Now that my super anxious bout has subsided...and I no longer think I'm dying...I've been slowly trying to put on my big girl undies and move on with life. I'm having the worst case of winter blues I have every had in my entire life. All I want to do is sleep, but then again, my insomnia is back with a vengeance so that's not happening either. I have lost my desire to do a lot of things. I haven't run consistently since the end of October. It's a vicious cycle! I know that eating poorly (or not really at all) and not exercising is heightening my anxiety/depression issues yet I am letting those issues take over enough so I'm not getting up and putting the effort in to actually get off my ass and eat correctly. I am hoping February brings better feelings and positive changes regardless of it being tax season.
On a more positive note, I found the school that I felt was best suited for me and my needs to get my teaching certificate for meditation. I waited a few weeks to be sure. I kept doing research on it and re-reading the website and just looking around in general so I knew I was making the right decision for me. Not to mention the fact that Venus was in retrograde, so I didn't want that clouding my judgement in any way, even though I found this school way before that happened. I researched several schools but this one just spoke to me right off the bat. I felt a sense of peace reading up on it and getting an idea on what I would be doing to obtain my certificate. In other words, every fiber of my being was telling me this was the one. So...last week I bit the bullet and applied. I found it a tad strange that my application asked what my hobbies were. Is that normal? It's been a long time since I applied for school. I SOOOOO wanted to say something like "I like long walks on the beach..." but figured a university application was not the best place to be my normal sarcastic self. Good news is I was accepted!! I received my books a few days ago and plan on taking my time with the program. I already spoke with my professor and get a really good vibe from him. And, if that wasn't enough to completely convince me, the first chapter of one of my books completely resonated with me and my life. It was the final confirmation I guess I needed to say...yes...this is where you are meant to be. I'm very super excited about this journey and will probably write about it a lot. And, yes, I know I was "stupid", AGAIN, to start school during tax season but there are two reasons for that. 1) I want to earn this certificate sooner rather than later so I can start my business and 2) I think it may be beneficial to learn different meditation techniques during this time. I also have to do a minimum of 60 hours (can't log more than an hour a day) of meditation practice in order to be able to take my final exam. Hopefully I won't be as stressed out because of this.
At any rate, this is where I am today. Next week may be a different story, but I'll worry about that when I get there.
Love and light~
Tammy
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Monday, December 30, 2013
I'm seeing the light
Today was a good day. It's the first day in a probably a month where I didn't feel that general anxious feeling all day long. In fact, today is the first day I didn't have to tell myself to stop scaring myself...although the day is not over, yet. I really think I'm over the nasty hump and am on my way down the anxiety hill. This side of the hill is much nicer with luscious green grass and the most beautiful flowers you've ever seen. The sky is blue, the clouds are colorful and the temperature is nice and warm. It's nice to be here. Before I know it I'll be on that flat meadow where this is view most days. I can't wait.
Work was pretty boring (as it is this time of year) since most people are away for the holidays. BUT, I didn't spend my day consumed with fear. My boss even let me leave at 2:30pm which was nice. I had some down time at home before I had to head to the gym. I had a pretty awesome work out and even though I had a mini panic attack during it (I'm always afraid of passing out and when I exercise hard I feel a bit light headed) I finished my training session and felt pretty damn good after it. Now I'm sitting here trying to decide what to have for dinner. Why did I tell you all of that? Because it's the little things that we take for granted. Normal people go through this routine on a daily basis. Anxious people spend 24 hours a day worrying about things that feel very real to them, but may not be. Anxious people don't take down time at work to fiddle around and do nothing, they spend that time looking symptoms up on the Internet. Anxious people don't pat themselves on the back for feeling the panic attack, recognizing it and then overcoming it...they beat themselves up over it. 99% of what "normal" people do every day on autopilot anxious people don't feel/do. So, when we are feeling good and can be mindful about what we are doing, that's a huge thing for us. That is why I include things like that. It also reminds me that I did well today :) I'll never forget the first time I went out and pumped my own gas. I think I had permasmile for a week. Remember, for those just tuning in, I was agoraphobic. I could only leave the house by myself to go to work and to my parents house...oh and the Dr. because I'm a hypochondriac after all. My parents house was my safe place and I had to work so I had to go there. Everywhere else I went I had to have someone else with me or I wouldn't go and even with someone with me it was a horrific experience for me internally.
But, anyway, that was many years ago and we know that if we are stuck in the past we are depressed, if we are stuck in the future we are anxious but if you are living in the present, we are at peace.
Much love and light~
Tammy
Work was pretty boring (as it is this time of year) since most people are away for the holidays. BUT, I didn't spend my day consumed with fear. My boss even let me leave at 2:30pm which was nice. I had some down time at home before I had to head to the gym. I had a pretty awesome work out and even though I had a mini panic attack during it (I'm always afraid of passing out and when I exercise hard I feel a bit light headed) I finished my training session and felt pretty damn good after it. Now I'm sitting here trying to decide what to have for dinner. Why did I tell you all of that? Because it's the little things that we take for granted. Normal people go through this routine on a daily basis. Anxious people spend 24 hours a day worrying about things that feel very real to them, but may not be. Anxious people don't take down time at work to fiddle around and do nothing, they spend that time looking symptoms up on the Internet. Anxious people don't pat themselves on the back for feeling the panic attack, recognizing it and then overcoming it...they beat themselves up over it. 99% of what "normal" people do every day on autopilot anxious people don't feel/do. So, when we are feeling good and can be mindful about what we are doing, that's a huge thing for us. That is why I include things like that. It also reminds me that I did well today :) I'll never forget the first time I went out and pumped my own gas. I think I had permasmile for a week. Remember, for those just tuning in, I was agoraphobic. I could only leave the house by myself to go to work and to my parents house...oh and the Dr. because I'm a hypochondriac after all. My parents house was my safe place and I had to work so I had to go there. Everywhere else I went I had to have someone else with me or I wouldn't go and even with someone with me it was a horrific experience for me internally.
But, anyway, that was many years ago and we know that if we are stuck in the past we are depressed, if we are stuck in the future we are anxious but if you are living in the present, we are at peace.
Much love and light~
Tammy
Friday, December 27, 2013
Gratitude Jars
Firstly, I want to thank all of those who reached out to me about my post yesterday and shared their experiences. It is certainly nice to know that I am not the only one who has had these feelings and fears. I sat on the fence for a bit yesterday deciding whether or not I should share yesterday's babbles. Ultimately I decided that I needed to. When I first was aware that I had an anxiety disorder, I kept it a secret as much as I could. I didn't want people to think less of me or think I'm crazy. When I started to feel a bit better I started to open up more about it. Low and behold, the more people I told, the more people told me they had similar issues. Go figure! I decided then that I was no longer ashamed of my issues and would share them when needed. Obviously this blog is no different. Although it would be nice if if were all happy go lucky posts full of positivity, I know that is not reality. I will fight this disorder my entire life and to think I will never have set backs is unrealistic.
At any rate...Gratitude Jars. Last year I came across a post on Pinterest about a Gratitude Jar. It bothers me that every year around this time people claim that the year they are in was down right shitty and they hope next year is better. Every year. People (and I'm guilty of this too) focus way too much on the negatives and tend to forget about the positives. Yes, I understand that bad things happen to everyone every year, but I'm willing to bet it wasn't 365 days of crap. A gratitude jar is a jar or container that you keep out (Mine says "Life is Good") and starting on January 1st you write all the good things that happen to you on little pieces of paper and keep it in the jar. I also included trinkets like my shoe tag from my first Warrior Dash or my Maroon 5 ticket. I make sure I write the date on my notes because I plan on continuing this every year and this way I can keep all of the old notes in one place and not have to separate them into different boxes. On New Year's Eve, you open your jar and read all of the good things that happened to you that year. I always try to reflect on all the good things that happen to me through out the year on NYE but I think this is going to be a lot more fun. My jar is pretty full and I'm very much looking forward to seeing everything I wrote. I use scrap book paper so it looks pretty in the jar.
I challenge everyone reading this to try it this year. You have a few more days to go out and find a jar or container of your choice. I have a large mason jar, but the one I made for my niece for Christmas is a clear glass vase. Decorate it as you choose. Like I said, mine says "Life is Good" on it, but the one I made my niece simply says "Gratitude Jar". The choice is yours. Keep it in view so you remember to add to it. It may take some reminding at first but before you know it you'll be looking forward to getting home to add your good memories to it. I look forward to hearing your experiences!
At any rate...Gratitude Jars. Last year I came across a post on Pinterest about a Gratitude Jar. It bothers me that every year around this time people claim that the year they are in was down right shitty and they hope next year is better. Every year. People (and I'm guilty of this too) focus way too much on the negatives and tend to forget about the positives. Yes, I understand that bad things happen to everyone every year, but I'm willing to bet it wasn't 365 days of crap. A gratitude jar is a jar or container that you keep out (Mine says "Life is Good") and starting on January 1st you write all the good things that happen to you on little pieces of paper and keep it in the jar. I also included trinkets like my shoe tag from my first Warrior Dash or my Maroon 5 ticket. I make sure I write the date on my notes because I plan on continuing this every year and this way I can keep all of the old notes in one place and not have to separate them into different boxes. On New Year's Eve, you open your jar and read all of the good things that happened to you that year. I always try to reflect on all the good things that happen to me through out the year on NYE but I think this is going to be a lot more fun. My jar is pretty full and I'm very much looking forward to seeing everything I wrote. I use scrap book paper so it looks pretty in the jar.
I challenge everyone reading this to try it this year. You have a few more days to go out and find a jar or container of your choice. I have a large mason jar, but the one I made for my niece for Christmas is a clear glass vase. Decorate it as you choose. Like I said, mine says "Life is Good" on it, but the one I made my niece simply says "Gratitude Jar". The choice is yours. Keep it in view so you remember to add to it. It may take some reminding at first but before you know it you'll be looking forward to getting home to add your good memories to it. I look forward to hearing your experiences!
Much Love and Light~
Tammy
Thursday, December 26, 2013
I'm a hypochondriac
It's funny how when you are feeling good your mind is no longer pre-occupied with the things that your anxious mind has front stage. I was editing some things on my facebook page and was reminded of this awesome blog that I started with such high hopes. Not only did I want to continue helping myself, but I thought publicly verbalizing my struggles might help those going through similar experiences.
My life, the past few weeks, has been pure hell. I said when I first started that I was going to be honest, and that is being honest. My anxiety has gotten to a place where it hasn't been in probably ten years and it hit me out of the blue. My hypochondriasis is out.of.control. I'm focusing more of the fear of dying then focusing on enjoying life. What makes it worse is I know what is going on (for the most part) and yet I still can't seem to get out of this horrible fear cycle I put myself into! About a year and a half ago I hurt myself. I was at Target, taking a much needed mental break from Tax Season Hell and decided to get out and zen. My husband was working and it was late so I figured what the hey. I remember buying some gardening things that I could use once the weather turned warmer. Before I knew it my cart was pretty full and I decided it was probably best to get out of the store before I became poorer than I already am. On my way to my car, I went all the way down the aisle that was opposite my car. No big deal in my mind, except they have a long grass mall separating the cars where I parked instead of just a painted line. Me being a lazy ass, I decide I'm going to lift the cart over the curb instead of walking all the way around to the other side. I don't right off recall if I felt pain then, but I woke up in the middle of the night with mild discomfort in my left side/abdomen. I also had quite a stomach ache so I really wasn't sure what was going on and attributed the pain to the stomach ache. Fast forward to several weeks later and the pain is still there. It's just a dull ache that comes and goes but it's there none-the-less. My mom makes me hit the walk in clinic (probably because she was tired of me complaining about it) and the Dr. is stumped. It doesn't hurt when he presses on the area or when I twist and bend and none of my symptoms match anything, really. His conclusion is that I probably tore/strained a muscle and sent me home with muscle relaxers (which I didn't take). Slowly but surely the pain subsides, but not completely. I'll have days or maybe a week w/o it at all then it will come back for a day or two...ache...twitch...then go away again. I noticed that after doing a significant abdominal work out (especially using the twisting machine at the gym) that it would ache pretty bad for a day or two after. I also noticed, around this time, that I would go a few days w/o any discomfort but the second I said to myself "hmm I haven't had that pain in a while" the damn thing would come back. It got to a point where I hadn't had any issues for a good several months. Almost a year to the date later, it came back. Now I'm wondering if it's stress related. Makes sense that I wouldn't have any pain (and when I say pain, it has never gotten beyond a 3-4 tops on a scale of 1-10) and then as soon as I think about it, it comes back. I also noticed during this whole ordeal that much like me clenching my jar w/o realizing it, I also contract my ab muscles even when I'm sitting "relaxed". In fact, on more than one occasion, when the ache came back I realized I was engaging my abs and as soon as I relaxed them, the pain left. ANYWAY, the pain subsided and went away again and I forgot about it. Maybe I'd get a twinge here and there if I over did it on the trail or at the gym, but nothing substantial. November comes around and my anxiety over traveling has set in, plus putting things together for our anniversary dinner and such. Two days before leaving the pain comes back except this time I'm already anxious and I can't ignore it. I've already replayed me having severe pains (even though that has never happened) while flying and them having to do an emergency landing or do some sort of CPR on me while on the plane. How embarrassing! Of course none of that happened and it went away for the week and promptly came back the night before we left to fly home. Went away again for a week and now it has been back for a week and here I am now. Meanwhile, I though my anxiety would disappear once we got back from Vegas since traveling is over. Unfortunately it has heightened tenfold. I am feeling a lot of the same feelings I had before I got help. The pain in my abdomen has killed me 30 different times in 20 different ways in the past week (all in my head of course). I'm completely obsessive like how I was before I got help when I had appendicitis and heart attacks on a weekly basis (not really, of course). This afternoon I was completely convinced I had pancreatic cancer for about an hour then dulled it down to pancreatitis. Why? Because the pain is on the left hand side. Never mind the fact that I don't have any other symptom than mild discomfort on that side. Thought about it all.day.long making me sick and down right miserable. Obsessing, like usual, I look up where the pancreas is located on my phone when I got home from work. Yeah, it's on the same side but much lower (down near my navel) and not up where my stomach is. So that was a whole day wasted. I went to double check the phone because why believe it the first time and I kept getting an error message. Okay, I get it, divine intervention. BUT I managed to get around that a few hours later but triple checking on my computer.
So...I've been wrapped up in being completely miserable with an anxiety level at about 30 over what has shown itself to me as nothing for the past 1.5 years. Because, really, what makes more sense...the fact that I started this pain a mere six hours after improperly lifting a very heavy object, that acts up when I stress the muscle either with ab exercises or subconsciously tensing my stomach muscles during stressful times and goes away when I relax the muscles or I'm consumed with something so my anxiety is gone OR I'm dying of 20 different deadly diseases that my only symptom matches...which is that I have a dull ache in that area. I think it's pretty obvious I'm dying ;) Truth be told, other than this issue, I've been in the best health I have been in probably my whole life thanks to running.
Seriously, though, this growth spurt has really thrown me for a loop. I've been lazy and eating like crap for the past month and I'm sure that has a A LOT to do with it. I really need to get back to running, back to meditating and lay off all the sweets. Sugar/caffeine are horrible triggers and exercising is nature's xanax.
My New Year's Resolution for this year (which I'll write about next week) is to have inner and outer harmony. I can't wait to get back to that peaceful place!
Much love and light,
Tammy
My life, the past few weeks, has been pure hell. I said when I first started that I was going to be honest, and that is being honest. My anxiety has gotten to a place where it hasn't been in probably ten years and it hit me out of the blue. My hypochondriasis is out.of.control. I'm focusing more of the fear of dying then focusing on enjoying life. What makes it worse is I know what is going on (for the most part) and yet I still can't seem to get out of this horrible fear cycle I put myself into! About a year and a half ago I hurt myself. I was at Target, taking a much needed mental break from Tax Season Hell and decided to get out and zen. My husband was working and it was late so I figured what the hey. I remember buying some gardening things that I could use once the weather turned warmer. Before I knew it my cart was pretty full and I decided it was probably best to get out of the store before I became poorer than I already am. On my way to my car, I went all the way down the aisle that was opposite my car. No big deal in my mind, except they have a long grass mall separating the cars where I parked instead of just a painted line. Me being a lazy ass, I decide I'm going to lift the cart over the curb instead of walking all the way around to the other side. I don't right off recall if I felt pain then, but I woke up in the middle of the night with mild discomfort in my left side/abdomen. I also had quite a stomach ache so I really wasn't sure what was going on and attributed the pain to the stomach ache. Fast forward to several weeks later and the pain is still there. It's just a dull ache that comes and goes but it's there none-the-less. My mom makes me hit the walk in clinic (probably because she was tired of me complaining about it) and the Dr. is stumped. It doesn't hurt when he presses on the area or when I twist and bend and none of my symptoms match anything, really. His conclusion is that I probably tore/strained a muscle and sent me home with muscle relaxers (which I didn't take). Slowly but surely the pain subsides, but not completely. I'll have days or maybe a week w/o it at all then it will come back for a day or two...ache...twitch...then go away again. I noticed that after doing a significant abdominal work out (especially using the twisting machine at the gym) that it would ache pretty bad for a day or two after. I also noticed, around this time, that I would go a few days w/o any discomfort but the second I said to myself "hmm I haven't had that pain in a while" the damn thing would come back. It got to a point where I hadn't had any issues for a good several months. Almost a year to the date later, it came back. Now I'm wondering if it's stress related. Makes sense that I wouldn't have any pain (and when I say pain, it has never gotten beyond a 3-4 tops on a scale of 1-10) and then as soon as I think about it, it comes back. I also noticed during this whole ordeal that much like me clenching my jar w/o realizing it, I also contract my ab muscles even when I'm sitting "relaxed". In fact, on more than one occasion, when the ache came back I realized I was engaging my abs and as soon as I relaxed them, the pain left. ANYWAY, the pain subsided and went away again and I forgot about it. Maybe I'd get a twinge here and there if I over did it on the trail or at the gym, but nothing substantial. November comes around and my anxiety over traveling has set in, plus putting things together for our anniversary dinner and such. Two days before leaving the pain comes back except this time I'm already anxious and I can't ignore it. I've already replayed me having severe pains (even though that has never happened) while flying and them having to do an emergency landing or do some sort of CPR on me while on the plane. How embarrassing! Of course none of that happened and it went away for the week and promptly came back the night before we left to fly home. Went away again for a week and now it has been back for a week and here I am now. Meanwhile, I though my anxiety would disappear once we got back from Vegas since traveling is over. Unfortunately it has heightened tenfold. I am feeling a lot of the same feelings I had before I got help. The pain in my abdomen has killed me 30 different times in 20 different ways in the past week (all in my head of course). I'm completely obsessive like how I was before I got help when I had appendicitis and heart attacks on a weekly basis (not really, of course). This afternoon I was completely convinced I had pancreatic cancer for about an hour then dulled it down to pancreatitis. Why? Because the pain is on the left hand side. Never mind the fact that I don't have any other symptom than mild discomfort on that side. Thought about it all.day.long making me sick and down right miserable. Obsessing, like usual, I look up where the pancreas is located on my phone when I got home from work. Yeah, it's on the same side but much lower (down near my navel) and not up where my stomach is. So that was a whole day wasted. I went to double check the phone because why believe it the first time and I kept getting an error message. Okay, I get it, divine intervention. BUT I managed to get around that a few hours later but triple checking on my computer.
So...I've been wrapped up in being completely miserable with an anxiety level at about 30 over what has shown itself to me as nothing for the past 1.5 years. Because, really, what makes more sense...the fact that I started this pain a mere six hours after improperly lifting a very heavy object, that acts up when I stress the muscle either with ab exercises or subconsciously tensing my stomach muscles during stressful times and goes away when I relax the muscles or I'm consumed with something so my anxiety is gone OR I'm dying of 20 different deadly diseases that my only symptom matches...which is that I have a dull ache in that area. I think it's pretty obvious I'm dying ;) Truth be told, other than this issue, I've been in the best health I have been in probably my whole life thanks to running.
Seriously, though, this growth spurt has really thrown me for a loop. I've been lazy and eating like crap for the past month and I'm sure that has a A LOT to do with it. I really need to get back to running, back to meditating and lay off all the sweets. Sugar/caffeine are horrible triggers and exercising is nature's xanax.
My New Year's Resolution for this year (which I'll write about next week) is to have inner and outer harmony. I can't wait to get back to that peaceful place!
Much love and light,
Tammy
Friday, September 14, 2012
It's been a rough couple of weeks
The second leg of this anxiety journey has proven to be a harder one than I ever imagined. I feel so frustrated and conflicted in a way I've never felt before. I think it's because I know how I was but I also know what it's like to be free from anxiety so I'm constantly fighting with myself. I feel like a dog that keeps chasing his tail.
It's clear that this time around I have far more depression than I did the first time around. Last time I was so anxious and agoraphobic that I completely isolated myself in my house as well as within my own brain. I was depressed, sure, as anxiety and depression go hand and hand, but I was far too anxiety ridden to even care about it. I was plagued with limitations, irrational fears, scary thoughts, panic attacks and anything else you can think of so feeling down didn't really bother me too much. This time I don't have the limitations I did, before. I still get panic attacks but they are far and few between and I know exactly what they are and how to handle them. I still have irrational fears, but I work on those so now it seems like all I feel is depressed, bummed out, moody, and angry. I'm angry because I feel like I can't just snap out of it. I realize I have deeper issues with the loss of my brother, with the loss of smokey, but in a way I think I'm mourning myself most of all. I know this disorder is a life long illness. Much like an alcoholic or a drug addict, I have a bad habit that is bad for my health. It sucks me in at times and I have to fight my way to get out of it. And, much like someone with this kind of addiction, it's so disappointing when a set back jumps up and wiggles in our faces. I've been focusing so much on the negative and putting blinders on to the big picture. My biggest fear at this point is that I'm not giving my "all" to the program like I did nine years ago (yeah I thought it was seven, but it's nine). This has to stop right now.
Yesterday I had a long chat with my wonderful husband. He described this set back in a way that I could understand. I'm a very visual person so I usually need to have things spelled out, drawn out, or painted for me in order to understand. He asked me to imagine my disorder like a wall I painted. When it dried, I notice a few spots I missed. I wouldn't go and re-paint the entire wall, I'd re-paint the spots I missed. That made so much sense to me in terms of the program. I'm listening to the entire thing (which you have to) but I'm going through parts I already painted and essentially healed. It's going to be harder to pick out and utilize the parts I missed the first time and need right now. It doesn't mean that I'm half assing the program, it simply means I'm not needing to re-paint these parts of the wall but it's great to refresh the area to make sure I got it all. BUT, at the same time, I can't go into it thinking "I don't need to listen to this, I know it already" because I may tune out to that one important part that I need to give me that "ah ha" moment of healing.
I was contemplating starting over again and being more in tuned to the program, but Justin said that I shouldn't based on the above. I think I will back step a lesson or two and really work on the ones I need at this point. The angry lesson in particular. I have to get back to a place where I'm not a reactionary person. I need to put that filter back up because it doesn't make me feel good to be so angry and bothered, just as it doesn't make the person feel good I'm lashing out on. I also need to start blogging more. Getting my feelings out really helps, and I don't know why I stopped it. I don't even journal in private so I'm bottling things up. Never a good thing with an anxious mind.
Bottom line is I just have to get up and do it. I know how I'm feeling, and I know that I don't like it so I need to stop poo pooing about it and change it. Will all my days be happy from now on? Yeah right! Not even close, but this is what we call life. If we were happy all the time we wouldn't appreciate it as much.
I'll be away this weekend for a wedding, but I am hoping to start up my weekly Friday blog like I was doing over the winter. Now that it's getting cooler and darker out sooner and I am no longer painting my house...I think I will have the time to do it. I have to MAKE the time to do it.
Thanks for listening to me babble.
Much Love and Light
~Tammy
It's clear that this time around I have far more depression than I did the first time around. Last time I was so anxious and agoraphobic that I completely isolated myself in my house as well as within my own brain. I was depressed, sure, as anxiety and depression go hand and hand, but I was far too anxiety ridden to even care about it. I was plagued with limitations, irrational fears, scary thoughts, panic attacks and anything else you can think of so feeling down didn't really bother me too much. This time I don't have the limitations I did, before. I still get panic attacks but they are far and few between and I know exactly what they are and how to handle them. I still have irrational fears, but I work on those so now it seems like all I feel is depressed, bummed out, moody, and angry. I'm angry because I feel like I can't just snap out of it. I realize I have deeper issues with the loss of my brother, with the loss of smokey, but in a way I think I'm mourning myself most of all. I know this disorder is a life long illness. Much like an alcoholic or a drug addict, I have a bad habit that is bad for my health. It sucks me in at times and I have to fight my way to get out of it. And, much like someone with this kind of addiction, it's so disappointing when a set back jumps up and wiggles in our faces. I've been focusing so much on the negative and putting blinders on to the big picture. My biggest fear at this point is that I'm not giving my "all" to the program like I did nine years ago (yeah I thought it was seven, but it's nine). This has to stop right now.
Yesterday I had a long chat with my wonderful husband. He described this set back in a way that I could understand. I'm a very visual person so I usually need to have things spelled out, drawn out, or painted for me in order to understand. He asked me to imagine my disorder like a wall I painted. When it dried, I notice a few spots I missed. I wouldn't go and re-paint the entire wall, I'd re-paint the spots I missed. That made so much sense to me in terms of the program. I'm listening to the entire thing (which you have to) but I'm going through parts I already painted and essentially healed. It's going to be harder to pick out and utilize the parts I missed the first time and need right now. It doesn't mean that I'm half assing the program, it simply means I'm not needing to re-paint these parts of the wall but it's great to refresh the area to make sure I got it all. BUT, at the same time, I can't go into it thinking "I don't need to listen to this, I know it already" because I may tune out to that one important part that I need to give me that "ah ha" moment of healing.
I was contemplating starting over again and being more in tuned to the program, but Justin said that I shouldn't based on the above. I think I will back step a lesson or two and really work on the ones I need at this point. The angry lesson in particular. I have to get back to a place where I'm not a reactionary person. I need to put that filter back up because it doesn't make me feel good to be so angry and bothered, just as it doesn't make the person feel good I'm lashing out on. I also need to start blogging more. Getting my feelings out really helps, and I don't know why I stopped it. I don't even journal in private so I'm bottling things up. Never a good thing with an anxious mind.
Bottom line is I just have to get up and do it. I know how I'm feeling, and I know that I don't like it so I need to stop poo pooing about it and change it. Will all my days be happy from now on? Yeah right! Not even close, but this is what we call life. If we were happy all the time we wouldn't appreciate it as much.
I'll be away this weekend for a wedding, but I am hoping to start up my weekly Friday blog like I was doing over the winter. Now that it's getting cooler and darker out sooner and I am no longer painting my house...I think I will have the time to do it. I have to MAKE the time to do it.
Thanks for listening to me babble.
Much Love and Light
~Tammy
Friday, August 17, 2012
Circle of life
I'm supposed to be on session four this week but I took the time to do session three again this week even though that was half assed as well. I'm having a dilemma with time management. I feel like I am always trying to beat the clock between work, the gym, the program, and still doing everything else I need to do in a day. I thought I solved this issue last week with listening to the program while at the gym. Maybe this is still the answer and my heart just isn't in the program the past week.
Last week we went from having three kitties to having two. I had a very very hard time with this, more than I ever thought I would. It wasn't putting him down that killed me, it was knowing he was ill and seeing him not himself even though we were assured by three separate vets that he was not in any pain. I even took most all of last week off of the gym and if it wasn't for the fact that my boss was on vacation and I could boo-hoo at work, I probably would have had a hard time doing that too. I've never felt so much grief over anything in my life and I felt it most when he was still alive. I knew he couldn't live forever, but I just didn't expect it to be verbally diagnosed on a Tuesday and be gone by Friday. Monday he looked great, Tuesday he just seemed off and we were told that all signs point to kidney failure and with his advanced age and advanced symptoms there was nothing for us to do than just keep him comfortable until nature took its course. I cried non stop at the thought for the rest of the week but still didn't think that by Wednesday I'd be making the call to put him down because he started to refuse food and water and couldn't take more than a few steps with out falling down. Just looking at his face I knew it was time. He just looked depressed that he couldn't move anymore. He tried to jump up when I went to feed him some can food but fell over and was so upset that he refused more than a few licks and wouldn't take anymore despite me trying to feed him over the course of a few hours. I spent the rest of my time with him constantly checking to see if he was still breathing and trying to find him when he managed to crawl off somewhere to hide (most likely from me making sure he was OK ha ha).
My last night with him was a rough one. He had manged to make it up stairs and hid himself in the bottom of a cat tower we have. I made sure he was still breathing and tried to fall asleep. I managed two hours from about 1am to little after 3am when I woke up to find he had some how made his way up on the bed. I still don't know how he did this because it was his back legs that weren't working. He curled up in his usual spot on my legs and fell asleep for an hour or so. I didn't have the heart to fall back asleep because I knew this was our last time together so I just enjoyed watching him. He woke up, saw that I was awake and excitedly tried to make it over to me, which he really couldn't so I helped him over and we cuddled until about 7am when I started to get up and ready for work. Once he saw me up he tried to jump down so I moved him to the floor so he could see what I was up to. Smudge took one look at him, sniffed his head, and made the most horrible howling while leaving the room. For a dumb cat, he sure knew what was up. I left for work early because I knew if I didn't leave then I'd never make it out of the house and for the next 7 hours I watched the clock to his 3pm appointment. I give my husband uber amounts of credit for bringing him in. There's no way in hell I could have done it. At a little after 3pm I got a text saying the vet really wanted to make sure it was kidney failure and he was admitting him for the night. I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me at this point. All this hype and it's being prolonged another day. I was so glad they kept him though so I could at least try and get some sleep. By noon the next day it was confirmed...stage 4. So, my wonderful husband went back and was with him when they put him down. He assured me it was a peaceful experience and that he was no longer suffering. The both of us felt a sense of relief. I think we both knew his time was coming up soon because of his weight loss, but you come to more tolerable conclusions. Fatty hogs the bowl so he doesn't get a lot, he's old, he's got arthritis, etc. Outside of him losing weight up until 2 Friday's ago where he had what we now think is a seizure, he was his normal self. Running around and still eating and drinking and typically being Smokey.
Although the what ifs came for a visit they were short lived. I know in my heart we gave him the best possible life and care. The first vet told my husband that with his breed, kidney failure shows up around the 7-8 year mark. Smokey would have been 15 in October. I think that, alone, says we did a good job. We should be getting his ashes Monday and will be burying him in the back with his favorite pink teddy bear that he carried around since he was a kitten. In the mean time we still have two crack head cats left that keep us thoroughly entertained. Of course we are now a little paranoid when it comes to them and getting a little anxious when something looks a bit out of place, but I'm sure this is normal and will pass. They are adjusting, we are adjusting and I'm sure by this time next month we'll be back to normal. Right now it's still hard. I still expect to see him when I come home, and napping on the weekend will never be the same since we always did that together. But, the circle of life will continue to continue. We both love animals way too much to not have them in our lives and when these two are gone (hopefully 10 years or more from now), other shelter kitties and/or doggies will enter our lives. I always told Justin if we could ever afford a huge barn like house, I'd adopt all the older dogs and cats from the shelter that everyone ignores and let them enjoy their Sr. years being spoiled with us. Maybe one day.
Much Love and Light
~Tammy
Last week we went from having three kitties to having two. I had a very very hard time with this, more than I ever thought I would. It wasn't putting him down that killed me, it was knowing he was ill and seeing him not himself even though we were assured by three separate vets that he was not in any pain. I even took most all of last week off of the gym and if it wasn't for the fact that my boss was on vacation and I could boo-hoo at work, I probably would have had a hard time doing that too. I've never felt so much grief over anything in my life and I felt it most when he was still alive. I knew he couldn't live forever, but I just didn't expect it to be verbally diagnosed on a Tuesday and be gone by Friday. Monday he looked great, Tuesday he just seemed off and we were told that all signs point to kidney failure and with his advanced age and advanced symptoms there was nothing for us to do than just keep him comfortable until nature took its course. I cried non stop at the thought for the rest of the week but still didn't think that by Wednesday I'd be making the call to put him down because he started to refuse food and water and couldn't take more than a few steps with out falling down. Just looking at his face I knew it was time. He just looked depressed that he couldn't move anymore. He tried to jump up when I went to feed him some can food but fell over and was so upset that he refused more than a few licks and wouldn't take anymore despite me trying to feed him over the course of a few hours. I spent the rest of my time with him constantly checking to see if he was still breathing and trying to find him when he managed to crawl off somewhere to hide (most likely from me making sure he was OK ha ha).
My last night with him was a rough one. He had manged to make it up stairs and hid himself in the bottom of a cat tower we have. I made sure he was still breathing and tried to fall asleep. I managed two hours from about 1am to little after 3am when I woke up to find he had some how made his way up on the bed. I still don't know how he did this because it was his back legs that weren't working. He curled up in his usual spot on my legs and fell asleep for an hour or so. I didn't have the heart to fall back asleep because I knew this was our last time together so I just enjoyed watching him. He woke up, saw that I was awake and excitedly tried to make it over to me, which he really couldn't so I helped him over and we cuddled until about 7am when I started to get up and ready for work. Once he saw me up he tried to jump down so I moved him to the floor so he could see what I was up to. Smudge took one look at him, sniffed his head, and made the most horrible howling while leaving the room. For a dumb cat, he sure knew what was up. I left for work early because I knew if I didn't leave then I'd never make it out of the house and for the next 7 hours I watched the clock to his 3pm appointment. I give my husband uber amounts of credit for bringing him in. There's no way in hell I could have done it. At a little after 3pm I got a text saying the vet really wanted to make sure it was kidney failure and he was admitting him for the night. I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me at this point. All this hype and it's being prolonged another day. I was so glad they kept him though so I could at least try and get some sleep. By noon the next day it was confirmed...stage 4. So, my wonderful husband went back and was with him when they put him down. He assured me it was a peaceful experience and that he was no longer suffering. The both of us felt a sense of relief. I think we both knew his time was coming up soon because of his weight loss, but you come to more tolerable conclusions. Fatty hogs the bowl so he doesn't get a lot, he's old, he's got arthritis, etc. Outside of him losing weight up until 2 Friday's ago where he had what we now think is a seizure, he was his normal self. Running around and still eating and drinking and typically being Smokey.
Although the what ifs came for a visit they were short lived. I know in my heart we gave him the best possible life and care. The first vet told my husband that with his breed, kidney failure shows up around the 7-8 year mark. Smokey would have been 15 in October. I think that, alone, says we did a good job. We should be getting his ashes Monday and will be burying him in the back with his favorite pink teddy bear that he carried around since he was a kitten. In the mean time we still have two crack head cats left that keep us thoroughly entertained. Of course we are now a little paranoid when it comes to them and getting a little anxious when something looks a bit out of place, but I'm sure this is normal and will pass. They are adjusting, we are adjusting and I'm sure by this time next month we'll be back to normal. Right now it's still hard. I still expect to see him when I come home, and napping on the weekend will never be the same since we always did that together. But, the circle of life will continue to continue. We both love animals way too much to not have them in our lives and when these two are gone (hopefully 10 years or more from now), other shelter kitties and/or doggies will enter our lives. I always told Justin if we could ever afford a huge barn like house, I'd adopt all the older dogs and cats from the shelter that everyone ignores and let them enjoy their Sr. years being spoiled with us. Maybe one day.
Much Love and Light
~Tammy
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Lesson 2
As I stated in my last blog I had...well, have...mixed emotions starting the program again. I, however, didn't bet on having such a hard time with it. I feel like I did seven years ago with out the limitations I had. I feel happy, then angry, then lost and anything else you can find in between. I'm having doubts even though I know the program works. Regardless of my feelings at the moment, I'm living proof it works. I had to ask my husband if I was a complete yo-yo when I started last time. He assured me I was. And, by yo-yo I mean having emotional highs and lows not being a doofus, although I'm good at that too.
I'm on lesson 3 now, but I wanted to re-cap lesson 2.
I'm sure I spoke about panic attacks before and I'm sure I'll talk about them again. It's important to know that EVERYONE has had a panic or anxiety attack at some time in their lives whether they have an anxiety disorder or not. It is also important to know that YOU CAUSE THIS! The Fight or Flight system that our complicated bodies have is a magnificent thing. It's great when we truly need it when in a life or death situation or something else of that magnitude. However, we tend to over use and abuse this power we have. We lie to ourselves so intensely and consistently that we believe what we are thinking is real and it starts the cycle. Our bodies are duped into thinking there is an actual crisis and it starts dumping hormones into our important organs causing them to engorge, pump, and react faster than ever before. Adrenaline starts pouring into our blood stream which boosts our energy level a million times over so that if we do need to flee, we have the resources to do so. The problem is, we are sitting at our desk thinking about a tiny twinge in our foot that must now be cancer. Because we've scared ourselves over a complete lie, our bodies are now high strung and on edge. BUT, we aren't doing anything to burn it off because there is no danger in reality, just in our highly imaginative minds. This leads us to forget about what caused the panic cycle to begin with and now we are focused on the body symptoms that come along with the Fight or Flight response. "My heart is beating fast, I'm going to have a heart attack." "My head is spinning, I'm going to faint." "My breathing is short, what if it stops?" Etc., etc., etc.
Panic attacks are no fun and I wouldn't wish them upon my worst enemy. They scare the life out of us, get us all worked up for what seems like forever but only lasts maybe 20 minutes and then exhausts us into depression. The good news is no one has ever died of a panic attack, they don't last forever, and you do have the power to control and eventually eliminate them. Body symptoms are completely normal. Once you learn to float with the feelings and not be so afraid of them, the panic attacks will start to lessen. Talk to yourself to remind yourself that "of course my heart is pounding, I scared myself." "Of course I'm dizzy, I'm having a panic attack and it will pass." Stop shadow boxing your scary thoughts, you won't win. Turn away and give them no power.
They key to getting rid of panic attacks is accepting the fact that you have them and you can either make it better or make it worse simply by how you think. Once you have a external stressor (I think I made that word up) keep it there. If you start to get body symptoms because you are entering a panic attack recognize that it's just anxiety and accept that it's perfectly normal to feel this way. Be kind to yourself and tell yourself it's okay to feel this way. Make sure you remember to breath (circle breathing or 2/4 breathing) is best which is breathing through your nose for 2 seconds, and then out of your mouth for 4 seconds...TRUE seconds, this isn't a race. Make sure you be as positive and kind to yourself as you can. If it's still not eliminating your symptoms then get up and do something. Help burn that energy off. Clean the house, go for a walk, play with your kids, etc. Don't forget to laugh at yourself. Humor, although panic attacks are not a funny thing especially in the beginning, is a great way to counteract anxious/negative feelings. It's like anxiety's kryptonite.
I promise the more your practice this the better it gets. Sometimes I couple humor into the beginning of a panic attack. "Oh, it's YOU again, huh? Well c'mon show me what you got! You wanna go?" It's OKAY to be silly with it. That probably helps me most often, but it didn't at the beginning so if that doesn't work for you, figure out what does. YOU ARE IN CONTROL! And, you can do this!
Much Love and Light
~Tammy
I'm on lesson 3 now, but I wanted to re-cap lesson 2.
Panic attacks are no fun and I wouldn't wish them upon my worst enemy. They scare the life out of us, get us all worked up for what seems like forever but only lasts maybe 20 minutes and then exhausts us into depression. The good news is no one has ever died of a panic attack, they don't last forever, and you do have the power to control and eventually eliminate them. Body symptoms are completely normal. Once you learn to float with the feelings and not be so afraid of them, the panic attacks will start to lessen. Talk to yourself to remind yourself that "of course my heart is pounding, I scared myself." "Of course I'm dizzy, I'm having a panic attack and it will pass." Stop shadow boxing your scary thoughts, you won't win. Turn away and give them no power.
They key to getting rid of panic attacks is accepting the fact that you have them and you can either make it better or make it worse simply by how you think. Once you have a external stressor (I think I made that word up) keep it there. If you start to get body symptoms because you are entering a panic attack recognize that it's just anxiety and accept that it's perfectly normal to feel this way. Be kind to yourself and tell yourself it's okay to feel this way. Make sure you remember to breath (circle breathing or 2/4 breathing) is best which is breathing through your nose for 2 seconds, and then out of your mouth for 4 seconds...TRUE seconds, this isn't a race. Make sure you be as positive and kind to yourself as you can. If it's still not eliminating your symptoms then get up and do something. Help burn that energy off. Clean the house, go for a walk, play with your kids, etc. Don't forget to laugh at yourself. Humor, although panic attacks are not a funny thing especially in the beginning, is a great way to counteract anxious/negative feelings. It's like anxiety's kryptonite.
I promise the more your practice this the better it gets. Sometimes I couple humor into the beginning of a panic attack. "Oh, it's YOU again, huh? Well c'mon show me what you got! You wanna go?" It's OKAY to be silly with it. That probably helps me most often, but it didn't at the beginning so if that doesn't work for you, figure out what does. YOU ARE IN CONTROL! And, you can do this!
Much Love and Light
~Tammy
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