Circle of life

I'm supposed to be on session four this week but I took the time to do session three again this week even though that was half assed as well.  I'm having a dilemma with time management.  I feel like I am always trying to beat the clock between work, the gym, the program, and still doing everything else I need to do in a day.  I thought I solved this issue last week with listening to the program while at the gym.  Maybe this is still the answer and my heart just isn't in the program the past week. 

Last week we went from having three kitties to having two.  I had a very very hard time with this, more than I ever thought I would.  It wasn't putting him down that killed me, it was knowing he was ill and seeing him not himself even though we were assured by three separate vets that he was not in any pain.  I even took most all of last week off of the gym and if it wasn't for the fact that my boss was on vacation and I could boo-hoo at work, I probably would have had a hard time doing that too.  I've never felt so much grief over anything in my life and I felt it most when he was still alive.  I knew he couldn't live forever, but I just didn't expect it to be verbally diagnosed on a Tuesday and be gone by Friday.  Monday he looked great, Tuesday he just seemed off and we were told that all signs point to kidney failure and with his advanced age and advanced symptoms there was nothing for us to do than just keep him comfortable until nature took its course.  I cried non stop at the thought for the rest of the week but still didn't think that by Wednesday I'd be making the call to put him down because he started to refuse food and water and couldn't take more than a few steps with out falling down.  Just looking at his face I knew it was time.  He just looked depressed that he couldn't move anymore.  He tried to jump up when I went to feed him some can food but fell over and was so upset that he refused more than a few licks and wouldn't take anymore despite me trying to feed him over the course of a few hours.  I spent the rest of my time with him constantly checking to see if he was still breathing and trying to find him when he managed to crawl off somewhere to hide (most likely from me making sure he was OK ha ha).

My last night with him was a rough one.  He had manged to make it up stairs and hid himself in the bottom of a cat tower we have.  I made sure he was still breathing and tried to fall asleep.  I managed two hours from about 1am to little after 3am when I woke up to find he had some how made his way up on the bed.  I still don't know how he did this because it was his back legs that weren't working.  He curled up in his usual spot on my legs and fell asleep for an hour or so.  I didn't have the heart to fall back asleep because I knew this was our last time together so I just enjoyed watching him.  He woke up, saw that I was awake and excitedly tried to make it over to me, which he really couldn't so I helped him over and we cuddled until about 7am when I started to get up and ready for work.  Once he saw me up he tried to jump down so I moved him to the floor so he could see what I was up to.  Smudge took one look at him, sniffed his head, and made the most horrible howling while leaving the room.  For a dumb cat, he sure knew what was up.  I left for work early because I knew if I didn't leave then I'd never make it out of the house and for the next 7 hours I watched the clock to his 3pm appointment.  I give my husband uber amounts of credit for bringing him in.  There's no way in hell I could have done it.  At a little after 3pm I got a text saying the vet really wanted to make sure it was kidney failure and he was admitting him for the night.  I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me at this point.  All this hype and it's being prolonged another day.  I was so glad they kept him though so I could at least try and get some sleep.  By noon the next day it was confirmed...stage 4.  So, my wonderful husband went back and was with him when they put him down.  He assured me it was a peaceful experience and that he was no longer suffering.  The both of us felt a sense of relief.  I think we both knew his time was coming up soon because of his weight loss, but you come to more tolerable conclusions.  Fatty hogs the bowl so he doesn't get a lot, he's old, he's got arthritis, etc.  Outside of him losing weight up until 2 Friday's ago where he had what we now think is a seizure, he was his normal self.  Running around and still eating and drinking and typically being Smokey. 

Although the what ifs came for a visit they were short lived.  I know in my heart we gave him the best possible life and care.  The first vet told my husband that with his breed, kidney failure shows up around the 7-8 year mark.  Smokey would have been 15 in October.  I think that, alone, says we did a good job.  We should be getting his ashes Monday and will be burying him in the back with his favorite pink teddy bear that he carried around since he was a kitten.  In the mean time we still have two crack head cats left that keep us thoroughly entertained.  Of course we are now a little paranoid when it comes to them and getting a little anxious when something looks a bit out of place, but I'm sure this is normal and will pass.  They are adjusting, we are adjusting and I'm sure by this time next month we'll be back to normal.  Right now it's still hard.  I still expect to see him when I come home, and napping on the weekend will never be the same since we always did that together.  But, the circle of life will continue to continue.  We both love animals way too much to not have them in our lives and when these two are gone (hopefully 10 years or more from now), other shelter kitties and/or doggies will enter our lives.  I always told Justin if we could ever afford a huge barn like house, I'd adopt all the older dogs and cats from the shelter that everyone ignores and let them enjoy their Sr. years being spoiled with us.  Maybe one day.

Much Love and Light

~Tammy

Lesson 2

As I stated in my last blog I had...well, have...mixed emotions starting the program again.  I, however, didn't bet on having such a hard time with it.  I feel like I did seven years ago with out the limitations I had.  I feel happy, then angry, then lost and anything else you can find in between.  I'm having doubts even though I know the program works.  Regardless of my feelings at the moment, I'm living proof it works.  I had to ask my husband if I was a complete yo-yo when I started last time.  He assured me I was.  And, by yo-yo I mean having emotional highs and lows not being a doofus, although I'm good at that too.

I'm on lesson 3 now, but I wanted to re-cap lesson 2.

I'm sure I spoke about panic attacks before and I'm sure I'll talk about them again.   It's important to know that EVERYONE has had a panic or anxiety attack at some time in their lives whether they have an anxiety disorder or not.  It is also important to know that YOU CAUSE THIS!  The Fight or Flight system that our complicated bodies have is a magnificent thing.  It's great when we truly need it when in a life or death situation or something else of that magnitude.  However, we tend to over use and abuse this power we have.  We lie to ourselves so intensely and consistently that we believe what we are thinking is real and it starts the cycle.  Our bodies are duped into thinking there is an actual crisis and it starts dumping hormones into our important organs causing them to engorge, pump, and react faster than ever before.  Adrenaline starts pouring into our blood stream which boosts our energy level a million times over so that if we do need to flee, we have the resources to do so.  The problem is, we are sitting at our desk thinking about a tiny twinge in our foot that must now be cancer.  Because we've scared ourselves over a complete lie, our bodies are now high strung and on edge.  BUT, we aren't doing anything to burn it off because there is no danger in reality, just in our highly imaginative minds.  This leads us to forget about what caused the panic cycle to begin with and now we are focused on the body symptoms that come along with the Fight or Flight response.  "My heart is beating fast, I'm going to have a heart attack."  "My head is spinning, I'm going to faint."  "My breathing is short, what if it stops?"  Etc., etc., etc.

Panic attacks are no fun and I wouldn't wish them upon my worst enemy.  They scare the life out of us, get us all worked up for what seems like forever but only lasts maybe 20 minutes and then exhausts us into depression.  The good news is no one has ever died of a panic attack, they don't last forever, and you do have the power to control and eventually eliminate them.  Body symptoms are completely normal.  Once you learn to float with the feelings and not be so afraid of them, the panic attacks will start to lessen.  Talk to yourself to remind yourself that "of course my heart is pounding, I scared myself."  "Of course I'm dizzy, I'm having a panic attack and it will pass."  Stop shadow boxing your scary thoughts, you won't win.  Turn away and give them no power.

They key to getting rid of panic attacks is accepting the fact that you have them and you can either make it better or make it worse simply by how you think.  Once you have a external stressor (I think I made that word up) keep it there.  If you start to get body symptoms because you are entering a panic attack recognize that it's just anxiety and accept that it's perfectly normal to feel this way.  Be kind to yourself and tell yourself it's okay to feel this way.  Make sure you remember to breath (circle breathing or 2/4 breathing) is best which is breathing through your nose for 2 seconds, and then out of your mouth for 4 seconds...TRUE seconds, this isn't a race.  Make sure you be as positive and kind to yourself as you can.  If it's still not eliminating your symptoms then get up and do something.  Help burn that energy off.  Clean the house, go for a walk, play with your kids, etc.  Don't forget to laugh at yourself.  Humor, although panic attacks are not a funny thing especially in the beginning, is a great way to counteract anxious/negative feelings.  It's like anxiety's kryptonite.

I promise the more your practice this the better it gets.  Sometimes I couple humor into the beginning of a panic attack.  "Oh, it's YOU again, huh?  Well c'mon show me what you got!  You wanna go?"  It's OKAY to be silly with it.  That probably helps me most often, but it didn't at the beginning so if that doesn't work for you, figure out what does.  YOU ARE IN CONTROL!  And, you can do this!

Much Love and Light

~Tammy