It's been a rough couple of weeks

The second leg of this anxiety journey has proven to be a harder one than I ever imagined.  I feel so frustrated and conflicted in a way I've never felt before.  I think it's because I know how I was but I also know what it's like to be free from anxiety so I'm constantly fighting with myself.  I feel like a dog that keeps chasing his tail.

It's clear that this time around I have far more depression than I did the first time around.  Last time I was so anxious and agoraphobic that I completely isolated myself in my house as well as within my own brain.  I was depressed, sure, as anxiety and depression go hand and hand, but I was far too anxiety ridden to even care about it.  I was plagued with limitations, irrational fears, scary thoughts, panic attacks and anything else you can think of so feeling down didn't really bother me too much.  This time I don't have the limitations I did, before.  I still get panic attacks but they are far and few between and I know exactly what they are and how to handle them.  I still have irrational fears, but I work on those so now it seems like all I feel is depressed, bummed out, moody, and angry.  I'm angry because I feel like I can't just snap out of it.  I realize I have deeper issues with the loss of my brother, with the loss of smokey, but in a way I think I'm mourning myself most of all.  I know this disorder is a life long illness.  Much like an alcoholic or a drug addict, I have a bad habit that is bad for my health.  It sucks me in at times and I have to fight my way to get out of it.  And, much like someone with this kind of addiction, it's so disappointing when a set back jumps up and wiggles in our faces.  I've been focusing so much on the negative and putting blinders on to the big picture.  My biggest fear at this point is that I'm not giving my "all" to the program like I did nine years ago (yeah I thought it was seven, but it's nine).  This has to stop right now.

Yesterday I had a long chat with my wonderful husband.  He described this set back in a way that I could understand.  I'm a very visual person so I usually need to have things spelled out, drawn out, or painted for me in order to understand.  He asked me to imagine my disorder like a wall I painted.  When it dried, I notice a few spots I missed.  I wouldn't go and re-paint the entire wall, I'd re-paint the spots I missed.  That made so much sense to me in terms of the program.  I'm listening to the entire thing (which you have to) but I'm going through parts I already painted and essentially healed.  It's going to be harder to pick out and utilize the parts I missed the first time and need right now.  It doesn't mean that I'm half assing the program, it simply means I'm not needing to re-paint these parts of the wall but it's great to refresh the area to make sure I got it all.  BUT, at the same time, I can't go into it thinking "I don't need to listen to this, I know it already" because I may tune out to that one important part that I need to give me that "ah ha" moment of healing.

I was contemplating starting over again and being more in tuned to the program, but Justin said that I shouldn't based on the above.  I think I will back step a lesson or two and really work on the ones I need at this point.  The angry lesson in particular.  I have to get back to a place where I'm not a reactionary person.  I need to put that filter back up because it doesn't make me feel good to be so angry and bothered, just as it doesn't make the person feel good I'm lashing out on.  I also need to start blogging more.  Getting my feelings out really helps, and I don't know why I stopped it.  I don't even journal in private so I'm bottling things up.  Never a good thing with an anxious mind. 

Bottom line is I just have to get up and do it.  I know how I'm feeling, and I know that I don't like it so I need to stop poo pooing about it and change it.  Will all my days be happy from now on?  Yeah right!  Not even close, but this is what we call life.  If we were happy all the time we wouldn't appreciate it as much.

I'll be away this weekend for a wedding, but I am hoping to start up my weekly Friday blog like I was doing over the winter.  Now that it's getting cooler and darker out sooner and I am no longer painting my house...I think I will have the time to do it.  I have to MAKE the time to do it.

Thanks for listening to me babble.

Much Love and Light
~Tammy

Lesson 2

As I stated in my last blog I had...well, have...mixed emotions starting the program again.  I, however, didn't bet on having such a hard time with it.  I feel like I did seven years ago with out the limitations I had.  I feel happy, then angry, then lost and anything else you can find in between.  I'm having doubts even though I know the program works.  Regardless of my feelings at the moment, I'm living proof it works.  I had to ask my husband if I was a complete yo-yo when I started last time.  He assured me I was.  And, by yo-yo I mean having emotional highs and lows not being a doofus, although I'm good at that too.

I'm on lesson 3 now, but I wanted to re-cap lesson 2.

I'm sure I spoke about panic attacks before and I'm sure I'll talk about them again.   It's important to know that EVERYONE has had a panic or anxiety attack at some time in their lives whether they have an anxiety disorder or not.  It is also important to know that YOU CAUSE THIS!  The Fight or Flight system that our complicated bodies have is a magnificent thing.  It's great when we truly need it when in a life or death situation or something else of that magnitude.  However, we tend to over use and abuse this power we have.  We lie to ourselves so intensely and consistently that we believe what we are thinking is real and it starts the cycle.  Our bodies are duped into thinking there is an actual crisis and it starts dumping hormones into our important organs causing them to engorge, pump, and react faster than ever before.  Adrenaline starts pouring into our blood stream which boosts our energy level a million times over so that if we do need to flee, we have the resources to do so.  The problem is, we are sitting at our desk thinking about a tiny twinge in our foot that must now be cancer.  Because we've scared ourselves over a complete lie, our bodies are now high strung and on edge.  BUT, we aren't doing anything to burn it off because there is no danger in reality, just in our highly imaginative minds.  This leads us to forget about what caused the panic cycle to begin with and now we are focused on the body symptoms that come along with the Fight or Flight response.  "My heart is beating fast, I'm going to have a heart attack."  "My head is spinning, I'm going to faint."  "My breathing is short, what if it stops?"  Etc., etc., etc.

Panic attacks are no fun and I wouldn't wish them upon my worst enemy.  They scare the life out of us, get us all worked up for what seems like forever but only lasts maybe 20 minutes and then exhausts us into depression.  The good news is no one has ever died of a panic attack, they don't last forever, and you do have the power to control and eventually eliminate them.  Body symptoms are completely normal.  Once you learn to float with the feelings and not be so afraid of them, the panic attacks will start to lessen.  Talk to yourself to remind yourself that "of course my heart is pounding, I scared myself."  "Of course I'm dizzy, I'm having a panic attack and it will pass."  Stop shadow boxing your scary thoughts, you won't win.  Turn away and give them no power.

They key to getting rid of panic attacks is accepting the fact that you have them and you can either make it better or make it worse simply by how you think.  Once you have a external stressor (I think I made that word up) keep it there.  If you start to get body symptoms because you are entering a panic attack recognize that it's just anxiety and accept that it's perfectly normal to feel this way.  Be kind to yourself and tell yourself it's okay to feel this way.  Make sure you remember to breath (circle breathing or 2/4 breathing) is best which is breathing through your nose for 2 seconds, and then out of your mouth for 4 seconds...TRUE seconds, this isn't a race.  Make sure you be as positive and kind to yourself as you can.  If it's still not eliminating your symptoms then get up and do something.  Help burn that energy off.  Clean the house, go for a walk, play with your kids, etc.  Don't forget to laugh at yourself.  Humor, although panic attacks are not a funny thing especially in the beginning, is a great way to counteract anxious/negative feelings.  It's like anxiety's kryptonite.

I promise the more your practice this the better it gets.  Sometimes I couple humor into the beginning of a panic attack.  "Oh, it's YOU again, huh?  Well c'mon show me what you got!  You wanna go?"  It's OKAY to be silly with it.  That probably helps me most often, but it didn't at the beginning so if that doesn't work for you, figure out what does.  YOU ARE IN CONTROL!  And, you can do this!

Much Love and Light

~Tammy