares.  Not remembering my locker combinations, forgetting where my classes are, and being stuck at lunch with no one.  Horrible!

As I look back, it's amazing to me how much I purposely put memories aside and chose to forget them.  I see why, but as I was thinking about this over the past few days with all the kids going back to school, I had memories fly back that I completely forgot about.  I do this a lot with a lot of my anxiety issues.  I asked my husband last night if I was really that bad.  He confirmed that with a big fat "worse".  I asked him how so and he told me because my anxieties never left...ever.  I was anxious from the time I got up to the time I went to bed (which I didn't sleep).  There was no wavering with moods with me, they were always foul.  Of course, back then, I had absolutely no idea there was anything wrong.  I genuinely assumed this was life and everyone felt like this.  All of these anxiety blogs and memories and conclusions are ones I made in the present time because I couldn't recognize an issue.  Looking back, after getting out of most of my anxiety issues, is when it started to dawn on me that things weren't right from quite some time.  To be honest, I don't ever remember a time where I didn't have some sort of anxiety issues.  It's sad, really...but in a way not.  I'm a firm believer everything happens for a reason and my past struggles made me who I am right now.  I still have a LOT of growing to do and my chat with my husband last night really made me feel good about how far I've actually come.  Even despite my little boo-hoo moment yesterday.  I don't like to re-hash things because it's the past and especially for him because I put him through the wringer on a daily basis, but I can also learn from how I was and it helps to have someone else point out things even if they hurt.  I'm so thankful the universe aligned and had me and him log in to the same BBS at the same time which got us talking because I really think that if he wasn't in my life, I would be no better than I was 10+ years ago.  Do I have my moments?  Sure...and they scare the both of us.  BUT, I also think that fear is what drives me (which sounds super odd coming from someone with an anxiety disorder who just said fear was bad)...but I don't ever want to go back there.  He certainly doesn't want to do that shit all over again...so it gives me a push in the right direction.

As usually, I started on one subject and kind of morphed into another but I just felt like I needed to get that off my chest and out there.

Much love and light~

~Tammy

Tired of being on ignore

What's the worst feeling in the world?  Being ignored...feeling like you are totally and utterly invisible.  It keeps creeping back in and I keep re-evaluating myself wondering what I am doing wrong and what other steps I can possibly take to remedy this.  I understand that people have lives and I don't expect everyone to get back to me right away or every time but when certain people do it all the time...ALL THE DAMN TIME...it hurts.  It hurts a lot!  You start questioning your self worth.  What makes everyone else so special and me not?  There's only so much jumping up and down waving my arms I can do to make you notice that I still exist!  I've been told I need to put myself out there.  That's awesome, and I'm trying that.  However, you have to meet me half way, I can't do it all.  I don't ask for much.  You have no idea how utterly happy it would make me if you just got back to me or liked something I directly posted to you or hell even tell me to go fuck myself at least I know you didn't just read it an ignore it like everything else.  I know you have no idea how much you are hurting me but you are.  And, as always, I'll think about it too much and turn it around and find it all to be my fault.  It never anyone else's fault...just how my mind works.  It's so damn frustrating.  I just want to be liked and thought of.  Seriously...that's it.  Is that seriously asking too much?

Dallas...where's Alice?

WARNING:  This blog will follow my thought patterns which means it’ll be all over the damn place and endlessly long.  Read at your own risk ;)

About a month ago, I got a random text from my staff partner from Relay for Life asking me if I wanted to go to Dallas for the annual Relay for Life conference.  Giving my generic "but" answer I tend to give when the thought of something sounds good but makes me anxious “that’s so tempting but funds would not allow that” to which I was met with “ACS pays for everything.”  Well damn, that didn’t work!  So I pondered it for a few minutes and immediately text my friend who lives in Texas “How far are you from Dallas?”  “Like 5-10 min.   Mesquite is a suburb of big D.”  Hmmmmmm, I thought a little harder.  I wanted to go, initially, but I figured if the conference sucked I’d at least get to meet up with a friend and it would make the trip a little worth it.  So, I thought for a few more minutes, tried to get some work done, but I couldn’t get it out of my head.  I knew I had to act fast as there was only one spot left open for volunteers and I didn’t want me dragging my feet be the reason why I didn’t go.   I made my final and most important decision text to my husband.  Told him I had the opportunity to go but the only problem was it was only a few days after me getting back from Jersey so he’d have to take the dog the whole time and that I wouldn’t know anyone there and what his honest thoughts on me going was.  He promptly told me to go for it…to go meet new people and have fun.  He always pushes me to better myself and ensures me I can do things that I convince myself I can’t… so that’s when I gave my staff partner the final “let’s go for it” text.

I waited on pins and needles for the next couple of days because I wouldn’t know if I for sure was going until those asked before me declined (I’m assuming) and then I should get an invite email.  I tried to not think about it.  I was going with the theory of if I was meant to go, then I’d go.  If I wasn’t meant to go, then I wouldn’t get the invite. 

I got the invite.

Queue the panic!  I got the email on the date of the deadline and of course the thousands steps I needed to do in order to confirm my interest, hotel and flights was halted because the website wasn’t working which made me beyond anxious.  Several emails and texts back and forth with 4 different people for what seems like forever and I finally got through and was able to choose my classes, my room, and eventually my flights.  I could puke at the thought.

For anyone who knows me personally or who has read through my babblings on this page, you probably know the circle of events that back stroked their way through my brain.  To those of you who are new to this blog, you’re probably thinking what’s the big deal?  Well, to someone with an anxiety disorder this is a huge deal.  Little things are huge deals.  Sometimes walking out the front door is a huge deal.  As someone who was agoraphobic for years, that last one is a huge accomplishment for me let alone traveling a thousand miles by myself to stay a weekend in a place I don’t know, with people I have never met and having a roommate I only know the name of.  Huge deals here!

So, anyway, I went through a whole mess of emotions.  I was just coming off some other strong emotions as mentioned in my previous blog so this just heightened things for me.  Bad timing, I guess.  I would yo-yo from being really excited to being really nervous.  I even thought about how I could cancel without making myself look like an ass but that was short lived.  I knew I HAD to go.  Not because it was already booked and paid for, but because I knew this was something I had to do.  The wait is the worst.  Anticipatory anxiety, for me, is worse than panic attacks sometimes.  The whole unknown, the constant flip flop stomach, the random waves of fear that go from your head to your toes were all very prominent.  I tried to keep myself busy and not think of it at all, actually.  I tried some new oils out to help me which seemed to work for the most part but there was always that white elephant in the room…that huge white elephant with a lone star on its side just mocking me, reminding me what was coming and whispering all of these awful things that were going to happen.  Elephant: “psst…you know they won’t have your boarding passes right?  It’ll be like you never even got your plane tickets at all.”  “Psst…I bet the plane will crash, wouldn’t that be fun?”  “Psst…you might as well just get used to being alone; no one is going to want to be friends with you.  Pick your place to hide now and only come out when you need to.”  That elephant needed to STFU is what that elephant needed to do but unfortunately he didn’t shut it before my mind was half convinced of these things.

FF>> to the night before the trip.  I was packing…feeling okay and took a call from a friend asking me how I was doing.  He knew I was nervous.  He asked about my flights so I told him.  “Ummm I hate to tell you this, but you know that’s a prop plane, right?”  NOOOOOOOOO!  OMG I’M GOING TO DIE!  WHAT IS THIS WWI?  WHO HAS PROP PLANES? Surprisingly I slept pretty well that night. 

I had some nerves at the airport but not too bad, until I walked down the stairs to the tarmac and saw the dreaded propellers!  OH EM GEE!  You have GOT to be kidding me!  It’s a flying coffin.  Got settled and was okay until I saw the props starting to turn…then the shimmy…wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle…not a happy girl!  Take off was weird feeling, I thought I was going to have to get out and push.  “Ladies and gentlemen we will be traveling at 5000 feet…”  I had to laugh at that…5k… and let me tell you it’s much bumpier at 5000 than 34000.  Landing is something we don’t discuss.  I think my stomach is still back on the plane BUT I survived and thankfully my next flight was a regular ole normal jet with nothing to report. 

Landing in Dallas…before we even got out of the airport I could feel the heat.  OMG the heat!  I’ve never in my life felt anything like it.  Go bake some cookies… stand in front of the over once it’s at temp and put your face in the hot air.  Yeah, THAT’S Dallas!

Anyway, I hid from other relay people on my trip down but I figured I had to put on my big girl undies and start mingling now that I was where I was supposed to be and it was unavoidable.  I found a few “purple people” at the airport and flagged them down to find the shuttle to the airport.  Small talk started, wasn’t too bad and it was short lived.  Once we got to the hotel, those who I was awkwardly friendly with went their own way and I was on my own again.  Queue the elephant tapping on my shoulder telling me “I told you so.” So I decided to hurry up to my room (my roommate hadn’t checked in yet) to drop off my crap and pull myself together.  I stayed maybe 10 minutes…long enough to pee, unload my bag and put on some Valor for extra strength and I took a deep breath and decided now was as good a time as any to go down and register…before I lost my nerve anyway.  And, that’s what I did…I put caution to the wind and went down with a smile and tried to hide my anxieties and find kind faces to maybe gravitate towards.  I registered and headed to the relay store and by the time I finished there it was just about time for dinner.  Well, I’m hungry so let’s give this a try (one of my biggest anxiety quirks is eating in front of people.  Usually I’d starve before doing it).  I found our section and it was pretty empty so I found a table next to the buffet and got something to eat…by myself.  Well, the elephant was there.  ;)  Maybe 10 minutes later and a very nice woman asked to sit with me and about two minutes later another 4 joined and the one joined shortly after that.  It was nice we were sectioned off by division so even though we all weren’t from the same state, we were close and it gave us something in common other than relay.  I actually sat and chatted with these friendly people before going to our first meeting, also by division so we were all going to the same place which was nice. 

And that’s how my weekend started…once I put myself out there and let my guard down most of my anxieties went away.  Everyone and I do mean EVERYONE was very nice.  I think it was the fact we were all there for a common goal.  My general sessions were grouped with those I was familiarizing myself with from New England so it was nice to see familiar faces several times a day…faces I felt like I belonged to.  My breakout sessions had some people from my division but mostly not.  However, you’d be proud to know that I did not just sit there like a bump on a log, but I actually actively participated in all aspects in all of my classes.  “This is highly irregular, Dave.” But I really feel like I got a lot out of the classes.  I even…wait for it…got up and danced for hours during our second dinner/reception/party/doodad…whatever you want to call it.  I know, I almost fainted at the thought too.  By the time Friday night ended, I was feeling pretty good about myself and so proud of myself for tackling this like an adult.  By the next morning I didn’t even have to put any oils to go down to go to breakfast.  I knew I’d find my familiars who would welcome me to the table with no questions asked and I did.  I even found a buddy who I clicked with so well we had to friend each other on facebook before we left.  I mean, you can’t just lose contact with the person you accidentally crashed the top fundraisers photo op/awards/gifts gathering with.  ;)  My reward for passing this weekend with flying colors was a lunch out with my Texas girls and wine tasting before heading home.

So, what did I learn?  A lot!  I learned that even though I’m 10+ years past “recovering” from anxiety, it will always be there and I will always have to work at it, but that’s okay.  I learned that I can do anything I set my mind to.  I learned that my perceptions of people and situations are usually incorrect when my mind is infected with anxiety.  I learned that you “have” to dance to Madonna.  I learned that sniffing Crayola crayons can drop your blood pressure 10 points.  I learned that I can’t Dougie even if you teach me.  I learned that if I just drop my guard even just a little, great an amazing things can and will happen.  I learned that cinnamon is good for you so eat the ice cream.  I learned that no one on this green earth should be in Texas in August…ever…ever ever ever! 

So, I know some of you are wondering, again, why I share these things.  First and foremost I do it because it helps me tremendously.  If you don’t journal in some way, you should.  It allows me to go back and see the things I’ve over come or how I used to feel and how I’ve grown or even just to remind myself that yes I’ve felt this way before and survived.  The second reason why I share these publicly is because it always, in some way, helps someone else out.  Anxiety issues are more popular than you think!  We are just really good at hiding it.

Much love and light~

Tammy