I tend to think I was an overly sensitive (and still am) child. As I've stated in my previous post (maybe the one before last) You can compliment me and my brain will turn that around in my head to something negative. As a very young child, I grew a rather large mole on my face and curiosity from other kids made me self conscious about it. Their curiosity was normal, I turned that into being picked on in my head. Years later, that curiosity actually turned into being picked on... a lot. Add that in with all my other anxieties and school was the pits. Yes, I had my friends, but the act of me getting up to go was excruciating. The nightmares the night before, the stomach aches, the dry heaving then the worrying about throwing up in front of people at school cycled back into myself and I'm pretty sure I was having mini panic attacks on the regular but I kept a lot of that internalized. Once I was there, I was okay, from what I remember but I clung to teachers and the like because I thought if I did that they'd protect me from the teasing which did nothing but segregate me more and make it harder for me to fit in. Like I said, I did have a core group of friends but we were rarely in the same class and I would just hope we'd have recess together. I never did all the things I had an interest in because of the fear surrounding it. I wanted to play soccer, I wouldn't try out. Chorus sounded like fun, wouldn't try out. The only thing I did was band and that was because my best friend at the time did it as well so I figured we'd at least get to see each other at some point. These anxieties got worse as I got older and the teasing got worse because kids are mean. The mole teasing was still there but as I got into middles school, I was then teased for not having a boyfriend which eventually turned into being teased for not having sex. Yes, you read that right...middle school. There was a group of catty bitches who just loved to see me walk by and start their antics. Now that I look back at it years later, I know they were just highly insecure with themselves so they picked on the ones who wouldn't say anything back to them and that just happened to be me. I remember my mom telling me, at one point, to just agree with what they say then they wouldn't have anything to go on. So, I did. I remember vividly being at a school dance and the teasing started...they were saying I was so ugly I had to have sex with frozen hot dogs (yes still in middle school) to which I told them that no, I didn't like how cold they were and preferred them to be hot instead. It actually worked. They had nothing to say to that.
School anxiety followed me all the way up through college. My high school anxieties were fear of being alone and/or embarrassing myself and lunch was a HUGE panic issue for me. I had a hard enough time eating in front of people I knew (also anxiety related) let alone strangers. If I didn't see anyone I knew well, I'd hide in the bathroom until the bell rang. Ugh, even thinking about it now knots my stomach. You know, to this day...at 37...I STILL have school nightmares. Not remembering my locker combinations, forgetting where my classes are, and being stuck at lunch with no one. Horrible!
As I look back, it's amazing to me how much I purposely put memories aside and chose to forget them. I see why, but as I was thinking about this over the past few days with all the kids going back to school, I had memories fly back that I completely forgot about. I do this a lot with a lot of my anxiety issues. I asked my husband last night if I was really that bad. He confirmed that with a big fat "worse". I asked him how so and he told me because my anxieties never left...ever. I was anxious from the time I got up to the time I went to bed (which I didn't sleep). There was no wavering with moods with me, they were always foul. Of course, back then, I had absolutely no idea there was anything wrong. I genuinely assumed this was life and everyone felt like this. All of these anxiety blogs and memories and conclusions are ones I made in the present time because I couldn't recognize an issue. Looking back, after getting out of most of my anxiety issues, is when it started to dawn on me that things weren't right from quite some time. To be honest, I don't ever remember a time where I didn't have some sort of anxiety issues. It's sad, really...but in a way not. I'm a firm believer everything happens for a reason and my past struggles made me who I am right now. I still have a LOT of growing to do and my chat with my husband last night really made me feel good about how far I've actually come. Even despite my little boo-hoo moment yesterday. I don't like to re-hash things because it's the past and especially for him because I put him through the wringer on a daily basis, but I can also learn from how I was and it helps to have someone else point out things even if they hurt. I'm so thankful the universe aligned and had me and him log in to the same BBS at the same time which got us talking because I really think that if he wasn't in my life, I would be no better than I was 10+ years ago. Do I have my moments? Sure...and they scare the both of us. BUT, I also think that fear is what drives me (which sounds super odd coming from someone with an anxiety disorder who just said fear was bad)...but I don't ever want to go back there. He certainly doesn't want to do that shit all over again...so it gives me a push in the right direction.
As usually, I started on one subject and kind of morphed into another but I just felt like I needed to get that off my chest and out there.
Much love and light~
~Tammy
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