Round and Round I Go!

Here I am, again, with what seems to be another growth spurt.  I've have them before since completing the program and I will have them again.  There's no cure for anxiety issues.  Much like a alcoholic, it's a one day at a time thing.  The only issue this time is, this one is a huge doozy and seemed to come out of no where.  I haven't felt this bad since before starting the program in the first place and quite frankly it scares me.  I've been keeping 95% of it to myself and trying to put on the brave face for the world to see, act like nothing is wrong, but inside I'm a complete and utter hot mess.  I've spent the last week sick with those lovely digestive/stomach issues.  I spent the past week with overwhelming feelings of dread, anxiety, nervousness, hate, and self doubt.  I spent the past week bawling my eyes out, not eating and not really sleeping.  I feel out of control 90% of the time.  My only form of solace has been the dog who runs over and licks my face when I'm having a bad moment but even that's short lived.  My entire week has been consumed with old scary feelings that I can't seem to control.  I'm taking everything and I do mean everything personally.  You can give me the most genuine compliment and my brain will twist it into something completely negative.  I'm living in constant fear.  I fear I'll be abandoned.  Actually, I fear I already have been by certain people.  I'm having extreme waves of jealousy and anger because of it.  I feel very alone, very invisible, not wanted, not loved, not liked, and not worthy of people's time.  I'm battling with myself because logically I know that this is probably not the case and I'm bringing these symptoms upon myself (as all anxiety people do) but the feelings...the hurt, the pain, the guilt, the sadness and everything else in between are so very real it so hard to convince myself otherwise.  I feel like I try and try and try and do things people suggest and that it's never enough or the right thing.  I feel like no matter what I do, I'm doing it wrong.

Ever think you are doing the right thing for someone and then find out a year later that's not what they wanted or expected of you?  Yeah, it sucks.  And maybe this is where this is all stemming from.  It took me finally opening my mouth after being afraid to do so for months to find out that what I thought I was doing correctly wasn't exactly needed/wanted.  Now I'm feverishly trying to doggy paddle my way back into the main stream but the waves against me (whether self produced or not) are so hard to work against and I'm not that great of a swimmer.  I feel I'll never get to that place in my mind that I thought I was this whole time.  I feel like while I'm trying to get back into the calm area of the pool, pedestals have been raised and not enough to include me.  I don't even deserve a dingy.  I'm having a hard time swallowing my pride and not having my feelings hurt and getting back on that wagon and trying again until something works.  I'm a quitter, I always have been.  I run away from my problems instead of facing them head on.  OR I project my problems on other people to shift the blame from me to them.  Why not?  It's easier that way.  By the time I do get enough courage to face them, it's usually too late or a much harder battle than what would have been if I just opened my mouth in the first place.  The last thing I want is for people to think I was unsupportive, uncaring, unloving and unwilling to help.  That's the furthest from the truth.  In reality, I thought I was being supportive, caring, loving and I have always been willing to help but was waiting to be asked.  I'm always afraid of stepping on people's toes so I remove myself.  I figure if you want something, you'll ask and I would be 110% glad to do it for you if it's in my power.  But I can't do what I don't know and you can't assume someone should know what to do.  I spent so many years of my life being disappointed and angry with people because they SHOULD have known what to do, what to say, etc.  How could they if I never told them what I expected, what I wanted, what I like.   Now I see the other side of it.  There's no way I could have known and with out any direction and no complaints I figured I was doing the right thing.  So now add extreme guilt to the mix and while you're at it add in the fact that I replay the past over and over so instead of taking it as a lesson and moving on, I'm just stuck in the past beating myself up repeatedly over and over again.  Why?  I guess because I feel like I deserve it.  Would I expect someone else to do that if the roles were reversed?  No.  What should have been a conversation, a realization, a plan of action and closure with intent to learn from it and move on has become a downward spiral of self hate, guilt, rage, jealousy, depression and anything else you can throw in there.  A big old shit sandwich that I'm repeatedly eating...yum yum!

12+ years ago, when I was at my worst, I was what you would call an agoraphobic.  I had all of the feelings above plus a million others.  Social situations were crippling.  The only two places I could leave the house to go to was my job (because I had to go) and my parents house because it was my safe place.  I couldn't go anywhere else by myself, the thought of it would send me into a panic attack.  If I had to go somewhere I made myself sick far before going and then I could cancel because I was sick.  If I had someone with me, it wasn't so bad, but it wasn't too good either.  This was my life for years.  Life was passing me by and with every moment that passed by while I was stuck in the house my jealousy, anger, depression, fear, anxiety and self loathing just continued to grow.  I hated people because they got to go out and do things.  I was jealous of them because they were happy and were spending time with people I wanted to spend time with but emotionally couldn't handle.  I felt that no one cared and no one wanted me to be with them anyway which just made the feelings worse.  I was avoided, which I can't really blame a person for that, I wouldn't want to be around me either.  It took me a very VERY long time to realize that it wasn't that people didn't care or didn't want to include me but with my current state of mind, it was exhausting to keep trying and failing to get me to participate so then why bother?  There's only so many times you can get turned down before you stop asking.  I feel like this with a lot of things too.  This is what I believe is happening now minus the agoraphobia and it's just hard as hell to break the habit.  I'm lonely and missing people but still waiting at home instead of being proactive and seeing them...you know the stepping on toes thing.  I'm finding it hard to tell my brain that my fears are not reality because I'm not getting definite confirmation from anyone that this is the case so there's always a sense of doubt throw in there wiggling its ass at me.  I realize with some people tough love was the only way to get my attention but sometimes I would just love a hug, an I love you, and it'll be okay and then you can tell me to suck it up and go back to tough love.  Sometimes I just need reassurance.

I want to get past this.  I hate feeling this way.  I can't believe I spent so many years stuck in this hell and just continued to go through life feeling this way.  YEARS!  It's been a week and I'm beyond ready for this shit to leave.

I'm writing this because talking it out helps me sort things out and put things in perspective.  I'm sharing it because if I'm feeling this way, there are others out there who have felt the same way.  I can't tell you how many times I hesitated to share things because they are personal although I try and keep names and the like out of it...but then have had people read it and tell me how much it helped them because they could relate.  So this is why I continue to share, even if it's once every few months.
Much love and light to everyone.

~Tammy