Today was a good day. It's the first day in a probably a month where I didn't feel that general anxious feeling all day long. In fact, today is the first day I didn't have to tell myself to stop scaring myself...although the day is not over, yet. I really think I'm over the nasty hump and am on my way down the anxiety hill. This side of the hill is much nicer with luscious green grass and the most beautiful flowers you've ever seen. The sky is blue, the clouds are colorful and the temperature is nice and warm. It's nice to be here. Before I know it I'll be on that flat meadow where this is view most days. I can't wait.
Work was pretty boring (as it is this time of year) since most people are away for the holidays. BUT, I didn't spend my day consumed with fear. My boss even let me leave at 2:30pm which was nice. I had some down time at home before I had to head to the gym. I had a pretty awesome work out and even though I had a mini panic attack during it (I'm always afraid of passing out and when I exercise hard I feel a bit light headed) I finished my training session and felt pretty damn good after it. Now I'm sitting here trying to decide what to have for dinner. Why did I tell you all of that? Because it's the little things that we take for granted. Normal people go through this routine on a daily basis. Anxious people spend 24 hours a day worrying about things that feel very real to them, but may not be. Anxious people don't take down time at work to fiddle around and do nothing, they spend that time looking symptoms up on the Internet. Anxious people don't pat themselves on the back for feeling the panic attack, recognizing it and then overcoming it...they beat themselves up over it. 99% of what "normal" people do every day on autopilot anxious people don't feel/do. So, when we are feeling good and can be mindful about what we are doing, that's a huge thing for us. That is why I include things like that. It also reminds me that I did well today :) I'll never forget the first time I went out and pumped my own gas. I think I had permasmile for a week. Remember, for those just tuning in, I was agoraphobic. I could only leave the house by myself to go to work and to my parents house...oh and the Dr. because I'm a hypochondriac after all. My parents house was my safe place and I had to work so I had to go there. Everywhere else I went I had to have someone else with me or I wouldn't go and even with someone with me it was a horrific experience for me internally.
But, anyway, that was many years ago and we know that if we are stuck in the past we are depressed, if we are stuck in the future we are anxious but if you are living in the present, we are at peace.
Much love and light~
Tammy
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