The second leg of this anxiety journey has proven to be a harder one than I ever imagined. I feel so frustrated and conflicted in a way I've never felt before. I think it's because I know how I was but I also know what it's like to be free from anxiety so I'm constantly fighting with myself. I feel like a dog that keeps chasing his tail.
It's clear that this time around I have far more depression than I did the first time around. Last time I was so anxious and agoraphobic that I completely isolated myself in my house as well as within my own brain. I was depressed, sure, as anxiety and depression go hand and hand, but I was far too anxiety ridden to even care about it. I was plagued with limitations, irrational fears, scary thoughts, panic attacks and anything else you can think of so feeling down didn't really bother me too much. This time I don't have the limitations I did, before. I still get panic attacks but they are far and few between and I know exactly what they are and how to handle them. I still have irrational fears, but I work on those so now it seems like all I feel is depressed, bummed out, moody, and angry. I'm angry because I feel like I can't just snap out of it. I realize I have deeper issues with the loss of my brother, with the loss of smokey, but in a way I think I'm mourning myself most of all. I know this disorder is a life long illness. Much like an alcoholic or a drug addict, I have a bad habit that is bad for my health. It sucks me in at times and I have to fight my way to get out of it. And, much like someone with this kind of addiction, it's so disappointing when a set back jumps up and wiggles in our faces. I've been focusing so much on the negative and putting blinders on to the big picture. My biggest fear at this point is that I'm not giving my "all" to the program like I did nine years ago (yeah I thought it was seven, but it's nine). This has to stop right now.
Yesterday I had a long chat with my wonderful husband. He described this set back in a way that I could understand. I'm a very visual person so I usually need to have things spelled out, drawn out, or painted for me in order to understand. He asked me to imagine my disorder like a wall I painted. When it dried, I notice a few spots I missed. I wouldn't go and re-paint the entire wall, I'd re-paint the spots I missed. That made so much sense to me in terms of the program. I'm listening to the entire thing (which you have to) but I'm going through parts I already painted and essentially healed. It's going to be harder to pick out and utilize the parts I missed the first time and need right now. It doesn't mean that I'm half assing the program, it simply means I'm not needing to re-paint these parts of the wall but it's great to refresh the area to make sure I got it all. BUT, at the same time, I can't go into it thinking "I don't need to listen to this, I know it already" because I may tune out to that one important part that I need to give me that "ah ha" moment of healing.
I was contemplating starting over again and being more in tuned to the program, but Justin said that I shouldn't based on the above. I think I will back step a lesson or two and really work on the ones I need at this point. The angry lesson in particular. I have to get back to a place where I'm not a reactionary person. I need to put that filter back up because it doesn't make me feel good to be so angry and bothered, just as it doesn't make the person feel good I'm lashing out on. I also need to start blogging more. Getting my feelings out really helps, and I don't know why I stopped it. I don't even journal in private so I'm bottling things up. Never a good thing with an anxious mind.
Bottom line is I just have to get up and do it. I know how I'm feeling, and I know that I don't like it so I need to stop poo pooing about it and change it. Will all my days be happy from now on? Yeah right! Not even close, but this is what we call life. If we were happy all the time we wouldn't appreciate it as much.
I'll be away this weekend for a wedding, but I am hoping to start up my weekly Friday blog like I was doing over the winter. Now that it's getting cooler and darker out sooner and I am no longer painting my house...I think I will have the time to do it. I have to MAKE the time to do it.
Thanks for listening to me babble.
Much Love and Light
~Tammy
