Yes, I'm still alive! The last few weeks of tax season are always the busiest and the hardest on me emotionally and regardless of what people like to believe (It's the same way every year you should be used to it) it doesn't make it any easier or less stressful.
It's safe to say that the past year + has been a long roller coaster ride. I'm at the 7 year mark of "recovery" which is that all too familiar number when people's emotions tend to go all wonky in all aspects of life. Then there's my brothers death that I told the world I dealt with ok but just really stuffed everything deep down inside (and here I just thought my hips were getting fatter ;) ). I am having a harder time this past year than I have in the past 7 and I'm allowing it to take over more than I would like. At least I'm recognizing it faster and am more willing to listen to others telling me I'm being ____ fill in the blank. I feel so out of control lately and so lost at the same time. I just don't know what I want, how I feel, or why it has started. I'm in that funky middle of blah that will last a few weeks then I'll be uplifted and rejuvenated for a few weeks then back down to blah. Old habits are so easy to come creeping back in and I need to start focusing on combating that. I simply need to be more grounded.
Negativity is yet another issue that goes hand and hand with anxiety. People who suffer from anxiety disorders are insanely negative even if they don't think they are. It's a huge problem that just festers under the skin and boils over all day every day. Negative thinking is nothing but a bad habit. Our thinking is automatic to what is bad in life vs. what is good in life. We find fault in everything around us. We seem to hate everything with out even knowing it. We turn our noses up at things and make funny faces at ideas. We never take time to think of the possibilities because we've already shot it down. Do I need to go on?
This is one of the symptoms of the disorder that will probably make you lose the most friends. No one wants to be around someone who is negative all.the.time. Of course everyone in life has negative thoughts but when you dwell on them and outwardly express them chronically, it doesn't make for a friendly environment for you or anyone around you. I admit there are several friends I have that I shied away from when I got better simply because all they had to say was something bad. I also openly admit that there are several people on my FB page that are hidden because of the same thing. I also know that there are some people reading this right now and thinking "oh crap I bet it's me" haha. If you have that thought, then maybe it's time to put some positivity in your life...yes?
I've been Negative Nancy lately and after having a long and random chat with my husband at 1 am the other night (due to a panic attack), we've decided that it really needs to stop. I knew I was being more negative than normal, but when other people are noticing then it's really time to knock it off. Not for them, always for me. During our chat, I came to the awful realization that I am at a point in my anxiety journey that has left me wondering who the hell I am. My husband asked me to focus on things I like and make me happy and quite frankly I couldn't think of anything. That's pretty sad. I don't know what I want in life, truly I don't. I went from being cooped up in my head for years and then locked in my house for an additional seven or so years to breaking free and trying to do everything I missed on all at once. While I am thankful for being better and getting out and doing things like a "normal" person does, it didn't leave me much time to find who I am. Now that life is slowing back down a bit I'm really left with "now what?" It's sad, I guess, that I don't know who I am, what I want, or even what I like. On top of that, I don't even know how to go about finding those answers. One thing is for sure, I need to start focusing on the positives in life and go from there. One cannot find himself by hating the world, that's for damn sure.
So, my first priority is to ground myself. My second priority is getting out of the house and enjoying my surroundings (Husband's orders) ;) I am going to accomplish both of those by jumping into something I do actually love (but took me a whole day of thinking about it to have that AH-HA moment) which is gardening. I can't think of a better way of grounding yourself than becoming one with the dirt and making things grow from basically nothing. This also gets me out in the world and back to living in the moment. I am also going to start carrying around my negative notebook. Think of it as the Handy Dandy Notebook w/o Blue and her clues. It was a homework assignment in the program I did and what I had to do was write down every negative thought I had through out the day. You HAVE to write them down. Why? Because believe it or not, unless you are Mr. Rogers, you have more negative thoughts a day than you think, and you won't remember them all. After doing that for a day or so, then you write down your negative thoughts and then a positive though underneath it. For example... This client is a complete jackass (negative) This client isn't out to give me a hard time, they just don't know better (positive). Pretty soon, you'll find yourself stopping the negative thoughts before you even completely think them and sub them with positives. You should give it a try and tell me how it goes. Seriously. In a month's time I bet thinking positive becomes more automatic than thinking negative. It's a much better way to live and I'm excited to start and possibly finding out who I am in the process.
Much Love and Light~
Tammy
Friday, March 30, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
Saturday, March 17, 2012
We are the world...
and their problems are ours!
Another symptoms, side effect, or whatever you'd like to call it, of an anxiety disorder is emotionally bonding ourselves to everything. As if we didn't have enough emotional problems of our own, we feel the need to unnecessarily take on other people's problems too. I'm not quite certain why we feel the need to do this. Maybe it's because we secretly want to belong so we invite ourselves into everything hoping to fix it and be liked or maybe our brains are tired of our own problems that they try someone else's on for size for a while. For whatever reason it is, it seems to be automatic and it ensures our brains and our bodies complete exhaustion.
Here are some examples of what I mean:
I'm driving to work and I see someone go right on red when there's a sign clearly stating "no right on red." Ordinary people would call them an asshat and move on. Not us! We make that problem our own by fuming about it. Re-living the incident in our heads over and over and dreaming of them being caught by the cops or a hundred other scenarios we could possible come up with for the next 20 minutes. Why should they break the law and get away with it? *fume, bitch, moan* The only thing we are accomplishing by this is using unnecessary time and energy on something that has absolutely nothing to do with us. It starts our adrenaline going, starts other hormones going, gets us riled up for no reason at all and will probably put us in a bad mood for at least an hour.
Friday, at work, I got a phone call from a client stating that he got another letter from the IRS. I guess he's been getting letters (which my boss is aware of and working on) about his 2009 tax returns. He asks to drop it off, I tell him that's fine. Seconds go by and a friend of his calls (who is also a client) and she tells me more about what is going on and how they are looking to seize his property. Right now I am already starting to worry about this issue as if it is my own, when it has absolutely nothing to do with me. My job is the answer the phone, write down the message, make sure my boss gets the letter and said message, and make sure he calls the client back. THAT'S IT! But, no, my brain is now all flustered worrying about this poor guy and his situation like it was happening to me. So now my body has started with the adrenaline and the like as stated above, except instead of being mad, I'm now worried.
We have enough problems in our own lives, we do not need to take on the world's problems. We know what worry, anger, anxiety, depression, etc. does to us in general, adding to it is just asking for trouble. WE CANNOT CONTROL AND SOLVE EVERYTHING! Even though we like to delude ourselves into thinking we can. Let the appropriate people take care of the problems outside of your space, and you take care of your own problems. Next time something happens and you start to get those "need to control the situation" feelings, stop yourself and tell yourself "it's their problem not mine!" I'm not saying you should lack compassion and empathy, just stop taking on these problems as if they were your own. Help only when it's asked, needed, or warranted. If neither happens, step away. If it's something stupid like example #1, step away. You'll never heal if you continue to beat up your mind and body with needless worry and stress. Work on solving your own problems before you take on the world.
Much Love and Light~
Tammy
Another symptoms, side effect, or whatever you'd like to call it, of an anxiety disorder is emotionally bonding ourselves to everything. As if we didn't have enough emotional problems of our own, we feel the need to unnecessarily take on other people's problems too. I'm not quite certain why we feel the need to do this. Maybe it's because we secretly want to belong so we invite ourselves into everything hoping to fix it and be liked or maybe our brains are tired of our own problems that they try someone else's on for size for a while. For whatever reason it is, it seems to be automatic and it ensures our brains and our bodies complete exhaustion.
Here are some examples of what I mean:
I'm driving to work and I see someone go right on red when there's a sign clearly stating "no right on red." Ordinary people would call them an asshat and move on. Not us! We make that problem our own by fuming about it. Re-living the incident in our heads over and over and dreaming of them being caught by the cops or a hundred other scenarios we could possible come up with for the next 20 minutes. Why should they break the law and get away with it? *fume, bitch, moan* The only thing we are accomplishing by this is using unnecessary time and energy on something that has absolutely nothing to do with us. It starts our adrenaline going, starts other hormones going, gets us riled up for no reason at all and will probably put us in a bad mood for at least an hour.
Friday, at work, I got a phone call from a client stating that he got another letter from the IRS. I guess he's been getting letters (which my boss is aware of and working on) about his 2009 tax returns. He asks to drop it off, I tell him that's fine. Seconds go by and a friend of his calls (who is also a client) and she tells me more about what is going on and how they are looking to seize his property. Right now I am already starting to worry about this issue as if it is my own, when it has absolutely nothing to do with me. My job is the answer the phone, write down the message, make sure my boss gets the letter and said message, and make sure he calls the client back. THAT'S IT! But, no, my brain is now all flustered worrying about this poor guy and his situation like it was happening to me. So now my body has started with the adrenaline and the like as stated above, except instead of being mad, I'm now worried.
We have enough problems in our own lives, we do not need to take on the world's problems. We know what worry, anger, anxiety, depression, etc. does to us in general, adding to it is just asking for trouble. WE CANNOT CONTROL AND SOLVE EVERYTHING! Even though we like to delude ourselves into thinking we can. Let the appropriate people take care of the problems outside of your space, and you take care of your own problems. Next time something happens and you start to get those "need to control the situation" feelings, stop yourself and tell yourself "it's their problem not mine!" I'm not saying you should lack compassion and empathy, just stop taking on these problems as if they were your own. Help only when it's asked, needed, or warranted. If neither happens, step away. If it's something stupid like example #1, step away. You'll never heal if you continue to beat up your mind and body with needless worry and stress. Work on solving your own problems before you take on the world.
Tammy
Friday, March 16, 2012
Scary Thoughts Revisited...Suicide
I feel the need to go back to one of my previous posts and explain myself better. In my Scary Thoughts post, I did some detailing about what they are and I gave an example of one of the ones I've had in the past. To recap, one of my scary thoughts (which is common among anxiety sufferers) was badly hurting myself like randomly slicing my wrists while shaving in the tub. I went on to say that this is only a scary thought and that it is silly because I'd never actually do that since a big fear for me (and many sufferers) is death. I also went on to say that just because you've had a thought like this doesn't mean you are suicidal.
Here is where I would like to start back up the conversation because looking back I felt like I was downsizing the issue. If you are having these thoughts mentioned above, whether it be cutting, hanging, jumping, pills or any other form of suicide and these thoughts are NOT scary to you and ARE comforting to you, PLEASE go get help. There is a difference between having suicidal scary thoughts and being suicidal. If the thoughts scare you, it's simply a scary thought. If these thoughts don't scare you, seem like a good idea, bring comfort or peace to you, then you are on your way or are already in crisis. If this is you, please call 1-800-273-TALK (8225) right now. There is hope and help here for you and you're life IS worth living.
My brother committed suicide 1 year 1 month 11 days ago. There's not one day that goes by that I don't think of him or miss him. There are days where I hated him (especially in the beginning) and I hated myself for feeling that way. Suicide may feel like a solution to you, but it just becomes and problem and heart ache to everyone who loves you. I wanted to ring my brother's neck when I heard the news. I didn't and probably never will understand why. First and foremost how could he have done this to his kids especially since both of his biological parents also committed suicide. He knew first hand how shitty that feels. And, yeah, I know the statistics weren't on his side since both parents went that way, it didn't make my anger or disappointment any less. Not only did his death leave broken hearts and emptiness but the not knowing why made it 100 times worse. To me, it felt like if I could get some sort of explanation, that would make it better. Unfortunately we'll never get that. He didn't even leave a note. To this day I still feel like it may have made me feel better if he left one as silly as that sounds.
And then, there's the guilt. I think my mom felt it more than any of us and I'm sure my dad just kept it to himself. "What could I have done differently...." Unfortunately, the answer is nothing. More often than not this blind sides the family and friends because the person in crisis is consumed and embarrassed by such feelings because of the social stigma behind it and unfortunately that causes them to hide and not seek help. It's a vicious cycle that I would love to see changed. The world needs to stop seeing this as an embarrassing issue and start seeing it as an illness that needs attention like any other illness out there. Millions of people have these thoughts and feelings, that alone should prove that these people are not alone and that there is nothing to hang their head in shame over. Society would never allow a person with cancer to feel bad about their disease so why should a mental illness be treated any less? We also need to start treating the disease instead of just shoving random pills down these poor people's throats. I can't even tell you how many pills my brother was on. Why can't therapy be prescribed more often? I'm not saying that medications should not be used nor am I saying that it was the medication's fault, but if every time a person comes in with a new symptom a new pill is prescribed, how is that fixing the root issues?
Sorry for the tangent. Bottom line, short story long, I didn't want people to think I was simply minimizing the issue of suicide with my last post. I was simply talking about scary thoughts and not suicide in general. Again, if those thoughts feel good to you, please call the above number. They will never judge you, they just want to give you help you need.
Much Love and Light~
Tammy
Here is where I would like to start back up the conversation because looking back I felt like I was downsizing the issue. If you are having these thoughts mentioned above, whether it be cutting, hanging, jumping, pills or any other form of suicide and these thoughts are NOT scary to you and ARE comforting to you, PLEASE go get help. There is a difference between having suicidal scary thoughts and being suicidal. If the thoughts scare you, it's simply a scary thought. If these thoughts don't scare you, seem like a good idea, bring comfort or peace to you, then you are on your way or are already in crisis. If this is you, please call 1-800-273-TALK (8225) right now. There is hope and help here for you and you're life IS worth living.
My brother committed suicide 1 year 1 month 11 days ago. There's not one day that goes by that I don't think of him or miss him. There are days where I hated him (especially in the beginning) and I hated myself for feeling that way. Suicide may feel like a solution to you, but it just becomes and problem and heart ache to everyone who loves you. I wanted to ring my brother's neck when I heard the news. I didn't and probably never will understand why. First and foremost how could he have done this to his kids especially since both of his biological parents also committed suicide. He knew first hand how shitty that feels. And, yeah, I know the statistics weren't on his side since both parents went that way, it didn't make my anger or disappointment any less. Not only did his death leave broken hearts and emptiness but the not knowing why made it 100 times worse. To me, it felt like if I could get some sort of explanation, that would make it better. Unfortunately we'll never get that. He didn't even leave a note. To this day I still feel like it may have made me feel better if he left one as silly as that sounds.
And then, there's the guilt. I think my mom felt it more than any of us and I'm sure my dad just kept it to himself. "What could I have done differently...." Unfortunately, the answer is nothing. More often than not this blind sides the family and friends because the person in crisis is consumed and embarrassed by such feelings because of the social stigma behind it and unfortunately that causes them to hide and not seek help. It's a vicious cycle that I would love to see changed. The world needs to stop seeing this as an embarrassing issue and start seeing it as an illness that needs attention like any other illness out there. Millions of people have these thoughts and feelings, that alone should prove that these people are not alone and that there is nothing to hang their head in shame over. Society would never allow a person with cancer to feel bad about their disease so why should a mental illness be treated any less? We also need to start treating the disease instead of just shoving random pills down these poor people's throats. I can't even tell you how many pills my brother was on. Why can't therapy be prescribed more often? I'm not saying that medications should not be used nor am I saying that it was the medication's fault, but if every time a person comes in with a new symptom a new pill is prescribed, how is that fixing the root issues?
Sorry for the tangent. Bottom line, short story long, I didn't want people to think I was simply minimizing the issue of suicide with my last post. I was simply talking about scary thoughts and not suicide in general. Again, if those thoughts feel good to you, please call the above number. They will never judge you, they just want to give you help you need.
Much Love and Light~
Tammy
Monday, March 12, 2012
Sabotage
"Sabotage is a deliberate action aimed at weakening another entity through subversion, obstruction, disruption, or destruction." (wikipedia)
That about sums it up. Not only do we do this to ourselves, but we do this to everyone around us whether we realize it or not. I was famous for doing this, especially to my husband. Why? Because I was in a bad place and he wasn't. So, if I wasn't going to have fun, why should he? Anxiety is an extremely selfish disease (I'll talk about that another time, it's on my list) and if you've been suffering for a while, like I did, you are probably really damn good at sabotaging the relationships in your life.
I was a horrible person to be around, I admit that. Jealousy brought on so many emotions in my head that I wasn't capable of handling. Those who aren't capable of handling said emotions tend to do what we know best...lash out irrationally. I was stuck in the house all the time outside of work and rarely going out with my mom or maybe my husband. I was very envious of those people who could just walk out of the house with the intent of doing something fun. When people would bring up going somewhere or doing something, I immediately shot it down as dumb. "Why would you want to do that? That's stupid." If they've already done something I would do my best to act as uninterested and unimpressed as I possible could. It wasn't because I really thought what they did was dumb (or maybe it was, doesn't really matter) but because I was in a place where I couldn't do anything and this would make me feel worse about myself therefore I'm going to try to make the person feel as close to how I'm feeling as possible. If I feel like shit, then so will you was my attitude. It's no wonder a lot of us sufferers lose friends. I wouldn't want to be around someone like the old me either.
My husband took the brunt of most of my issues simply because we lived together and I was around him most. If he was going to go out, you bet your sweet bippy I was going to plan a fight, fake an ailment or do a thousand other things in order for him to either 1) stay home or 2) go out and have a bad time. When he did go out, I would sit up waiting for him getting madder and madder if he wasn't home at a time *I* thought he should be home at. Then, most often, I would blow up at him again when he got home just to seal the deal guaranteeing a craptastic night for everyone involved. Sounds like fun, right? Of course during the height of my anxiety issues, I had no idea I was really doing anything wrong. My emotions felt real and I thought this was the only way to handle them. Of course I would feel bad after it, and I wrote my fair share of apology letters, notes, e-mails, etc. But, like with anyone with a problem, that was short lived and the cycle continued over and over.
Thought you were the only one who did that? OR Maybe after reading this you realize that you do, in fact, do this? It's a common issue, don't feel so bad. More often than not we don't even realize we are doing it. This negative behavior becomes a habit and it's hard to break. When you feel yourself starting to feel this way you have to tell yourself to STOP and force yourself to actually think about what your actions are instead of just blowing up and dealing with what just happened later. More often than not we don't really mean what we say, but we blurt it out anyway in hopes to hurt the other person. If you take five minutes to stop yourself before you get to that point and look at it from THEIR point of view, you might see things differently and choose your words and attitude better. It isn't their fault you have an anxiety disorder that keeps you locked away the house or keeps you from social situations. It's not their fault that going out to dinner makes us anxious because we hate people watching us eat (yep not alone there either). So why do we feel it's our right to blame them and sabotage their lives? They have every right to go out, live life, be excited about trying new things, and *gasp* do things with out us. It's not all about us as much as we like to think it is. We have to stop acting like children and throwing a tantrum when we don't get our own ways. It's not an easy feat but it can happen with practice. Start walking that mile in the other one's shoes, you may be surprised what you see!
Tonight I leave you with the Beasties :)
SABOTAGE!
Much Love and Light~
Tammy
That about sums it up. Not only do we do this to ourselves, but we do this to everyone around us whether we realize it or not. I was famous for doing this, especially to my husband. Why? Because I was in a bad place and he wasn't. So, if I wasn't going to have fun, why should he? Anxiety is an extremely selfish disease (I'll talk about that another time, it's on my list) and if you've been suffering for a while, like I did, you are probably really damn good at sabotaging the relationships in your life.
I was a horrible person to be around, I admit that. Jealousy brought on so many emotions in my head that I wasn't capable of handling. Those who aren't capable of handling said emotions tend to do what we know best...lash out irrationally. I was stuck in the house all the time outside of work and rarely going out with my mom or maybe my husband. I was very envious of those people who could just walk out of the house with the intent of doing something fun. When people would bring up going somewhere or doing something, I immediately shot it down as dumb. "Why would you want to do that? That's stupid." If they've already done something I would do my best to act as uninterested and unimpressed as I possible could. It wasn't because I really thought what they did was dumb (or maybe it was, doesn't really matter) but because I was in a place where I couldn't do anything and this would make me feel worse about myself therefore I'm going to try to make the person feel as close to how I'm feeling as possible. If I feel like shit, then so will you was my attitude. It's no wonder a lot of us sufferers lose friends. I wouldn't want to be around someone like the old me either.
My husband took the brunt of most of my issues simply because we lived together and I was around him most. If he was going to go out, you bet your sweet bippy I was going to plan a fight, fake an ailment or do a thousand other things in order for him to either 1) stay home or 2) go out and have a bad time. When he did go out, I would sit up waiting for him getting madder and madder if he wasn't home at a time *I* thought he should be home at. Then, most often, I would blow up at him again when he got home just to seal the deal guaranteeing a craptastic night for everyone involved. Sounds like fun, right? Of course during the height of my anxiety issues, I had no idea I was really doing anything wrong. My emotions felt real and I thought this was the only way to handle them. Of course I would feel bad after it, and I wrote my fair share of apology letters, notes, e-mails, etc. But, like with anyone with a problem, that was short lived and the cycle continued over and over.
Thought you were the only one who did that? OR Maybe after reading this you realize that you do, in fact, do this? It's a common issue, don't feel so bad. More often than not we don't even realize we are doing it. This negative behavior becomes a habit and it's hard to break. When you feel yourself starting to feel this way you have to tell yourself to STOP and force yourself to actually think about what your actions are instead of just blowing up and dealing with what just happened later. More often than not we don't really mean what we say, but we blurt it out anyway in hopes to hurt the other person. If you take five minutes to stop yourself before you get to that point and look at it from THEIR point of view, you might see things differently and choose your words and attitude better. It isn't their fault you have an anxiety disorder that keeps you locked away the house or keeps you from social situations. It's not their fault that going out to dinner makes us anxious because we hate people watching us eat (yep not alone there either). So why do we feel it's our right to blame them and sabotage their lives? They have every right to go out, live life, be excited about trying new things, and *gasp* do things with out us. It's not all about us as much as we like to think it is. We have to stop acting like children and throwing a tantrum when we don't get our own ways. It's not an easy feat but it can happen with practice. Start walking that mile in the other one's shoes, you may be surprised what you see!
Tonight I leave you with the Beasties :)
SABOTAGE!
Much Love and Light~
Tammy
Friday, March 9, 2012
Past, Present, and Future
The past, present, and future can mean a lot of things to a lot of people. More often than not, you'll see it honored in some way such as the three stone necklaces and rings. I, myself, have three ladybugs tattooed on my foot to remind me of where I came from, where I am now, and my dreams for the future. However, this blog post is not about honoring or remembering, this blog post is about how you are living you're life.
The Past
If you are constantly thinking of, re-playing things in your head, or just generally living life in the past, you are showing depression. No, I don't mean that looking back on fond memories means you're depressed. Remember, I am speaking from the perspective of someone with an anxiety disorder. I am talking about how one little issue can be replayed over and over in our heads along with the million of other scenarios we "should have" done instead.
Raise your hand if you've gotten ready for bed and stayed up for hours re-playing the day and beating yourself up for things you didn't say, should have done, could have done better. *raises hand* Instead of moving on we tend to dwell on "issues" that no one even noticed or if they did, they don't care about. Yet, we will torture ourselves for hours, days, or even weeks and months over something so trivial that no one else even remembers. This constant scolding we do to ourselves makes us feel bad, worthless, and like we can't do anything right. Hell, there are times now that an incident will randomly pop up in my head from years ago and I think STILL beat myself up for not doing x, y, and z. For example, several years ago I was on my way to work and stopped at a red light. There was a little old lady walking on the sidewalk and she lost her balance. She didn't fall, but she stumbled a bit. To this day I beat myself up for not getting out of my car and helping that poor woman and I'm in a far better place than I used to be. Times that about 1000 for what people in the midst of an anxiety do to themselves daily, if not hourly. You can't go back and change what once was, that only happens in the movies. As hard as it is, and I know it's hard, you need to accept the things that have happened and move forward having learned a lesson from it.
The Future
If you are constantly thinking about what ifs, what will bes, and generally living life in the future, you're showing anxiety. This is where most of us anxiety sufferers live. Well, I guess that's a beyond obvious statement! Anticipatory anxiety is a horrendous thing. Tell us we are about to go somewhere or do something and in 10 minutes time we've already played out the whole thing in our heads about 20 times. We set ourselves up for failure in our heads before we even leave to go do something. And what does this do? Depends on where you are anxiety wise, but in a lot of cases it leads to a panic attack and then forces us to back out which then starts the past paragraph and we get depressed about it. Either way we are going to feel like we are stuck. The funny thing about the future and anticipatory anxiety is 99% of the time none of the things we played in our heads ever happen and more often than not, once we warm up to the situation, we end up having a good time. I don't know why we insist on sabotaging ourselves every.damn.time but we do.
Here's an example. The husband says "hey we got invited to this picnic, let's go!" Instead of saying "yeah ok, sounds like fun" my thought pattern went directly to "I won't know anyone there and no one is going to like me. What if I have a panic attack there, people will think I'm crazy. No one is going to talk to me, like my hair, like my make up or my clothes and they'll all be staring at me. What if I say something stupid and people laugh at me?" etc, etc, etc. These thoughts start to scare me which start to release hormones and eventually will make me sick over the whole thing. By the time I get around to answering my husband, I'm already nauseated, my heart is palpitating, I'm sweating, getting waves of fear and am probably on my way to a panic attack. Not a whole lot of fun at all. However, the only way to get past this and get better from this type of behavior is to feel the fear and do it any way. You may feel awkward at first but trust me you'll be so damn proud of yourself for doing it!
The Present
Ok, let me try this paragraph again. I typed it all out and blogger deleted it somewhere between me saving it and then posting it.
At any rate, if you are soaking in the world around you, taking things one day at a time, and generally living life in the present, you are at peace.
This a great place to be and one that you should be striving for in your anxiety disorder journey. I'm not saying that every day is going to be kittens and sunshine, but if you can get to a point where the present moments start to out weigh the past and present, you are definitely on track! A good thing to do is to start focusing on the positives in your day, or better yet purposely make time for them. Go for a walk, actually go out and smell the roses, watch the clouds go by, play with your kids and pets. Whatever it is you decide to do, as long as you are in the present moment and forgetting the rest, your mind, body, and soul will thank you for it.
Much Love and Light~
Tammy
The Past
If you are constantly thinking of, re-playing things in your head, or just generally living life in the past, you are showing depression. No, I don't mean that looking back on fond memories means you're depressed. Remember, I am speaking from the perspective of someone with an anxiety disorder. I am talking about how one little issue can be replayed over and over in our heads along with the million of other scenarios we "should have" done instead.
Raise your hand if you've gotten ready for bed and stayed up for hours re-playing the day and beating yourself up for things you didn't say, should have done, could have done better. *raises hand* Instead of moving on we tend to dwell on "issues" that no one even noticed or if they did, they don't care about. Yet, we will torture ourselves for hours, days, or even weeks and months over something so trivial that no one else even remembers. This constant scolding we do to ourselves makes us feel bad, worthless, and like we can't do anything right. Hell, there are times now that an incident will randomly pop up in my head from years ago and I think STILL beat myself up for not doing x, y, and z. For example, several years ago I was on my way to work and stopped at a red light. There was a little old lady walking on the sidewalk and she lost her balance. She didn't fall, but she stumbled a bit. To this day I beat myself up for not getting out of my car and helping that poor woman and I'm in a far better place than I used to be. Times that about 1000 for what people in the midst of an anxiety do to themselves daily, if not hourly. You can't go back and change what once was, that only happens in the movies. As hard as it is, and I know it's hard, you need to accept the things that have happened and move forward having learned a lesson from it.
The Future
If you are constantly thinking about what ifs, what will bes, and generally living life in the future, you're showing anxiety. This is where most of us anxiety sufferers live. Well, I guess that's a beyond obvious statement! Anticipatory anxiety is a horrendous thing. Tell us we are about to go somewhere or do something and in 10 minutes time we've already played out the whole thing in our heads about 20 times. We set ourselves up for failure in our heads before we even leave to go do something. And what does this do? Depends on where you are anxiety wise, but in a lot of cases it leads to a panic attack and then forces us to back out which then starts the past paragraph and we get depressed about it. Either way we are going to feel like we are stuck. The funny thing about the future and anticipatory anxiety is 99% of the time none of the things we played in our heads ever happen and more often than not, once we warm up to the situation, we end up having a good time. I don't know why we insist on sabotaging ourselves every.damn.time but we do.
Here's an example. The husband says "hey we got invited to this picnic, let's go!" Instead of saying "yeah ok, sounds like fun" my thought pattern went directly to "I won't know anyone there and no one is going to like me. What if I have a panic attack there, people will think I'm crazy. No one is going to talk to me, like my hair, like my make up or my clothes and they'll all be staring at me. What if I say something stupid and people laugh at me?" etc, etc, etc. These thoughts start to scare me which start to release hormones and eventually will make me sick over the whole thing. By the time I get around to answering my husband, I'm already nauseated, my heart is palpitating, I'm sweating, getting waves of fear and am probably on my way to a panic attack. Not a whole lot of fun at all. However, the only way to get past this and get better from this type of behavior is to feel the fear and do it any way. You may feel awkward at first but trust me you'll be so damn proud of yourself for doing it!
The Present
Ok, let me try this paragraph again. I typed it all out and blogger deleted it somewhere between me saving it and then posting it.
At any rate, if you are soaking in the world around you, taking things one day at a time, and generally living life in the present, you are at peace.
This a great place to be and one that you should be striving for in your anxiety disorder journey. I'm not saying that every day is going to be kittens and sunshine, but if you can get to a point where the present moments start to out weigh the past and present, you are definitely on track! A good thing to do is to start focusing on the positives in your day, or better yet purposely make time for them. Go for a walk, actually go out and smell the roses, watch the clouds go by, play with your kids and pets. Whatever it is you decide to do, as long as you are in the present moment and forgetting the rest, your mind, body, and soul will thank you for it.
Tammy
Thursday, March 8, 2012
I feel worse, it's not working.
Sorry for my absence yesterday. I had one killer migraine due to a stressful day at work and the moon phase (full moon tonight). I was also having a hard time anxiety wise last night. I've been having discomfort on my lower right side that logically I know is a back issue, but last night I let the pain get the better of me and spent better part of the evening anxious and checking over and over that it wasn't my appendix. Yes, even as better as I am in general, I still have my off days. I was talking to my husband about it briefly this morning and not only was the moon phase just right, my day at work just right, wrong time of the month in general, but I've opened a can of worms by starting this blog. I never really thought about it prior to my idea to start this blog but it makes perfect sense. I am airing out my dirty laundry so to speak and of course it's going to stir up some old emotions, emotions that need to be dealt with and face with head on so that I can say good by to them and continue down my road of recovery . It's only natural that by visiting old wounds, I may get some of those anxious feelings again. The big difference this time is I know what it is and how to handle it.
At any rate, going through what I did last night and then talking about it to my husband this morning made me add this topic to my ever growing list of things to talk about here. As I stated before, I did CBT to help me recover from this horrible disorder. It was a self help program that I followed for 16 weeks. With the first week one of the things that was mentioned was that you are probably going to feel worse in the beginning, but they promised it would get better. Sort of like what happened to me last night. They weren't kidding when they said that. My first few weeks into this program I felt like shit ran over by a big mac truck. My anxiety was on a whole other level I didn't even think was possible. Forget about general anxiety (feeling anxious all the time) more like panic attack anxiety. Ok I just made that up but my panic attacks went way up, I had more symptoms and side effects, my sleeping was non existent, and I just thought "holy crap I just spent a ton on something to make me feel worse, it's not working!)
Many people feel like this. In fact, I'd be willing to bet most people feel like this. It's A LOT to deal with and for someone who is on edge and over sensitive to begin with, it feels like pure hell. We have to face things we swept under the rug for so long. We have to admit to things we were so quick to blame others for. We have to start coming to terms the fact that we do a lot of these things to ourselves. It's a whirlwind of emotions that can become quite crippling and unfortunately cause a lot of people to give up. Who wants to feel worse, right? That's so not what we signed up for! We signed up for a quick fix.
Quick fixes simply don't exist. This isn't an oxiclean commercial and Billy Mays isn't going to yell at you and magically take your stains away. This is, for most of us, a life long debilitating issue we've been dealing with. It is going to take a lot of hard work and commitment on your part to better yourself. And when I mean hard, I mean HARD! I'm not going to sit here and lie to you and tell you that I sat and listed to a few tapes, did some homework, and POOF I felt better. I strapped myself into the longest roller coaster ride you've ever seen and the first few weeks were a constant, belly flipping, down hill drop. BUT, I can promise you that if you keep working at it and work through the initial shock of it all, it does get better.
Two weekends ago I got in my car BY MYSELF and drove two hours to another state to meet up with girls I initially met online while we were all planning our destination weddings. Two years ago I got on a plane, BY MYSELF, and flew across country to meet up with another girl from the same group to go wine tasting for a SECOND time (I flew out there once prior). This once agoraphobic girl climbed up on a boat four months ago, had some island boys strap me to a harness, and I para-sailed Grace Bay, Turks and Caicos. So, it definitely CAN be done. It takes a LONG time to get there but the journey is so worth it. It took me 16 weeks to go through the program initially and then probably another year going over it again from time to time before I really spread my wings and got the courage enough to know I could fly and I would be ok. You CAN get better it just comes down to how committed you are to it and how bad you want it. I have faith in all of your that are struggling right now!
Much Love and Light~
Tammy
At any rate, going through what I did last night and then talking about it to my husband this morning made me add this topic to my ever growing list of things to talk about here. As I stated before, I did CBT to help me recover from this horrible disorder. It was a self help program that I followed for 16 weeks. With the first week one of the things that was mentioned was that you are probably going to feel worse in the beginning, but they promised it would get better. Sort of like what happened to me last night. They weren't kidding when they said that. My first few weeks into this program I felt like shit ran over by a big mac truck. My anxiety was on a whole other level I didn't even think was possible. Forget about general anxiety (feeling anxious all the time) more like panic attack anxiety. Ok I just made that up but my panic attacks went way up, I had more symptoms and side effects, my sleeping was non existent, and I just thought "holy crap I just spent a ton on something to make me feel worse, it's not working!)
Many people feel like this. In fact, I'd be willing to bet most people feel like this. It's A LOT to deal with and for someone who is on edge and over sensitive to begin with, it feels like pure hell. We have to face things we swept under the rug for so long. We have to admit to things we were so quick to blame others for. We have to start coming to terms the fact that we do a lot of these things to ourselves. It's a whirlwind of emotions that can become quite crippling and unfortunately cause a lot of people to give up. Who wants to feel worse, right? That's so not what we signed up for! We signed up for a quick fix.
Quick fixes simply don't exist. This isn't an oxiclean commercial and Billy Mays isn't going to yell at you and magically take your stains away. This is, for most of us, a life long debilitating issue we've been dealing with. It is going to take a lot of hard work and commitment on your part to better yourself. And when I mean hard, I mean HARD! I'm not going to sit here and lie to you and tell you that I sat and listed to a few tapes, did some homework, and POOF I felt better. I strapped myself into the longest roller coaster ride you've ever seen and the first few weeks were a constant, belly flipping, down hill drop. BUT, I can promise you that if you keep working at it and work through the initial shock of it all, it does get better.
Two weekends ago I got in my car BY MYSELF and drove two hours to another state to meet up with girls I initially met online while we were all planning our destination weddings. Two years ago I got on a plane, BY MYSELF, and flew across country to meet up with another girl from the same group to go wine tasting for a SECOND time (I flew out there once prior). This once agoraphobic girl climbed up on a boat four months ago, had some island boys strap me to a harness, and I para-sailed Grace Bay, Turks and Caicos. So, it definitely CAN be done. It takes a LONG time to get there but the journey is so worth it. It took me 16 weeks to go through the program initially and then probably another year going over it again from time to time before I really spread my wings and got the courage enough to know I could fly and I would be ok. You CAN get better it just comes down to how committed you are to it and how bad you want it. I have faith in all of your that are struggling right now!
Much Love and Light~
Tammy
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Did I just think that?
One of the symptoms I frequently got and still get from time to time is a little skeleton most of us keep in our closet called Scary Thoughts. Seems like an every day term to someone who hasn't been there. I mean, it seems like a pretty benign term just hanging out here on my blog. However, a scary thought just isn't an "oh crap I think I left the iron on at home" kind of thought. A Scary Thought to an anxiety sufferer is more like "What if I took this knife and just stabbed my leg with it" or "What if I purposely drown my kid in the tub tonight" kind of thought. The thought itself seems disturbing enough but then we get that wave of fear which starts the analytical wheels turning in our heads and make this random, horrible thought into, in most cases, a full blown panic attack. While most people would probably not get a thought like that and if they did would simply say to themselves "well that's just silly" and move on we start ourselves down a shame spiral that is striped with fear. Here's an example:
I'm sitting at home watching TV. My anxiety level is probably a 2 or 3 since I'm home and I'm fixated on a TV show. <enter scary thought, stage left> "What if while I'm shaving tonight I press down so hard that I shave a piece of skin right off" or better yet "what if while I'm shaving I just casually cut my wrists." Said scary thought stops me dead in my tracks and I am no longer focusing on the TV and on the thought I just had. My anxiety is now about a 4. My next thoughts go something like this, in rapid succession: "Why did I just think that? How could I think that? Am I crazy? I must be crazy who has thoughts like these? Do schizos think like this? That must be it, I'm a schizo! (anxiety is probably a 6 or 7) Holy crap I'm schizo! Oh no...my heart is palpitating again. I knew it wasn't temporary, it must be some sort of heart disease. (anxiety is at 8 or 9) Great now I'm a schizo with a heart problem. Ow, it hurts! OMG IT'S A HEART ATTACK (Anxiety is at a 10 now full on panic attack) What was a normal pulse again? *checks wrist, checks neck, back to wrist for pulse points and feverishly counts over and over* I can't go to the hospital they'll really know I'm nuts. I can't call 911 that's so embarrassing! Justin would hate me if I make him take me. <enter cat doing something dumb stage right> I get distracted with the cat, my anxiety comes down, I forget about the whole thing and I live another day!
Is that over embellished? Unfortunately, no. Did I really have those scary thoughts? Unfortunately, yes. And, yet, I'm still here to tell you all about it.
Having scary thoughts is more common than you think. As much as I hate to have you guys use the good ole anxiety producing google...do it. Just google "scary thoughts" and what comes up? Tons of pages of Scary thoughts and Anxiety or PP depression. IT'S COMMON! You aren't a freak of nature. At one time or another we've all gotten them. THEY ARE JUST THOUGHTS nothing more and you need to remind yourself of that. Our brains are on mach 10 24 hours a day with a million thoughts. Unfortunately most of them are negative thoughts and a good amount are scary. But, as I said yesterday, you choose how to react to everything that comes and goes in your life. You can choose to ignore it or acknowledge it and give it no power. "Yeah I heard you, but that's a silly thought and it will never happen" then move on to something else.
Now is a good time to share with you one of my favorite definitions of the word fear. FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real Think about it...I had a scary thought that I was going to slice myself or cut my wrists. I bet I'm not the only one who thought of a "suicidal" thought. Does that make me suicidal? No, it doesn't. Why? Because I, like most of the anxiety sufferers out there, are TERRIFIED of death! Why would I do something I'm terrified of? Why would you? Think of your scary thoughts right now. Would you actually hurt your kids? Hurt your husband? Drive your car into a ditch? No, of course not. And why? Because those things are things we are afraid of...dying, losing your kids, losing your husband, etc. We are magically manifesting things again in our hyperactive brains except instead of manifesting aches and pains, we are now manifesting our fears. It's sort of like one of my favorite movies Sphere. If you've seen it, you know what I mean. If you haven't, go rent it...it's a good flick.
So let's say it together... "You are only a scary thought. It's silly and I will never do such a thing. I give you no power." Don't be afraid to stand your ground against yourself. Say it out loud and like you mean it. Give those scary thoughts the big middle finger! :)
Much Love and Light~
Tammy
I'm sitting at home watching TV. My anxiety level is probably a 2 or 3 since I'm home and I'm fixated on a TV show. <enter scary thought, stage left> "What if while I'm shaving tonight I press down so hard that I shave a piece of skin right off" or better yet "what if while I'm shaving I just casually cut my wrists." Said scary thought stops me dead in my tracks and I am no longer focusing on the TV and on the thought I just had. My anxiety is now about a 4. My next thoughts go something like this, in rapid succession: "Why did I just think that? How could I think that? Am I crazy? I must be crazy who has thoughts like these? Do schizos think like this? That must be it, I'm a schizo! (anxiety is probably a 6 or 7) Holy crap I'm schizo! Oh no...my heart is palpitating again. I knew it wasn't temporary, it must be some sort of heart disease. (anxiety is at 8 or 9) Great now I'm a schizo with a heart problem. Ow, it hurts! OMG IT'S A HEART ATTACK (Anxiety is at a 10 now full on panic attack) What was a normal pulse again? *checks wrist, checks neck, back to wrist for pulse points and feverishly counts over and over* I can't go to the hospital they'll really know I'm nuts. I can't call 911 that's so embarrassing! Justin would hate me if I make him take me. <enter cat doing something dumb stage right> I get distracted with the cat, my anxiety comes down, I forget about the whole thing and I live another day!
Is that over embellished? Unfortunately, no. Did I really have those scary thoughts? Unfortunately, yes. And, yet, I'm still here to tell you all about it.
Having scary thoughts is more common than you think. As much as I hate to have you guys use the good ole anxiety producing google...do it. Just google "scary thoughts" and what comes up? Tons of pages of Scary thoughts and Anxiety or PP depression. IT'S COMMON! You aren't a freak of nature. At one time or another we've all gotten them. THEY ARE JUST THOUGHTS nothing more and you need to remind yourself of that. Our brains are on mach 10 24 hours a day with a million thoughts. Unfortunately most of them are negative thoughts and a good amount are scary. But, as I said yesterday, you choose how to react to everything that comes and goes in your life. You can choose to ignore it or acknowledge it and give it no power. "Yeah I heard you, but that's a silly thought and it will never happen" then move on to something else.
Now is a good time to share with you one of my favorite definitions of the word fear. FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real Think about it...I had a scary thought that I was going to slice myself or cut my wrists. I bet I'm not the only one who thought of a "suicidal" thought. Does that make me suicidal? No, it doesn't. Why? Because I, like most of the anxiety sufferers out there, are TERRIFIED of death! Why would I do something I'm terrified of? Why would you? Think of your scary thoughts right now. Would you actually hurt your kids? Hurt your husband? Drive your car into a ditch? No, of course not. And why? Because those things are things we are afraid of...dying, losing your kids, losing your husband, etc. We are magically manifesting things again in our hyperactive brains except instead of manifesting aches and pains, we are now manifesting our fears. It's sort of like one of my favorite movies Sphere. If you've seen it, you know what I mean. If you haven't, go rent it...it's a good flick.
So let's say it together... "You are only a scary thought. It's silly and I will never do such a thing. I give you no power." Don't be afraid to stand your ground against yourself. Say it out loud and like you mean it. Give those scary thoughts the big middle finger! :)
Much Love and Light~
Tammy
Monday, March 5, 2012
It's all in your head
Such a double edge sword that statement is. It's something you don't want to hear because it seems insensitive, cold, and condescending. Yet, at the same time, it's a pretty true statement. If you are in the uphill battle of you're anxiety disorder I'm sure you just rolled your eyes and got defensive about that statement. If you are lucky to be on the downhill slide, you know what I mean.
Here's where that statement goes wrong. As someone who is feeling horrible 24/7 with a whole array of symptoms, most of which were probably mentioned during my last blog, the last thing you want someone to do is tell you it's all in your head like you are some crazy person. If it's one thing us anxiety disorder suffers want/need to hear is an answer to the why. If you could just tell us that this symptom is because of this, we'd feel so much better for at least 10 minutes. However, when it's mentioned that you may be causing it yourself, well that puts blame on the us and we automatically get defensive. I know, I've been there. We also tend to take things out of context and we assume the worst out of everything so when someone says "It's all in your head" we don't hear it as a solution to the problem we translate it into "you're crazy, I'm not going to help you, stop wasting my time with something stupid." and then we stop listening to what the person is saying because now we are mad and don't want to hear anything further.
Unfortunately, regardless if you are ready to admit to it or not, this statement is true. Anxiety is all in our heads. As I mentioned in one of my last blogs, our brains are far more capable of doing things than we give it credit. We set ourselves up by over thinking, over analyzing, dwelling, and ultimately freaking ourselves out. Our Flight or Fight system is broken. We rarely fight and are always ready to run away. We allow things to overwhelm us by giving in to the symptoms and signals and giving it free reign in our heads to take over for a certain amount of time. We've all put a "Vacancy" sign on our foreheads and the rent in our heads is pretty damn cheap.
Are the symptoms we are feeling all in our heads? Absolutely not. Don't misunderstand my previous paragraph or anyone else who tells you it's all in your head. You are not imagining your aches, pains, worries and fears. However, whether you believe it or not, YOU HAVE CONTROL. You've all read that quote "Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it." -Charles R. Swindoll That is a very true statement. You all have the ability to take those outside and inside triggers and tell it to get the eff out of your heads. It sounds like the most difficult thing in the world, trust me I know this. Seven years later I still have times, days, sometimes weeks where I let the world and my brain get the better of me. But, practice makes perfect and if you keep at it and stand your ground, stand up for yourself, you can and will get through it. If you haven't looked into it before, now would be a good time to look into some positive affirmation CDs. They truly do help. Louise Hay is good and there's a husband/wife team that I had CDs of that I can't remember. I recently parted ways with some of those CDs to help a friend. They may sound corny at first but if you go in with an open mind, and you do them as directed, they can help you a lot.
I hope this post hasn't upset or offended anyone as I hope none of my posts do. I have to be true to myself and as I promised myself I would open up and let the world into my hiding space and therefore show the true me. This post was intended to make you realize that you can do this and you are worth it. It makes me sad when I hear and see people in this spiral and I just want to give each and every one of you a hug. But, at times, I have to admit that I would love to shake you to make you realize what you are doing and how much you can help yourself. I know everyone has to do it on their own time as I did. And, I'm sure there were people in my life who wanted to shake me too. Now, let's all join hands and sing Kumbaya...or not.
I will leave you with some of my favorite positive affirmations:
Much Love and Light~
Tammy
Here's where that statement goes wrong. As someone who is feeling horrible 24/7 with a whole array of symptoms, most of which were probably mentioned during my last blog, the last thing you want someone to do is tell you it's all in your head like you are some crazy person. If it's one thing us anxiety disorder suffers want/need to hear is an answer to the why. If you could just tell us that this symptom is because of this, we'd feel so much better for at least 10 minutes. However, when it's mentioned that you may be causing it yourself, well that puts blame on the us and we automatically get defensive. I know, I've been there. We also tend to take things out of context and we assume the worst out of everything so when someone says "It's all in your head" we don't hear it as a solution to the problem we translate it into "you're crazy, I'm not going to help you, stop wasting my time with something stupid." and then we stop listening to what the person is saying because now we are mad and don't want to hear anything further.
Unfortunately, regardless if you are ready to admit to it or not, this statement is true. Anxiety is all in our heads. As I mentioned in one of my last blogs, our brains are far more capable of doing things than we give it credit. We set ourselves up by over thinking, over analyzing, dwelling, and ultimately freaking ourselves out. Our Flight or Fight system is broken. We rarely fight and are always ready to run away. We allow things to overwhelm us by giving in to the symptoms and signals and giving it free reign in our heads to take over for a certain amount of time. We've all put a "Vacancy" sign on our foreheads and the rent in our heads is pretty damn cheap.
Are the symptoms we are feeling all in our heads? Absolutely not. Don't misunderstand my previous paragraph or anyone else who tells you it's all in your head. You are not imagining your aches, pains, worries and fears. However, whether you believe it or not, YOU HAVE CONTROL. You've all read that quote "Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it." -Charles R. Swindoll That is a very true statement. You all have the ability to take those outside and inside triggers and tell it to get the eff out of your heads. It sounds like the most difficult thing in the world, trust me I know this. Seven years later I still have times, days, sometimes weeks where I let the world and my brain get the better of me. But, practice makes perfect and if you keep at it and stand your ground, stand up for yourself, you can and will get through it. If you haven't looked into it before, now would be a good time to look into some positive affirmation CDs. They truly do help. Louise Hay is good and there's a husband/wife team that I had CDs of that I can't remember. I recently parted ways with some of those CDs to help a friend. They may sound corny at first but if you go in with an open mind, and you do them as directed, they can help you a lot.
I hope this post hasn't upset or offended anyone as I hope none of my posts do. I have to be true to myself and as I promised myself I would open up and let the world into my hiding space and therefore show the true me. This post was intended to make you realize that you can do this and you are worth it. It makes me sad when I hear and see people in this spiral and I just want to give each and every one of you a hug. But, at times, I have to admit that I would love to shake you to make you realize what you are doing and how much you can help yourself. I know everyone has to do it on their own time as I did. And, I'm sure there were people in my life who wanted to shake me too. Now, let's all join hands and sing Kumbaya...or not.
I will leave you with some of my favorite positive affirmations:
Much Love and Light~
Tammy
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Symptoms
As I mentioned previously, I spent most of my life battling an anxiety disorder. However, it wasn't until about seven years ago did I know what it was that I had. Unfortunately, I found out when I hit rock bottom, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Up until then, I always thought my feelings were the same as everyone else's and that I was just simply stressed. Little did I know that it was much much more. I guess that's how denial works.
So how bad did I have it? To me? Pretty bad. However, I think the only two people who knew how bad I was was my husband, then boyfriend, and myself. We may be falling a part on the inside, but us anxiety disorder sufferers can act with the best of them. We can convince people we are perfectly fine. We can also manipulate anyone. Yes, I said it and if you suffer with it, don't try to deny it. We can make anyone do anything we want them to. It's not malicious in intent, it's because we are so damn fearful of doing things on our own we develop this "skill" to work things JUST right so that someone else will either 1) do it for us or 2) say we don't need to do it at all or 3) at least go with us so we have a crutch. We can also make up any lie on the fly to get out of anything in the world and we are pretty damn convincing at it too! Unless said person trying to tell said lies to someone who has done it themselves. Yes, I know you're lying but I also know you can't help it so it gets over looked. It's like trying to convince a recovered alcoholic that you are not an alcoholic. Been there, done that, nice try.
So, back to symptoms. My biggest symptom was being agoraphobic.
So how bad did I have it? To me? Pretty bad. However, I think the only two people who knew how bad I was was my husband, then boyfriend, and myself. We may be falling a part on the inside, but us anxiety disorder sufferers can act with the best of them. We can convince people we are perfectly fine. We can also manipulate anyone. Yes, I said it and if you suffer with it, don't try to deny it. We can make anyone do anything we want them to. It's not malicious in intent, it's because we are so damn fearful of doing things on our own we develop this "skill" to work things JUST right so that someone else will either 1) do it for us or 2) say we don't need to do it at all or 3) at least go with us so we have a crutch. We can also make up any lie on the fly to get out of anything in the world and we are pretty damn convincing at it too! Unless said person trying to tell said lies to someone who has done it themselves. Yes, I know you're lying but I also know you can't help it so it gets over looked. It's like trying to convince a recovered alcoholic that you are not an alcoholic. Been there, done that, nice try.
So, back to symptoms. My biggest symptom was being agoraphobic.
ag·o·ra·pho·bi·a [ag-er-uh-foh-bee-uh]
noun Psychiatry .
an abnormal fear of being in crowds, public places, or open areas, sometimes accompanied by anxiety attacks.
Basically I was home bound 90% of the time. I could manage to get up and go to work every day because I knew I had to and that there was no way around it. But outside of going to work and back home and the millions of Dr. visits, I couldn't go anywhere by myself. I couldn't go to the store, pump my own gas, go to parties, etc. If I had to do any of those things, I would plan it so that someone was with me or that someone would do it for me (as stated above). Mom would go grocery shopping with me and I always planned my gas trips to when I knew Justin would want to go somewhere and then I would suggest we take my car and get gas on the way. I was down right TERRIFIED to do these things on my own. I thought the whole world was staring at me all.the.time. Like I was so darn special that everyone wanted to look at me, right? ;) Regardless, that was in my head and what if I did something wrong? What if I had a question? I wouldn't talk to anyone and I assumed everyone was making fun of me for being insecure and not knowing things. I'd rather just stay home.
With all this added stress to my system (self inflicting as all anxiety is), I had a whole slew of physical symptoms. I was in pain from something all.the.damn.time. Headaches, migraines, vision issues, chest pains, muscle pains, jaw pain (TMJ), ears ringing, heart palpitations, twitching, talking funny, stiff neck, back issues, bowel issues (IBS), acne, walking issues, tingling hands, insomnia, stomach pains, nausea, nerve issues, feeling of unreality, panic attacks, hives, an extreme fear of death, I legitimately thought I was going crazy, leg pain, and because I was compromising my immune system with all of this added stress I was always sick (stomach illnesses, colds, flu, allergies, etc.) and I was extremely angry, depressed, and jealous at all times. At the time I thought I was angry at everyone else. In reality, I was angry at myself. I'll get into that at another time because it needs an entire post.
Who would have thought that all of that would be caused from anxiety? I sure as hell didn't. Our brains are far more powerful than we give ourselves credit for. If we get an idea in our head we can manifest it no problem. I don't know how many symptoms I simply talked myself into. I would obsess over a minor ache so much that it became a big deal. I eventually figured this one out with the help of the CBT program I did (because they told me so) but personally saw it when I noticed that if I got into a movie or playing on the computer my symptoms would magically disappear. Once I thought in my head "hey that pain is gone" it magically appeared again. Just call me Criss Angel with out the weird moves and black clothing.
My second biggest issue was being a Hypochondriac.
adjective
1. Also, hy·po·chon·dri·a·cal [hahy-poh-kuhn-drahy-uh-kuhl] Show IPA. Psychiatry .
a. pertaining to or suffering from hypochondria, an excessive preoccupation with and worry about one's health: The comedy is aimed the hypochondriac demographic.
noun
4. a person who worries or talks excessively about his or her health.
Not only did I have all of those symptoms listed above, but I convinced myself they weren't just symptoms of anxiety (again I didn't know at the time) but that I was dying from EVERYTHING! Web MD was my BFF for many many years and I could convince myself that all of these scary diseases were what I had. On the flip side, I was afraid to go to the ER so I never went because the thought of going would put me into a panic attack. If things lasted a while, I'd go see my GP and usually for the same things over and over again. If I had a pain in my head it was a brain tumor, pain in my right abdomen was always appendicitis (I still have my appendix BTW so yeah, that wasn't it). I've had brain cancer, throat cancer, mouth cancer, stomach cancer, blood clots, aneurysms, strokes, heart attacks, MS, Parkinson's, and a whole slew of other diseases you probably never heard of. *NEVER GOOGLE SYMPTOMS* because it tends to give you the most horrendous diseases first and rarely ever says "hey asshole, ever think it's all in your head? Calm down, and it'll go away" Of course I wouldn't have believed that then anyway.
I didn't type all that out to give you a oh woe is me picture of my life. I own most of my disease. I know that I ALONE caused my anxiety to get out of control. I can't blame anyone else although I did at the time. It's far easier to blame the world than to take credit for it yourself. What I hope by typing all of that out is that someone out there reads this and get the whole "AH-HA!" I eventually had which started me down the road of recovery. When I was watching that infomercial for the program I used (I'll get into that later) and I heard people who were exactly describing me...describing a lot of what I listed, I literally busted out into tears. Holy Shit! THAT IS ME! I'm not crazy and I'M NOT ALONE! I'm telling you right now if you have had any of those symptoms or any of those feelings you are most definitely not alone! Millions of people have suffered the same as you, and I assure you that you aren't crazy.
So now that I got all of that out, like I said I hid it from most everyone, I can now move my pawn ahead 4 spaces on the candy lane path of a new chapter of recovery.
Much love and light~
Tammy
Tammy
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Introduction
I've had blogs in the past but they never seem to keep my attention span for very long. It occurred to me that the reason behind this is that although these blogs were dedicated to things I really enjoyed in my life, they weren't focused on who I am and what I deal with on a daily basis. So who am I? Besides what you can read over on the right under my picture, I am a person who has suffered with an anxiety disorder probably my entire life. I am a girl who hid from the world for years and years because I didn't know what the heck was wrong with me and I just assumed everyone felt like this and it was completely normal. I'm also the girl who when I figured out what it was, became so completely embarrassed about it and refused to tell anyone about it. After all, my feelings, emotions, anger, scary thoughts, etc. would deem me completely insane. I am also someone who is so blessed to have the people in my life to help me through my darkest hours and encourage me daily with my struggles. I listed on the right that I am a "recovered" person with an anxiety disorder. I put recovered in quotes because much like any other illness/addiction, there is no cure and at times it is a daily struggle. Anxiety disorders coupled with anger issues and constant negative thinking are addictive bad habits much like smoking, drinking, drugs, etc. You simply have to take it one day at a time. There is help out there with out drugs, but please don't think I poopoo anti anxiety drugs or anti depressants. I just believe not everyone needs them and they are overly prescribed as a quick fix. I went with the CBT (Congnative Behavioral Therapy) route which helped me tremendously. In short, it teaches you how to re-think in a more positive, healthy way.
This blog is for me but also for others out there going through the same thing. Sometimes it just makes you feel a thousand times better knowing you aren't alone and you aren't crazy. I have come a long way but I will visit back through my bad days, bring you though my current days and discuss things that help me and hopefully will help you. I'm tired of hiding and this is going to take me a lot of strength to completely open up, but it needs to be done. I'm at the point in my recovery that I need to visit the past and let those things go and realize I was not a bad person, I was a sick person. Some of what I will discussed may trigger you, so if you are super sensitive, please read with caution. I'm not holding back anymore and I need to get it all out there past, present, and future.
Much love and light to everyone!
Tammy
This blog is for me but also for others out there going through the same thing. Sometimes it just makes you feel a thousand times better knowing you aren't alone and you aren't crazy. I have come a long way but I will visit back through my bad days, bring you though my current days and discuss things that help me and hopefully will help you. I'm tired of hiding and this is going to take me a lot of strength to completely open up, but it needs to be done. I'm at the point in my recovery that I need to visit the past and let those things go and realize I was not a bad person, I was a sick person. Some of what I will discussed may trigger you, so if you are super sensitive, please read with caution. I'm not holding back anymore and I need to get it all out there past, present, and future.
Much love and light to everyone!
Tammy
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