Today was a good day. It's the first day in a probably a month where I didn't feel that general anxious feeling all day long. In fact, today is the first day I didn't have to tell myself to stop scaring myself...although the day is not over, yet. I really think I'm over the nasty hump and am on my way down the anxiety hill. This side of the hill is much nicer with luscious green grass and the most beautiful flowers you've ever seen. The sky is blue, the clouds are colorful and the temperature is nice and warm. It's nice to be here. Before I know it I'll be on that flat meadow where this is view most days. I can't wait.
Work was pretty boring (as it is this time of year) since most people are away for the holidays. BUT, I didn't spend my day consumed with fear. My boss even let me leave at 2:30pm which was nice. I had some down time at home before I had to head to the gym. I had a pretty awesome work out and even though I had a mini panic attack during it (I'm always afraid of passing out and when I exercise hard I feel a bit light headed) I finished my training session and felt pretty damn good after it. Now I'm sitting here trying to decide what to have for dinner. Why did I tell you all of that? Because it's the little things that we take for granted. Normal people go through this routine on a daily basis. Anxious people spend 24 hours a day worrying about things that feel very real to them, but may not be. Anxious people don't take down time at work to fiddle around and do nothing, they spend that time looking symptoms up on the Internet. Anxious people don't pat themselves on the back for feeling the panic attack, recognizing it and then overcoming it...they beat themselves up over it. 99% of what "normal" people do every day on autopilot anxious people don't feel/do. So, when we are feeling good and can be mindful about what we are doing, that's a huge thing for us. That is why I include things like that. It also reminds me that I did well today :) I'll never forget the first time I went out and pumped my own gas. I think I had permasmile for a week. Remember, for those just tuning in, I was agoraphobic. I could only leave the house by myself to go to work and to my parents house...oh and the Dr. because I'm a hypochondriac after all. My parents house was my safe place and I had to work so I had to go there. Everywhere else I went I had to have someone else with me or I wouldn't go and even with someone with me it was a horrific experience for me internally.
But, anyway, that was many years ago and we know that if we are stuck in the past we are depressed, if we are stuck in the future we are anxious but if you are living in the present, we are at peace.
Much love and light~
Tammy
Monday, December 30, 2013
Friday, December 27, 2013
Gratitude Jars
Firstly, I want to thank all of those who reached out to me about my post yesterday and shared their experiences. It is certainly nice to know that I am not the only one who has had these feelings and fears. I sat on the fence for a bit yesterday deciding whether or not I should share yesterday's babbles. Ultimately I decided that I needed to. When I first was aware that I had an anxiety disorder, I kept it a secret as much as I could. I didn't want people to think less of me or think I'm crazy. When I started to feel a bit better I started to open up more about it. Low and behold, the more people I told, the more people told me they had similar issues. Go figure! I decided then that I was no longer ashamed of my issues and would share them when needed. Obviously this blog is no different. Although it would be nice if if were all happy go lucky posts full of positivity, I know that is not reality. I will fight this disorder my entire life and to think I will never have set backs is unrealistic.
At any rate...Gratitude Jars. Last year I came across a post on Pinterest about a Gratitude Jar. It bothers me that every year around this time people claim that the year they are in was down right shitty and they hope next year is better. Every year. People (and I'm guilty of this too) focus way too much on the negatives and tend to forget about the positives. Yes, I understand that bad things happen to everyone every year, but I'm willing to bet it wasn't 365 days of crap. A gratitude jar is a jar or container that you keep out (Mine says "Life is Good") and starting on January 1st you write all the good things that happen to you on little pieces of paper and keep it in the jar. I also included trinkets like my shoe tag from my first Warrior Dash or my Maroon 5 ticket. I make sure I write the date on my notes because I plan on continuing this every year and this way I can keep all of the old notes in one place and not have to separate them into different boxes. On New Year's Eve, you open your jar and read all of the good things that happened to you that year. I always try to reflect on all the good things that happen to me through out the year on NYE but I think this is going to be a lot more fun. My jar is pretty full and I'm very much looking forward to seeing everything I wrote. I use scrap book paper so it looks pretty in the jar.
I challenge everyone reading this to try it this year. You have a few more days to go out and find a jar or container of your choice. I have a large mason jar, but the one I made for my niece for Christmas is a clear glass vase. Decorate it as you choose. Like I said, mine says "Life is Good" on it, but the one I made my niece simply says "Gratitude Jar". The choice is yours. Keep it in view so you remember to add to it. It may take some reminding at first but before you know it you'll be looking forward to getting home to add your good memories to it. I look forward to hearing your experiences!
At any rate...Gratitude Jars. Last year I came across a post on Pinterest about a Gratitude Jar. It bothers me that every year around this time people claim that the year they are in was down right shitty and they hope next year is better. Every year. People (and I'm guilty of this too) focus way too much on the negatives and tend to forget about the positives. Yes, I understand that bad things happen to everyone every year, but I'm willing to bet it wasn't 365 days of crap. A gratitude jar is a jar or container that you keep out (Mine says "Life is Good") and starting on January 1st you write all the good things that happen to you on little pieces of paper and keep it in the jar. I also included trinkets like my shoe tag from my first Warrior Dash or my Maroon 5 ticket. I make sure I write the date on my notes because I plan on continuing this every year and this way I can keep all of the old notes in one place and not have to separate them into different boxes. On New Year's Eve, you open your jar and read all of the good things that happened to you that year. I always try to reflect on all the good things that happen to me through out the year on NYE but I think this is going to be a lot more fun. My jar is pretty full and I'm very much looking forward to seeing everything I wrote. I use scrap book paper so it looks pretty in the jar.
I challenge everyone reading this to try it this year. You have a few more days to go out and find a jar or container of your choice. I have a large mason jar, but the one I made for my niece for Christmas is a clear glass vase. Decorate it as you choose. Like I said, mine says "Life is Good" on it, but the one I made my niece simply says "Gratitude Jar". The choice is yours. Keep it in view so you remember to add to it. It may take some reminding at first but before you know it you'll be looking forward to getting home to add your good memories to it. I look forward to hearing your experiences!
Much Love and Light~
Tammy
Thursday, December 26, 2013
I'm a hypochondriac
It's funny how when you are feeling good your mind is no longer pre-occupied with the things that your anxious mind has front stage. I was editing some things on my facebook page and was reminded of this awesome blog that I started with such high hopes. Not only did I want to continue helping myself, but I thought publicly verbalizing my struggles might help those going through similar experiences.
My life, the past few weeks, has been pure hell. I said when I first started that I was going to be honest, and that is being honest. My anxiety has gotten to a place where it hasn't been in probably ten years and it hit me out of the blue. My hypochondriasis is out.of.control. I'm focusing more of the fear of dying then focusing on enjoying life. What makes it worse is I know what is going on (for the most part) and yet I still can't seem to get out of this horrible fear cycle I put myself into! About a year and a half ago I hurt myself. I was at Target, taking a much needed mental break from Tax Season Hell and decided to get out and zen. My husband was working and it was late so I figured what the hey. I remember buying some gardening things that I could use once the weather turned warmer. Before I knew it my cart was pretty full and I decided it was probably best to get out of the store before I became poorer than I already am. On my way to my car, I went all the way down the aisle that was opposite my car. No big deal in my mind, except they have a long grass mall separating the cars where I parked instead of just a painted line. Me being a lazy ass, I decide I'm going to lift the cart over the curb instead of walking all the way around to the other side. I don't right off recall if I felt pain then, but I woke up in the middle of the night with mild discomfort in my left side/abdomen. I also had quite a stomach ache so I really wasn't sure what was going on and attributed the pain to the stomach ache. Fast forward to several weeks later and the pain is still there. It's just a dull ache that comes and goes but it's there none-the-less. My mom makes me hit the walk in clinic (probably because she was tired of me complaining about it) and the Dr. is stumped. It doesn't hurt when he presses on the area or when I twist and bend and none of my symptoms match anything, really. His conclusion is that I probably tore/strained a muscle and sent me home with muscle relaxers (which I didn't take). Slowly but surely the pain subsides, but not completely. I'll have days or maybe a week w/o it at all then it will come back for a day or two...ache...twitch...then go away again. I noticed that after doing a significant abdominal work out (especially using the twisting machine at the gym) that it would ache pretty bad for a day or two after. I also noticed, around this time, that I would go a few days w/o any discomfort but the second I said to myself "hmm I haven't had that pain in a while" the damn thing would come back. It got to a point where I hadn't had any issues for a good several months. Almost a year to the date later, it came back. Now I'm wondering if it's stress related. Makes sense that I wouldn't have any pain (and when I say pain, it has never gotten beyond a 3-4 tops on a scale of 1-10) and then as soon as I think about it, it comes back. I also noticed during this whole ordeal that much like me clenching my jar w/o realizing it, I also contract my ab muscles even when I'm sitting "relaxed". In fact, on more than one occasion, when the ache came back I realized I was engaging my abs and as soon as I relaxed them, the pain left. ANYWAY, the pain subsided and went away again and I forgot about it. Maybe I'd get a twinge here and there if I over did it on the trail or at the gym, but nothing substantial. November comes around and my anxiety over traveling has set in, plus putting things together for our anniversary dinner and such. Two days before leaving the pain comes back except this time I'm already anxious and I can't ignore it. I've already replayed me having severe pains (even though that has never happened) while flying and them having to do an emergency landing or do some sort of CPR on me while on the plane. How embarrassing! Of course none of that happened and it went away for the week and promptly came back the night before we left to fly home. Went away again for a week and now it has been back for a week and here I am now. Meanwhile, I though my anxiety would disappear once we got back from Vegas since traveling is over. Unfortunately it has heightened tenfold. I am feeling a lot of the same feelings I had before I got help. The pain in my abdomen has killed me 30 different times in 20 different ways in the past week (all in my head of course). I'm completely obsessive like how I was before I got help when I had appendicitis and heart attacks on a weekly basis (not really, of course). This afternoon I was completely convinced I had pancreatic cancer for about an hour then dulled it down to pancreatitis. Why? Because the pain is on the left hand side. Never mind the fact that I don't have any other symptom than mild discomfort on that side. Thought about it all.day.long making me sick and down right miserable. Obsessing, like usual, I look up where the pancreas is located on my phone when I got home from work. Yeah, it's on the same side but much lower (down near my navel) and not up where my stomach is. So that was a whole day wasted. I went to double check the phone because why believe it the first time and I kept getting an error message. Okay, I get it, divine intervention. BUT I managed to get around that a few hours later but triple checking on my computer.
So...I've been wrapped up in being completely miserable with an anxiety level at about 30 over what has shown itself to me as nothing for the past 1.5 years. Because, really, what makes more sense...the fact that I started this pain a mere six hours after improperly lifting a very heavy object, that acts up when I stress the muscle either with ab exercises or subconsciously tensing my stomach muscles during stressful times and goes away when I relax the muscles or I'm consumed with something so my anxiety is gone OR I'm dying of 20 different deadly diseases that my only symptom matches...which is that I have a dull ache in that area. I think it's pretty obvious I'm dying ;) Truth be told, other than this issue, I've been in the best health I have been in probably my whole life thanks to running.
Seriously, though, this growth spurt has really thrown me for a loop. I've been lazy and eating like crap for the past month and I'm sure that has a A LOT to do with it. I really need to get back to running, back to meditating and lay off all the sweets. Sugar/caffeine are horrible triggers and exercising is nature's xanax.
My New Year's Resolution for this year (which I'll write about next week) is to have inner and outer harmony. I can't wait to get back to that peaceful place!
Much love and light,
Tammy
My life, the past few weeks, has been pure hell. I said when I first started that I was going to be honest, and that is being honest. My anxiety has gotten to a place where it hasn't been in probably ten years and it hit me out of the blue. My hypochondriasis is out.of.control. I'm focusing more of the fear of dying then focusing on enjoying life. What makes it worse is I know what is going on (for the most part) and yet I still can't seem to get out of this horrible fear cycle I put myself into! About a year and a half ago I hurt myself. I was at Target, taking a much needed mental break from Tax Season Hell and decided to get out and zen. My husband was working and it was late so I figured what the hey. I remember buying some gardening things that I could use once the weather turned warmer. Before I knew it my cart was pretty full and I decided it was probably best to get out of the store before I became poorer than I already am. On my way to my car, I went all the way down the aisle that was opposite my car. No big deal in my mind, except they have a long grass mall separating the cars where I parked instead of just a painted line. Me being a lazy ass, I decide I'm going to lift the cart over the curb instead of walking all the way around to the other side. I don't right off recall if I felt pain then, but I woke up in the middle of the night with mild discomfort in my left side/abdomen. I also had quite a stomach ache so I really wasn't sure what was going on and attributed the pain to the stomach ache. Fast forward to several weeks later and the pain is still there. It's just a dull ache that comes and goes but it's there none-the-less. My mom makes me hit the walk in clinic (probably because she was tired of me complaining about it) and the Dr. is stumped. It doesn't hurt when he presses on the area or when I twist and bend and none of my symptoms match anything, really. His conclusion is that I probably tore/strained a muscle and sent me home with muscle relaxers (which I didn't take). Slowly but surely the pain subsides, but not completely. I'll have days or maybe a week w/o it at all then it will come back for a day or two...ache...twitch...then go away again. I noticed that after doing a significant abdominal work out (especially using the twisting machine at the gym) that it would ache pretty bad for a day or two after. I also noticed, around this time, that I would go a few days w/o any discomfort but the second I said to myself "hmm I haven't had that pain in a while" the damn thing would come back. It got to a point where I hadn't had any issues for a good several months. Almost a year to the date later, it came back. Now I'm wondering if it's stress related. Makes sense that I wouldn't have any pain (and when I say pain, it has never gotten beyond a 3-4 tops on a scale of 1-10) and then as soon as I think about it, it comes back. I also noticed during this whole ordeal that much like me clenching my jar w/o realizing it, I also contract my ab muscles even when I'm sitting "relaxed". In fact, on more than one occasion, when the ache came back I realized I was engaging my abs and as soon as I relaxed them, the pain left. ANYWAY, the pain subsided and went away again and I forgot about it. Maybe I'd get a twinge here and there if I over did it on the trail or at the gym, but nothing substantial. November comes around and my anxiety over traveling has set in, plus putting things together for our anniversary dinner and such. Two days before leaving the pain comes back except this time I'm already anxious and I can't ignore it. I've already replayed me having severe pains (even though that has never happened) while flying and them having to do an emergency landing or do some sort of CPR on me while on the plane. How embarrassing! Of course none of that happened and it went away for the week and promptly came back the night before we left to fly home. Went away again for a week and now it has been back for a week and here I am now. Meanwhile, I though my anxiety would disappear once we got back from Vegas since traveling is over. Unfortunately it has heightened tenfold. I am feeling a lot of the same feelings I had before I got help. The pain in my abdomen has killed me 30 different times in 20 different ways in the past week (all in my head of course). I'm completely obsessive like how I was before I got help when I had appendicitis and heart attacks on a weekly basis (not really, of course). This afternoon I was completely convinced I had pancreatic cancer for about an hour then dulled it down to pancreatitis. Why? Because the pain is on the left hand side. Never mind the fact that I don't have any other symptom than mild discomfort on that side. Thought about it all.day.long making me sick and down right miserable. Obsessing, like usual, I look up where the pancreas is located on my phone when I got home from work. Yeah, it's on the same side but much lower (down near my navel) and not up where my stomach is. So that was a whole day wasted. I went to double check the phone because why believe it the first time and I kept getting an error message. Okay, I get it, divine intervention. BUT I managed to get around that a few hours later but triple checking on my computer.
So...I've been wrapped up in being completely miserable with an anxiety level at about 30 over what has shown itself to me as nothing for the past 1.5 years. Because, really, what makes more sense...the fact that I started this pain a mere six hours after improperly lifting a very heavy object, that acts up when I stress the muscle either with ab exercises or subconsciously tensing my stomach muscles during stressful times and goes away when I relax the muscles or I'm consumed with something so my anxiety is gone OR I'm dying of 20 different deadly diseases that my only symptom matches...which is that I have a dull ache in that area. I think it's pretty obvious I'm dying ;) Truth be told, other than this issue, I've been in the best health I have been in probably my whole life thanks to running.
Seriously, though, this growth spurt has really thrown me for a loop. I've been lazy and eating like crap for the past month and I'm sure that has a A LOT to do with it. I really need to get back to running, back to meditating and lay off all the sweets. Sugar/caffeine are horrible triggers and exercising is nature's xanax.
My New Year's Resolution for this year (which I'll write about next week) is to have inner and outer harmony. I can't wait to get back to that peaceful place!
Much love and light,
Tammy
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