Symptoms

As I mentioned previously, I spent most of my life battling an anxiety disorder.  However, it wasn't until about seven years ago did I know what it was that I had.  Unfortunately, I found out when I hit rock bottom, on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  Up until then, I always thought my feelings were the same as everyone else's and that I was just simply stressed.  Little did I know that it was much much more.  I guess that's how denial works.

So how bad did I have it?  To me?  Pretty bad.  However, I think the only two people who knew how bad I was was my husband, then boyfriend, and myself.  We may be falling a part on the inside, but us anxiety disorder sufferers can act with the best of them.  We can convince people we are perfectly fine.  We can also manipulate anyone.  Yes, I said it and if you suffer with it, don't try to deny it.  We can make anyone do anything we want them to.  It's not malicious in intent, it's because we are so damn fearful of doing things on our own we develop this "skill" to work things JUST right so that someone else will either 1) do it for us or 2) say we don't need to do it at all or 3) at least go with us so we have a crutch.  We can also make up any lie on the fly to get out of anything in the world and we are pretty damn convincing at it too!  Unless said person trying to tell said lies to someone who has done it themselves.  Yes, I know you're lying but I also know you can't help it so it gets over looked.  It's like trying to convince a recovered alcoholic that you are not an alcoholic.  Been there, done that, nice try.

So, back to symptoms.  My biggest symptom was being agoraphobic. 

ag·o·ra·pho·bi·a [ag-er-uh-foh-bee-uh]

noun Psychiatry .

an abnormal fear of being in crowds, public places, or open areas, sometimes accompanied by anxiety attacks.

Basically I was home bound 90% of the time.  I could manage to get up and go to work every day because I knew I had to and that there was no way around it.  But outside of going to work and back home and the millions of Dr. visits, I couldn't go anywhere by myself.  I couldn't go to the store, pump my own gas, go to parties, etc.  If I had to do any of those things, I would plan it so that someone was with me or that someone would do it for me (as stated above).  Mom would go grocery shopping with me and I always planned my gas trips to when I knew Justin would want to go somewhere and then I would suggest we take my car and get gas on the way.  I was down right TERRIFIED to do these things on my own.  I thought the whole world was staring at me all.the.time.  Like I was so darn special that everyone wanted to look at me, right? ;)  Regardless, that was in my head and what if I did something wrong?  What if I had a question?  I wouldn't talk to anyone and I assumed everyone was making fun of me for being insecure and not knowing things.  I'd rather just stay home.  

With all this added stress to my system (self inflicting as all anxiety is), I had a whole slew of physical symptoms.  I was in pain from something all.the.damn.time.  Headaches, migraines, vision issues, chest pains, muscle pains, jaw pain (TMJ), ears ringing, heart palpitations, twitching, talking funny, stiff neck, back issues, bowel issues (IBS), acne, walking issues, tingling hands, insomnia, stomach pains, nausea, nerve issues, feeling of unreality, panic attacks, hives, an extreme fear of death, I legitimately thought I was going crazy, leg pain, and because I was compromising my immune system with all of this added stress I was always sick (stomach illnesses, colds, flu, allergies, etc.) and I was extremely angry, depressed, and jealous at all times.  At the time I thought I was angry at everyone else.  In reality, I was angry at myself.  I'll get into that at another time because it needs an entire post. 

Who would have thought that all of that would be caused from anxiety?  I sure as hell didn't.  Our brains are far  more powerful than we give ourselves credit for.  If we get an idea in our head we can manifest it no problem.  I don't know how many symptoms I simply talked myself into.  I would obsess over a minor ache so much that it became a big deal.  I eventually figured this one out with the help of the CBT program I did (because they told me so) but personally saw it when I noticed that if I got into a movie or playing on the computer my symptoms would magically disappear.  Once I thought in my head "hey that pain is gone" it magically appeared again.  Just call me Criss Angel with out the weird moves and black clothing.

My second biggest issue was being a Hypochondriac. 

hy·po·chon·dri·ac [hahy-puh-kon-dree-ak]

adjective

1. Also, hy·po·chon·dri·a·cal  [hahy-poh-kuhn-drahy-uh-kuhl] Show IPA. Psychiatry .

a. pertaining to or suffering from hypochondria,  an excessive preoccupation with and worry about one's health: The comedy is aimed the hypochondriac demographic.

b. produced by hypochondria: Hypochondriac feelings overwhelmed her.

2. Anatomy, Zoology . of or pertaining to the hypochondrium.

noun

3. Psychiatry . a person suffering from or subject to hypochondria.

4. a person who worries or talks excessively about his or her health.

Not only did I have all of those symptoms listed above, but I convinced myself they weren't just symptoms of anxiety (again I didn't know at the time) but that I was dying from EVERYTHING!  Web MD was my BFF for many many years and I could convince myself that all of these scary diseases were what I had.  On the flip side, I was afraid to go to the ER so I never went because the thought of going would put me into a panic attack.  If things lasted a while, I'd go see my GP and usually for the same things over and over again.  If I had a pain in my head it was a brain tumor, pain in my right abdomen was always appendicitis (I still have my appendix BTW so yeah, that wasn't it).  I've had brain cancer, throat cancer, mouth cancer, stomach cancer, blood clots, aneurysms, strokes, heart attacks, MS, Parkinson's,  and a whole slew of other diseases you probably never heard of.  *NEVER GOOGLE SYMPTOMS* because it tends to give you the most horrendous diseases first and rarely ever says "hey asshole, ever think it's all in your head?  Calm down, and it'll go away"  Of course I wouldn't have believed that then anyway.  

I didn't type all that out to give you a oh woe is me picture of my life.  I own most of my disease.  I know that I ALONE caused my anxiety to get out of control.  I can't blame anyone else although I did at the time.  It's far easier to blame the world than to take credit for it yourself.  What I hope by typing all of that out is that someone out there reads this and get the whole "AH-HA!" I eventually had which started me down the road of recovery.  When I was watching that infomercial for the program I used (I'll get into that later) and I heard people who were exactly describing me...describing a lot of what I listed, I literally busted out into tears.  Holy Shit!  THAT IS ME!  I'm not crazy and I'M NOT ALONE!  I'm telling you right now if you have had any of those symptoms or any of those feelings you are most definitely not alone!  Millions of people have suffered the same as you, and I assure you that you aren't crazy.

So now that I got all of that out, like I said I hid it from most everyone, I can now move my pawn ahead 4 spaces on the candy lane path of a new chapter of recovery.

Much love and light~

Tammy