I feel the need to go back to one of my previous posts and explain myself better. In my Scary Thoughts post, I did some detailing about what they are and I gave an example of one of the ones I've had in the past. To recap, one of my scary thoughts (which is common among anxiety sufferers) was badly hurting myself like randomly slicing my wrists while shaving in the tub. I went on to say that this is only a scary thought and that it is silly because I'd never actually do that since a big fear for me (and many sufferers) is death. I also went on to say that just because you've had a thought like this doesn't mean you are suicidal.
Here is where I would like to start back up the conversation because looking back I felt like I was downsizing the issue. If you are having these thoughts mentioned above, whether it be cutting, hanging, jumping, pills or any other form of suicide and these thoughts are NOT scary to you and ARE comforting to you, PLEASE go get help. There is a difference between having suicidal scary thoughts and being suicidal. If the thoughts scare you, it's simply a scary thought. If these thoughts don't scare you, seem like a good idea, bring comfort or peace to you, then you are on your way or are already in crisis. If this is you, please call 1-800-273-TALK (8225) right now. There is hope and help here for you and you're life IS worth living.
My brother committed suicide 1 year 1 month 11 days ago. There's not one day that goes by that I don't think of him or miss him. There are days where I hated him (especially in the beginning) and I hated myself for feeling that way. Suicide may feel like a solution to you, but it just becomes and problem and heart ache to everyone who loves you. I wanted to ring my brother's neck when I heard the news. I didn't and probably never will understand why. First and foremost how could he have done this to his kids especially since both of his biological parents also committed suicide. He knew first hand how shitty that feels. And, yeah, I know the statistics weren't on his side since both parents went that way, it didn't make my anger or disappointment any less. Not only did his death leave broken hearts and emptiness but the not knowing why made it 100 times worse. To me, it felt like if I could get some sort of explanation, that would make it better. Unfortunately we'll never get that. He didn't even leave a note. To this day I still feel like it may have made me feel better if he left one as silly as that sounds.
And then, there's the guilt. I think my mom felt it more than any of us and I'm sure my dad just kept it to himself. "What could I have done differently...." Unfortunately, the answer is nothing. More often than not this blind sides the family and friends because the person in crisis is consumed and embarrassed by such feelings because of the social stigma behind it and unfortunately that causes them to hide and not seek help. It's a vicious cycle that I would love to see changed. The world needs to stop seeing this as an embarrassing issue and start seeing it as an illness that needs attention like any other illness out there. Millions of people have these thoughts and feelings, that alone should prove that these people are not alone and that there is nothing to hang their head in shame over. Society would never allow a person with cancer to feel bad about their disease so why should a mental illness be treated any less? We also need to start treating the disease instead of just shoving random pills down these poor people's throats. I can't even tell you how many pills my brother was on. Why can't therapy be prescribed more often? I'm not saying that medications should not be used nor am I saying that it was the medication's fault, but if every time a person comes in with a new symptom a new pill is prescribed, how is that fixing the root issues?
Sorry for the tangent. Bottom line, short story long, I didn't want people to think I was simply minimizing the issue of suicide with my last post. I was simply talking about scary thoughts and not suicide in general. Again, if those thoughts feel good to you, please call the above number. They will never judge you, they just want to give you help you need.
Much Love and Light~
Tammy
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