Circle of life

I'm supposed to be on session four this week but I took the time to do session three again this week even though that was half assed as well.  I'm having a dilemma with time management.  I feel like I am always trying to beat the clock between work, the gym, the program, and still doing everything else I need to do in a day.  I thought I solved this issue last week with listening to the program while at the gym.  Maybe this is still the answer and my heart just isn't in the program the past week. 

Last week we went from having three kitties to having two.  I had a very very hard time with this, more than I ever thought I would.  It wasn't putting him down that killed me, it was knowing he was ill and seeing him not himself even though we were assured by three separate vets that he was not in any pain.  I even took most all of last week off of the gym and if it wasn't for the fact that my boss was on vacation and I could boo-hoo at work, I probably would have had a hard time doing that too.  I've never felt so much grief over anything in my life and I felt it most when he was still alive.  I knew he couldn't live forever, but I just didn't expect it to be verbally diagnosed on a Tuesday and be gone by Friday.  Monday he looked great, Tuesday he just seemed off and we were told that all signs point to kidney failure and with his advanced age and advanced symptoms there was nothing for us to do than just keep him comfortable until nature took its course.  I cried non stop at the thought for the rest of the week but still didn't think that by Wednesday I'd be making the call to put him down because he started to refuse food and water and couldn't take more than a few steps with out falling down.  Just looking at his face I knew it was time.  He just looked depressed that he couldn't move anymore.  He tried to jump up when I went to feed him some can food but fell over and was so upset that he refused more than a few licks and wouldn't take anymore despite me trying to feed him over the course of a few hours.  I spent the rest of my time with him constantly checking to see if he was still breathing and trying to find him when he managed to crawl off somewhere to hide (most likely from me making sure he was OK ha ha).

My last night with him was a rough one.  He had manged to make it up stairs and hid himself in the bottom of a cat tower we have.  I made sure he was still breathing and tried to fall asleep.  I managed two hours from about 1am to little after 3am when I woke up to find he had some how made his way up on the bed.  I still don't know how he did this because it was his back legs that weren't working.  He curled up in his usual spot on my legs and fell asleep for an hour or so.  I didn't have the heart to fall back asleep because I knew this was our last time together so I just enjoyed watching him.  He woke up, saw that I was awake and excitedly tried to make it over to me, which he really couldn't so I helped him over and we cuddled until about 7am when I started to get up and ready for work.  Once he saw me up he tried to jump down so I moved him to the floor so he could see what I was up to.  Smudge took one look at him, sniffed his head, and made the most horrible howling while leaving the room.  For a dumb cat, he sure knew what was up.  I left for work early because I knew if I didn't leave then I'd never make it out of the house and for the next 7 hours I watched the clock to his 3pm appointment.  I give my husband uber amounts of credit for bringing him in.  There's no way in hell I could have done it.  At a little after 3pm I got a text saying the vet really wanted to make sure it was kidney failure and he was admitting him for the night.  I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me at this point.  All this hype and it's being prolonged another day.  I was so glad they kept him though so I could at least try and get some sleep.  By noon the next day it was confirmed...stage 4.  So, my wonderful husband went back and was with him when they put him down.  He assured me it was a peaceful experience and that he was no longer suffering.  The both of us felt a sense of relief.  I think we both knew his time was coming up soon because of his weight loss, but you come to more tolerable conclusions.  Fatty hogs the bowl so he doesn't get a lot, he's old, he's got arthritis, etc.  Outside of him losing weight up until 2 Friday's ago where he had what we now think is a seizure, he was his normal self.  Running around and still eating and drinking and typically being Smokey. 

Although the what ifs came for a visit they were short lived.  I know in my heart we gave him the best possible life and care.  The first vet told my husband that with his breed, kidney failure shows up around the 7-8 year mark.  Smokey would have been 15 in October.  I think that, alone, says we did a good job.  We should be getting his ashes Monday and will be burying him in the back with his favorite pink teddy bear that he carried around since he was a kitten.  In the mean time we still have two crack head cats left that keep us thoroughly entertained.  Of course we are now a little paranoid when it comes to them and getting a little anxious when something looks a bit out of place, but I'm sure this is normal and will pass.  They are adjusting, we are adjusting and I'm sure by this time next month we'll be back to normal.  Right now it's still hard.  I still expect to see him when I come home, and napping on the weekend will never be the same since we always did that together.  But, the circle of life will continue to continue.  We both love animals way too much to not have them in our lives and when these two are gone (hopefully 10 years or more from now), other shelter kitties and/or doggies will enter our lives.  I always told Justin if we could ever afford a huge barn like house, I'd adopt all the older dogs and cats from the shelter that everyone ignores and let them enjoy their Sr. years being spoiled with us.  Maybe one day.

Much Love and Light

~Tammy

Lesson 2

As I stated in my last blog I had...well, have...mixed emotions starting the program again.  I, however, didn't bet on having such a hard time with it.  I feel like I did seven years ago with out the limitations I had.  I feel happy, then angry, then lost and anything else you can find in between.  I'm having doubts even though I know the program works.  Regardless of my feelings at the moment, I'm living proof it works.  I had to ask my husband if I was a complete yo-yo when I started last time.  He assured me I was.  And, by yo-yo I mean having emotional highs and lows not being a doofus, although I'm good at that too.

I'm on lesson 3 now, but I wanted to re-cap lesson 2.

I'm sure I spoke about panic attacks before and I'm sure I'll talk about them again.   It's important to know that EVERYONE has had a panic or anxiety attack at some time in their lives whether they have an anxiety disorder or not.  It is also important to know that YOU CAUSE THIS!  The Fight or Flight system that our complicated bodies have is a magnificent thing.  It's great when we truly need it when in a life or death situation or something else of that magnitude.  However, we tend to over use and abuse this power we have.  We lie to ourselves so intensely and consistently that we believe what we are thinking is real and it starts the cycle.  Our bodies are duped into thinking there is an actual crisis and it starts dumping hormones into our important organs causing them to engorge, pump, and react faster than ever before.  Adrenaline starts pouring into our blood stream which boosts our energy level a million times over so that if we do need to flee, we have the resources to do so.  The problem is, we are sitting at our desk thinking about a tiny twinge in our foot that must now be cancer.  Because we've scared ourselves over a complete lie, our bodies are now high strung and on edge.  BUT, we aren't doing anything to burn it off because there is no danger in reality, just in our highly imaginative minds.  This leads us to forget about what caused the panic cycle to begin with and now we are focused on the body symptoms that come along with the Fight or Flight response.  "My heart is beating fast, I'm going to have a heart attack."  "My head is spinning, I'm going to faint."  "My breathing is short, what if it stops?"  Etc., etc., etc.

Panic attacks are no fun and I wouldn't wish them upon my worst enemy.  They scare the life out of us, get us all worked up for what seems like forever but only lasts maybe 20 minutes and then exhausts us into depression.  The good news is no one has ever died of a panic attack, they don't last forever, and you do have the power to control and eventually eliminate them.  Body symptoms are completely normal.  Once you learn to float with the feelings and not be so afraid of them, the panic attacks will start to lessen.  Talk to yourself to remind yourself that "of course my heart is pounding, I scared myself."  "Of course I'm dizzy, I'm having a panic attack and it will pass."  Stop shadow boxing your scary thoughts, you won't win.  Turn away and give them no power.

They key to getting rid of panic attacks is accepting the fact that you have them and you can either make it better or make it worse simply by how you think.  Once you have a external stressor (I think I made that word up) keep it there.  If you start to get body symptoms because you are entering a panic attack recognize that it's just anxiety and accept that it's perfectly normal to feel this way.  Be kind to yourself and tell yourself it's okay to feel this way.  Make sure you remember to breath (circle breathing or 2/4 breathing) is best which is breathing through your nose for 2 seconds, and then out of your mouth for 4 seconds...TRUE seconds, this isn't a race.  Make sure you be as positive and kind to yourself as you can.  If it's still not eliminating your symptoms then get up and do something.  Help burn that energy off.  Clean the house, go for a walk, play with your kids, etc.  Don't forget to laugh at yourself.  Humor, although panic attacks are not a funny thing especially in the beginning, is a great way to counteract anxious/negative feelings.  It's like anxiety's kryptonite.

I promise the more your practice this the better it gets.  Sometimes I couple humor into the beginning of a panic attack.  "Oh, it's YOU again, huh?  Well c'mon show me what you got!  You wanna go?"  It's OKAY to be silly with it.  That probably helps me most often, but it didn't at the beginning so if that doesn't work for you, figure out what does.  YOU ARE IN CONTROL!  And, you can do this!

Much Love and Light

~Tammy

It's days like these

That remind me how far I've actually come on this anxiety journey regardless of me going back through the program.  For this, I'm eternally grateful for having insomnia and seeing the infomercial, for me finally realizing what my problem was (7 years ago), and for my husband (then boyfriend) ordering me said program before I could even finish asking him if I could get it.  As much as I feel like I've gone backwards in some things, today really opened my eyes on how better I am - above and beyond what my desires were so long ago. 

Dad is off having surgery #3 on his spine.  This time, in his neck due to a pinched nerve.  The previous two surgeries were for his back.  Same surgeon, same hospital, so third time around I'm pretty familiar with how things go.  However, both times previously (once before the program, once after) I was with my mom.  Unfortunately her boss is on vacation and there was no way she could be here and open the store at the same time.  So, my awesome husband dropped dad and I off and I went in it alone.  I had a lot of anticipatory anxiety last night going through scenarios in my head (that never happened as they often don't) about me getting lost, not finding the waiting room, etc.  Not to mention the fact that hospitals give me the wicked heebies in general.  As I sit here in the waiting room typing this out, I have to giggle about myself catastrophizing the whole day yesterday because nothing went wrong.  Everything went smooth.  So silly that we do this to ourselves every.damn.time for absolutely no good reason other than our minds feel the need to consume itself with negativity.

Since I knew I was going to have a long wait, I brought my work book in with me to do my homework.  Yes, the program gives you homework.  As I was going through the questions (pretty much just rating how you are feeling now and how this program will help) I was a bit dissatisfied about some of my answers on how I'm feeling in general.  However, when we got to the part of limitations and rating anxiety levels during certain situations, I had to smile.  When I first came across this pages years prior, 98% of what was listed was a limitation for me and anxiety at the highest level.  Now, only two things on the list is something I would consider a limitation and even at that they still aren't things I'd completely avoid.  Not to mention the fact that my anxiety level is mild/moderate not severe like it used to be.  So *happy dance* for me!

This post really has no purpose other to remind myself that I'm not a defective as I think I am and to occupy my mind some while I'm waiting for the surgeon to come back and talk to me after the surgery is over.

Proud chicky today! *insert cheesy grin*

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

Back to Day One

Well, I finally got my replacement workbook and I started day one of the program tonight.  I had a lot of emotions going into this.  I know this program works and I knew when I graduated from it seven years ago that set backs or what they call growth spurts are inevitable, but I still felt some what apprehensive starting all over again.  I guess, in a way, I felt like some sort of failure for having to use these tools again.  In reality, it just goes to show how much I've grown since I hit rock bottom in 2004.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with knowing you need help and seeking it.  Knowing that I was slipping back into my old ways just goes to prove how much this program works.  If it didn't, I would have gone on living my anxiously angry life like nothing was wrong like I did so many years before.  So, instead of being embarrassed for brushing up on my life skills learned, I'm going to be proud of myself for knowing I need them AND putting the effort into these next 16 weeks.

If you think about it, "all over again" is sort of a loaded phrase.  Yes, I've dedicated the next 16 weeks to go through the learning process a second time, but it really isn't an "all over again."  This time around I'm going in with a much healthier mind, I know what to expect, I know it works, and I am excited to grow even further in this life long process.

After re-reading the intro and listening to the first lesson earlier, my fears and inhibitions dwindled and I knew I was in the right place.  I knew this is where I should be in this part of my journey.  In a way it was like getting to talk to old friends again.  It was also a reminder on how far I've actually come since my first time.  The first lesson is about signs/symptoms and I remember having 99% of what they were talking about.  Now, not so much.  Yes, I have my days, but don't we all?  EVERYONE has anxiety in one form or another, it's how you choose to deal with it that separates us.

I forgot that they want you to do a personal journal through out the program, and I am going to do that here.  I think it might be beneficial to not only me by venting off feelings, but to those reading to see that someone else "has that too."  I know that even now, knowing someone else has felt the same thing or experienced the same physical symptoms is very comforting.  It's sort of like a more reliable Dr. Google ;)  Of course I never suggest anyone using that!

So, that's where I am right now.  Buckle up boys and girls this may be a bumpy ride!  BUT, it'll be well worth it!

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

On the Road Again...

Just can't wait to get on the road again...

I know I've been away for a few months.  Things got quite hectic at the end of tax season and then my May and June were jam packed with birthday and volunteer commitments.  Last weekend was my first weekend off from everything and it was nice to have a day or two to do absolutely nothing!

So, what's been up with me?  Well, I joined a gym.  Exercise is awesome for those of us with anxiety issues. I will touch upon that in another blog, but I can tell you one thing.  No matter what kind of a day I'm having (anxious, bad, pissed, etc.) by the time I leave the gym I feel great.  I never joined one before and I didn't know that I would turn into a gym rat so fast, but I love it.

On the anxiety front, I've been better.  I've been worse too so I have that to be thankful for.  I came to the conclusion that trying this or that are not working and that I need to start back up what I know works.  So, I ordered another workbook for the program I was on and I am going to do the 16 week program all over again.  It's time.  I feel a little bummed about it but at the same time I don't.  I know I'm no where near as bad as I was before I first started the program seven years ago but I also know that I'm not where I was when I finished the program either.  Nothing wrong with going through it again, touching  upon some things I still need help with and moving up to a new level of recovering.  I also decided that I can't spread myself as thin as I was and I resigned from one of my jobs.  It was a very hard decision, but it was needed.

So this is where I'm at.  I'm excited to be more public about the journey this time around and I intend on going through all 16 weeks on here so if you were at all interested in the program or what I did to better myself, here's your chance!  I'm not telling you to run off and buy it, but this is what worked for me and so this is what I will use again.  Seven years is a long time to be out of "treatment" so to speak so I think it's going to be a great thing to revisit and remind myself of lessons I've clearly forgotten about.  My blog posts won't just be about the program, though. I do have a long list of topics I wanted to discuss before I went on hiatus.  As always, if there are any topics you'd like me to talk about, feel free to let me know!  Also, if you know of someone who would benefit from this blog, feel free to share it.  I have 9 followers now and I'll always welcome more!

Love and Light~

Tammy

Be your own cheerleader

Seriously.  The person that counts the most in this battle is yourself.  Yes, it is beyond awesome to get praises from those around you, but when push comes to shove, you are the one who is stuck with you no matter what the circumstances are.  So why not be your own cheerleader?  Whip out the pompoms if you have to!

When I was at my worst, I had so many things that I "couldn't" do.  I'm sure a lot of you are feeling the same way or at least have felt that way in the past.  Sometimes we dwell so much on the things we "can't" do (or rather won't) that we overlook overcoming any obstacles.  Regardless of how small the task may be, give yourself a pat on the back for doing it.  What may seem like a small feat for someone is probably a huge deal to you!  Make sure you give yourself recognition for stepping out of your comfort zone and accomplishing something you previously wouldn't have done.  Not only does it deserve your praise, but it makes you feel so good about yourself!  It also helps solidify that you can do things and you can get better.  As I stated last night, dwell in the positive feelings...do a happy dance if you must...whatever it takes for you to congratulate yourself on a job well done.  You'd do it for your friends, family, kids...why not do it for yourself?

Even though I'm far better than I was, there are still some lingering issues that I have.  One of them being a phone phobia.  To put it plainly, I'd rather have root canal work done than call someone.  I find it so stressful and I usually have to work myself up for an hour over a five minute phone call.  I've always been this way, even as a kid.  Teenage girl on the phone all night long?  Only if they called me!  I think this stems from one or two incidents I had when I actually did call someone and I started to talk to them as if they were the person I was calling, and it was someone else.  I was so embarrassed by it that I think of it every time I go to pick up the phone.  OR, just the opposite, when you don't recognize the voice and ask for so and so and their reply is "duh it's me!"  Nothing like feeling like a complete jackass to keep you from making that mistake more than once!  Those things happened to me over 20 years ago and yet they are still fresh in my mind.

Well, leave it to me to have an office job.  Of course one of my main jobs in the office is answering the phones (fine, that doesn't bother me at all) and calling people back, especially during tax season.  I do have to say that over the 14ish years of working there, I've gotten a lot better.  However, I still find it nerve wracking to call people back.  I will usually do a whole bunch of call backs at once and every time I get to the bottom of the list, I do my little happy clap and pat myself on the back for getting through another 30 minutes of non-stop phone calls.  Do I look silly?  Probably, but I don't care.  I'm so proud of myself when I finish that it's worth it.  And, it does make the next round of calls a little easier because I know that in a few short minutes I'll be doing my happy little clap all over again.

Bottom line is, you are working on yourself so you need to praise yourself.  We spend enough time getting down on ourselves for doing x, y, and z it's about time we rooted for ourselves for doing a, b, and c.

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

One day at a time?

No, not the TV show.  Am I dating myself?  At any rate, I'm sure everyone has heard of this phrase before.  I'm also sure that most of you have heard it in reference to alcoholics and/or drug addicts.  But, sometimes one day at a time doesn't quite work.  This is especially true if you are at a low point in your life or are having a hard time at the moment. 

The saying is meant to help people with addiction (us included) to focus on the now and not the past or future.  Remember, if you are living in the past you're depressed, if you are living in the future you're anxious, if you are living in the present you are content.  All forms of addiction have anxiety and depression feelings linked to it, so it's best to focus on the present moments and take things one day at a time.  However, sometimes a whole 24 hours is too much pressure for us to handle all at once.  So, I encourage you to take things one hour at a time instead!  If you are having an issue, a pain, a moron client, whatever...take it for that hour, deal with it, then let it go.  If you are having a good time, are happy, are relaxed...build on that, absorb the positive feelings and enjoy the moment that is making you smile.  Eventually, like writing down your negative thoughts, the bad moments won't seem as bad and won't stick in our minds for long while the good moments will carry us through the day. 

Today I had some ups and downs, as I'm sure everyone did.  I went most of the day w/o stomach pain but it started to come back around noon.  So I told myself that yes, I know the pain is there, but it's not severe, and therefore I am not going to feed into the mind games my brain tends to play when I have a pain.  In other words, I gave it no power and chose to continue on with my day.  The next hour was lunch so that was good (fatty likes to eat).  The rest of the day just crawled along and was even keel.  My last 15 minutes of work turned into a 45 minute wait for a client who said she'd be at my office to drop something off within that 15 minutes.  The more I waited, the more upset it made me.  However, her rudeness is none of my control.  Although it made me mad, I chose to focus on the wonderful pedi present my mom scheduled for me for 5pm and I left those feelings at work.  FF to my spa pedicure when I happily picked out a pretty purple color that made me happy just to look at it and I eagerly hopped in the chair with a book I've been trying to finish for over a year.  Although I do have issues with them sanding my feet, I kept telling myself to just relax with it an enjoy it.  And, I did!  One hour of being pampered was amazing and now my Freddy Krueger toes are cut back and pretty again.  Even hours later I'm still feeling the affects of this amazing time my mom gave to me and I'm relaxed and ready to face tomorrow.  So, even though my day had bad parts, I took it one hour at a time, one issue at a time and it still turned out to be a really good day regardless of the speed bumps that I had to slow down and climb myself over.

There's a saying out there somewhere about not letting a bad moment turn into a bad day or a bad day turning into a bad life.  I'll have to find it, but you get the gist.  One bad moment shouldn't delegate how the rest of your day should go.  If you let it, you will be missing out on so many amazing moments.  Instead of living one bad moment to another, try to live one great moment to another.  So think back about your day today and list the amazing moments you had, even if they seem small.  Allow yourself to be happy.

Much Love and Light~

Tammy