Three years later

Three years later, I wish I could come to you with some superior words of wisdom.  I wish I could come to you with some poetic, yet meaningful, post that resonates with all of you and makes you a little wiser.  Unfortunately I can't do any of those things.

I knew today was coming up fast and I had some mixed emotions about it.  I didn't want to sit and sulk like I have done for the past two.  In fact, I saw a post somewhere about doing a random act of kindness on 2/5/14 so I decided that maybe this is what I'll do to honor my brother instead of rehashing everything.  Not that my intent is to rehash it every year but contrary to popular belief, I can't just stop remembering it.  I'll never forget it and those who think I could possibly not think about it or him daily must have never lost anyone close otherwise they wouldn't make such an idiotic comment.

At any rate, my plan was to do RAKs today as my way of honoring Dennis since I wanted to do something "for" him.  Little did I know, that would prove to be impossible to do today.  I woke up this morning to find a text from my boss saying I could stay home because the weather was crappy.  WOOHOO my very first snow day!  I was so excited by it, I did what any kid would do on a snow day...go make some hot chocolate and dance around in glee!  After making Justin's lunch I decided I was going to snuggle with the cat and play online a bit.  That's when I saw the date.  I knew yesterday what today was, but the joyous text I got this morning sort of put it in the back of my mind instead of the front.  So...being stuck in the house...now what?  I didn't feel the same looming feelings of years prior so I went on to have a very relaxing and enjoyable day.  I didn't do a damn thing all day but watch movies, snuggle with the cats and generally laze about.  In other words, I had a really good day on a day that's supposed to be solemn.  I feel relaxed and rejuvenated which is something I rarely feel.  Did I think about him today?  Of course I did, but I think I can honestly say I have gotten to a point in my grief where I've completely come to terms with what happened and I feel at peace with it.  It only took three years, but hey...every one's journey is different and I'm okay with that.

I guess, in a way, I honored my brother by not consuming myself with what this day will always mean to me...to us.  I know he wouldn't want any of us mourning all over again every year and hell maybe he put a bug in my boss' ear to give me the day off to do exactly what I needed to do today.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of him, that I don't see the number 13, that something doesn't remind me of him and that I don't feel him around.  I'll miss him every.single.day for the rest of my life.  And, one day, hopefully many many years down the road, I hope he's there to meet me on the other side...where I will promptly thump his forehead for being an ass and then give him a big hug...because that's what bratty younger sisters do!  <3

Much love and light~

Tammy