Back to school anxiety

As I see so many people post their kids' back to school pictures with all of their happy, smiling faces, it brings me back to my school days.  I'm sure, when I was little, I also had a happy smiling face.  BUT, I don't remember that.  I was just too young.  What I do remember is the flood of anxiety that hit me weeks prior that just got worse as that dreaded first day got closer and closer.  I'd get random waves of fear that would hit me at the top of the head and shoot down to my stomach.  The closer the day got, the more it happened.  I was already playing scenarios in my head of what will happen.  Much like how my later years were and even a lot of times now, my head was consumed with scary thoughts of the unknown.  My brain doesn't do unknown because it will fill it with the most horrible things (that generally never happen).

I tend to think I was an overly sensitive (and still am) child.  As I've stated in my previous post (maybe the one before last) You can compliment me and my brain will turn that around in my head to something negative.  As a very young child, I grew a rather large mole on my face and curiosity from other kids made me self conscious about it.  Their curiosity was normal, I turned that into being picked on in my head.  Years later, that curiosity actually turned into being picked on... a lot.  Add that in with all my other anxieties and school was the pits.  Yes, I had my friends, but the act of me getting up to go was excruciating.  The nightmares the night before, the stomach aches, the dry heaving then the worrying about throwing up in front of people at school cycled back into myself and I'm pretty sure I was having mini panic attacks on the regular but I kept a lot of that internalized.  Once I was there, I was okay, from what I remember but I clung to teachers and the like because I thought if I did that they'd protect me from the teasing which did nothing but segregate me more and make it harder for me to fit in.  Like I said, I did have a core group of friends but we were rarely in the same class and I would just hope we'd have recess together.   I never did all the things I had an interest in because of the fear surrounding it.  I wanted to play soccer, I wouldn't try out.  Chorus sounded like fun, wouldn't try out.  The only thing I did was band and that was because my best friend at the time did it as well so I figured we'd at least get to see each other at some point.  These anxieties got worse as I got older and the teasing got worse because kids are mean.   The mole teasing was still there but as I got into middles school, I was then teased for not having a boyfriend which eventually turned into being teased for not having sex.  Yes, you read that right...middle school.  There was a group of catty bitches who just loved to see me walk by and start their antics.  Now that I look back at it years later, I know they were just highly insecure with themselves so they picked on the ones who wouldn't say anything back to them and that just happened to be me.  I remember my mom telling me, at one point, to just agree with what they say then they wouldn't have anything to go on.  So, I did.  I remember vividly being at a school dance and the teasing started...they were saying I was so ugly I had to have sex with frozen hot dogs (yes still in middle school) to which I told them that no, I didn't like how cold they were and preferred them to be hot instead.  It actually worked.  They had nothing to say to that.

School anxiety followed me all the way up through college.  My high school anxieties were fear of being alone and/or embarrassing myself and lunch was a HUGE panic issue for me.  I had a hard enough time eating in front of people I knew (also anxiety related) let alone strangers.  If I didn't see anyone I knew well, I'd hide in the bathroom until the bell rang.  Ugh, even thinking about it now knots my stomach.  You know, to this day...at 37...I STILL have school nightmares.  Not remembering my locker combinations, forgetting where my classes are, and being stuck at lunch with no one.  Horrible!

As I look back, it's amazing to me how much I purposely put memories aside and chose to forget them.  I see why, but as I was thinking about this over the past few days with all the kids going back to school, I had memories fly back that I completely forgot about.  I do this a lot with a lot of my anxiety issues.  I asked my husband last night if I was really that bad.  He confirmed that with a big fat "worse".  I asked him how so and he told me because my anxieties never left...ever.  I was anxious from the time I got up to the time I went to bed (which I didn't sleep).  There was no wavering with moods with me, they were always foul.  Of course, back then, I had absolutely no idea there was anything wrong.  I genuinely assumed this was life and everyone felt like this.  All of these anxiety blogs and memories and conclusions are ones I made in the present time because I couldn't recognize an issue.  Looking back, after getting out of most of my anxiety issues, is when it started to dawn on me that things weren't right from quite some time.  To be honest, I don't ever remember a time where I didn't have some sort of anxiety issues.  It's sad, really...but in a way not.  I'm a firm believer everything happens for a reason and my past struggles made me who I am right now.  I still have a LOT of growing to do and my chat with my husband last night really made me feel good about how far I've actually come.  Even despite my little boo-hoo moment yesterday.  I don't like to re-hash things because it's the past and especially for him because I put him through the wringer on a daily basis, but I can also learn from how I was and it helps to have someone else point out things even if they hurt.  I'm so thankful the universe aligned and had me and him log in to the same BBS at the same time which got us talking because I really think that if he wasn't in my life, I would be no better than I was 10+ years ago.  Do I have my moments?  Sure...and they scare the both of us.  BUT, I also think that fear is what drives me (which sounds super odd coming from someone with an anxiety disorder who just said fear was bad)...but I don't ever want to go back there.  He certainly doesn't want to do that shit all over again...so it gives me a push in the right direction.

As usually, I started on one subject and kind of morphed into another but I just felt like I needed to get that off my chest and out there.

Much love and light~

~Tammy

Tired of being on ignore

What's the worst feeling in the world?  Being ignored...feeling like you are totally and utterly invisible.  It keeps creeping back in and I keep re-evaluating myself wondering what I am doing wrong and what other steps I can possibly take to remedy this.  I understand that people have lives and I don't expect everyone to get back to me right away or every time but when certain people do it all the time...ALL THE DAMN TIME...it hurts.  It hurts a lot!  You start questioning your self worth.  What makes everyone else so special and me not?  There's only so much jumping up and down waving my arms I can do to make you notice that I still exist!  I've been told I need to put myself out there.  That's awesome, and I'm trying that.  However, you have to meet me half way, I can't do it all.  I don't ask for much.  You have no idea how utterly happy it would make me if you just got back to me or liked something I directly posted to you or hell even tell me to go fuck myself at least I know you didn't just read it an ignore it like everything else.  I know you have no idea how much you are hurting me but you are.  And, as always, I'll think about it too much and turn it around and find it all to be my fault.  It never anyone else's fault...just how my mind works.  It's so damn frustrating.  I just want to be liked and thought of.  Seriously...that's it.  Is that seriously asking too much?

Dallas...where's Alice?

WARNING:  This blog will follow my thought patterns which means it’ll be all over the damn place and endlessly long.  Read at your own risk ;)

About a month ago, I got a random text from my staff partner from Relay for Life asking me if I wanted to go to Dallas for the annual Relay for Life conference.  Giving my generic "but" answer I tend to give when the thought of something sounds good but makes me anxious “that’s so tempting but funds would not allow that” to which I was met with “ACS pays for everything.”  Well damn, that didn’t work!  So I pondered it for a few minutes and immediately text my friend who lives in Texas “How far are you from Dallas?”  “Like 5-10 min.   Mesquite is a suburb of big D.”  Hmmmmmm, I thought a little harder.  I wanted to go, initially, but I figured if the conference sucked I’d at least get to meet up with a friend and it would make the trip a little worth it.  So, I thought for a few more minutes, tried to get some work done, but I couldn’t get it out of my head.  I knew I had to act fast as there was only one spot left open for volunteers and I didn’t want me dragging my feet be the reason why I didn’t go.   I made my final and most important decision text to my husband.  Told him I had the opportunity to go but the only problem was it was only a few days after me getting back from Jersey so he’d have to take the dog the whole time and that I wouldn’t know anyone there and what his honest thoughts on me going was.  He promptly told me to go for it…to go meet new people and have fun.  He always pushes me to better myself and ensures me I can do things that I convince myself I can’t… so that’s when I gave my staff partner the final “let’s go for it” text.

I waited on pins and needles for the next couple of days because I wouldn’t know if I for sure was going until those asked before me declined (I’m assuming) and then I should get an invite email.  I tried to not think about it.  I was going with the theory of if I was meant to go, then I’d go.  If I wasn’t meant to go, then I wouldn’t get the invite. 

I got the invite.

Queue the panic!  I got the email on the date of the deadline and of course the thousands steps I needed to do in order to confirm my interest, hotel and flights was halted because the website wasn’t working which made me beyond anxious.  Several emails and texts back and forth with 4 different people for what seems like forever and I finally got through and was able to choose my classes, my room, and eventually my flights.  I could puke at the thought.

For anyone who knows me personally or who has read through my babblings on this page, you probably know the circle of events that back stroked their way through my brain.  To those of you who are new to this blog, you’re probably thinking what’s the big deal?  Well, to someone with an anxiety disorder this is a huge deal.  Little things are huge deals.  Sometimes walking out the front door is a huge deal.  As someone who was agoraphobic for years, that last one is a huge accomplishment for me let alone traveling a thousand miles by myself to stay a weekend in a place I don’t know, with people I have never met and having a roommate I only know the name of.  Huge deals here!

So, anyway, I went through a whole mess of emotions.  I was just coming off some other strong emotions as mentioned in my previous blog so this just heightened things for me.  Bad timing, I guess.  I would yo-yo from being really excited to being really nervous.  I even thought about how I could cancel without making myself look like an ass but that was short lived.  I knew I HAD to go.  Not because it was already booked and paid for, but because I knew this was something I had to do.  The wait is the worst.  Anticipatory anxiety, for me, is worse than panic attacks sometimes.  The whole unknown, the constant flip flop stomach, the random waves of fear that go from your head to your toes were all very prominent.  I tried to keep myself busy and not think of it at all, actually.  I tried some new oils out to help me which seemed to work for the most part but there was always that white elephant in the room…that huge white elephant with a lone star on its side just mocking me, reminding me what was coming and whispering all of these awful things that were going to happen.  Elephant: “psst…you know they won’t have your boarding passes right?  It’ll be like you never even got your plane tickets at all.”  “Psst…I bet the plane will crash, wouldn’t that be fun?”  “Psst…you might as well just get used to being alone; no one is going to want to be friends with you.  Pick your place to hide now and only come out when you need to.”  That elephant needed to STFU is what that elephant needed to do but unfortunately he didn’t shut it before my mind was half convinced of these things.

FF>> to the night before the trip.  I was packing…feeling okay and took a call from a friend asking me how I was doing.  He knew I was nervous.  He asked about my flights so I told him.  “Ummm I hate to tell you this, but you know that’s a prop plane, right?”  NOOOOOOOOO!  OMG I’M GOING TO DIE!  WHAT IS THIS WWI?  WHO HAS PROP PLANES? Surprisingly I slept pretty well that night. 

I had some nerves at the airport but not too bad, until I walked down the stairs to the tarmac and saw the dreaded propellers!  OH EM GEE!  You have GOT to be kidding me!  It’s a flying coffin.  Got settled and was okay until I saw the props starting to turn…then the shimmy…wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle…not a happy girl!  Take off was weird feeling, I thought I was going to have to get out and push.  “Ladies and gentlemen we will be traveling at 5000 feet…”  I had to laugh at that…5k… and let me tell you it’s much bumpier at 5000 than 34000.  Landing is something we don’t discuss.  I think my stomach is still back on the plane BUT I survived and thankfully my next flight was a regular ole normal jet with nothing to report. 

Landing in Dallas…before we even got out of the airport I could feel the heat.  OMG the heat!  I’ve never in my life felt anything like it.  Go bake some cookies… stand in front of the over once it’s at temp and put your face in the hot air.  Yeah, THAT’S Dallas!

Anyway, I hid from other relay people on my trip down but I figured I had to put on my big girl undies and start mingling now that I was where I was supposed to be and it was unavoidable.  I found a few “purple people” at the airport and flagged them down to find the shuttle to the airport.  Small talk started, wasn’t too bad and it was short lived.  Once we got to the hotel, those who I was awkwardly friendly with went their own way and I was on my own again.  Queue the elephant tapping on my shoulder telling me “I told you so.” So I decided to hurry up to my room (my roommate hadn’t checked in yet) to drop off my crap and pull myself together.  I stayed maybe 10 minutes…long enough to pee, unload my bag and put on some Valor for extra strength and I took a deep breath and decided now was as good a time as any to go down and register…before I lost my nerve anyway.  And, that’s what I did…I put caution to the wind and went down with a smile and tried to hide my anxieties and find kind faces to maybe gravitate towards.  I registered and headed to the relay store and by the time I finished there it was just about time for dinner.  Well, I’m hungry so let’s give this a try (one of my biggest anxiety quirks is eating in front of people.  Usually I’d starve before doing it).  I found our section and it was pretty empty so I found a table next to the buffet and got something to eat…by myself.  Well, the elephant was there.  ;)  Maybe 10 minutes later and a very nice woman asked to sit with me and about two minutes later another 4 joined and the one joined shortly after that.  It was nice we were sectioned off by division so even though we all weren’t from the same state, we were close and it gave us something in common other than relay.  I actually sat and chatted with these friendly people before going to our first meeting, also by division so we were all going to the same place which was nice. 

And that’s how my weekend started…once I put myself out there and let my guard down most of my anxieties went away.  Everyone and I do mean EVERYONE was very nice.  I think it was the fact we were all there for a common goal.  My general sessions were grouped with those I was familiarizing myself with from New England so it was nice to see familiar faces several times a day…faces I felt like I belonged to.  My breakout sessions had some people from my division but mostly not.  However, you’d be proud to know that I did not just sit there like a bump on a log, but I actually actively participated in all aspects in all of my classes.  “This is highly irregular, Dave.” But I really feel like I got a lot out of the classes.  I even…wait for it…got up and danced for hours during our second dinner/reception/party/doodad…whatever you want to call it.  I know, I almost fainted at the thought too.  By the time Friday night ended, I was feeling pretty good about myself and so proud of myself for tackling this like an adult.  By the next morning I didn’t even have to put any oils to go down to go to breakfast.  I knew I’d find my familiars who would welcome me to the table with no questions asked and I did.  I even found a buddy who I clicked with so well we had to friend each other on facebook before we left.  I mean, you can’t just lose contact with the person you accidentally crashed the top fundraisers photo op/awards/gifts gathering with.  ;)  My reward for passing this weekend with flying colors was a lunch out with my Texas girls and wine tasting before heading home.

So, what did I learn?  A lot!  I learned that even though I’m 10+ years past “recovering” from anxiety, it will always be there and I will always have to work at it, but that’s okay.  I learned that I can do anything I set my mind to.  I learned that my perceptions of people and situations are usually incorrect when my mind is infected with anxiety.  I learned that you “have” to dance to Madonna.  I learned that sniffing Crayola crayons can drop your blood pressure 10 points.  I learned that I can’t Dougie even if you teach me.  I learned that if I just drop my guard even just a little, great an amazing things can and will happen.  I learned that cinnamon is good for you so eat the ice cream.  I learned that no one on this green earth should be in Texas in August…ever…ever ever ever! 

So, I know some of you are wondering, again, why I share these things.  First and foremost I do it because it helps me tremendously.  If you don’t journal in some way, you should.  It allows me to go back and see the things I’ve over come or how I used to feel and how I’ve grown or even just to remind myself that yes I’ve felt this way before and survived.  The second reason why I share these publicly is because it always, in some way, helps someone else out.  Anxiety issues are more popular than you think!  We are just really good at hiding it.

Much love and light~

Tammy

Round and Round I Go!

Here I am, again, with what seems to be another growth spurt.  I've have them before since completing the program and I will have them again.  There's no cure for anxiety issues.  Much like a alcoholic, it's a one day at a time thing.  The only issue this time is, this one is a huge doozy and seemed to come out of no where.  I haven't felt this bad since before starting the program in the first place and quite frankly it scares me.  I've been keeping 95% of it to myself and trying to put on the brave face for the world to see, act like nothing is wrong, but inside I'm a complete and utter hot mess.  I've spent the last week sick with those lovely digestive/stomach issues.  I spent the past week with overwhelming feelings of dread, anxiety, nervousness, hate, and self doubt.  I spent the past week bawling my eyes out, not eating and not really sleeping.  I feel out of control 90% of the time.  My only form of solace has been the dog who runs over and licks my face when I'm having a bad moment but even that's short lived.  My entire week has been consumed with old scary feelings that I can't seem to control.  I'm taking everything and I do mean everything personally.  You can give me the most genuine compliment and my brain will twist it into something completely negative.  I'm living in constant fear.  I fear I'll be abandoned.  Actually, I fear I already have been by certain people.  I'm having extreme waves of jealousy and anger because of it.  I feel very alone, very invisible, not wanted, not loved, not liked, and not worthy of people's time.  I'm battling with myself because logically I know that this is probably not the case and I'm bringing these symptoms upon myself (as all anxiety people do) but the feelings...the hurt, the pain, the guilt, the sadness and everything else in between are so very real it so hard to convince myself otherwise.  I feel like I try and try and try and do things people suggest and that it's never enough or the right thing.  I feel like no matter what I do, I'm doing it wrong.

Ever think you are doing the right thing for someone and then find out a year later that's not what they wanted or expected of you?  Yeah, it sucks.  And maybe this is where this is all stemming from.  It took me finally opening my mouth after being afraid to do so for months to find out that what I thought I was doing correctly wasn't exactly needed/wanted.  Now I'm feverishly trying to doggy paddle my way back into the main stream but the waves against me (whether self produced or not) are so hard to work against and I'm not that great of a swimmer.  I feel I'll never get to that place in my mind that I thought I was this whole time.  I feel like while I'm trying to get back into the calm area of the pool, pedestals have been raised and not enough to include me.  I don't even deserve a dingy.  I'm having a hard time swallowing my pride and not having my feelings hurt and getting back on that wagon and trying again until something works.  I'm a quitter, I always have been.  I run away from my problems instead of facing them head on.  OR I project my problems on other people to shift the blame from me to them.  Why not?  It's easier that way.  By the time I do get enough courage to face them, it's usually too late or a much harder battle than what would have been if I just opened my mouth in the first place.  The last thing I want is for people to think I was unsupportive, uncaring, unloving and unwilling to help.  That's the furthest from the truth.  In reality, I thought I was being supportive, caring, loving and I have always been willing to help but was waiting to be asked.  I'm always afraid of stepping on people's toes so I remove myself.  I figure if you want something, you'll ask and I would be 110% glad to do it for you if it's in my power.  But I can't do what I don't know and you can't assume someone should know what to do.  I spent so many years of my life being disappointed and angry with people because they SHOULD have known what to do, what to say, etc.  How could they if I never told them what I expected, what I wanted, what I like.   Now I see the other side of it.  There's no way I could have known and with out any direction and no complaints I figured I was doing the right thing.  So now add extreme guilt to the mix and while you're at it add in the fact that I replay the past over and over so instead of taking it as a lesson and moving on, I'm just stuck in the past beating myself up repeatedly over and over again.  Why?  I guess because I feel like I deserve it.  Would I expect someone else to do that if the roles were reversed?  No.  What should have been a conversation, a realization, a plan of action and closure with intent to learn from it and move on has become a downward spiral of self hate, guilt, rage, jealousy, depression and anything else you can throw in there.  A big old shit sandwich that I'm repeatedly eating...yum yum!

12+ years ago, when I was at my worst, I was what you would call an agoraphobic.  I had all of the feelings above plus a million others.  Social situations were crippling.  The only two places I could leave the house to go to was my job (because I had to go) and my parents house because it was my safe place.  I couldn't go anywhere else by myself, the thought of it would send me into a panic attack.  If I had to go somewhere I made myself sick far before going and then I could cancel because I was sick.  If I had someone with me, it wasn't so bad, but it wasn't too good either.  This was my life for years.  Life was passing me by and with every moment that passed by while I was stuck in the house my jealousy, anger, depression, fear, anxiety and self loathing just continued to grow.  I hated people because they got to go out and do things.  I was jealous of them because they were happy and were spending time with people I wanted to spend time with but emotionally couldn't handle.  I felt that no one cared and no one wanted me to be with them anyway which just made the feelings worse.  I was avoided, which I can't really blame a person for that, I wouldn't want to be around me either.  It took me a very VERY long time to realize that it wasn't that people didn't care or didn't want to include me but with my current state of mind, it was exhausting to keep trying and failing to get me to participate so then why bother?  There's only so many times you can get turned down before you stop asking.  I feel like this with a lot of things too.  This is what I believe is happening now minus the agoraphobia and it's just hard as hell to break the habit.  I'm lonely and missing people but still waiting at home instead of being proactive and seeing them...you know the stepping on toes thing.  I'm finding it hard to tell my brain that my fears are not reality because I'm not getting definite confirmation from anyone that this is the case so there's always a sense of doubt throw in there wiggling its ass at me.  I realize with some people tough love was the only way to get my attention but sometimes I would just love a hug, an I love you, and it'll be okay and then you can tell me to suck it up and go back to tough love.  Sometimes I just need reassurance.

I want to get past this.  I hate feeling this way.  I can't believe I spent so many years stuck in this hell and just continued to go through life feeling this way.  YEARS!  It's been a week and I'm beyond ready for this shit to leave.

I'm writing this because talking it out helps me sort things out and put things in perspective.  I'm sharing it because if I'm feeling this way, there are others out there who have felt the same way.  I can't tell you how many times I hesitated to share things because they are personal although I try and keep names and the like out of it...but then have had people read it and tell me how much it helped them because they could relate.  So this is why I continue to share, even if it's once every few months.
Much love and light to everyone.

~Tammy

Fourth Chakra

For those of you not familiar with the chakras, the fourth chakra is also known as you heart chakra because that is where it is located on your body (your chest).  This chakra is primarily associated with the color green but can also be associated with soft pink/rose color.  It has the element of air, the note of A and powers the arms, breasts, hands, heart, wrists, lungs, circulatory system, and shoulders.  When your heart chakra is balanced you feel safe, loved, secure, trusting, belonging, and like your basic needs are being met.  When your chakra is closed or even too open (both can happen) you feel fear, greed, insecure and isolated.  You can also have problems with arthritis, hemorrhoids, constipation, sciatica, knee problems, arthritis, and bone problems.  Why do I bring this up?  Because I had a very emotional meditation session based on the fourth chakra.

Every first Friday of the month, a local PT place has a crystal bowl meditation class.  Last month was my first time and it was a general meditation (meaning not chakra based) focusing on our intentions for the new year.  I have never participated in a crystal bowl meditation before, so the idea was exciting to me.  Besides, even though I meditate frequently and am going to school for it now, it's nice to have an hour to yourself every month to reflect.  Being in a group meditation setting has always been a powerful way for me to meditation because even though we are reflecting and balancing ourselves, you can feel the energy of everyone else in the room reaching the same goal.  If you ever get a chance to attend a group meditation of any kind, I highly recommend it.

Anyway, crystal bowl meditation is like mindful meditation (where you focus on breath) mixed with crystal bowls aka singing bowls.  Because we are made of mostly water, energy and vibrations are very important in our lives, whether we notice them or not.  Jurassic Park showed the world on how vibrations can manipulate water.  Since we are made up of so much water, the sound vibrations of the bowls have the same effect.  If you allow yourself and practice this, it is said to be very healing.  Each tone works on different parts of the body (you can look up singing bowls or even the solfeggio scale both of which I like a lot).  So, because of Valentine's day being next week, our instructor decided to work on the heart chakra.

Sometimes you have days where meditation is super chatty and you can't really concentrate.  The purpose of meditation isn't necessarily to quiet your mind, but to be non judgmental to what comes to you and when distractions do come in, you look at them at face value and quietly push them out of your brain and focus back on your breath.  By doing this, you learn to be open to anything and at the same time you learn to not be immediately reactive (which we are all guilty of).  A lot of answers can come to you this way if you focus on just being instead of forcing possibilities.  Anything forced is usually clouded, jaded and leaves you with doubt.

Sometimes you have meditations that just hit you and bring on strong emotions.  This is what happened to me on Friday.  Because of Dennis' anniversary Wednesday and because of certain stresses happening in my life at the moment, I was very much looking forward to meditation class.  I got stuck in traffic, so I missed 10 minutes of it, but I quickly settled down and found my om.  As she was saying some things about the heart chakra that really resonated with me at the moment, I got that feeling that I was exactly where I needed to be at that moment (I love it when that happens).  And, then she began to play the bowls again.  Whatever sequence she was playing just overwhelmed me with emotion.  I wasn't necessarily sad, but I couldn't help but silently cry my eyes out.  This is the third time this has happened to me during a meditation, BTW, and I believe the first time was also during a fourth chakra meditation.  Shortly there after my heart started palpitating like crazy!  Clearly I was very blocked in this area (it's been a while since I've aligned myself).  At any rate, I felt very peaceful after the meditation was over and I am happy to report that I had, for the first time in a very long time, a really good night's sleep with out any sleep aids.

So, what's my point?  I don't have one.  I just wanted to share my awesome experience from the other night while touching a tad on some meditation information.

Much love and light~

Tammy

Three years later

Three years later, I wish I could come to you with some superior words of wisdom.  I wish I could come to you with some poetic, yet meaningful, post that resonates with all of you and makes you a little wiser.  Unfortunately I can't do any of those things.

I knew today was coming up fast and I had some mixed emotions about it.  I didn't want to sit and sulk like I have done for the past two.  In fact, I saw a post somewhere about doing a random act of kindness on 2/5/14 so I decided that maybe this is what I'll do to honor my brother instead of rehashing everything.  Not that my intent is to rehash it every year but contrary to popular belief, I can't just stop remembering it.  I'll never forget it and those who think I could possibly not think about it or him daily must have never lost anyone close otherwise they wouldn't make such an idiotic comment.

At any rate, my plan was to do RAKs today as my way of honoring Dennis since I wanted to do something "for" him.  Little did I know, that would prove to be impossible to do today.  I woke up this morning to find a text from my boss saying I could stay home because the weather was crappy.  WOOHOO my very first snow day!  I was so excited by it, I did what any kid would do on a snow day...go make some hot chocolate and dance around in glee!  After making Justin's lunch I decided I was going to snuggle with the cat and play online a bit.  That's when I saw the date.  I knew yesterday what today was, but the joyous text I got this morning sort of put it in the back of my mind instead of the front.  So...being stuck in the house...now what?  I didn't feel the same looming feelings of years prior so I went on to have a very relaxing and enjoyable day.  I didn't do a damn thing all day but watch movies, snuggle with the cats and generally laze about.  In other words, I had a really good day on a day that's supposed to be solemn.  I feel relaxed and rejuvenated which is something I rarely feel.  Did I think about him today?  Of course I did, but I think I can honestly say I have gotten to a point in my grief where I've completely come to terms with what happened and I feel at peace with it.  It only took three years, but hey...every one's journey is different and I'm okay with that.

I guess, in a way, I honored my brother by not consuming myself with what this day will always mean to me...to us.  I know he wouldn't want any of us mourning all over again every year and hell maybe he put a bug in my boss' ear to give me the day off to do exactly what I needed to do today.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of him, that I don't see the number 13, that something doesn't remind me of him and that I don't feel him around.  I'll miss him every.single.day for the rest of my life.  And, one day, hopefully many many years down the road, I hope he's there to meet me on the other side...where I will promptly thump his forehead for being an ass and then give him a big hug...because that's what bratty younger sisters do!  <3

Much love and light~

Tammy

I don't understand

I'm really having a hard time understanding how some people go through life, living it the way they live it and have no problems or see no problems with how they are.  I guess that can be said for everyone.  But, I'm not understanding how some people can be so mean, so belittling, so rude and down right nasty.  I also don't understand how when said people are essentially called out on this problem, they turn around and become nastier, ruder, meaner and drop their age by about 50 years and throw a tantrum like a 2 year old.

Okay, I get that no one likes to have the truth pointed out to them especially if they are the asshole in the equation.  But at what point do you let that go and move on?  Why are these people so hellbent on making everyone else miserable and ruining such a good thing in the process?  The same people, who in their tantrum, claim they are about the greater good?  Why can they not see that they were and are still part of the problem?  Why would anyone want to put forth so much effort on being a total dickwad?

All of this constant bickering, backstabbing and the like is doing nothing but leaving me with an even bigger migraine than I had before and making me second guess everything that has gone on.  Should I have just went along with the ride like so many others have before me?  Or quit like so many others did instead?  I pride myself on not having any regrets because everything that has ever happened in my life or will ever happen in my life happens for a reason.  But, I have to be honest and say this is quickly starting to look like my first one.  I know things get worse before they get better and I'm usually the one driving the positive float on the piss parade but this is really starting to get to me.  I feel like I'm back in grade school trying to hide from the bully.  I guess the only thing I can hope for, right now, is seeing a light at the end of that famous tunnel.

I don't even know how to end this.  I've never been flabbergasted so many times in my entire life than I have over the past month.   I just don't even know what to say anymore.

Much love and light~

Tammy

Moving forward

Now that my super anxious bout has subsided...and I no longer think I'm dying...I've been slowly trying to put on my big girl undies and move on with life.  I'm having the worst case of winter blues I have every had in my entire life.  All I want to do is sleep, but then again, my insomnia is back with a vengeance so that's not happening either.  I have lost my desire to do a lot of things.  I haven't run consistently since the end of October.  It's a vicious cycle!  I know that eating poorly (or not really at all) and not exercising is heightening my anxiety/depression issues yet I am letting those issues take over enough so I'm not getting up and putting the effort in to actually get off my ass and eat correctly.   I am hoping February brings better feelings and positive changes regardless of it being tax season.

On a more positive note, I found the school that I felt was best suited for me and my needs to get my teaching certificate for meditation.  I waited a few weeks to be sure.  I kept doing research on it and re-reading the website and just looking around in general so I knew I was making the right decision for me.  Not to mention the fact that Venus was in retrograde, so I didn't want that clouding my judgement in any way, even though I found this school way before that happened.  I researched several schools but this one just spoke to me right off the bat.  I felt a sense of peace reading up on it and getting an idea on what I would be doing to obtain my certificate.   In other words, every fiber of my being was telling me this was the one.  So...last week I bit the bullet and applied.  I found it a tad strange that my application asked what my hobbies were.  Is that normal?  It's been a long time since I applied for school.  I SOOOOO wanted to say something like "I like long walks on the beach..." but figured a university application was not the best place to be my normal sarcastic self.  Good news is I was accepted!!  I received my books a few days ago and plan on taking my time with the program.  I already spoke with my professor and get a really good vibe from him.  And, if that wasn't enough to completely convince me, the first chapter of one of my books completely resonated with me and my life.  It was the final confirmation I guess I needed to say...yes...this is where you are meant to be.  I'm very super excited about this journey and will probably write about it a lot.  And, yes, I know I was "stupid", AGAIN, to start school during tax season but there are two reasons for that.  1) I want to earn this certificate sooner rather than later so I can start my business and 2) I think it may be beneficial to learn different meditation techniques during this time.  I also have to do a minimum of 60 hours (can't log more than an hour a day) of meditation practice in order to be able to take my final exam.  Hopefully I won't be as stressed out because of this.

At any rate, this is where I am today.  Next week may be a different story, but I'll worry about that when I get there.

Love and light~

Tammy

I'm seeing the light

Today was a good day.  It's the first day in a probably a month where I didn't feel that general anxious feeling all day long.  In fact, today is the first day I didn't have to tell myself to stop scaring myself...although the day is not over, yet.  I really think I'm over the nasty hump and am on my way down the anxiety hill.  This side of the hill is much nicer with luscious green grass and the most beautiful flowers you've ever seen.  The sky is blue, the clouds are colorful and the temperature is nice and warm.  It's nice to be here.  Before I know it I'll be on that flat meadow where this is view most days.  I can't wait.

Work was pretty boring (as it is this time of year) since most people are away for the holidays.  BUT, I didn't spend my day consumed with fear.  My boss even let me leave at 2:30pm which was nice.  I had some down time at home before I had to head to the gym.  I had a pretty awesome work out and even though I had a mini panic attack during it (I'm always afraid of passing out and when I exercise hard I feel a bit light headed) I finished my training session and felt pretty damn good after it.  Now I'm sitting here trying to decide what to have for dinner.  Why did I tell you all of that?  Because it's the little things that we take for granted.  Normal people go through this routine on a daily basis.  Anxious people spend 24 hours a day worrying about things that feel very real to them, but may not be.  Anxious people don't take down time at work to fiddle around and do nothing, they spend that time looking symptoms up on the Internet.  Anxious people don't pat themselves on the back for feeling the panic attack, recognizing it and then overcoming it...they beat themselves up over it.  99% of what "normal" people do every day on autopilot anxious people don't feel/do.  So, when we are feeling good and can be mindful about what we are doing, that's a huge thing for us.  That is why I include things like that.  It also reminds me that I did well today :)  I'll never forget the first time I went out and pumped my own gas.  I think I had permasmile for a week.  Remember, for those just tuning in, I was agoraphobic.  I could only leave the house by myself to go to work and to my parents house...oh and the Dr. because I'm a hypochondriac after all.  My parents house was my safe place and I had to work so I had to go there.  Everywhere else I went I had to have someone else with me or I wouldn't go and even with someone with me it was a horrific experience for me internally.

But, anyway, that was many years ago and we know that if we are stuck in the past we are depressed, if we are stuck in the future we are anxious but if you are living in the present, we are at peace.

Much love and light~

Tammy

Gratitude Jars

Firstly, I want to thank all of those who reached out to me about my post yesterday and shared their experiences.  It is certainly nice to know that I am not the only one who has had these feelings and fears.  I sat on the fence for a bit yesterday deciding whether or not I should share yesterday's babbles.  Ultimately I decided that I needed to.  When I first was aware that I had an anxiety disorder, I kept it a secret as much as I could.  I didn't want people to think less of me or think I'm crazy.  When I started to feel a bit better I started to open up more about it.  Low and behold, the more people I told, the more people told me they had similar issues.  Go figure!  I decided then that I was no longer ashamed of my issues and would share them when needed.  Obviously this blog is no different.  Although it would be nice if if were all happy go lucky posts full of positivity, I know that is not reality.  I will fight this disorder my entire life and to think I will never have set backs is unrealistic.

At any rate...Gratitude Jars.  Last year I came across a post on Pinterest about a Gratitude Jar.  It bothers me that every year around this time people claim that the year they are in was down right shitty and they hope next year is better.  Every year.  People (and I'm guilty of this too) focus way too much on the negatives and tend to forget about the positives.  Yes, I understand that bad things happen to everyone every year, but I'm willing to bet it wasn't 365 days of crap.  A gratitude jar is a jar or container that you keep out (Mine says "Life is Good") and starting on January 1st you write all the good things that happen to you on little pieces of paper and keep it in the jar.  I also included trinkets like my shoe tag from my first Warrior Dash or my Maroon 5 ticket.  I make sure I write the date on my notes because I plan on continuing this every year and this way I can keep all of the old notes in one place and not have to separate them into different boxes.  On New Year's Eve, you open your jar and read all of the good things that happened to you that year.  I always try to reflect on all the good things that happen to me through out the year on NYE but I think this is going to be a lot more fun.  My jar is pretty full and I'm very much looking forward to seeing everything I wrote.  I use scrap book paper so it looks pretty in the jar.

I challenge everyone reading this to try it this year.  You have a few more days to go out and find a jar or container of your choice.  I have a large mason jar, but the one I made for my niece for Christmas is a clear glass vase.  Decorate it as you choose.  Like I said, mine says "Life is Good" on it, but the one I made my niece simply says "Gratitude Jar".  The choice is yours.  Keep it in view so you remember to add to it.  It may take some reminding at first but before you know it you'll be looking forward to getting home to add your good memories to it.  I look forward to hearing your experiences!

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

I'm a hypochondriac

It's funny how when you are feeling good your mind is no longer pre-occupied with the things that your anxious mind has front stage.  I was editing some things on my facebook page and was reminded of this awesome blog that I started with such high hopes.  Not only did I want to continue helping myself, but I thought publicly verbalizing my struggles might help those going through similar experiences.

My life, the past few weeks, has been pure hell.  I said when I first started that I was going to be honest, and that is being honest.  My anxiety has gotten to a place where it hasn't been in probably ten years and it hit me out of the blue.  My hypochondriasis is out.of.control.  I'm focusing more of the fear of dying then focusing on enjoying life.  What makes it worse is I know what is going on (for the most part) and yet I still can't seem to get out of this horrible fear cycle I put myself into!  About a year and a half ago I hurt myself.  I was at Target, taking a much needed mental break from Tax Season Hell and decided to get out and zen.  My husband was working and it was late so I figured what the hey.  I remember buying some gardening things that I could use once the weather turned warmer.  Before I knew it my cart was pretty full and I decided it was probably best to get out of the store before I became poorer than I already am.  On my way to my car, I went all the way down the aisle that was opposite my car.  No big deal in my mind, except they have a long grass mall separating the cars where I parked instead of just a painted line.  Me being a lazy ass, I decide I'm going to lift the cart over the curb instead of walking all the way around to the other side.  I don't right off recall if I felt pain then, but I woke up in the middle of the night with mild discomfort in my left side/abdomen.  I also had quite a stomach ache so I really wasn't sure what was going on and attributed the pain to the stomach ache.  Fast forward to several weeks later and the pain is still there.  It's just a dull ache that comes and goes but it's there none-the-less.  My mom makes me hit the walk in clinic (probably because she was tired of me complaining about it) and the Dr. is stumped.  It doesn't hurt when he presses on the area or when I twist and bend and none of my symptoms match anything, really.  His conclusion is that I probably tore/strained a muscle and sent me home with muscle relaxers (which I didn't take).  Slowly but surely the pain subsides, but not completely.  I'll have days or maybe a week w/o it at all then it will come back for a day or two...ache...twitch...then go away again.  I noticed that after doing a significant abdominal work out (especially using the twisting machine at the gym) that it would ache pretty bad for a day or two after.  I also noticed, around this time, that I would go a few days w/o any discomfort but the second I said to myself "hmm I haven't had that pain in a while" the damn thing would come back.  It got to a point where I hadn't had any issues for a good several months.  Almost a year to the date later, it came back.  Now I'm wondering if it's stress related.  Makes sense that I wouldn't have any pain (and when I say pain, it has never gotten beyond a 3-4 tops on a scale of 1-10) and then as soon as I think about it, it comes back.  I also noticed during this whole ordeal that much like me clenching my jar w/o realizing it, I also contract my ab muscles even when I'm sitting "relaxed".  In fact, on more than one occasion, when the ache came back I realized I was engaging my abs and as soon as I relaxed them, the pain left.  ANYWAY,  the pain subsided and went away again and I forgot about it.  Maybe I'd get a twinge here and there if I over did it on the trail or at the gym, but nothing substantial.  November comes around and my anxiety over traveling has set in, plus putting things together for our anniversary dinner and such.  Two days before leaving the pain comes back except this time I'm already anxious and I can't ignore it.  I've already replayed me having severe pains (even though that has never happened) while flying and them having to do an emergency landing or do some sort of CPR on me while on the plane.  How embarrassing!    Of course none of that happened and it went away for the week and promptly came back the night before we left to fly home.  Went away again for a week and now it has been back for a week and here I am now.  Meanwhile, I though my anxiety would disappear once we got back from Vegas since traveling is over.  Unfortunately it has heightened tenfold.  I am feeling a lot of the same feelings I had before I got help.  The pain in my abdomen has killed me 30 different times in 20 different ways in the past week (all in my head of course).  I'm completely obsessive like how I was before I got help when I had appendicitis and heart attacks on a weekly basis (not really, of course).  This afternoon I was completely convinced I had pancreatic cancer for about an hour then dulled it down to pancreatitis.  Why?  Because the pain is on the left hand side.  Never mind the fact that I don't have any other symptom than mild discomfort on that side.  Thought about it all.day.long making me sick and down right miserable.  Obsessing, like usual, I look up where the pancreas is located on my phone when I got home from work.  Yeah, it's on the same side but much lower (down near my navel) and not up where my stomach is.  So that was a whole day wasted.  I went to double check the phone because why believe it the first time and I kept getting an error message.  Okay, I get it, divine intervention.  BUT I managed to get around that a few hours later but triple checking on my computer.

So...I've been wrapped up in being completely miserable with an anxiety level at about 30 over what has shown itself to me as nothing for the past 1.5 years.  Because, really, what makes more sense...the fact that I started this pain a mere six hours after improperly lifting a very heavy object, that acts up when I stress the muscle either with ab exercises or subconsciously tensing my stomach muscles during stressful times and goes away when I relax the muscles or I'm consumed with something so my anxiety is gone OR I'm dying of 20 different deadly diseases that my only symptom matches...which is that I have a dull ache in that area.  I think it's pretty obvious I'm dying ;)  Truth be told, other than this issue, I've been in the best health I have been in probably my whole life thanks to running.

Seriously, though, this growth spurt has really thrown me for a loop.  I've been lazy and eating like crap for the past month and I'm sure that has a A LOT to do with it. I really need to get back to running, back to meditating and lay off all the sweets.  Sugar/caffeine are horrible triggers and exercising is nature's xanax.

My New Year's Resolution for this year (which I'll write about next week) is to have inner and outer harmony.  I can't wait to get back to that peaceful place!

Much love and light,

Tammy

It's been a rough couple of weeks

The second leg of this anxiety journey has proven to be a harder one than I ever imagined.  I feel so frustrated and conflicted in a way I've never felt before.  I think it's because I know how I was but I also know what it's like to be free from anxiety so I'm constantly fighting with myself.  I feel like a dog that keeps chasing his tail.

It's clear that this time around I have far more depression than I did the first time around.  Last time I was so anxious and agoraphobic that I completely isolated myself in my house as well as within my own brain.  I was depressed, sure, as anxiety and depression go hand and hand, but I was far too anxiety ridden to even care about it.  I was plagued with limitations, irrational fears, scary thoughts, panic attacks and anything else you can think of so feeling down didn't really bother me too much.  This time I don't have the limitations I did, before.  I still get panic attacks but they are far and few between and I know exactly what they are and how to handle them.  I still have irrational fears, but I work on those so now it seems like all I feel is depressed, bummed out, moody, and angry.  I'm angry because I feel like I can't just snap out of it.  I realize I have deeper issues with the loss of my brother, with the loss of smokey, but in a way I think I'm mourning myself most of all.  I know this disorder is a life long illness.  Much like an alcoholic or a drug addict, I have a bad habit that is bad for my health.  It sucks me in at times and I have to fight my way to get out of it.  And, much like someone with this kind of addiction, it's so disappointing when a set back jumps up and wiggles in our faces.  I've been focusing so much on the negative and putting blinders on to the big picture.  My biggest fear at this point is that I'm not giving my "all" to the program like I did nine years ago (yeah I thought it was seven, but it's nine).  This has to stop right now.

Yesterday I had a long chat with my wonderful husband.  He described this set back in a way that I could understand.  I'm a very visual person so I usually need to have things spelled out, drawn out, or painted for me in order to understand.  He asked me to imagine my disorder like a wall I painted.  When it dried, I notice a few spots I missed.  I wouldn't go and re-paint the entire wall, I'd re-paint the spots I missed.  That made so much sense to me in terms of the program.  I'm listening to the entire thing (which you have to) but I'm going through parts I already painted and essentially healed.  It's going to be harder to pick out and utilize the parts I missed the first time and need right now.  It doesn't mean that I'm half assing the program, it simply means I'm not needing to re-paint these parts of the wall but it's great to refresh the area to make sure I got it all.  BUT, at the same time, I can't go into it thinking "I don't need to listen to this, I know it already" because I may tune out to that one important part that I need to give me that "ah ha" moment of healing.

I was contemplating starting over again and being more in tuned to the program, but Justin said that I shouldn't based on the above.  I think I will back step a lesson or two and really work on the ones I need at this point.  The angry lesson in particular.  I have to get back to a place where I'm not a reactionary person.  I need to put that filter back up because it doesn't make me feel good to be so angry and bothered, just as it doesn't make the person feel good I'm lashing out on.  I also need to start blogging more.  Getting my feelings out really helps, and I don't know why I stopped it.  I don't even journal in private so I'm bottling things up.  Never a good thing with an anxious mind. 

Bottom line is I just have to get up and do it.  I know how I'm feeling, and I know that I don't like it so I need to stop poo pooing about it and change it.  Will all my days be happy from now on?  Yeah right!  Not even close, but this is what we call life.  If we were happy all the time we wouldn't appreciate it as much.

I'll be away this weekend for a wedding, but I am hoping to start up my weekly Friday blog like I was doing over the winter.  Now that it's getting cooler and darker out sooner and I am no longer painting my house...I think I will have the time to do it.  I have to MAKE the time to do it.

Thanks for listening to me babble.

Much Love and Light
~Tammy

Circle of life

I'm supposed to be on session four this week but I took the time to do session three again this week even though that was half assed as well.  I'm having a dilemma with time management.  I feel like I am always trying to beat the clock between work, the gym, the program, and still doing everything else I need to do in a day.  I thought I solved this issue last week with listening to the program while at the gym.  Maybe this is still the answer and my heart just isn't in the program the past week. 

Last week we went from having three kitties to having two.  I had a very very hard time with this, more than I ever thought I would.  It wasn't putting him down that killed me, it was knowing he was ill and seeing him not himself even though we were assured by three separate vets that he was not in any pain.  I even took most all of last week off of the gym and if it wasn't for the fact that my boss was on vacation and I could boo-hoo at work, I probably would have had a hard time doing that too.  I've never felt so much grief over anything in my life and I felt it most when he was still alive.  I knew he couldn't live forever, but I just didn't expect it to be verbally diagnosed on a Tuesday and be gone by Friday.  Monday he looked great, Tuesday he just seemed off and we were told that all signs point to kidney failure and with his advanced age and advanced symptoms there was nothing for us to do than just keep him comfortable until nature took its course.  I cried non stop at the thought for the rest of the week but still didn't think that by Wednesday I'd be making the call to put him down because he started to refuse food and water and couldn't take more than a few steps with out falling down.  Just looking at his face I knew it was time.  He just looked depressed that he couldn't move anymore.  He tried to jump up when I went to feed him some can food but fell over and was so upset that he refused more than a few licks and wouldn't take anymore despite me trying to feed him over the course of a few hours.  I spent the rest of my time with him constantly checking to see if he was still breathing and trying to find him when he managed to crawl off somewhere to hide (most likely from me making sure he was OK ha ha).

My last night with him was a rough one.  He had manged to make it up stairs and hid himself in the bottom of a cat tower we have.  I made sure he was still breathing and tried to fall asleep.  I managed two hours from about 1am to little after 3am when I woke up to find he had some how made his way up on the bed.  I still don't know how he did this because it was his back legs that weren't working.  He curled up in his usual spot on my legs and fell asleep for an hour or so.  I didn't have the heart to fall back asleep because I knew this was our last time together so I just enjoyed watching him.  He woke up, saw that I was awake and excitedly tried to make it over to me, which he really couldn't so I helped him over and we cuddled until about 7am when I started to get up and ready for work.  Once he saw me up he tried to jump down so I moved him to the floor so he could see what I was up to.  Smudge took one look at him, sniffed his head, and made the most horrible howling while leaving the room.  For a dumb cat, he sure knew what was up.  I left for work early because I knew if I didn't leave then I'd never make it out of the house and for the next 7 hours I watched the clock to his 3pm appointment.  I give my husband uber amounts of credit for bringing him in.  There's no way in hell I could have done it.  At a little after 3pm I got a text saying the vet really wanted to make sure it was kidney failure and he was admitting him for the night.  I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me at this point.  All this hype and it's being prolonged another day.  I was so glad they kept him though so I could at least try and get some sleep.  By noon the next day it was confirmed...stage 4.  So, my wonderful husband went back and was with him when they put him down.  He assured me it was a peaceful experience and that he was no longer suffering.  The both of us felt a sense of relief.  I think we both knew his time was coming up soon because of his weight loss, but you come to more tolerable conclusions.  Fatty hogs the bowl so he doesn't get a lot, he's old, he's got arthritis, etc.  Outside of him losing weight up until 2 Friday's ago where he had what we now think is a seizure, he was his normal self.  Running around and still eating and drinking and typically being Smokey. 

Although the what ifs came for a visit they were short lived.  I know in my heart we gave him the best possible life and care.  The first vet told my husband that with his breed, kidney failure shows up around the 7-8 year mark.  Smokey would have been 15 in October.  I think that, alone, says we did a good job.  We should be getting his ashes Monday and will be burying him in the back with his favorite pink teddy bear that he carried around since he was a kitten.  In the mean time we still have two crack head cats left that keep us thoroughly entertained.  Of course we are now a little paranoid when it comes to them and getting a little anxious when something looks a bit out of place, but I'm sure this is normal and will pass.  They are adjusting, we are adjusting and I'm sure by this time next month we'll be back to normal.  Right now it's still hard.  I still expect to see him when I come home, and napping on the weekend will never be the same since we always did that together.  But, the circle of life will continue to continue.  We both love animals way too much to not have them in our lives and when these two are gone (hopefully 10 years or more from now), other shelter kitties and/or doggies will enter our lives.  I always told Justin if we could ever afford a huge barn like house, I'd adopt all the older dogs and cats from the shelter that everyone ignores and let them enjoy their Sr. years being spoiled with us.  Maybe one day.

Much Love and Light

~Tammy

Lesson 2

As I stated in my last blog I had...well, have...mixed emotions starting the program again.  I, however, didn't bet on having such a hard time with it.  I feel like I did seven years ago with out the limitations I had.  I feel happy, then angry, then lost and anything else you can find in between.  I'm having doubts even though I know the program works.  Regardless of my feelings at the moment, I'm living proof it works.  I had to ask my husband if I was a complete yo-yo when I started last time.  He assured me I was.  And, by yo-yo I mean having emotional highs and lows not being a doofus, although I'm good at that too.

I'm on lesson 3 now, but I wanted to re-cap lesson 2.

I'm sure I spoke about panic attacks before and I'm sure I'll talk about them again.   It's important to know that EVERYONE has had a panic or anxiety attack at some time in their lives whether they have an anxiety disorder or not.  It is also important to know that YOU CAUSE THIS!  The Fight or Flight system that our complicated bodies have is a magnificent thing.  It's great when we truly need it when in a life or death situation or something else of that magnitude.  However, we tend to over use and abuse this power we have.  We lie to ourselves so intensely and consistently that we believe what we are thinking is real and it starts the cycle.  Our bodies are duped into thinking there is an actual crisis and it starts dumping hormones into our important organs causing them to engorge, pump, and react faster than ever before.  Adrenaline starts pouring into our blood stream which boosts our energy level a million times over so that if we do need to flee, we have the resources to do so.  The problem is, we are sitting at our desk thinking about a tiny twinge in our foot that must now be cancer.  Because we've scared ourselves over a complete lie, our bodies are now high strung and on edge.  BUT, we aren't doing anything to burn it off because there is no danger in reality, just in our highly imaginative minds.  This leads us to forget about what caused the panic cycle to begin with and now we are focused on the body symptoms that come along with the Fight or Flight response.  "My heart is beating fast, I'm going to have a heart attack."  "My head is spinning, I'm going to faint."  "My breathing is short, what if it stops?"  Etc., etc., etc.

Panic attacks are no fun and I wouldn't wish them upon my worst enemy.  They scare the life out of us, get us all worked up for what seems like forever but only lasts maybe 20 minutes and then exhausts us into depression.  The good news is no one has ever died of a panic attack, they don't last forever, and you do have the power to control and eventually eliminate them.  Body symptoms are completely normal.  Once you learn to float with the feelings and not be so afraid of them, the panic attacks will start to lessen.  Talk to yourself to remind yourself that "of course my heart is pounding, I scared myself."  "Of course I'm dizzy, I'm having a panic attack and it will pass."  Stop shadow boxing your scary thoughts, you won't win.  Turn away and give them no power.

They key to getting rid of panic attacks is accepting the fact that you have them and you can either make it better or make it worse simply by how you think.  Once you have a external stressor (I think I made that word up) keep it there.  If you start to get body symptoms because you are entering a panic attack recognize that it's just anxiety and accept that it's perfectly normal to feel this way.  Be kind to yourself and tell yourself it's okay to feel this way.  Make sure you remember to breath (circle breathing or 2/4 breathing) is best which is breathing through your nose for 2 seconds, and then out of your mouth for 4 seconds...TRUE seconds, this isn't a race.  Make sure you be as positive and kind to yourself as you can.  If it's still not eliminating your symptoms then get up and do something.  Help burn that energy off.  Clean the house, go for a walk, play with your kids, etc.  Don't forget to laugh at yourself.  Humor, although panic attacks are not a funny thing especially in the beginning, is a great way to counteract anxious/negative feelings.  It's like anxiety's kryptonite.

I promise the more your practice this the better it gets.  Sometimes I couple humor into the beginning of a panic attack.  "Oh, it's YOU again, huh?  Well c'mon show me what you got!  You wanna go?"  It's OKAY to be silly with it.  That probably helps me most often, but it didn't at the beginning so if that doesn't work for you, figure out what does.  YOU ARE IN CONTROL!  And, you can do this!

Much Love and Light

~Tammy

It's days like these

That remind me how far I've actually come on this anxiety journey regardless of me going back through the program.  For this, I'm eternally grateful for having insomnia and seeing the infomercial, for me finally realizing what my problem was (7 years ago), and for my husband (then boyfriend) ordering me said program before I could even finish asking him if I could get it.  As much as I feel like I've gone backwards in some things, today really opened my eyes on how better I am - above and beyond what my desires were so long ago. 

Dad is off having surgery #3 on his spine.  This time, in his neck due to a pinched nerve.  The previous two surgeries were for his back.  Same surgeon, same hospital, so third time around I'm pretty familiar with how things go.  However, both times previously (once before the program, once after) I was with my mom.  Unfortunately her boss is on vacation and there was no way she could be here and open the store at the same time.  So, my awesome husband dropped dad and I off and I went in it alone.  I had a lot of anticipatory anxiety last night going through scenarios in my head (that never happened as they often don't) about me getting lost, not finding the waiting room, etc.  Not to mention the fact that hospitals give me the wicked heebies in general.  As I sit here in the waiting room typing this out, I have to giggle about myself catastrophizing the whole day yesterday because nothing went wrong.  Everything went smooth.  So silly that we do this to ourselves every.damn.time for absolutely no good reason other than our minds feel the need to consume itself with negativity.

Since I knew I was going to have a long wait, I brought my work book in with me to do my homework.  Yes, the program gives you homework.  As I was going through the questions (pretty much just rating how you are feeling now and how this program will help) I was a bit dissatisfied about some of my answers on how I'm feeling in general.  However, when we got to the part of limitations and rating anxiety levels during certain situations, I had to smile.  When I first came across this pages years prior, 98% of what was listed was a limitation for me and anxiety at the highest level.  Now, only two things on the list is something I would consider a limitation and even at that they still aren't things I'd completely avoid.  Not to mention the fact that my anxiety level is mild/moderate not severe like it used to be.  So *happy dance* for me!

This post really has no purpose other to remind myself that I'm not a defective as I think I am and to occupy my mind some while I'm waiting for the surgeon to come back and talk to me after the surgery is over.

Proud chicky today! *insert cheesy grin*

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

Back to Day One

Well, I finally got my replacement workbook and I started day one of the program tonight.  I had a lot of emotions going into this.  I know this program works and I knew when I graduated from it seven years ago that set backs or what they call growth spurts are inevitable, but I still felt some what apprehensive starting all over again.  I guess, in a way, I felt like some sort of failure for having to use these tools again.  In reality, it just goes to show how much I've grown since I hit rock bottom in 2004.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with knowing you need help and seeking it.  Knowing that I was slipping back into my old ways just goes to prove how much this program works.  If it didn't, I would have gone on living my anxiously angry life like nothing was wrong like I did so many years before.  So, instead of being embarrassed for brushing up on my life skills learned, I'm going to be proud of myself for knowing I need them AND putting the effort into these next 16 weeks.

If you think about it, "all over again" is sort of a loaded phrase.  Yes, I've dedicated the next 16 weeks to go through the learning process a second time, but it really isn't an "all over again."  This time around I'm going in with a much healthier mind, I know what to expect, I know it works, and I am excited to grow even further in this life long process.

After re-reading the intro and listening to the first lesson earlier, my fears and inhibitions dwindled and I knew I was in the right place.  I knew this is where I should be in this part of my journey.  In a way it was like getting to talk to old friends again.  It was also a reminder on how far I've actually come since my first time.  The first lesson is about signs/symptoms and I remember having 99% of what they were talking about.  Now, not so much.  Yes, I have my days, but don't we all?  EVERYONE has anxiety in one form or another, it's how you choose to deal with it that separates us.

I forgot that they want you to do a personal journal through out the program, and I am going to do that here.  I think it might be beneficial to not only me by venting off feelings, but to those reading to see that someone else "has that too."  I know that even now, knowing someone else has felt the same thing or experienced the same physical symptoms is very comforting.  It's sort of like a more reliable Dr. Google ;)  Of course I never suggest anyone using that!

So, that's where I am right now.  Buckle up boys and girls this may be a bumpy ride!  BUT, it'll be well worth it!

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

On the Road Again...

Just can't wait to get on the road again...

I know I've been away for a few months.  Things got quite hectic at the end of tax season and then my May and June were jam packed with birthday and volunteer commitments.  Last weekend was my first weekend off from everything and it was nice to have a day or two to do absolutely nothing!

So, what's been up with me?  Well, I joined a gym.  Exercise is awesome for those of us with anxiety issues. I will touch upon that in another blog, but I can tell you one thing.  No matter what kind of a day I'm having (anxious, bad, pissed, etc.) by the time I leave the gym I feel great.  I never joined one before and I didn't know that I would turn into a gym rat so fast, but I love it.

On the anxiety front, I've been better.  I've been worse too so I have that to be thankful for.  I came to the conclusion that trying this or that are not working and that I need to start back up what I know works.  So, I ordered another workbook for the program I was on and I am going to do the 16 week program all over again.  It's time.  I feel a little bummed about it but at the same time I don't.  I know I'm no where near as bad as I was before I first started the program seven years ago but I also know that I'm not where I was when I finished the program either.  Nothing wrong with going through it again, touching  upon some things I still need help with and moving up to a new level of recovering.  I also decided that I can't spread myself as thin as I was and I resigned from one of my jobs.  It was a very hard decision, but it was needed.

So this is where I'm at.  I'm excited to be more public about the journey this time around and I intend on going through all 16 weeks on here so if you were at all interested in the program or what I did to better myself, here's your chance!  I'm not telling you to run off and buy it, but this is what worked for me and so this is what I will use again.  Seven years is a long time to be out of "treatment" so to speak so I think it's going to be a great thing to revisit and remind myself of lessons I've clearly forgotten about.  My blog posts won't just be about the program, though. I do have a long list of topics I wanted to discuss before I went on hiatus.  As always, if there are any topics you'd like me to talk about, feel free to let me know!  Also, if you know of someone who would benefit from this blog, feel free to share it.  I have 9 followers now and I'll always welcome more!

Love and Light~

Tammy

Be your own cheerleader

Seriously.  The person that counts the most in this battle is yourself.  Yes, it is beyond awesome to get praises from those around you, but when push comes to shove, you are the one who is stuck with you no matter what the circumstances are.  So why not be your own cheerleader?  Whip out the pompoms if you have to!

When I was at my worst, I had so many things that I "couldn't" do.  I'm sure a lot of you are feeling the same way or at least have felt that way in the past.  Sometimes we dwell so much on the things we "can't" do (or rather won't) that we overlook overcoming any obstacles.  Regardless of how small the task may be, give yourself a pat on the back for doing it.  What may seem like a small feat for someone is probably a huge deal to you!  Make sure you give yourself recognition for stepping out of your comfort zone and accomplishing something you previously wouldn't have done.  Not only does it deserve your praise, but it makes you feel so good about yourself!  It also helps solidify that you can do things and you can get better.  As I stated last night, dwell in the positive feelings...do a happy dance if you must...whatever it takes for you to congratulate yourself on a job well done.  You'd do it for your friends, family, kids...why not do it for yourself?

Even though I'm far better than I was, there are still some lingering issues that I have.  One of them being a phone phobia.  To put it plainly, I'd rather have root canal work done than call someone.  I find it so stressful and I usually have to work myself up for an hour over a five minute phone call.  I've always been this way, even as a kid.  Teenage girl on the phone all night long?  Only if they called me!  I think this stems from one or two incidents I had when I actually did call someone and I started to talk to them as if they were the person I was calling, and it was someone else.  I was so embarrassed by it that I think of it every time I go to pick up the phone.  OR, just the opposite, when you don't recognize the voice and ask for so and so and their reply is "duh it's me!"  Nothing like feeling like a complete jackass to keep you from making that mistake more than once!  Those things happened to me over 20 years ago and yet they are still fresh in my mind.

Well, leave it to me to have an office job.  Of course one of my main jobs in the office is answering the phones (fine, that doesn't bother me at all) and calling people back, especially during tax season.  I do have to say that over the 14ish years of working there, I've gotten a lot better.  However, I still find it nerve wracking to call people back.  I will usually do a whole bunch of call backs at once and every time I get to the bottom of the list, I do my little happy clap and pat myself on the back for getting through another 30 minutes of non-stop phone calls.  Do I look silly?  Probably, but I don't care.  I'm so proud of myself when I finish that it's worth it.  And, it does make the next round of calls a little easier because I know that in a few short minutes I'll be doing my happy little clap all over again.

Bottom line is, you are working on yourself so you need to praise yourself.  We spend enough time getting down on ourselves for doing x, y, and z it's about time we rooted for ourselves for doing a, b, and c.

Much Love and Light~

Tammy

One day at a time?

No, not the TV show.  Am I dating myself?  At any rate, I'm sure everyone has heard of this phrase before.  I'm also sure that most of you have heard it in reference to alcoholics and/or drug addicts.  But, sometimes one day at a time doesn't quite work.  This is especially true if you are at a low point in your life or are having a hard time at the moment. 

The saying is meant to help people with addiction (us included) to focus on the now and not the past or future.  Remember, if you are living in the past you're depressed, if you are living in the future you're anxious, if you are living in the present you are content.  All forms of addiction have anxiety and depression feelings linked to it, so it's best to focus on the present moments and take things one day at a time.  However, sometimes a whole 24 hours is too much pressure for us to handle all at once.  So, I encourage you to take things one hour at a time instead!  If you are having an issue, a pain, a moron client, whatever...take it for that hour, deal with it, then let it go.  If you are having a good time, are happy, are relaxed...build on that, absorb the positive feelings and enjoy the moment that is making you smile.  Eventually, like writing down your negative thoughts, the bad moments won't seem as bad and won't stick in our minds for long while the good moments will carry us through the day. 

Today I had some ups and downs, as I'm sure everyone did.  I went most of the day w/o stomach pain but it started to come back around noon.  So I told myself that yes, I know the pain is there, but it's not severe, and therefore I am not going to feed into the mind games my brain tends to play when I have a pain.  In other words, I gave it no power and chose to continue on with my day.  The next hour was lunch so that was good (fatty likes to eat).  The rest of the day just crawled along and was even keel.  My last 15 minutes of work turned into a 45 minute wait for a client who said she'd be at my office to drop something off within that 15 minutes.  The more I waited, the more upset it made me.  However, her rudeness is none of my control.  Although it made me mad, I chose to focus on the wonderful pedi present my mom scheduled for me for 5pm and I left those feelings at work.  FF to my spa pedicure when I happily picked out a pretty purple color that made me happy just to look at it and I eagerly hopped in the chair with a book I've been trying to finish for over a year.  Although I do have issues with them sanding my feet, I kept telling myself to just relax with it an enjoy it.  And, I did!  One hour of being pampered was amazing and now my Freddy Krueger toes are cut back and pretty again.  Even hours later I'm still feeling the affects of this amazing time my mom gave to me and I'm relaxed and ready to face tomorrow.  So, even though my day had bad parts, I took it one hour at a time, one issue at a time and it still turned out to be a really good day regardless of the speed bumps that I had to slow down and climb myself over.

There's a saying out there somewhere about not letting a bad moment turn into a bad day or a bad day turning into a bad life.  I'll have to find it, but you get the gist.  One bad moment shouldn't delegate how the rest of your day should go.  If you let it, you will be missing out on so many amazing moments.  Instead of living one bad moment to another, try to live one great moment to another.  So think back about your day today and list the amazing moments you had, even if they seem small.  Allow yourself to be happy.

Much Love and Light~

Tammy