It's funny how when you are feeling good your mind is no longer pre-occupied with the things that your anxious mind has front stage. I was editing some things on my facebook page and was reminded of this awesome blog that I started with such high hopes. Not only did I want to continue helping myself, but I thought publicly verbalizing my struggles might help those going through similar experiences.
My life, the past few weeks, has been pure hell. I said when I first started that I was going to be honest, and that is being honest. My anxiety has gotten to a place where it hasn't been in probably ten years and it hit me out of the blue. My hypochondriasis is out.of.control. I'm focusing more of the fear of dying then focusing on enjoying life. What makes it worse is I know what is going on (for the most part) and yet I still can't seem to get out of this horrible fear cycle I put myself into! About a year and a half ago I hurt myself. I was at Target, taking a much needed mental break from Tax Season Hell and decided to get out and zen. My husband was working and it was late so I figured what the hey. I remember buying some gardening things that I could use once the weather turned warmer. Before I knew it my cart was pretty full and I decided it was probably best to get out of the store before I became poorer than I already am. On my way to my car, I went all the way down the aisle that was opposite my car. No big deal in my mind, except they have a long grass mall separating the cars where I parked instead of just a painted line. Me being a lazy ass, I decide I'm going to lift the cart over the curb instead of walking all the way around to the other side. I don't right off recall if I felt pain then, but I woke up in the middle of the night with mild discomfort in my left side/abdomen. I also had quite a stomach ache so I really wasn't sure what was going on and attributed the pain to the stomach ache. Fast forward to several weeks later and the pain is still there. It's just a dull ache that comes and goes but it's there none-the-less. My mom makes me hit the walk in clinic (probably because she was tired of me complaining about it) and the Dr. is stumped. It doesn't hurt when he presses on the area or when I twist and bend and none of my symptoms match anything, really. His conclusion is that I probably tore/strained a muscle and sent me home with muscle relaxers (which I didn't take). Slowly but surely the pain subsides, but not completely. I'll have days or maybe a week w/o it at all then it will come back for a day or two...ache...twitch...then go away again. I noticed that after doing a significant abdominal work out (especially using the twisting machine at the gym) that it would ache pretty bad for a day or two after. I also noticed, around this time, that I would go a few days w/o any discomfort but the second I said to myself "hmm I haven't had that pain in a while" the damn thing would come back. It got to a point where I hadn't had any issues for a good several months. Almost a year to the date later, it came back. Now I'm wondering if it's stress related. Makes sense that I wouldn't have any pain (and when I say pain, it has never gotten beyond a 3-4 tops on a scale of 1-10) and then as soon as I think about it, it comes back. I also noticed during this whole ordeal that much like me clenching my jar w/o realizing it, I also contract my ab muscles even when I'm sitting "relaxed". In fact, on more than one occasion, when the ache came back I realized I was engaging my abs and as soon as I relaxed them, the pain left. ANYWAY, the pain subsided and went away again and I forgot about it. Maybe I'd get a twinge here and there if I over did it on the trail or at the gym, but nothing substantial. November comes around and my anxiety over traveling has set in, plus putting things together for our anniversary dinner and such. Two days before leaving the pain comes back except this time I'm already anxious and I can't ignore it. I've already replayed me having severe pains (even though that has never happened) while flying and them having to do an emergency landing or do some sort of CPR on me while on the plane. How embarrassing! Of course none of that happened and it went away for the week and promptly came back the night before we left to fly home. Went away again for a week and now it has been back for a week and here I am now. Meanwhile, I though my anxiety would disappear once we got back from Vegas since traveling is over. Unfortunately it has heightened tenfold. I am feeling a lot of the same feelings I had before I got help. The pain in my abdomen has killed me 30 different times in 20 different ways in the past week (all in my head of course). I'm completely obsessive like how I was before I got help when I had appendicitis and heart attacks on a weekly basis (not really, of course). This afternoon I was completely convinced I had pancreatic cancer for about an hour then dulled it down to pancreatitis. Why? Because the pain is on the left hand side. Never mind the fact that I don't have any other symptom than mild discomfort on that side. Thought about it all.day.long making me sick and down right miserable. Obsessing, like usual, I look up where the pancreas is located on my phone when I got home from work. Yeah, it's on the same side but much lower (down near my navel) and not up where my stomach is. So that was a whole day wasted. I went to double check the phone because why believe it the first time and I kept getting an error message. Okay, I get it, divine intervention. BUT I managed to get around that a few hours later but triple checking on my computer.
So...I've been wrapped up in being completely miserable with an anxiety level at about 30 over what has shown itself to me as nothing for the past 1.5 years. Because, really, what makes more sense...the fact that I started this pain a mere six hours after improperly lifting a very heavy object, that acts up when I stress the muscle either with ab exercises or subconsciously tensing my stomach muscles during stressful times and goes away when I relax the muscles or I'm consumed with something so my anxiety is gone OR I'm dying of 20 different deadly diseases that my only symptom matches...which is that I have a dull ache in that area. I think it's pretty obvious I'm dying ;) Truth be told, other than this issue, I've been in the best health I have been in probably my whole life thanks to running.
Seriously, though, this growth spurt has really thrown me for a loop. I've been lazy and eating like crap for the past month and I'm sure that has a A LOT to do with it. I really need to get back to running, back to meditating and lay off all the sweets. Sugar/caffeine are horrible triggers and exercising is nature's xanax.
My New Year's Resolution for this year (which I'll write about next week) is to have inner and outer harmony. I can't wait to get back to that peaceful place!
Much love and light,
Tammy
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