Fourth Chakra

For those of you not familiar with the chakras, the fourth chakra is also known as you heart chakra because that is where it is located on your body (your chest).  This chakra is primarily associated with the color green but can also be associated with soft pink/rose color.  It has the element of air, the note of A and powers the arms, breasts, hands, heart, wrists, lungs, circulatory system, and shoulders.  When your heart chakra is balanced you feel safe, loved, secure, trusting, belonging, and like your basic needs are being met.  When your chakra is closed or even too open (both can happen) you feel fear, greed, insecure and isolated.  You can also have problems with arthritis, hemorrhoids, constipation, sciatica, knee problems, arthritis, and bone problems.  Why do I bring this up?  Because I had a very emotional meditation session based on the fourth chakra.

Every first Friday of the month, a local PT place has a crystal bowl meditation class.  Last month was my first time and it was a general meditation (meaning not chakra based) focusing on our intentions for the new year.  I have never participated in a crystal bowl meditation before, so the idea was exciting to me.  Besides, even though I meditate frequently and am going to school for it now, it's nice to have an hour to yourself every month to reflect.  Being in a group meditation setting has always been a powerful way for me to meditation because even though we are reflecting and balancing ourselves, you can feel the energy of everyone else in the room reaching the same goal.  If you ever get a chance to attend a group meditation of any kind, I highly recommend it.

Anyway, crystal bowl meditation is like mindful meditation (where you focus on breath) mixed with crystal bowls aka singing bowls.  Because we are made of mostly water, energy and vibrations are very important in our lives, whether we notice them or not.  Jurassic Park showed the world on how vibrations can manipulate water.  Since we are made up of so much water, the sound vibrations of the bowls have the same effect.  If you allow yourself and practice this, it is said to be very healing.  Each tone works on different parts of the body (you can look up singing bowls or even the solfeggio scale both of which I like a lot).  So, because of Valentine's day being next week, our instructor decided to work on the heart chakra.

Sometimes you have days where meditation is super chatty and you can't really concentrate.  The purpose of meditation isn't necessarily to quiet your mind, but to be non judgmental to what comes to you and when distractions do come in, you look at them at face value and quietly push them out of your brain and focus back on your breath.  By doing this, you learn to be open to anything and at the same time you learn to not be immediately reactive (which we are all guilty of).  A lot of answers can come to you this way if you focus on just being instead of forcing possibilities.  Anything forced is usually clouded, jaded and leaves you with doubt.

Sometimes you have meditations that just hit you and bring on strong emotions.  This is what happened to me on Friday.  Because of Dennis' anniversary Wednesday and because of certain stresses happening in my life at the moment, I was very much looking forward to meditation class.  I got stuck in traffic, so I missed 10 minutes of it, but I quickly settled down and found my om.  As she was saying some things about the heart chakra that really resonated with me at the moment, I got that feeling that I was exactly where I needed to be at that moment (I love it when that happens).  And, then she began to play the bowls again.  Whatever sequence she was playing just overwhelmed me with emotion.  I wasn't necessarily sad, but I couldn't help but silently cry my eyes out.  This is the third time this has happened to me during a meditation, BTW, and I believe the first time was also during a fourth chakra meditation.  Shortly there after my heart started palpitating like crazy!  Clearly I was very blocked in this area (it's been a while since I've aligned myself).  At any rate, I felt very peaceful after the meditation was over and I am happy to report that I had, for the first time in a very long time, a really good night's sleep with out any sleep aids.

So, what's my point?  I don't have one.  I just wanted to share my awesome experience from the other night while touching a tad on some meditation information.

Much love and light~

Tammy

Three years later

Three years later, I wish I could come to you with some superior words of wisdom.  I wish I could come to you with some poetic, yet meaningful, post that resonates with all of you and makes you a little wiser.  Unfortunately I can't do any of those things.

I knew today was coming up fast and I had some mixed emotions about it.  I didn't want to sit and sulk like I have done for the past two.  In fact, I saw a post somewhere about doing a random act of kindness on 2/5/14 so I decided that maybe this is what I'll do to honor my brother instead of rehashing everything.  Not that my intent is to rehash it every year but contrary to popular belief, I can't just stop remembering it.  I'll never forget it and those who think I could possibly not think about it or him daily must have never lost anyone close otherwise they wouldn't make such an idiotic comment.

At any rate, my plan was to do RAKs today as my way of honoring Dennis since I wanted to do something "for" him.  Little did I know, that would prove to be impossible to do today.  I woke up this morning to find a text from my boss saying I could stay home because the weather was crappy.  WOOHOO my very first snow day!  I was so excited by it, I did what any kid would do on a snow day...go make some hot chocolate and dance around in glee!  After making Justin's lunch I decided I was going to snuggle with the cat and play online a bit.  That's when I saw the date.  I knew yesterday what today was, but the joyous text I got this morning sort of put it in the back of my mind instead of the front.  So...being stuck in the house...now what?  I didn't feel the same looming feelings of years prior so I went on to have a very relaxing and enjoyable day.  I didn't do a damn thing all day but watch movies, snuggle with the cats and generally laze about.  In other words, I had a really good day on a day that's supposed to be solemn.  I feel relaxed and rejuvenated which is something I rarely feel.  Did I think about him today?  Of course I did, but I think I can honestly say I have gotten to a point in my grief where I've completely come to terms with what happened and I feel at peace with it.  It only took three years, but hey...every one's journey is different and I'm okay with that.

I guess, in a way, I honored my brother by not consuming myself with what this day will always mean to me...to us.  I know he wouldn't want any of us mourning all over again every year and hell maybe he put a bug in my boss' ear to give me the day off to do exactly what I needed to do today.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of him, that I don't see the number 13, that something doesn't remind me of him and that I don't feel him around.  I'll miss him every.single.day for the rest of my life.  And, one day, hopefully many many years down the road, I hope he's there to meet me on the other side...where I will promptly thump his forehead for being an ass and then give him a big hug...because that's what bratty younger sisters do!  <3

Much love and light~

Tammy

I don't understand

I'm really having a hard time understanding how some people go through life, living it the way they live it and have no problems or see no problems with how they are.  I guess that can be said for everyone.  But, I'm not understanding how some people can be so mean, so belittling, so rude and down right nasty.  I also don't understand how when said people are essentially called out on this problem, they turn around and become nastier, ruder, meaner and drop their age by about 50 years and throw a tantrum like a 2 year old.

Okay, I get that no one likes to have the truth pointed out to them especially if they are the asshole in the equation.  But at what point do you let that go and move on?  Why are these people so hellbent on making everyone else miserable and ruining such a good thing in the process?  The same people, who in their tantrum, claim they are about the greater good?  Why can they not see that they were and are still part of the problem?  Why would anyone want to put forth so much effort on being a total dickwad?

All of this constant bickering, backstabbing and the like is doing nothing but leaving me with an even bigger migraine than I had before and making me second guess everything that has gone on.  Should I have just went along with the ride like so many others have before me?  Or quit like so many others did instead?  I pride myself on not having any regrets because everything that has ever happened in my life or will ever happen in my life happens for a reason.  But, I have to be honest and say this is quickly starting to look like my first one.  I know things get worse before they get better and I'm usually the one driving the positive float on the piss parade but this is really starting to get to me.  I feel like I'm back in grade school trying to hide from the bully.  I guess the only thing I can hope for, right now, is seeing a light at the end of that famous tunnel.

I don't even know how to end this.  I've never been flabbergasted so many times in my entire life than I have over the past month.   I just don't even know what to say anymore.

Much love and light~

Tammy

Moving forward

Now that my super anxious bout has subsided...and I no longer think I'm dying...I've been slowly trying to put on my big girl undies and move on with life.  I'm having the worst case of winter blues I have every had in my entire life.  All I want to do is sleep, but then again, my insomnia is back with a vengeance so that's not happening either.  I have lost my desire to do a lot of things.  I haven't run consistently since the end of October.  It's a vicious cycle!  I know that eating poorly (or not really at all) and not exercising is heightening my anxiety/depression issues yet I am letting those issues take over enough so I'm not getting up and putting the effort in to actually get off my ass and eat correctly.   I am hoping February brings better feelings and positive changes regardless of it being tax season.

On a more positive note, I found the school that I felt was best suited for me and my needs to get my teaching certificate for meditation.  I waited a few weeks to be sure.  I kept doing research on it and re-reading the website and just looking around in general so I knew I was making the right decision for me.  Not to mention the fact that Venus was in retrograde, so I didn't want that clouding my judgement in any way, even though I found this school way before that happened.  I researched several schools but this one just spoke to me right off the bat.  I felt a sense of peace reading up on it and getting an idea on what I would be doing to obtain my certificate.   In other words, every fiber of my being was telling me this was the one.  So...last week I bit the bullet and applied.  I found it a tad strange that my application asked what my hobbies were.  Is that normal?  It's been a long time since I applied for school.  I SOOOOO wanted to say something like "I like long walks on the beach..." but figured a university application was not the best place to be my normal sarcastic self.  Good news is I was accepted!!  I received my books a few days ago and plan on taking my time with the program.  I already spoke with my professor and get a really good vibe from him.  And, if that wasn't enough to completely convince me, the first chapter of one of my books completely resonated with me and my life.  It was the final confirmation I guess I needed to say...yes...this is where you are meant to be.  I'm very super excited about this journey and will probably write about it a lot.  And, yes, I know I was "stupid", AGAIN, to start school during tax season but there are two reasons for that.  1) I want to earn this certificate sooner rather than later so I can start my business and 2) I think it may be beneficial to learn different meditation techniques during this time.  I also have to do a minimum of 60 hours (can't log more than an hour a day) of meditation practice in order to be able to take my final exam.  Hopefully I won't be as stressed out because of this.

At any rate, this is where I am today.  Next week may be a different story, but I'll worry about that when I get there.

Love and light~

Tammy