It's been a rough couple of weeks

The second leg of this anxiety journey has proven to be a harder one than I ever imagined.  I feel so frustrated and conflicted in a way I've never felt before.  I think it's because I know how I was but I also know what it's like to be free from anxiety so I'm constantly fighting with myself.  I feel like a dog that keeps chasing his tail.

It's clear that this time around I have far more depression than I did the first time around.  Last time I was so anxious and agoraphobic that I completely isolated myself in my house as well as within my own brain.  I was depressed, sure, as anxiety and depression go hand and hand, but I was far too anxiety ridden to even care about it.  I was plagued with limitations, irrational fears, scary thoughts, panic attacks and anything else you can think of so feeling down didn't really bother me too much.  This time I don't have the limitations I did, before.  I still get panic attacks but they are far and few between and I know exactly what they are and how to handle them.  I still have irrational fears, but I work on those so now it seems like all I feel is depressed, bummed out, moody, and angry.  I'm angry because I feel like I can't just snap out of it.  I realize I have deeper issues with the loss of my brother, with the loss of smokey, but in a way I think I'm mourning myself most of all.  I know this disorder is a life long illness.  Much like an alcoholic or a drug addict, I have a bad habit that is bad for my health.  It sucks me in at times and I have to fight my way to get out of it.  And, much like someone with this kind of addiction, it's so disappointing when a set back jumps up and wiggles in our faces.  I've been focusing so much on the negative and putting blinders on to the big picture.  My biggest fear at this point is that I'm not giving my "all" to the program like I did nine years ago (yeah I thought it was seven, but it's nine).  This has to stop right now.

Yesterday I had a long chat with my wonderful husband.  He described this set back in a way that I could understand.  I'm a very visual person so I usually need to have things spelled out, drawn out, or painted for me in order to understand.  He asked me to imagine my disorder like a wall I painted.  When it dried, I notice a few spots I missed.  I wouldn't go and re-paint the entire wall, I'd re-paint the spots I missed.  That made so much sense to me in terms of the program.  I'm listening to the entire thing (which you have to) but I'm going through parts I already painted and essentially healed.  It's going to be harder to pick out and utilize the parts I missed the first time and need right now.  It doesn't mean that I'm half assing the program, it simply means I'm not needing to re-paint these parts of the wall but it's great to refresh the area to make sure I got it all.  BUT, at the same time, I can't go into it thinking "I don't need to listen to this, I know it already" because I may tune out to that one important part that I need to give me that "ah ha" moment of healing.

I was contemplating starting over again and being more in tuned to the program, but Justin said that I shouldn't based on the above.  I think I will back step a lesson or two and really work on the ones I need at this point.  The angry lesson in particular.  I have to get back to a place where I'm not a reactionary person.  I need to put that filter back up because it doesn't make me feel good to be so angry and bothered, just as it doesn't make the person feel good I'm lashing out on.  I also need to start blogging more.  Getting my feelings out really helps, and I don't know why I stopped it.  I don't even journal in private so I'm bottling things up.  Never a good thing with an anxious mind. 

Bottom line is I just have to get up and do it.  I know how I'm feeling, and I know that I don't like it so I need to stop poo pooing about it and change it.  Will all my days be happy from now on?  Yeah right!  Not even close, but this is what we call life.  If we were happy all the time we wouldn't appreciate it as much.

I'll be away this weekend for a wedding, but I am hoping to start up my weekly Friday blog like I was doing over the winter.  Now that it's getting cooler and darker out sooner and I am no longer painting my house...I think I will have the time to do it.  I have to MAKE the time to do it.

Thanks for listening to me babble.

Much Love and Light
~Tammy

Circle of life

I'm supposed to be on session four this week but I took the time to do session three again this week even though that was half assed as well.  I'm having a dilemma with time management.  I feel like I am always trying to beat the clock between work, the gym, the program, and still doing everything else I need to do in a day.  I thought I solved this issue last week with listening to the program while at the gym.  Maybe this is still the answer and my heart just isn't in the program the past week. 

Last week we went from having three kitties to having two.  I had a very very hard time with this, more than I ever thought I would.  It wasn't putting him down that killed me, it was knowing he was ill and seeing him not himself even though we were assured by three separate vets that he was not in any pain.  I even took most all of last week off of the gym and if it wasn't for the fact that my boss was on vacation and I could boo-hoo at work, I probably would have had a hard time doing that too.  I've never felt so much grief over anything in my life and I felt it most when he was still alive.  I knew he couldn't live forever, but I just didn't expect it to be verbally diagnosed on a Tuesday and be gone by Friday.  Monday he looked great, Tuesday he just seemed off and we were told that all signs point to kidney failure and with his advanced age and advanced symptoms there was nothing for us to do than just keep him comfortable until nature took its course.  I cried non stop at the thought for the rest of the week but still didn't think that by Wednesday I'd be making the call to put him down because he started to refuse food and water and couldn't take more than a few steps with out falling down.  Just looking at his face I knew it was time.  He just looked depressed that he couldn't move anymore.  He tried to jump up when I went to feed him some can food but fell over and was so upset that he refused more than a few licks and wouldn't take anymore despite me trying to feed him over the course of a few hours.  I spent the rest of my time with him constantly checking to see if he was still breathing and trying to find him when he managed to crawl off somewhere to hide (most likely from me making sure he was OK ha ha).

My last night with him was a rough one.  He had manged to make it up stairs and hid himself in the bottom of a cat tower we have.  I made sure he was still breathing and tried to fall asleep.  I managed two hours from about 1am to little after 3am when I woke up to find he had some how made his way up on the bed.  I still don't know how he did this because it was his back legs that weren't working.  He curled up in his usual spot on my legs and fell asleep for an hour or so.  I didn't have the heart to fall back asleep because I knew this was our last time together so I just enjoyed watching him.  He woke up, saw that I was awake and excitedly tried to make it over to me, which he really couldn't so I helped him over and we cuddled until about 7am when I started to get up and ready for work.  Once he saw me up he tried to jump down so I moved him to the floor so he could see what I was up to.  Smudge took one look at him, sniffed his head, and made the most horrible howling while leaving the room.  For a dumb cat, he sure knew what was up.  I left for work early because I knew if I didn't leave then I'd never make it out of the house and for the next 7 hours I watched the clock to his 3pm appointment.  I give my husband uber amounts of credit for bringing him in.  There's no way in hell I could have done it.  At a little after 3pm I got a text saying the vet really wanted to make sure it was kidney failure and he was admitting him for the night.  I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me at this point.  All this hype and it's being prolonged another day.  I was so glad they kept him though so I could at least try and get some sleep.  By noon the next day it was confirmed...stage 4.  So, my wonderful husband went back and was with him when they put him down.  He assured me it was a peaceful experience and that he was no longer suffering.  The both of us felt a sense of relief.  I think we both knew his time was coming up soon because of his weight loss, but you come to more tolerable conclusions.  Fatty hogs the bowl so he doesn't get a lot, he's old, he's got arthritis, etc.  Outside of him losing weight up until 2 Friday's ago where he had what we now think is a seizure, he was his normal self.  Running around and still eating and drinking and typically being Smokey. 

Although the what ifs came for a visit they were short lived.  I know in my heart we gave him the best possible life and care.  The first vet told my husband that with his breed, kidney failure shows up around the 7-8 year mark.  Smokey would have been 15 in October.  I think that, alone, says we did a good job.  We should be getting his ashes Monday and will be burying him in the back with his favorite pink teddy bear that he carried around since he was a kitten.  In the mean time we still have two crack head cats left that keep us thoroughly entertained.  Of course we are now a little paranoid when it comes to them and getting a little anxious when something looks a bit out of place, but I'm sure this is normal and will pass.  They are adjusting, we are adjusting and I'm sure by this time next month we'll be back to normal.  Right now it's still hard.  I still expect to see him when I come home, and napping on the weekend will never be the same since we always did that together.  But, the circle of life will continue to continue.  We both love animals way too much to not have them in our lives and when these two are gone (hopefully 10 years or more from now), other shelter kitties and/or doggies will enter our lives.  I always told Justin if we could ever afford a huge barn like house, I'd adopt all the older dogs and cats from the shelter that everyone ignores and let them enjoy their Sr. years being spoiled with us.  Maybe one day.

Much Love and Light

~Tammy

Lesson 2

As I stated in my last blog I had...well, have...mixed emotions starting the program again.  I, however, didn't bet on having such a hard time with it.  I feel like I did seven years ago with out the limitations I had.  I feel happy, then angry, then lost and anything else you can find in between.  I'm having doubts even though I know the program works.  Regardless of my feelings at the moment, I'm living proof it works.  I had to ask my husband if I was a complete yo-yo when I started last time.  He assured me I was.  And, by yo-yo I mean having emotional highs and lows not being a doofus, although I'm good at that too.

I'm on lesson 3 now, but I wanted to re-cap lesson 2.

I'm sure I spoke about panic attacks before and I'm sure I'll talk about them again.   It's important to know that EVERYONE has had a panic or anxiety attack at some time in their lives whether they have an anxiety disorder or not.  It is also important to know that YOU CAUSE THIS!  The Fight or Flight system that our complicated bodies have is a magnificent thing.  It's great when we truly need it when in a life or death situation or something else of that magnitude.  However, we tend to over use and abuse this power we have.  We lie to ourselves so intensely and consistently that we believe what we are thinking is real and it starts the cycle.  Our bodies are duped into thinking there is an actual crisis and it starts dumping hormones into our important organs causing them to engorge, pump, and react faster than ever before.  Adrenaline starts pouring into our blood stream which boosts our energy level a million times over so that if we do need to flee, we have the resources to do so.  The problem is, we are sitting at our desk thinking about a tiny twinge in our foot that must now be cancer.  Because we've scared ourselves over a complete lie, our bodies are now high strung and on edge.  BUT, we aren't doing anything to burn it off because there is no danger in reality, just in our highly imaginative minds.  This leads us to forget about what caused the panic cycle to begin with and now we are focused on the body symptoms that come along with the Fight or Flight response.  "My heart is beating fast, I'm going to have a heart attack."  "My head is spinning, I'm going to faint."  "My breathing is short, what if it stops?"  Etc., etc., etc.

Panic attacks are no fun and I wouldn't wish them upon my worst enemy.  They scare the life out of us, get us all worked up for what seems like forever but only lasts maybe 20 minutes and then exhausts us into depression.  The good news is no one has ever died of a panic attack, they don't last forever, and you do have the power to control and eventually eliminate them.  Body symptoms are completely normal.  Once you learn to float with the feelings and not be so afraid of them, the panic attacks will start to lessen.  Talk to yourself to remind yourself that "of course my heart is pounding, I scared myself."  "Of course I'm dizzy, I'm having a panic attack and it will pass."  Stop shadow boxing your scary thoughts, you won't win.  Turn away and give them no power.

They key to getting rid of panic attacks is accepting the fact that you have them and you can either make it better or make it worse simply by how you think.  Once you have a external stressor (I think I made that word up) keep it there.  If you start to get body symptoms because you are entering a panic attack recognize that it's just anxiety and accept that it's perfectly normal to feel this way.  Be kind to yourself and tell yourself it's okay to feel this way.  Make sure you remember to breath (circle breathing or 2/4 breathing) is best which is breathing through your nose for 2 seconds, and then out of your mouth for 4 seconds...TRUE seconds, this isn't a race.  Make sure you be as positive and kind to yourself as you can.  If it's still not eliminating your symptoms then get up and do something.  Help burn that energy off.  Clean the house, go for a walk, play with your kids, etc.  Don't forget to laugh at yourself.  Humor, although panic attacks are not a funny thing especially in the beginning, is a great way to counteract anxious/negative feelings.  It's like anxiety's kryptonite.

I promise the more your practice this the better it gets.  Sometimes I couple humor into the beginning of a panic attack.  "Oh, it's YOU again, huh?  Well c'mon show me what you got!  You wanna go?"  It's OKAY to be silly with it.  That probably helps me most often, but it didn't at the beginning so if that doesn't work for you, figure out what does.  YOU ARE IN CONTROL!  And, you can do this!

Much Love and Light

~Tammy

It's days like these

That remind me how far I've actually come on this anxiety journey regardless of me going back through the program.  For this, I'm eternally grateful for having insomnia and seeing the infomercial, for me finally realizing what my problem was (7 years ago), and for my husband (then boyfriend) ordering me said program before I could even finish asking him if I could get it.  As much as I feel like I've gone backwards in some things, today really opened my eyes on how better I am - above and beyond what my desires were so long ago. 

Dad is off having surgery #3 on his spine.  This time, in his neck due to a pinched nerve.  The previous two surgeries were for his back.  Same surgeon, same hospital, so third time around I'm pretty familiar with how things go.  However, both times previously (once before the program, once after) I was with my mom.  Unfortunately her boss is on vacation and there was no way she could be here and open the store at the same time.  So, my awesome husband dropped dad and I off and I went in it alone.  I had a lot of anticipatory anxiety last night going through scenarios in my head (that never happened as they often don't) about me getting lost, not finding the waiting room, etc.  Not to mention the fact that hospitals give me the wicked heebies in general.  As I sit here in the waiting room typing this out, I have to giggle about myself catastrophizing the whole day yesterday because nothing went wrong.  Everything went smooth.  So silly that we do this to ourselves every.damn.time for absolutely no good reason other than our minds feel the need to consume itself with negativity.

Since I knew I was going to have a long wait, I brought my work book in with me to do my homework.  Yes, the program gives you homework.  As I was going through the questions (pretty much just rating how you are feeling now and how this program will help) I was a bit dissatisfied about some of my answers on how I'm feeling in general.  However, when we got to the part of limitations and rating anxiety levels during certain situations, I had to smile.  When I first came across this pages years prior, 98% of what was listed was a limitation for me and anxiety at the highest level.  Now, only two things on the list is something I would consider a limitation and even at that they still aren't things I'd completely avoid.  Not to mention the fact that my anxiety level is mild/moderate not severe like it used to be.  So *happy dance* for me!

This post really has no purpose other to remind myself that I'm not a defective as I think I am and to occupy my mind some while I'm waiting for the surgeon to come back and talk to me after the surgery is over.

Proud chicky today! *insert cheesy grin*

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

Back to Day One

Well, I finally got my replacement workbook and I started day one of the program tonight.  I had a lot of emotions going into this.  I know this program works and I knew when I graduated from it seven years ago that set backs or what they call growth spurts are inevitable, but I still felt some what apprehensive starting all over again.  I guess, in a way, I felt like some sort of failure for having to use these tools again.  In reality, it just goes to show how much I've grown since I hit rock bottom in 2004.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with knowing you need help and seeking it.  Knowing that I was slipping back into my old ways just goes to prove how much this program works.  If it didn't, I would have gone on living my anxiously angry life like nothing was wrong like I did so many years before.  So, instead of being embarrassed for brushing up on my life skills learned, I'm going to be proud of myself for knowing I need them AND putting the effort into these next 16 weeks.

If you think about it, "all over again" is sort of a loaded phrase.  Yes, I've dedicated the next 16 weeks to go through the learning process a second time, but it really isn't an "all over again."  This time around I'm going in with a much healthier mind, I know what to expect, I know it works, and I am excited to grow even further in this life long process.

After re-reading the intro and listening to the first lesson earlier, my fears and inhibitions dwindled and I knew I was in the right place.  I knew this is where I should be in this part of my journey.  In a way it was like getting to talk to old friends again.  It was also a reminder on how far I've actually come since my first time.  The first lesson is about signs/symptoms and I remember having 99% of what they were talking about.  Now, not so much.  Yes, I have my days, but don't we all?  EVERYONE has anxiety in one form or another, it's how you choose to deal with it that separates us.

I forgot that they want you to do a personal journal through out the program, and I am going to do that here.  I think it might be beneficial to not only me by venting off feelings, but to those reading to see that someone else "has that too."  I know that even now, knowing someone else has felt the same thing or experienced the same physical symptoms is very comforting.  It's sort of like a more reliable Dr. Google ;)  Of course I never suggest anyone using that!

So, that's where I am right now.  Buckle up boys and girls this may be a bumpy ride!  BUT, it'll be well worth it!

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

On the Road Again...

Just can't wait to get on the road again...

I know I've been away for a few months.  Things got quite hectic at the end of tax season and then my May and June were jam packed with birthday and volunteer commitments.  Last weekend was my first weekend off from everything and it was nice to have a day or two to do absolutely nothing!

So, what's been up with me?  Well, I joined a gym.  Exercise is awesome for those of us with anxiety issues. I will touch upon that in another blog, but I can tell you one thing.  No matter what kind of a day I'm having (anxious, bad, pissed, etc.) by the time I leave the gym I feel great.  I never joined one before and I didn't know that I would turn into a gym rat so fast, but I love it.

On the anxiety front, I've been better.  I've been worse too so I have that to be thankful for.  I came to the conclusion that trying this or that are not working and that I need to start back up what I know works.  So, I ordered another workbook for the program I was on and I am going to do the 16 week program all over again.  It's time.  I feel a little bummed about it but at the same time I don't.  I know I'm no where near as bad as I was before I first started the program seven years ago but I also know that I'm not where I was when I finished the program either.  Nothing wrong with going through it again, touching  upon some things I still need help with and moving up to a new level of recovering.  I also decided that I can't spread myself as thin as I was and I resigned from one of my jobs.  It was a very hard decision, but it was needed.

So this is where I'm at.  I'm excited to be more public about the journey this time around and I intend on going through all 16 weeks on here so if you were at all interested in the program or what I did to better myself, here's your chance!  I'm not telling you to run off and buy it, but this is what worked for me and so this is what I will use again.  Seven years is a long time to be out of "treatment" so to speak so I think it's going to be a great thing to revisit and remind myself of lessons I've clearly forgotten about.  My blog posts won't just be about the program, though. I do have a long list of topics I wanted to discuss before I went on hiatus.  As always, if there are any topics you'd like me to talk about, feel free to let me know!  Also, if you know of someone who would benefit from this blog, feel free to share it.  I have 9 followers now and I'll always welcome more!

Love and Light~

Tammy

Be your own cheerleader

Seriously.  The person that counts the most in this battle is yourself.  Yes, it is beyond awesome to get praises from those around you, but when push comes to shove, you are the one who is stuck with you no matter what the circumstances are.  So why not be your own cheerleader?  Whip out the pompoms if you have to!

When I was at my worst, I had so many things that I "couldn't" do.  I'm sure a lot of you are feeling the same way or at least have felt that way in the past.  Sometimes we dwell so much on the things we "can't" do (or rather won't) that we overlook overcoming any obstacles.  Regardless of how small the task may be, give yourself a pat on the back for doing it.  What may seem like a small feat for someone is probably a huge deal to you!  Make sure you give yourself recognition for stepping out of your comfort zone and accomplishing something you previously wouldn't have done.  Not only does it deserve your praise, but it makes you feel so good about yourself!  It also helps solidify that you can do things and you can get better.  As I stated last night, dwell in the positive feelings...do a happy dance if you must...whatever it takes for you to congratulate yourself on a job well done.  You'd do it for your friends, family, kids...why not do it for yourself?

Even though I'm far better than I was, there are still some lingering issues that I have.  One of them being a phone phobia.  To put it plainly, I'd rather have root canal work done than call someone.  I find it so stressful and I usually have to work myself up for an hour over a five minute phone call.  I've always been this way, even as a kid.  Teenage girl on the phone all night long?  Only if they called me!  I think this stems from one or two incidents I had when I actually did call someone and I started to talk to them as if they were the person I was calling, and it was someone else.  I was so embarrassed by it that I think of it every time I go to pick up the phone.  OR, just the opposite, when you don't recognize the voice and ask for so and so and their reply is "duh it's me!"  Nothing like feeling like a complete jackass to keep you from making that mistake more than once!  Those things happened to me over 20 years ago and yet they are still fresh in my mind.

Well, leave it to me to have an office job.  Of course one of my main jobs in the office is answering the phones (fine, that doesn't bother me at all) and calling people back, especially during tax season.  I do have to say that over the 14ish years of working there, I've gotten a lot better.  However, I still find it nerve wracking to call people back.  I will usually do a whole bunch of call backs at once and every time I get to the bottom of the list, I do my little happy clap and pat myself on the back for getting through another 30 minutes of non-stop phone calls.  Do I look silly?  Probably, but I don't care.  I'm so proud of myself when I finish that it's worth it.  And, it does make the next round of calls a little easier because I know that in a few short minutes I'll be doing my happy little clap all over again.

Bottom line is, you are working on yourself so you need to praise yourself.  We spend enough time getting down on ourselves for doing x, y, and z it's about time we rooted for ourselves for doing a, b, and c.

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

One day at a time?

No, not the TV show.  Am I dating myself?  At any rate, I'm sure everyone has heard of this phrase before.  I'm also sure that most of you have heard it in reference to alcoholics and/or drug addicts.  But, sometimes one day at a time doesn't quite work.  This is especially true if you are at a low point in your life or are having a hard time at the moment. 

The saying is meant to help people with addiction (us included) to focus on the now and not the past or future.  Remember, if you are living in the past you're depressed, if you are living in the future you're anxious, if you are living in the present you are content.  All forms of addiction have anxiety and depression feelings linked to it, so it's best to focus on the present moments and take things one day at a time.  However, sometimes a whole 24 hours is too much pressure for us to handle all at once.  So, I encourage you to take things one hour at a time instead!  If you are having an issue, a pain, a moron client, whatever...take it for that hour, deal with it, then let it go.  If you are having a good time, are happy, are relaxed...build on that, absorb the positive feelings and enjoy the moment that is making you smile.  Eventually, like writing down your negative thoughts, the bad moments won't seem as bad and won't stick in our minds for long while the good moments will carry us through the day. 

Today I had some ups and downs, as I'm sure everyone did.  I went most of the day w/o stomach pain but it started to come back around noon.  So I told myself that yes, I know the pain is there, but it's not severe, and therefore I am not going to feed into the mind games my brain tends to play when I have a pain.  In other words, I gave it no power and chose to continue on with my day.  The next hour was lunch so that was good (fatty likes to eat).  The rest of the day just crawled along and was even keel.  My last 15 minutes of work turned into a 45 minute wait for a client who said she'd be at my office to drop something off within that 15 minutes.  The more I waited, the more upset it made me.  However, her rudeness is none of my control.  Although it made me mad, I chose to focus on the wonderful pedi present my mom scheduled for me for 5pm and I left those feelings at work.  FF to my spa pedicure when I happily picked out a pretty purple color that made me happy just to look at it and I eagerly hopped in the chair with a book I've been trying to finish for over a year.  Although I do have issues with them sanding my feet, I kept telling myself to just relax with it an enjoy it.  And, I did!  One hour of being pampered was amazing and now my Freddy Krueger toes are cut back and pretty again.  Even hours later I'm still feeling the affects of this amazing time my mom gave to me and I'm relaxed and ready to face tomorrow.  So, even though my day had bad parts, I took it one hour at a time, one issue at a time and it still turned out to be a really good day regardless of the speed bumps that I had to slow down and climb myself over.

There's a saying out there somewhere about not letting a bad moment turn into a bad day or a bad day turning into a bad life.  I'll have to find it, but you get the gist.  One bad moment shouldn't delegate how the rest of your day should go.  If you let it, you will be missing out on so many amazing moments.  Instead of living one bad moment to another, try to live one great moment to another.  So think back about your day today and list the amazing moments you had, even if they seem small.  Allow yourself to be happy.

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

Completely in tune...not always a good thing

Let's talk about heightened sensitivity tonight, shall we? 

I want to bring each and every one of you back in time a little bit until you find yourself sitting in your high school math class.  Doesn't matter which one.  You've been sitting in class for 15 minute already and have either been hearing your teacher explain something you've never heard of before, or have been listening to her "wah wah wah wah" like all the teachers do on Peanuts.  Regardless, you've been hearing nothing but her chat about something you are convinced you will never use again in your life time.  This is how "normal" people go through out life.  They listen to what is around them, take in outside noise, and disregard or simply don't even notice much of anything else. 

Now let's go back to math class.  One of your classmates every so lovingly brings to your attention the fluorescent lights making that buzzing sound it always does.   Awesome, now that's all you hear!  Will it ever shut up?   This is how anxiety sufferers go through life especially with their own bodies.  Because we have such a heightened awareness and sensitivity to all things around us, those light and constant "buzzes" most people don't ever notice will consume us.  We feel, hear, taste, and smell what most people don't, won't, can't, or could care less about. 

Because our nerves are stimulated all.the.time due to our brains being on overdrive, it only makes sense that we would be more in tuned with our bodies.  This isn't necessarily a good thing.  Granted, it's nice to know who we are and what works for us on a daily basis.  However, with our compulsiveness (especially when it comes to health issues) it just causes more anxiety and stress.  A minor ache or pain will happen and our minds will instantly go to that part of our bodies and try to figure out why it happened and what it could be.  Most people might get that same reaction, but the process may last all of a few seconds.  When no answer is found, they simply move on with life.  Not us.  We're over achievers!  We will dwell on it for hours, days, months, even years and it's a guarantee if the pain, ailment, issue was bad enough...we'll always remember.   It's all a part of that hypochondriac part of anxiety coupled with fear about what it is that does us in.

In the program I did, it was said that if there is a major problem, chances are your body will know.  Meaning, if you are humming and hawning over a minor ache and pain for days or weeks on end, chances are it's not a big deal and you need to stop dwelling on it.  I'm not saying the pain isn't real, because I'm sure it is, I'm saying that you probably shouldn't be consuming you're entire life around this one thing.   It won't help you to focus and waste so much energy on it anyway so just acknowledge that you have it but then tell it you aren't giving it any energy today and focus on something else.  I know it sounds silly, but sometimes you just have to talk to yourself like that.  I, at least, find it helpful.

Here are a couple of things I've learned with myself that may help you out in this area.  If I've told you this already, I apologize.  Tax season leaves me with a short stack of functioning brain cells.  Anyway, if you have an ache/pain or an other ailment that's been nagging you for a while, take notice to when it is actually bothering you.  If you are wrapped up in a book, TV show, movie, the internet, or anything else and you aren't feeling the pain at all then chances are it's anxiety/tension/stress related.  You may not notice it at first but eventually you'll think to yourself "hey that headache went away" and it's usually followed by "oh crap it's back" because you are thinking about it again.  Here's another example... If pain A is suddenly gone because you now have pain B, chances are it is also anxiety/stress/tension related.  I spent many years going from one ailment to another simply because I was giving one ailment power until another one came along and I forgot about the first one.  When I was at my all time low, I don't think there was one day where something didn't hurt me. 

I'm not saying that every ache, pain, and issue you have is anxiety related and I'm not saying that you shouldn't visit your Dr. (a much more qualified person than I am) if you feel it it warranted.  I am just telling you what *I* personally have experienced in my life and hopefully can put some of your fears at ease knowing someone else has had the same or a similar issue.

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Piggybacking my last post, I decided to take some time out and truly think about what makes me happy and what I like. I think I mentioned it a few blogs prior, that anxiety sufferers tend to purposely walk off the beaten path. Not necessarily because that is what we truly like (although that could very well be) but because we would rather not like what you like because “it's dumb”, “it sucks”, or any other negative phrase you can think of. It's all part of that Negative Nancy persona coupled with the “I'm going to shoot you down hoping to make you as miserable as me” attitude. Sometimes, we stay on this road so long that we start to believe that we really don't like x, y, and z. Granted, I'm sure there are a lot of mainstream things that each and every one of us doesn't like. I can name ten right off the bat, but when you don't like anything, that's when there's a problem.

I'm going to peruse my brain and list some things I do like and make me happy. As I said on Friday, I need to start focusing on the positives in life and not the negatives. We all know I could write a 20 page paper on things I don't like, but it's not about that. It is time to remind myself what I do like. This is a great exercise for all of us to do, actually. Not only does it remind you of what you love, but it helps break out of that fear we all hold on to so tightly. You know what fear I'm talking about? The one that jumps in front of our vocal chords when we try to admit we feel a certain way. The one that stops us from admitting most anything because “what if they don't like it”, “what will they say” ,“how will they react”, “will they think less of me now”, etc. BUT this is a whole other issue I'll get to at some point.

So, aside from my family (most of them anyway), my friends, and my husband (because obviously I love them otherwise why would they be in my life?), here's my list:

1. Music. I LOVE music! I grew up in a musical house hold in one form or another. My mom and sister were/are in drum corps, my dad taught me the oldies by always having them on. Mom also brainwashed me with Abba as a young child ;) I, myself, played flute/piccolo and was a proud Band Geek most of my school days. Music just speaks to me on so many levels. It's a great comfort to me no matter how I am feeling. Music has just always spoke to me, in fact I have many song lyrics in my journal while I was going through the program.
2. The Beatles. Yes, that's music, but if you don't know me much, I'm pretty obsessed with them. They just put so much emotion in their music. I cannot WAIT to see Abbey Road in 2013!
3. Traveling. Since I spent so much time locked away in my self constructed prison, now that I'm able to get out, I LOVE doing it! I've seen more places in the past 7 years that I have in my entire life. In the next two years I have Jersey, Vegas, NYC, London, Paris, and St. Lucia on the list.
4. Gardening. This I already talked about. I find it very relaxing.
5. Wine and Wine Tasting. I went to Cali just a few short years ago to do it with some new friends for the first time, and I've been hooked ever since!
6. Water falls/ocean waves. I just love the sound of water (unless I have to pee!). I could stare at a water fall or sit on a beach just listening to the waves all day long. Completely relaxing.
7. Campfires. There's no better smell in the entire world, to me, than wood burning. My favorite part of Spring/Summer is inviting myself over to other people's campfires. Yes, you read that right, we don't have the room here to burn. I can lose myself just staring into the flames. Not to mention s'mores! Mmmm!
8. Animals. With the exception of the two I'm afraid of, a sure fire way to get me to smile is to plop and animal in front of me. Aquariums and Zoos? Yes please! I loved being an animal handler at the CT Humane Society as well. It gave me a whole other point of view and I'm grateful I had the opportunity to volunteer there for a few years.
9. Food/drink. No, really...fatty likes to eat! A great meal or one of my favorite drinks can change my mood and seriously make me one happy girl. Hungry Tammy = Bitchy Tammy. Cherry Limeades, Sweet tea, crab cakes, potato salad, guacamole, peas, goat cheese, mussels, s'mores, and hot chocolate are some of my all time faves.
10. My Papason chair. Seriously my favorite place in the entire house to sit. I always wanted one and last year my neighbor decided she didn't want hers so I snagged it. It is also my blogging chair and my dip idea chair.
11. RuPaul. I look forward to Mondays because a know a new Drag Race will be on. He's got a great sense of humor, has the best laugh ever, and has done so much for the LGBT community. His general outlook on life is very inspirational.
12. Orange. LOVE the color orange. Just finding something in a store in that color makes me excited and happy. Not too many things come in orange.
13. Getting out and trying new things. I may be reluctant at some things but I do really enjoy trying and experiencing new things.

I think I will end it here. I'm so glad that I could sit in my super comfy blogging chair and come up with these things that make me happy and what I really like. When I was talking with my husband earlier this week and then blogging on Friday, it really made me sad to think that I didn't feel like anything made me happy. I knew that wasn't necessarily true, but to not be able to come up with at least ONE thing right away really got me down. I also felt that if I had to mull over it for days at a time then, did that “thing” really make me happy? Probably not.

Here's to all of us finding what makes us happy in life!

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

Negative Nancy in the house! Raise the roof!

Yes, I'm still alive!  The last few weeks of tax season are always the busiest and the hardest on me emotionally and regardless of what people like to believe (It's the same way every year you should be used to it) it doesn't make it any easier or less stressful.

It's safe to say that the past year + has been a long roller coaster ride.  I'm at the 7 year mark of "recovery" which is that all too familiar number when people's emotions tend to go all wonky in all aspects of life.  Then there's my brothers death that I told the world I dealt with ok but just really stuffed everything deep down inside (and here I just thought my hips were getting fatter ;) ).  I am having a harder time this past year than I have in the past 7 and I'm allowing it to take over more than I would like.  At least I'm recognizing it faster and am more willing to listen to others telling me I'm being ____ fill in the blank.  I feel so out of control lately and so lost at the same time.  I just don't know what I want, how I feel, or why it has started.  I'm in that funky middle of blah that will last a few weeks then I'll be uplifted and rejuvenated for a few weeks then back down to blah.  Old habits are so easy to come creeping back in and I need to start focusing on combating that.  I simply need to be more grounded.


Negativity is yet another issue that goes hand and hand with anxiety.  People who suffer from anxiety disorders are insanely negative even if they don't think they are.  It's a huge problem that just festers under the skin and boils over all day every day.  Negative thinking is nothing but a bad habit.  Our thinking is automatic to what is bad in life vs. what is good in life.  We find fault in everything around us.  We seem to hate everything with out even knowing it.  We turn our noses up at things and make funny faces at ideas.  We never take time to think of the possibilities because we've already shot it down.  Do I need to go on?


This is one of the symptoms of the disorder that will probably make you lose the most friends.  No one wants to be around someone who is negative all.the.time.  Of course everyone in life has negative thoughts but when you dwell on them and outwardly express them chronically, it doesn't make for a friendly environment for you or anyone around you.  I admit there are several friends I have that I shied away from when I got better simply because all they had to say was something bad.  I also openly admit that there are several people on my FB page that are hidden because of the same thing.  I also know that there are some people reading this right now and thinking "oh crap I bet it's me" haha.  If you have that thought, then maybe it's time to put some positivity in your life...yes?


I've been Negative Nancy lately and after having a long and random chat with my husband at 1 am the other night (due to a panic attack), we've decided that it really needs to stop.  I knew I was being more negative than normal, but when other people are noticing then it's really time to knock it off.  Not for them, always for me.  During our chat, I came to the awful realization that I am at a point in my anxiety journey that has left me wondering who the hell I am.  My husband asked me to focus on things I like and make me happy and quite frankly I couldn't think of anything.  That's pretty sad.  I don't know what I want in life, truly I don't.  I went from being cooped up in my head for years and then locked in my house for an additional seven or so years to breaking free and trying to do everything I missed on all at once.  While I am thankful for being better and getting out and doing things like a "normal" person does, it didn't leave me much time to find who I am.  Now that life is slowing back down a bit I'm really left with "now what?"  It's sad, I guess, that I don't know who I am, what I want, or even what I like.   On top of that, I don't even know how to go about finding those answers.  One thing is for sure, I need to start focusing on the positives in life and go from there.  One cannot find himself by hating the world, that's for damn sure.

So, my first priority is to ground myself.  My second priority is getting out of the house and enjoying my surroundings (Husband's orders) ;)  I am going to accomplish both of those by jumping into something I do actually love (but took me a whole day of thinking about it to have that AH-HA moment) which is gardening.  I can't think of a better way of grounding yourself than becoming one with the dirt and  making things grow from basically nothing.   This also gets me out in the world and back to living in the moment.   I am also going to start carrying around my negative notebook.  Think of it as the Handy Dandy Notebook w/o Blue and her clues.  It was a homework assignment in the program I did and what I had to do was write down every negative thought I had through out the day.  You HAVE to write them down.  Why?  Because believe it or not, unless you are Mr. Rogers, you have more negative thoughts a day than you think, and you won't remember them all.  After doing that for a day or so, then you write down your negative thoughts and then a positive though underneath it.  For example... This client is a complete jackass (negative)  This client isn't out to give me a hard time, they just don't know better (positive).  Pretty soon, you'll find yourself stopping the negative thoughts before you even completely think them and sub them with positives.  You should give it a try and tell me how it goes.  Seriously.  In a month's time I bet thinking positive becomes more automatic than thinking negative.  It's a much better way to live and I'm excited to start and possibly finding out who I am in the process.


Much Love and Light~


Tammy

Dido - Honestly OK.

We are the world...

and their problems are ours! 

Another symptoms, side effect, or whatever you'd like to call it, of an anxiety disorder is emotionally bonding ourselves to everything.  As if we didn't have enough emotional problems of our own, we feel the need to unnecessarily take on other people's problems too.  I'm not quite certain why we feel the need to do this.  Maybe it's because we secretly want to belong so we invite ourselves into everything hoping to fix it and be liked or maybe our brains are tired of our own problems that they try someone else's on for size for a while.  For whatever reason it is, it seems to be automatic and it ensures our brains and our bodies complete exhaustion.

Here are some examples of what I mean:

I'm driving to work and I see someone go right on red when there's a sign clearly stating "no right on red."  Ordinary people would call them an asshat and move on.  Not us!  We make that problem our own by fuming about it.  Re-living the incident in our heads over and over and dreaming of them being caught by the cops or a hundred other scenarios we could possible come up with for the next 20 minutes.  Why should they break the law and get away with it?  *fume, bitch, moan*  The only thing we are accomplishing by this is using unnecessary time and energy on something that has absolutely nothing to do with us.  It starts our adrenaline going, starts other hormones going, gets us riled up for no reason at all and will probably put us in a bad mood for at least an hour.

Friday, at work, I got a phone call from a client stating that he got another letter from the IRS.  I guess he's been getting letters (which my boss is aware of  and working on) about his 2009 tax returns.  He asks to drop it off, I tell him that's fine.  Seconds go by and a friend of his calls (who is also a client) and she tells me more about what is going on and how they are looking to seize his property.  Right now I am already starting to worry about this issue as if it is my own, when it has absolutely nothing to do with me.  My job is the answer the phone, write down the message, make sure my boss gets the letter and said message, and make sure he calls the client back.  THAT'S IT!  But, no, my brain is now all flustered worrying about this poor guy and his situation like it was happening to me.  So now my body has started with the adrenaline and the like as stated above, except instead of being mad, I'm now worried.

We have enough problems in our own lives, we do not need to take on the world's problems.  We know what worry, anger, anxiety, depression, etc. does to us in general, adding to it is just asking for trouble.  WE CANNOT CONTROL AND SOLVE EVERYTHING!  Even though we like to delude ourselves into thinking we can.  Let the appropriate people take care of the problems outside of your space, and you take care of your own problems.  Next time something happens and you start to get those "need to control the situation" feelings, stop yourself and tell yourself "it's their problem not mine!"  I'm not saying you should lack compassion and empathy, just stop taking on these problems as if they were your own.  Help only when it's asked, needed, or warranted.  If neither happens, step away.  If it's something stupid like example #1, step away.  You'll never heal if you continue to beat up your mind and body with needless worry and stress.  Work on solving your own problems before you take on the world.

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

Scary Thoughts Revisited...Suicide

I feel the need to go back to one of my previous posts and explain myself better.  In my Scary Thoughts post, I did some detailing about what they are and I gave an example of one of the ones I've had in the past.  To recap, one of my scary thoughts (which is common among anxiety sufferers) was badly hurting myself like randomly slicing my wrists while shaving in the tub.  I went on to say that this is only a scary thought and that it is silly because I'd never actually do that since a big fear for me (and many sufferers) is death.  I also went on to say that just because you've had a thought like this doesn't mean you are suicidal.

Here is where I would like to start back up the conversation because looking back I felt like I was downsizing the issue.  If you are having these thoughts mentioned above, whether it be cutting, hanging, jumping, pills or any other form of suicide and these thoughts are NOT scary to you and ARE comforting to you, PLEASE go get help.  There is a difference between having suicidal scary thoughts and being suicidal.  If the thoughts scare you, it's simply a scary thought.  If these thoughts don't scare you, seem like a good idea, bring comfort or peace to you, then you are on your way or are already in crisis.  If this is you, please call 1-800-273-TALK (8225) right now.  There is hope and help here for you and you're life IS worth living.

My brother committed suicide 1 year 1 month 11 days ago.  There's not one day that goes by that I don't think of him or miss him.  There are days where I hated him (especially in the beginning) and I hated myself for feeling that way.  Suicide may feel like a solution to you, but it just becomes and problem and heart ache to everyone who loves you.  I wanted to ring my brother's neck when I heard the news.  I didn't and probably never will understand why.   First and foremost how could he have done this to his kids especially since both of his biological parents also committed suicide.  He knew first hand how shitty that feels.  And, yeah, I know the statistics weren't on his side since both parents went that way, it didn't make my anger or disappointment any less.  Not only did his death leave broken hearts and emptiness but the not knowing why made it 100 times worse.  To me, it felt like if I could get some sort of explanation, that would make it better.  Unfortunately we'll never get that.  He didn't even leave a note.  To this day I still feel like it may have made me feel better if he left one as silly as that sounds.

And then, there's the guilt.  I think my mom felt it more than any of us and I'm sure my dad just kept it to himself.   "What could I have done differently...."  Unfortunately, the answer is nothing.  More often than not this blind sides the family and friends because the person in crisis is consumed and embarrassed by such feelings because of the social stigma behind it and unfortunately that causes them to hide and not seek help.  It's a vicious cycle that I would love to see changed.  The world needs to stop seeing this as an embarrassing issue and start seeing it as an illness that needs attention like any other illness out there.  Millions of people have these thoughts and feelings, that alone should prove that these people are not alone and that there is nothing to hang their head in shame over.  Society would never allow a person with cancer to feel bad about their disease so why should a mental illness be treated any less?  We also need to start treating the disease instead of just shoving random pills down these poor people's throats.  I can't even tell you how many pills my brother was on.  Why can't therapy be prescribed more often?  I'm not saying that medications should not be used nor am I saying that it was the medication's fault, but if every time a person comes in with a new symptom a new pill is prescribed, how is that fixing the root issues? 

Sorry for the tangent.  Bottom line, short story long, I didn't want people to think I was simply minimizing the issue of suicide with my last post.  I was simply talking about scary thoughts and not suicide in general.  Again, if those thoughts feel good to you, please call the above number.  They will never judge you, they just want to give you help you need.

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

Sabotage

"Sabotage is a deliberate action aimed at weakening another entity through subversion, obstruction, disruption, or destruction." (wikipedia)

That about sums it up.  Not only do we do this to ourselves, but we do this to everyone around us whether we realize it or not.  I was famous for doing this, especially to my husband.  Why?  Because I was in a bad place and he wasn't.  So, if I wasn't going to have fun, why should he?  Anxiety is an extremely selfish disease (I'll talk about that another time, it's on my list) and if you've been suffering for a while, like I did, you are probably really damn good at sabotaging the relationships in your life.

I was a horrible person to be around, I admit that.  Jealousy brought on so many emotions in my head that I wasn't capable of handling.  Those who aren't capable of handling said emotions tend to do what we know best...lash out irrationally.  I was stuck in the house all the time outside of work and rarely going out with my mom or maybe my husband.  I was very envious of those people who could just walk out of the house with the intent of doing something fun.  When people would bring up going somewhere or doing something, I immediately shot it down as dumb.  "Why would you want to do that?  That's stupid."  If they've already done something I would do my best to act as uninterested and unimpressed as I possible could.  It wasn't because I really thought what they did was dumb (or maybe it was, doesn't really matter) but because I was in a place where I couldn't do anything and this would make me feel worse about myself therefore I'm going to try to make the person feel as close to how I'm feeling as possible.  If I feel like shit, then so will you was my attitude.  It's no wonder a lot of us sufferers lose friends.  I wouldn't want to be around someone like the old me either. 

My husband took the brunt of most of my issues simply because we lived together and I was around him most.  If he was going to go out, you bet your sweet bippy I was going to plan a fight, fake an ailment or do a thousand other things in order for him to either 1) stay home or 2) go out and have a bad time.  When he did go out, I would sit up waiting for him getting madder and madder if he wasn't home at a time *I* thought he should be home at.  Then, most often, I would blow up at him again when he got home just to seal the deal guaranteeing a craptastic night for everyone involved.  Sounds like fun, right?  Of course during the height of my anxiety issues, I had no idea I was really doing anything wrong.  My emotions felt real and I thought this was the only way to handle them.  Of course I would feel bad after it, and I wrote my fair share of apology letters, notes, e-mails, etc.  But, like with anyone with a problem, that was short lived and the cycle continued over and over.

Thought you were the only one who did that?  OR Maybe after reading this you realize that you do, in fact, do this?  It's a common issue, don't feel so bad.  More often than not we don't even realize we are doing it.  This negative behavior becomes a habit and it's hard to break.  When you feel yourself starting to feel this way you have to tell yourself to STOP and force yourself to actually think about what your actions are instead of just blowing up and dealing with what just happened later.  More often than not we don't really mean what we say, but we blurt it out anyway in hopes to hurt the other person.  If you take five minutes to stop yourself before you get to that point and look at it from THEIR point of view, you might see things differently and choose your words and attitude better.  It isn't their fault you have an anxiety disorder that keeps you locked away the house or keeps you from social situations.  It's not their fault that going out to dinner makes us anxious because we hate people watching us eat (yep not alone there either).  So why do we feel it's our right to blame them and sabotage their lives?  They have every right to go out, live life, be excited about trying new things, and *gasp* do things with out us.  It's not all about us as much as we like to think it is.  We have to stop acting like children and throwing a tantrum when we don't get our own ways.  It's not an easy feat but it can happen with practice.  Start walking that mile in the other one's shoes, you may be surprised what you see!

Tonight I leave you with the Beasties :)

SABOTAGE!

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

Past, Present, and Future

The past, present, and future can mean a lot of things to a lot of people.  More often than not, you'll see it honored in some way such as the three stone necklaces and rings.  I, myself, have three ladybugs tattooed on my foot to remind me of where I came from, where I am now, and my dreams for the future.  However, this blog post is not about honoring or remembering, this blog post is about how you are living you're life.


The Past
If you are constantly thinking of,  re-playing things in your head, or just generally living life in the past, you are showing depression.  No, I don't mean that looking back on fond memories means you're depressed.  Remember, I am speaking from the perspective of someone with an anxiety disorder.  I am talking about how one little issue can be replayed over and over in our heads along with the million of other scenarios we "should have" done instead.

Raise your hand if you've gotten ready for bed and stayed up for hours re-playing the day and beating yourself up for things you didn't say, should have done, could have done better.   *raises hand*  Instead of moving on we tend to dwell on "issues" that no one even noticed or if they did, they don't care about.  Yet, we will torture ourselves for hours, days, or even weeks and months over something so trivial that no one else even remembers.  This constant scolding we do to ourselves makes us feel bad, worthless, and like we can't do anything right.  Hell, there are times now that an incident will randomly pop up in my head from years ago and I think STILL beat myself up for not doing x, y, and z.  For example, several years ago I was on my way to work and stopped at a red light.  There was a little old lady walking on the sidewalk and she lost her balance.  She didn't fall, but she stumbled a bit.  To this day I beat myself up for not getting out of my car and helping that poor woman and I'm in a far better place than I used to be.  Times that about 1000 for what people in the midst of an anxiety do to themselves daily, if not hourly.  You can't go back and change what once was, that only happens in the movies.  As hard as it is, and I know it's hard, you need to accept the things that have happened and move forward having learned a lesson from it.

The Future
If you are constantly thinking about what ifs, what will bes, and generally living life in the future, you're showing anxiety.  This is where most of us anxiety sufferers live.  Well, I guess that's a beyond obvious statement!  Anticipatory anxiety is a horrendous thing.  Tell us we are about to go somewhere or do something and in 10 minutes time we've already played out the whole thing in our heads about 20 times.  We set ourselves up for failure in our heads before we even leave to go do something.  And what does this do?  Depends on where you are anxiety wise, but in a lot of cases it leads to a panic attack and then forces us to back out which then starts the past paragraph and we get depressed about it.  Either way we are going to feel like we are stuck.  The funny thing about the future and anticipatory anxiety is 99% of the time none of the things we played in our heads ever happen and more often than not, once we warm up to the situation, we end up having a good time.  I don't know why we insist on sabotaging ourselves every.damn.time but we do. 

Here's an example.  The husband says "hey we got invited to this picnic, let's go!"  Instead of saying "yeah ok, sounds like fun" my thought pattern went directly to "I won't know anyone there and no one is going to like me.  What if I have a panic attack there, people will think I'm crazy.  No one is going to talk to me, like my hair, like my make up or my clothes and they'll all be staring at me.  What if I say something stupid and people laugh at me?"  etc, etc, etc.  These thoughts start to scare me which start to release hormones and eventually will make me sick over the whole thing.  By the time I get around to answering my husband, I'm already nauseated, my heart is palpitating, I'm sweating, getting waves of fear and am probably on my way to a panic attack.  Not a whole lot of fun at all.  However, the only way to get past this and get better from this type of behavior is to feel the fear and do it any way.  You may feel awkward at first but trust me you'll be so damn proud of yourself for doing it!

The Present
Ok, let me try this paragraph again.  I typed it all out and blogger deleted it somewhere between me saving it and then posting it. 

At any rate, if you are soaking in the world around you, taking things one day at a time, and generally living life in the present, you are at peace. 

This a great place to be and one that you should be striving for in your anxiety disorder journey.  I'm not saying that every day is going to be kittens and sunshine, but if you can get to a point where the present moments start to out weigh the past and present, you are definitely on track!  A good thing to do is to start focusing on the positives in your day, or better yet purposely make time for them.  Go for a walk, actually go out and smell the roses, watch the clouds go by, play with your kids and pets.  Whatever it is you decide to do, as long as you are in the present moment and forgetting the rest, your mind, body, and soul will thank you for it.

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

I feel worse, it's not working.

Sorry for my absence yesterday.  I had one killer migraine due to a stressful day at work and the moon phase (full moon tonight).  I was also having a hard time anxiety wise last night.  I've been having discomfort on my lower right side that logically I know is a back issue, but last night I let the pain get the better of me and spent better part of the evening anxious and checking over and over that it wasn't my appendix.  Yes, even as better as I am in general, I still have my off days.  I was talking to my husband about it briefly this morning and not only was the moon phase just right, my day at work just right, wrong time of the month in general, but I've opened a can of worms by starting this blog.  I never really thought about it prior to my idea to start this blog but it makes perfect sense.  I am airing out my dirty laundry so to speak and of course it's going to stir up some old emotions, emotions that need to be dealt with and face with head on so that I can say good by to them and continue down my road of recovery .  It's only natural that by visiting old wounds, I may get some of those anxious feelings again.  The big difference this time is I know what it is and how to handle it.

At any rate, going through what I did last night and then talking about it to my husband this morning made me add this topic to my ever growing list of things to talk about here.  As I stated before, I did CBT to help me recover from this horrible disorder.  It was a self help program that I followed for 16 weeks.  With the first week one of the things that was mentioned was that you are probably going to feel worse in the beginning, but they promised it would get better.  Sort of like what happened to me last night.  They weren't kidding when they said that.  My first few weeks into this program I felt like shit ran over by a big mac truck.  My anxiety was on a whole other level I didn't even think was possible.  Forget about general anxiety (feeling anxious all the time) more like panic attack anxiety.  Ok I just made that up but my panic attacks went way up, I had more symptoms and side effects, my sleeping was non existent, and I just thought "holy crap I just spent a ton on something to make me feel worse, it's not working!) 

Many people feel like this.  In fact, I'd be willing to bet most people feel like this.  It's A LOT to deal with and for someone who is on edge and over sensitive to begin with, it feels like pure hell.  We have to face things we swept under the rug for so long.  We have to admit to things we were so quick to blame others for.  We have to start coming to terms the fact that we do a lot of these things to ourselves.  It's a whirlwind of emotions that can become quite crippling and unfortunately cause a lot of people to give up.  Who wants to feel worse, right?  That's so not what we signed up for!  We signed up for a quick fix. 

Quick fixes simply don't exist.  This isn't an oxiclean commercial and Billy Mays isn't going to yell at you and magically take your stains away.  This is, for most of us, a life long debilitating issue we've been dealing with.  It is going to take a lot of hard work and commitment on your part to better yourself.  And when I mean hard, I mean HARD!  I'm not going to sit here and lie to you and tell you that I sat and listed to a few tapes, did some homework, and POOF I felt better.  I strapped myself into the longest roller coaster ride you've ever seen and the first few weeks were a constant, belly flipping, down hill drop.  BUT, I can promise you that if you keep working at it and work through the initial shock of it all, it does get better. 

Two weekends ago I got in my car BY MYSELF and drove two hours to another state to meet up with girls I initially met online while we were all planning our destination weddings.  Two years ago I got on a plane, BY MYSELF, and flew across country to meet up with another girl from the same group to go wine tasting for a SECOND time (I flew out there once prior).  This once agoraphobic girl climbed up on a boat four months ago, had some island boys strap me to a harness, and I para-sailed Grace Bay, Turks and Caicos.  So, it definitely CAN be done.  It takes a LONG time to get there but the journey is so worth it.  It took me 16 weeks to go through the program initially and then probably another year going over it again from time to time before I really spread my wings and got the courage enough to know I could fly and I would be ok.  You CAN get better it just comes down to how committed you are to it and how bad you want it.  I have faith in all of your that are struggling right now! 

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

Did I just think that?

One of the symptoms I frequently got and still get from time to time is a little skeleton most of us keep in our closet called Scary Thoughts.  Seems like an every day term to someone who hasn't been there.  I mean, it seems like a pretty benign term just hanging out here on my blog.  However, a scary thought just isn't an "oh crap I think I left the iron on at home" kind of thought.  A Scary Thought to an anxiety sufferer is more like "What if I took this knife and just stabbed my leg with it" or "What if I purposely drown my kid in the tub tonight" kind of thought.  The thought itself seems disturbing enough but then we get that wave of fear which starts the analytical wheels turning in our heads and make this random, horrible thought into, in most cases, a full blown panic attack.  While most people would probably not get a thought like that and if they did would simply say to themselves "well that's just silly" and move on we start ourselves down a shame spiral that is striped with fear.  Here's an example:

I'm sitting at home watching TV.  My anxiety level is probably a 2 or 3 since I'm home and I'm fixated on a TV show.  <enter scary thought, stage left>  "What if while I'm shaving tonight I press down so  hard that I shave a piece of skin right off"  or better yet "what if while I'm shaving I just casually cut my wrists."  Said scary thought stops me dead in my tracks and I am no longer focusing on the TV and on the thought I just had.  My anxiety is now about a 4.  My next thoughts go something like this, in rapid succession:  "Why did I just think that?  How could I think that?  Am I crazy? I must be crazy who has thoughts like these?  Do schizos think like this?  That must be it, I'm a schizo! (anxiety is probably a 6 or 7) Holy crap I'm schizo!  Oh no...my heart is palpitating again.  I knew it wasn't temporary, it must be some sort of heart disease.  (anxiety is at 8 or 9)  Great now I'm a schizo with a heart problem.  Ow, it hurts!  OMG IT'S A HEART ATTACK  (Anxiety is at a 10 now full on panic attack) What was a normal pulse again?  *checks wrist, checks neck, back to wrist for pulse points and feverishly counts over and over*  I can't go to the hospital they'll really know I'm nuts.  I can't call 911 that's so embarrassing!  Justin would hate me if I make him take me.  <enter cat doing something dumb stage right>  I get distracted with the cat, my anxiety comes down, I forget about the whole thing and I live another day!

Is that over embellished?  Unfortunately, no.  Did I really have those scary thoughts?  Unfortunately, yes.  And, yet, I'm still here to tell you all about it.

Having scary thoughts is more common than you think.  As much as I hate to have you guys use the good ole anxiety producing google...do it.  Just google "scary thoughts" and what comes up?  Tons of pages of Scary thoughts and Anxiety or PP depression.  IT'S COMMON!  You aren't a freak of nature.  At one time or another we've all gotten them.  THEY ARE JUST THOUGHTS nothing more and you need to remind yourself of that.  Our brains are on mach 10 24 hours a day with a million thoughts.   Unfortunately most of them are negative thoughts and a good amount are scary.  But, as I said yesterday, you choose how to react to everything that comes and goes in your life.  You can choose to ignore it or acknowledge it and give it no power.  "Yeah I heard you, but that's a silly thought and it will never happen"  then move on to something else.

Now is a good time to share with you one of my favorite definitions of the word fear.  FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real  Think about it...I had a scary thought that I was going to slice myself or cut my wrists.  I bet I'm not the only one who thought of a "suicidal" thought.  Does that make me suicidal?  No, it doesn't.  Why?  Because I, like most of the anxiety sufferers out there, are TERRIFIED of death!  Why would I do something I'm terrified of?  Why would you?  Think of your scary thoughts right now.  Would you actually hurt your kids?  Hurt your husband?  Drive your car into a ditch?  No, of course not.  And why?  Because those things are things we are afraid of...dying, losing your kids, losing your husband, etc.  We are magically manifesting things again in our hyperactive brains except instead of manifesting aches and pains, we are now manifesting our fears.  It's sort of like one of my favorite movies Sphere.  If you've seen it, you know what I mean.  If you haven't, go rent it...it's a good flick.

So let's say it together... "You are only a scary thought.  It's silly and I will never do such a thing.  I give you no power."  Don't be afraid to stand your ground against yourself.  Say it out loud and like you mean it.  Give those scary thoughts the big middle finger! :)

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

It's all in your head

Such a double edge sword that statement is.  It's something you don't want to hear because it seems insensitive, cold, and condescending.  Yet, at the same time, it's a pretty true statement.  If you are in the uphill battle of you're anxiety disorder I'm sure you just rolled your eyes and got defensive about that statement.  If you are lucky to be on the downhill slide, you know what I mean.

Here's where that statement goes wrong.  As someone who is feeling horrible 24/7 with a whole array of symptoms, most of which were probably mentioned during my last blog, the last thing you want someone to do is tell you it's all in your head like you are some crazy person.  If it's one thing us anxiety disorder suffers want/need to hear is an answer to the why.  If you could just tell us that this symptom is because of this, we'd feel so much better for at least 10 minutes.  However, when it's mentioned that you may be causing it yourself, well that puts blame on the us and we automatically get defensive.  I know, I've been there.  We also tend to take things out of context and we assume the worst out of everything so when someone says "It's all in your head" we don't hear it as a solution to the problem we translate it into "you're crazy, I'm not going to help you, stop wasting my time with something stupid."  and then we stop listening to what the person is saying because now we are mad and don't want to hear anything further.

Unfortunately, regardless if you are ready to admit to it or not, this statement is true.  Anxiety is all in our heads.  As I mentioned in one of my last blogs, our brains are far more capable of doing things than we give it credit.  We set ourselves up by over thinking, over analyzing, dwelling, and ultimately freaking ourselves out.  Our Flight or Fight system is broken.  We rarely fight and are always ready to run away.  We allow things to overwhelm us by giving in to the symptoms and signals and giving it free reign in our heads to take over for a certain amount of time.  We've all put a "Vacancy" sign on our foreheads and the rent in our heads is pretty damn cheap.

Are the symptoms we are feeling all in our heads?  Absolutely not.  Don't misunderstand my previous paragraph or anyone else who tells you it's all in your head.  You are not imagining your aches, pains, worries and fears.  However, whether you believe it or not, YOU HAVE CONTROL.  You've all read that quote "Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it." -Charles R. Swindoll  That is a very true statement.  You all have the ability to take those outside and inside triggers and tell it to get the eff out of your heads.  It sounds like the most difficult thing in the world, trust me I know this.  Seven years later I still have times, days, sometimes weeks where I let the world and my brain get the better of me.  But, practice makes perfect and if you keep at it and stand your ground, stand up for yourself, you can and will get through it.  If you haven't looked into it before, now would be a good time to look into some positive affirmation CDs.  They truly do help.  Louise Hay is good and there's a husband/wife team that I had CDs of that I can't remember.  I recently parted ways with some of those CDs to help a friend.  They may sound corny at first but if you go in with an open mind, and you do them as directed, they can help you a lot.

I hope this post hasn't upset or offended anyone as I hope none of my posts do.  I have to be true to myself and as I promised myself I would open up and let the world into my hiding space and therefore show the true me.  This post was intended to make you realize that you can do this and you are worth it.  It makes me sad when I hear and see people in this spiral and I just want to give each and every one of you a hug.  But, at times, I have to admit that I would love to shake you to make you realize what you are doing and how much you can help yourself.  I know everyone has to do it on their own time as I did.  And, I'm sure there were people in my life who wanted to shake me too.  Now, let's all join hands and sing Kumbaya...or not.

I will leave you with some of my favorite positive affirmations:

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

Symptoms

As I mentioned previously, I spent most of my life battling an anxiety disorder.  However, it wasn't until about seven years ago did I know what it was that I had.  Unfortunately, I found out when I hit rock bottom, on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  Up until then, I always thought my feelings were the same as everyone else's and that I was just simply stressed.  Little did I know that it was much much more.  I guess that's how denial works.

So how bad did I have it?  To me?  Pretty bad.  However, I think the only two people who knew how bad I was was my husband, then boyfriend, and myself.  We may be falling a part on the inside, but us anxiety disorder sufferers can act with the best of them.  We can convince people we are perfectly fine.  We can also manipulate anyone.  Yes, I said it and if you suffer with it, don't try to deny it.  We can make anyone do anything we want them to.  It's not malicious in intent, it's because we are so damn fearful of doing things on our own we develop this "skill" to work things JUST right so that someone else will either 1) do it for us or 2) say we don't need to do it at all or 3) at least go with us so we have a crutch.  We can also make up any lie on the fly to get out of anything in the world and we are pretty damn convincing at it too!  Unless said person trying to tell said lies to someone who has done it themselves.  Yes, I know you're lying but I also know you can't help it so it gets over looked.  It's like trying to convince a recovered alcoholic that you are not an alcoholic.  Been there, done that, nice try.

So, back to symptoms.  My biggest symptom was being agoraphobic. 

ag·o·ra·pho·bi·a [ag-er-uh-foh-bee-uh]

noun Psychiatry .

an abnormal fear of being in crowds, public places, or open areas, sometimes accompanied by anxiety attacks.

Basically I was home bound 90% of the time.  I could manage to get up and go to work every day because I knew I had to and that there was no way around it.  But outside of going to work and back home and the millions of Dr. visits, I couldn't go anywhere by myself.  I couldn't go to the store, pump my own gas, go to parties, etc.  If I had to do any of those things, I would plan it so that someone was with me or that someone would do it for me (as stated above).  Mom would go grocery shopping with me and I always planned my gas trips to when I knew Justin would want to go somewhere and then I would suggest we take my car and get gas on the way.  I was down right TERRIFIED to do these things on my own.  I thought the whole world was staring at me all.the.time.  Like I was so darn special that everyone wanted to look at me, right? ;)  Regardless, that was in my head and what if I did something wrong?  What if I had a question?  I wouldn't talk to anyone and I assumed everyone was making fun of me for being insecure and not knowing things.  I'd rather just stay home.  

With all this added stress to my system (self inflicting as all anxiety is), I had a whole slew of physical symptoms.  I was in pain from something all.the.damn.time.  Headaches, migraines, vision issues, chest pains, muscle pains, jaw pain (TMJ), ears ringing, heart palpitations, twitching, talking funny, stiff neck, back issues, bowel issues (IBS), acne, walking issues, tingling hands, insomnia, stomach pains, nausea, nerve issues, feeling of unreality, panic attacks, hives, an extreme fear of death, I legitimately thought I was going crazy, leg pain, and because I was compromising my immune system with all of this added stress I was always sick (stomach illnesses, colds, flu, allergies, etc.) and I was extremely angry, depressed, and jealous at all times.  At the time I thought I was angry at everyone else.  In reality, I was angry at myself.  I'll get into that at another time because it needs an entire post. 

Who would have thought that all of that would be caused from anxiety?  I sure as hell didn't.  Our brains are far  more powerful than we give ourselves credit for.  If we get an idea in our head we can manifest it no problem.  I don't know how many symptoms I simply talked myself into.  I would obsess over a minor ache so much that it became a big deal.  I eventually figured this one out with the help of the CBT program I did (because they told me so) but personally saw it when I noticed that if I got into a movie or playing on the computer my symptoms would magically disappear.  Once I thought in my head "hey that pain is gone" it magically appeared again.  Just call me Criss Angel with out the weird moves and black clothing.

My second biggest issue was being a Hypochondriac. 

hy·po·chon·dri·ac [hahy-puh-kon-dree-ak]

adjective

1. Also, hy·po·chon·dri·a·cal  [hahy-poh-kuhn-drahy-uh-kuhl] Show IPA. Psychiatry .

a. pertaining to or suffering from hypochondria,  an excessive preoccupation with and worry about one's health: The comedy is aimed the hypochondriac demographic.

b. produced by hypochondria: Hypochondriac feelings overwhelmed her.

2. Anatomy, Zoology . of or pertaining to the hypochondrium.

noun

3. Psychiatry . a person suffering from or subject to hypochondria.

4. a person who worries or talks excessively about his or her health.

Not only did I have all of those symptoms listed above, but I convinced myself they weren't just symptoms of anxiety (again I didn't know at the time) but that I was dying from EVERYTHING!  Web MD was my BFF for many many years and I could convince myself that all of these scary diseases were what I had.  On the flip side, I was afraid to go to the ER so I never went because the thought of going would put me into a panic attack.  If things lasted a while, I'd go see my GP and usually for the same things over and over again.  If I had a pain in my head it was a brain tumor, pain in my right abdomen was always appendicitis (I still have my appendix BTW so yeah, that wasn't it).  I've had brain cancer, throat cancer, mouth cancer, stomach cancer, blood clots, aneurysms, strokes, heart attacks, MS, Parkinson's,  and a whole slew of other diseases you probably never heard of.  *NEVER GOOGLE SYMPTOMS* because it tends to give you the most horrendous diseases first and rarely ever says "hey asshole, ever think it's all in your head?  Calm down, and it'll go away"  Of course I wouldn't have believed that then anyway.  

I didn't type all that out to give you a oh woe is me picture of my life.  I own most of my disease.  I know that I ALONE caused my anxiety to get out of control.  I can't blame anyone else although I did at the time.  It's far easier to blame the world than to take credit for it yourself.  What I hope by typing all of that out is that someone out there reads this and get the whole "AH-HA!" I eventually had which started me down the road of recovery.  When I was watching that infomercial for the program I used (I'll get into that later) and I heard people who were exactly describing me...describing a lot of what I listed, I literally busted out into tears.  Holy Shit!  THAT IS ME!  I'm not crazy and I'M NOT ALONE!  I'm telling you right now if you have had any of those symptoms or any of those feelings you are most definitely not alone!  Millions of people have suffered the same as you, and I assure you that you aren't crazy.

So now that I got all of that out, like I said I hid it from most everyone, I can now move my pawn ahead 4 spaces on the candy lane path of a new chapter of recovery.

Much love and light~

Tammy