That remind me how far I've actually come on this anxiety journey regardless of me going back through the program. For this, I'm eternally grateful for having insomnia and seeing the infomercial, for me finally realizing what my problem was (7 years ago), and for my husband (then boyfriend) ordering me said program before I could even finish asking him if I could get it. As much as I feel like I've gone backwards in some things, today really opened my eyes on how better I am - above and beyond what my desires were so long ago.
Dad is off having surgery #3 on his spine. This time, in his neck due to a pinched nerve. The previous two surgeries were for his back. Same surgeon, same hospital, so third time around I'm pretty familiar with how things go. However, both times previously (once before the program, once after) I was with my mom. Unfortunately her boss is on vacation and there was no way she could be here and open the store at the same time. So, my awesome husband dropped dad and I off and I went in it alone. I had a lot of anticipatory anxiety last night going through scenarios in my head (that never happened as they often don't) about me getting lost, not finding the waiting room, etc. Not to mention the fact that hospitals give me the wicked heebies in general. As I sit here in the waiting room typing this out, I have to giggle about myself catastrophizing the whole day yesterday because nothing went wrong. Everything went smooth. So silly that we do this to ourselves every.damn.time for absolutely no good reason other than our minds feel the need to consume itself with negativity.
Since I knew I was going to have a long wait, I brought my work book in with me to do my homework. Yes, the program gives you homework. As I was going through the questions (pretty much just rating how you are feeling now and how this program will help) I was a bit dissatisfied about some of my answers on how I'm feeling in general. However, when we got to the part of limitations and rating anxiety levels during certain situations, I had to smile. When I first came across this pages years prior, 98% of what was listed was a limitation for me and anxiety at the highest level. Now, only two things on the list is something I would consider a limitation and even at that they still aren't things I'd completely avoid. Not to mention the fact that my anxiety level is mild/moderate not severe like it used to be. So *happy dance* for me!
This post really has no purpose other to remind myself that I'm not a defective as I think I am and to occupy my mind some while I'm waiting for the surgeon to come back and talk to me after the surgery is over.
Proud chicky today! *insert cheesy grin*
Much Love and Light~
Tammy
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Monday, July 23, 2012
Back to Day One
Well, I finally got my replacement workbook and I started day one of the program tonight. I had a lot of emotions going into this. I know this program works and I knew when I graduated from it seven years ago that set backs or what they call growth spurts are inevitable, but I still felt some what apprehensive starting all over again. I guess, in a way, I felt like some sort of failure for having to use these tools again. In reality, it just goes to show how much I've grown since I hit rock bottom in 2004. There is absolutely nothing wrong with knowing you need help and seeking it. Knowing that I was slipping back into my old ways just goes to prove how much this program works. If it didn't, I would have gone on living my anxiously angry life like nothing was wrong like I did so many years before. So, instead of being embarrassed for brushing up on my life skills learned, I'm going to be proud of myself for knowing I need them AND putting the effort into these next 16 weeks.
If you think about it, "all over again" is sort of a loaded phrase. Yes, I've dedicated the next 16 weeks to go through the learning process a second time, but it really isn't an "all over again." This time around I'm going in with a much healthier mind, I know what to expect, I know it works, and I am excited to grow even further in this life long process.
After re-reading the intro and listening to the first lesson earlier, my fears and inhibitions dwindled and I knew I was in the right place. I knew this is where I should be in this part of my journey. In a way it was like getting to talk to old friends again. It was also a reminder on how far I've actually come since my first time. The first lesson is about signs/symptoms and I remember having 99% of what they were talking about. Now, not so much. Yes, I have my days, but don't we all? EVERYONE has anxiety in one form or another, it's how you choose to deal with it that separates us.
I forgot that they want you to do a personal journal through out the program, and I am going to do that here. I think it might be beneficial to not only me by venting off feelings, but to those reading to see that someone else "has that too." I know that even now, knowing someone else has felt the same thing or experienced the same physical symptoms is very comforting. It's sort of like a more reliable Dr. Google ;) Of course I never suggest anyone using that!
So, that's where I am right now. Buckle up boys and girls this may be a bumpy ride! BUT, it'll be well worth it!
Much Love and Light~
Tammy
If you think about it, "all over again" is sort of a loaded phrase. Yes, I've dedicated the next 16 weeks to go through the learning process a second time, but it really isn't an "all over again." This time around I'm going in with a much healthier mind, I know what to expect, I know it works, and I am excited to grow even further in this life long process.
After re-reading the intro and listening to the first lesson earlier, my fears and inhibitions dwindled and I knew I was in the right place. I knew this is where I should be in this part of my journey. In a way it was like getting to talk to old friends again. It was also a reminder on how far I've actually come since my first time. The first lesson is about signs/symptoms and I remember having 99% of what they were talking about. Now, not so much. Yes, I have my days, but don't we all? EVERYONE has anxiety in one form or another, it's how you choose to deal with it that separates us.
I forgot that they want you to do a personal journal through out the program, and I am going to do that here. I think it might be beneficial to not only me by venting off feelings, but to those reading to see that someone else "has that too." I know that even now, knowing someone else has felt the same thing or experienced the same physical symptoms is very comforting. It's sort of like a more reliable Dr. Google ;) Of course I never suggest anyone using that!
So, that's where I am right now. Buckle up boys and girls this may be a bumpy ride! BUT, it'll be well worth it!
Much Love and Light~
Tammy
Sunday, July 15, 2012
On the Road Again...
Just can't wait to get on the road again...
I know I've been away for a few months. Things got quite hectic at the end of tax season and then my May and June were jam packed with birthday and volunteer commitments. Last weekend was my first weekend off from everything and it was nice to have a day or two to do absolutely nothing!
So, what's been up with me? Well, I joined a gym. Exercise is awesome for those of us with anxiety issues. I will touch upon that in another blog, but I can tell you one thing. No matter what kind of a day I'm having (anxious, bad, pissed, etc.) by the time I leave the gym I feel great. I never joined one before and I didn't know that I would turn into a gym rat so fast, but I love it.
On the anxiety front, I've been better. I've been worse too so I have that to be thankful for. I came to the conclusion that trying this or that are not working and that I need to start back up what I know works. So, I ordered another workbook for the program I was on and I am going to do the 16 week program all over again. It's time. I feel a little bummed about it but at the same time I don't. I know I'm no where near as bad as I was before I first started the program seven years ago but I also know that I'm not where I was when I finished the program either. Nothing wrong with going through it again, touching upon some things I still need help with and moving up to a new level of recovering. I also decided that I can't spread myself as thin as I was and I resigned from one of my jobs. It was a very hard decision, but it was needed.
So this is where I'm at. I'm excited to be more public about the journey this time around and I intend on going through all 16 weeks on here so if you were at all interested in the program or what I did to better myself, here's your chance! I'm not telling you to run off and buy it, but this is what worked for me and so this is what I will use again. Seven years is a long time to be out of "treatment" so to speak so I think it's going to be a great thing to revisit and remind myself of lessons I've clearly forgotten about. My blog posts won't just be about the program, though. I do have a long list of topics I wanted to discuss before I went on hiatus. As always, if there are any topics you'd like me to talk about, feel free to let me know! Also, if you know of someone who would benefit from this blog, feel free to share it. I have 9 followers now and I'll always welcome more!
Love and Light~
Tammy
I know I've been away for a few months. Things got quite hectic at the end of tax season and then my May and June were jam packed with birthday and volunteer commitments. Last weekend was my first weekend off from everything and it was nice to have a day or two to do absolutely nothing!
So, what's been up with me? Well, I joined a gym. Exercise is awesome for those of us with anxiety issues. I will touch upon that in another blog, but I can tell you one thing. No matter what kind of a day I'm having (anxious, bad, pissed, etc.) by the time I leave the gym I feel great. I never joined one before and I didn't know that I would turn into a gym rat so fast, but I love it.
On the anxiety front, I've been better. I've been worse too so I have that to be thankful for. I came to the conclusion that trying this or that are not working and that I need to start back up what I know works. So, I ordered another workbook for the program I was on and I am going to do the 16 week program all over again. It's time. I feel a little bummed about it but at the same time I don't. I know I'm no where near as bad as I was before I first started the program seven years ago but I also know that I'm not where I was when I finished the program either. Nothing wrong with going through it again, touching upon some things I still need help with and moving up to a new level of recovering. I also decided that I can't spread myself as thin as I was and I resigned from one of my jobs. It was a very hard decision, but it was needed.
So this is where I'm at. I'm excited to be more public about the journey this time around and I intend on going through all 16 weeks on here so if you were at all interested in the program or what I did to better myself, here's your chance! I'm not telling you to run off and buy it, but this is what worked for me and so this is what I will use again. Seven years is a long time to be out of "treatment" so to speak so I think it's going to be a great thing to revisit and remind myself of lessons I've clearly forgotten about. My blog posts won't just be about the program, though. I do have a long list of topics I wanted to discuss before I went on hiatus. As always, if there are any topics you'd like me to talk about, feel free to let me know! Also, if you know of someone who would benefit from this blog, feel free to share it. I have 9 followers now and I'll always welcome more!
Love and Light~
Tammy
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